Jered Threatin is Searching for a Touring Guitar Player! Coming in Hot!
Jered Threatin became the fascination of the metalsphere and internet at large this past fall when his band’s European tour was exposed to be an elaborate scheme propped up by fake business entities and personas (all just him and his wife), purchased social media likes and views and delusions of grandeur larger than the state of Alaska. If you missed all that, you can catch up here, but if you’re reading this we’ll assume that you followed it closely, just like everyone else from The New York Times to The BBC to your intrepid editors at MetalSucks.
Once was scheme was blown wide open, Jered attempted to spin the bad press to his favor, claiming it had been his intention from the start to be “outed” as a ruse to garner publicity for himself. Those claims were immediately proven to be lies.
Threatin soldiered on undeterred, and booked a show for his band this coming November at The Underworld, the same London venue that played host to the start of his infamous, failed 2018 tour. The only problem? He hasn’t got a full band yet, having alienated his former members who quit on him mid-tour once they found out about the hoax from the internet in real time.
Which brings us up to today: Threatin, real name Jered Eames, just posted a message on his Instagram account announcing he’s auditioning guitar players. While posts of this nature on Craigslist and the like often have an element of humor, Threatin’s is not only unfunny despite its clear attempt to be, but it’s at times off-color, using ableist language and knocking people for their dietary choices. The line about Jered not being interested in anyone whiter than him is, admittedly, amusing. Here’s the post:
If it was Jered’s attempt to get press for this announcement by being intentionally unfunny while giving the appearance of trying to be funny… well, then, consider me duped. But I don’t believe he’s that smart.
Implied is that Mr. Threatin already has a drummer and bassist locked in. Which is scary. Who would agree to such an endeavor? Sometime really, really hungry for any kind of exposure at all, no matter the cost, that’s who.
Anyway, if you’re reading this and you want to play London this fall with Threatin, now’s your big shot!!! Get on it.
Finally, #NeverForget this scintillating footage of Threatin performing for a packed room somewhere in the U.K.:
View this post on Instagram
Who wants to go to London? Threatin is seeking another guitarist for his upcoming tour to the United Kingdom this November. Criteria for auditioning musicians below. Preferred, but not Required: You CANNOT: – Live with your mother – Have more than one lazy eye – Be someone who reads self-help books and think it’s helping – Be someone who says “spoiler alert” while talking about something I don’t care about – Be a vegan – Be someone who thinks high-fiving is ever okay – Have a forehead larger than the rest of your face – Be someone who doesn’t have the webcam on their computer covered with tape – Be from Montana – Be someone that types “u” to replace a three-letter word – Have ever said “lol” out loud – Be someone that describes themselves as a “people person” – Be whiter than me You MUST: – Have proficient guitar skills – Be comfortable being on camera / in front of a film crew – Have a valid passport – Be available for rehearsals in Los Angeles – Be able to understand that some of these requirements may or may not be a joke DM or email: firstname.lastname@example.org for more info.