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CRUSH YOU: Monster Magnet, Your Surprising Self-Awareness Is The Real Mindfucker Here!

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Hey everybody: Welcome to our new column CRUSH YOU, where Cat Jones will gush to you about whatever latest thing she has a crush on in the metal world right now. This week: Monster Magnet’s surprising self-awareness.

I’ve been a fan of Monster Magnet since the ‘90s, but when I first heard they were going to put out a new album called Mindfucker, I rolled my eyes so hard I was pretty sure I would actually dislodge them from my skull. For people like me, with our apartments full of Man’s Ruin Records memorabilia and faces still wet from weeping over the Kyuss lawsuit, the demise of stoner rock has been an awful lot like seeing your once-hot ex boyfriend posting #vapelife selfies and getting really into tech-bro intramural sports. Let’s face it: stoner rock and the whole culture therein has dumbed itself down so much over the past five years or so with its tired weed puns, ‘70s cosplay, and gaggle of bands who would rather be Internet trolls than write good music. I’m truly primed to automatically assume the worst.

But it hit me shortly after: This is a band that has, for nearly 30 years, consistently taken a shit on serial over-seriousness by singing big, dumb, testosterone-laden anthems about getting laid, being awesome at drugs and terrible at relationships, “far out, man” psychedelic ponderings and not taking shit from anyone. How refreshing is it to see one of the genre’s classic bands not only recognize their ridiculousness but own it wholeheartedly? Is it possible that Mindfucker is not, in fact, a stupid title, but actually the most genius form of self-awareness and meta-commentary done by a band in years? That, my friends, is the true mindfucker here.

Plus, as it turns out, Mindfucker (which was released a couple of weeks ago on Napalm Records) is a super fun record that goes back to their tongue-in-cheek, machismo, sex-addict rock they’ve always been best at and puts a bookmark in the psychedelic territory they’ve wandered into during the last few years with their “reimaginations” of their previous work (which was an excellent detour, but just wasn’t the same). In it, Dave Wyndorf and company present the subject matter of the album in such a way that it’s simultaneously about a) a fiery lover with whom you just can’t seem to make it work no matter how hard you both try, or b) the fact that the world is seemingly either imploding on itself or we’re just inundated with so much information that it’s hard to ignore the ugliness that was already there. Either way, the chorus on the record’s title track, “You’re a mindfucker, baby! Look what you’ve done to my head,” is relatable to pretty much anyone right now.

In celebration of this, I’d like to share my top ten favorite preposterous Monster Magnet lyrics.

10. “Rocket Freak” – Mindfucker (2018)

I’m her favorite creep
And she’s my only girl

Last we heard from Mr. Wyndorf in a major public way, he did an interview where he was explaining that he doesn’t like touring America much anymore because his shows are mostly full of meatheads yelling at him to play “Space Lord.” He said, “I mean do you want to live your life playing in some shitty bar where some guy with a bald head and ponytail is looking at you going, ‘Do Freebird!’ Or do you want to go play in front of 26-year-old girls with big tits in Finland? That’s where you want to go. And that’s where I go!”

I guess you could say Dave’s my favorite creep, too.

9. “Pill Shovel” – Spine of God (1991)

Your feet – the hamster wheel, run like hell, go like hell
Yeah
So scream as loud as you can, I’m not here – man I’m gone
Well I stand on the mountains of Mars – sparking up, man I’m gone!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhyeah

This is the entirety of the song. Three sentences about getting high on Mars and a scream.

8. “Nod Scene” – Spine of God (1991)

Bought another copy of Zoso
Seeds were bustin’ up the spine
I think I wet my pants doin’ Whippits
Not too many Buds just fine

This is a song about buying Yes and Led Zeppelin records and partying, which is something I think we can all appreciate. I’m glad he clarified that it was the whippits that made him piss himself, not the beers.

Runner up for best lyric in this song is when Dave yells about “goofballs and ‘70s nipples.” As we all know, nipples were indisputably different in the ‘70s.

7. “Crop Circle” – Powertrip (1998)

I was born underwater, I dried out in the sun,
I started humping volcanos, baby, when I was too young,
I started surfing the madhouse, and I decided to stay,
I got an itch in my cosmic pocket and it won’t go away

Show me someone who DOESN’T have an itch in their cosmic pocket, you know what I mean? P.S. If you’re humping volcanoes, please use protection and get tested often.

6. “Bummer” – Powertrip (1998)

You’re looking for the one who fucked your mom
It’s not me
It’s not me

What a terribly awkward mixup.

5. “Gods And Punks” – Mastermind (2010)

I’m a stoned jet fighter with a heart of gold
Well, I’m really mad and I’m really old

Nothing like a stoned, gold-hearted, jet-fighting, pissed-off old dude, am I right?

4. “Ego, The Living Planet” – Dopes To Infinity (1995)

[The only lyrics in the whole song] I talk to planets, baby

We know, Dave.

3. “Radiation Day” Monolithic Baby! (2001)

Go ahead and jerk off your bitches with a Samsung
Modern life is a-eating you alive

The “technology is making you miserable” narrative is certainly nothing new, as we can see from this hilariously dated reference from 2001.

Also worth noting: This was on an album called Monolithic Baby! which featured cover art of them looking preposterous in front of a planet and a tall building. It’s what I think of every time a music writer refers to a boring, ultra-serious stoner rock band as “monolithic.”

2. “Atomic Clock” – Powertrip (1998)

So won’t you put my dick in plastic
And put my brain in a jar
If there’s something left of my spirit
It’ll find you where you are

It’s not really the lyrics themselves so much as the fact that after Wyndorf sings “put my dick in plastic,” you can actually hear him laughing at himself.

 1. “Third Eye Landslide” – Powertrip (1998)

Cashing Satan’s checks with my dick in my hand

Ah yes, the days of yore when Satan was still pumping money into the metal industry.

What’s are your favorites? Post ‘em in the comments.

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