I’m a firm believer in the idea that being metal and being in a metal band are not mutually exclusive. Much like how watching your uncle dressed as santa claus get drunk and fight your dad at family christmas is metal despite technically being the manifestation of years of pent-up tension between two dullard paper pushers, the following vocalists managed to be metal without the aid of a single inverted crucifix or a pig squeal. Read on!

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Detroit, MA’s The Armed are your new favourite band, and here’s why in bullet point form:

• Their self-released debut album, ‘These Are Lights’, rips the tits off a bear. It’s a half-hour of classy modern metalcore that brings to mind both Botch and The Dillinger Escape Plan, and it was mixed by Kurt Ballou.
• The follow-up EP, ‘Common Enemies’ has just come out, and features a guest performance by ex-DEP drum cyborg Chris Pennie.
• Both of these releases are available for FREE in high-quality mp3 straight from the band right here.
• They’ve got all this done and they’ve only been playing together since LAST MAY.

Once you’ve cleaned yourself up, click through for an interview I did with drummer Tony Wolski just prior to the release of  ‘Common Enemies’ earlier this year.

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It was a while ago now that Axl dug up Ill Bill’s Unauthorised Biography Of Slayer, a surprisingly detailed history of Slayer delivered entirely in rap. But like all metalheads, Ill Bill has a little bit of trouble keeping his love of all things heavy in one place. Check out this jam by Ill Bill’s posse, Non Phixion, titled ‘The CIA Is Still Trying To Kill Me’, featuring members of the Deftones and Fear Factory. Yes, it does have that boofheaded-guitar-riff-over-hip-hop-beat thing that made nu-metal suck, but the whole first verse is peppered with references to classic metal bands and albums. The shout-outs aren’t exactly harde to pick, but at the very least it’ll put a smile on your miserable face, so quit yer whingin and check this out:

-Crack Hitler

John Williams is totally fucking metal, and you cannot deny it. Sure, Scott Ian or James Hetfield may have each written a bunch of memorable riffs in their lives, probably ones that send you into an uncontrollable frenzy of cheeto-misted keyboard moshing too. But name me one metal guitarist ever who has written as many straight-up fucking killer tunes as John Williams? Chariots Of Fire, Jaws, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, motherfucking Jurassic Park?! The dude has enough air-punching moments of musical badassery to his name to give Tony Iommi a run for his money. When you finally man up and ask the girl who makes your sandwhich at Subway out and she says yes, what are you going to be whistling when you walk out of there? Angel Of Death, or the goddamn Raiders March?

Here’s Williams’ crowning achievement, the theme from Jurassic Park, set to a kitschy photo montage. Now take five, shut your door and pretend you’re ten years old again. It’s okay, nobody is looking.

-Crack Hitler

A while ago I got linked, I’m pretty sure it was from here, to this blog entry by a dude who calls himself Metallikris on his imaginatively-titled Metalliblog, in which he rates every metal musician of note that he’s met on a scale of 1 to 10 based on how nice they were to him. Now while I have a captive audience, that I can only assume our fine friend Metallikris is amongst (because he writes about this site on his blog), I would just like to ask…

What the fuck?

These people work their arses (ah-hem, asses. Sorry yanks) off for decades learning to play their instruments, fight the ridiculous uphill battle to start a band, do something original and actually get some recognition for it, do insane hours on tour, and then somehow their entire worth as a human being can be quantatively measured by how they deal with you wanting to get your photo taken with them after they’ve gotten offstage? What in the hell have you have you ever done in your life that gives you the divine power to judge ANYONE that way, let  alone talented, hardworking musicians who do things you never could?

When you say that Ralph Santolla should “get cancer quick!”or that Willie Adler’s wife is “probably fucking the local milkman”, you’re talking shit on real human beings in the name of getting some second-hand attention, and that’s just weak. And are you really surprised that Fredrik Akesson from Opeth was maybe just a little pissed off that you mistook him for Peter Lindgren, the guy he replaced in the band?

Now at this point I could drag out your self-edited imdb actor page or your hilariously self-important twitter account and let the metalsucks maniacs have their way with them, but instead I’m going to just say this:

Get a reality check, dude.

-Crack Hitler

This is my hometown of Perth. On the odd chance that you’ve heard of it, it’s probably as the home of Bon Scott, Sam Worthington (actually, both went to my high school), or (eeeeeew) Pendulum. As you can see from the above diagram, it’s pretty far away from anything that isn’t the Indian Ocean. In fact, we’re a full 2,104kms (1, 307 miles) from the nearest major city, making us the second most isolated city on earth. Because we’re so far away from everything, a lot of smaller bands don’t tour out here, and guitars and drums cost a shitload extra because of the shipping costs. But we do have a lot of sand. And rocks. And coastline.

Anyway, I thought this would be a cool opportunity to share with you guys some of the better heavy bands from the rapidly-evaporating cultural oasis that I call home.

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