WARNING: Bobbi sent us a new portrait of herself to use this month, and while we’re very excited about the picture (in more ways than one), it is very much NSFW, so we’ve had to put it after the jump. Enjoy, you horn dogs.

Nathan Explosion, the always ironic, always self-parodying, and always cool animated front man of Dethklok, once resolved to make the most metal coffee the world would ever see. What would make it metal? By making it blacker than the blackest black, times infinity.

In the same way, I am looking to make porn metal by making it harder than the hardest hardcore, times infinity. Admittedly, it’s a much easier job than making coffee metal, since porn easily fits into one — or two, depending on the performer we’re talking about — of the holy triumvirate pantheon of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. (Though if you’re a Mormon, coffee would be a drug, and therefore metal. But being a Mormon would not be metal, so the two would cancel each other out. Therefore you’d have to do nasty, filthy porn like Belladonna to be metal. but I digress.)

In fact, AVN, the trade magazine of the porn industry, was eagerly anticipating the crossover of rock and porn for most of the ’90s, like a crazed Christian fundamentalist convinced that Jesus was due back any day now. This anticipation was replaced in the 2000s by the crossover of rap and porn that was going to happen any day, which, strangely enough, also did not happen. (My publicist is eagerly awaiting the inevitable madrigal/porn crossover that will happen this decade. Hey nonny nonny, indeed.)

Click to read more…

I’ve often been asked, “What is your favorite music to fuck to?” Well, as a certified professional, it’s probably safe to assume that I can make the magic happen to pretty much anything from Stravinsky to Marvin Gaye, but I must admit that the appropriate soundtrack can make a difference, and nothing gets the juices flowing quite like heavy metal.

“Hold on,” you might think, “heavy metal is a broad category that encompasses numerous sub-genres.” Well, that is certainly true, so let me narrow it down a bit for you. Let’s say you had the opportunity to shoot your own porno co-starring me, Bobbi Starr, and we have decided to use one entire metal album as the soundtrack for your scene.

As the hypothetical director and producer of this fine film, I have decided, based on extensive research, that our talents as fornicators would be best complemented by Metallica’s Ride the Lightning. This hard-hitting second album still embodies Metallica’s raw, thrash roots, while giving you a little taste of their transition to the more polished, melodic sound of Master of Puppets. Here’s a quick run-down of what a story board for this scene might look like (wait… porn scenes have story boards?):

Click to read more…

Hello MetalSucks readers! I realize that most of you don’t know who I am, so I figured I’d take some time to tell you and maybe shed some light on the subject of why I’ve been asked to write a few fun pieces for all of your enjoyment.

My name is Bobbi Starr and I am a girl who over the past three and a half years has made a living off of all of you who buy pornography and blow your loads to the site of my asshole being impaled by the giant members of pornography legends such as Lexington Steele, and I thank you for that.

Now, those who steal porn off of bit torrent and tube sites: shame on you, and I just might hunt you down, cut your wiener off, put it on a post and do a little, non-sexual, dance, ridding you of all porno-steeling-desires. Granted, at this point you would be without a penis, but you should of thought of that before you stole my porno.

I’m just kidding. In reality, I’d probably tell you that you are a very bad boy, and then suck you off.

Anyway, back to metal. Some of you may know, I’ve pretty much always been a music nerd, and therefore a fan of the ye ol’ metal. I think those important people at MetalSucks picked up on this and thought, “We should get this chick to write nasty things for our website! That would be awesome!” I love delving into the dark, slimy depths of the music world, and sinking my teeth into some crunchy metal bands.  It may be an acquired taste for many, but I must admit that I constantly find myself craving more of those down-tuned riffs and growling vocals.

Not only is it my desire to explore the music of each band, but also my primal urge to become intimately acquainted with the nether regions of all of the band members as a whole. So, I figured, what the hell, why not make a list of the top ten metal bands that I’d like to get gangbanged by? Maybe I’ll get lucky and one of them will come through for me.

And so, in no particular order…

Click to read more…