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Fantasy Casting the Rest of Mötley Crüe’s The Dirt Movie

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It looks like they really are going to finally make a movie out of The Dirt, Mötley Crüe’s rightfully-infamous Rashomon-style memoir. The flick has a director (Jeff TremaineJackassBad Grandpa), a studio (Netflix), and has even cast its four leads.

Of course, The Dirt has some juicy supporting roles, too. We’ll presumably be hearing who has been cast in those parts in the coming weeks. But I keep fantasizing about who could play these parts and, well, what’s the fun of owning a blog if you can’t share these fantasies with everyone regardless of whether or not they actually give a fuck?

To that end, below are my fantasy casting selections for the remainder of the characters in The Dirt. Full disclosure: although I have read this wonderful book multiple times, the last of those times was probably about eight-ten years ago. So I apologize if I miss any major players in the narrative.

And with that out of the way…

John Carroll Lynch as Doc McGheejohn-carroll-lynch-as-doc-mcghee

To play the legendary manager, whose other clients have included KISS, Bon Jovi, and Skid Row, we need someone who you buy has a mix of street smarts and boardroom know-how. This character actor, known for his work in Zodiac and American Horror Story, is a perfect fit.

Lucas Hedges as Nicholas “Razzle” Dingleyhedges-as-razzle

This role basically requires someone young and super-likable, because while it’s not a big part, it needs to make us cry when he’s killed. Hedges, Oscar nominated for his role in Manchester by the Sea, has a talent for both accents and eliciting sympathy, making him ideal for the role.

Taylor Kitsch as John Corabikitsch-and-corabi

This isn’t such an obvious choice, and physically, the Friday Night Lights actor and one-time replacement for Vince Neil don’t have much in common. But there is a method to my madness. Corabi obviously though joining Mötley Crüe was going to be his big break; likewise, Kitsch played the lead in three major Hollywood movies in the spring and summer of 2012 — John CarterBattleship, and Savages — each of which could have vaulted him to the A list, none of which actually did. So Kitsch can probably relate to Corabi’s pain.

Ava Sambora as Heather Locklearava-sambora-plays-her-mom

Who better to play the first Mrs. Tommy Lee than Locklear’s actual daughter, who not only looks like her mom, but also just so happens to be an actress? I mean, hey, it worked for Ice Cube…

Megan Fox as Pamela Andersonanderson-fox

The second Mrs. Tommy Lee was tabloid fodder better known for her looks than her talent. If that ain’t Megan Fox…

Russell Brand as Ozzy Osbourne ozzy-brand

British dude who does a shit ton of drugs and acts like a maniac? Seems like a pretty obvious choice, don’t it?

Caleb Landry Jones as Axl Roseclj-as-war

What do the Guns N’ Roses singer and the Three Billboards star have in common besides being weirdos who also happen to have red hair? Uhh… we’ll get back to you on that.

Jared Leto as David Lee Rothjared-leto-as-dlr

DLR was the dude that every singer in Hollywood wanted to be in the ’80s. So it would make sense to cast someone that the dudes playing Mötley Crüe in the movie likely look up to. But the character also has to be kind of a dick. Leto, by all accounts, meets both of these criteria.

Louie Anderson as Tom Zutautlouie-anderson-tom-zutaut

I mean. Just look at the above image and tell me I’m wrong.

Kristen Wiig as Bullwinklewiig-as-bullwinkle

When you think of the most famous openings in the history of literature, a few of the classics inevitably spring to mind. Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities (“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”). Melville’s Moby Dick (“Call me Ishmael.”). Or, of course, the beginning of The Dirt:

screen-shot-2018-01-24-at-1-17-38-pm

Now, obviously, we don’t actually know what Bullwinkle looked like. And it would be hard to send out a casting call for a woman with “a face like a moose.” Wiig certainly doesn’t look like a moose.

But she is willing to make herself look horrid for the sake of comedy. Seems like a good fit to us!

Who would you cast in the movie version of The Dirt? Argue amongst yourselves in the comments section.

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