Game of Thrones cake courtesy of reader Conor Shanley

Welcome to the calm before the storm. This week’s theme is desire. And desire is generally pretty metal, even if this episode isn’t.

Everybody wants something this week.

In Winterfell, Theon Greyjoy — described by his own sister as “the dumbest cunt in the kingdom” — wants something he can never have: respect.

North of the Wall, the big dude wearing a skull helmet  is the Lord of Bones, a wildling badass also known as Rattleshirt. (That helmet is a giant’s skull, by the way. Yes, giants still walk the earth, and they’re bigger than Hodor, the Andre-the-Giant-sized guy who carries Bran around.) Rattleshirt wants Jon Snow’s heart in his hands, and it doesn’t look like he’s going to get that, either. Blood and revenge might make you feel better, but they won’t always get you what you need.

In the book, this whole Great White North plot has a terrible, bone-chilling momentum. In the TV show, the plot comes off as groups people walking around some snowy badass landscapes. Take our word for it: It’s more interesting than it looks.

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Game of Thrones: Try to tell free people what to do, and you can expect metal up your ass.

Plenty of websites review Game of Thrones every week. But MetalSucks’ Heavy Metal Review is the only recap that counts the decapitations and Kreator references.

Last week’s episode, “The Old Gods and the New,” saw King Joffrey tip his crown to Metallica by hissing, “Kill them all!” This week, other key characters delivered dialogue that read like metal lyrics:

Theon Greyjoy: “With hunting, there’s blood at the end.”

Ygritte: “If you tried to tell the free folk a boy and girl couldn’t be naked and lie with each other, you’d get a spear up your ass.”

Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen: “I’ve led my people out of the Red Waste and into a slaughterhouse.”

Sandor “The Hound” Clegane: “It gives me joy to kill people… Killing is the sweetest thing there is.”

Queen Cersei: “Rain fire on them from above.”

Jaime Lannister: “He was a painter who only used red.”

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After developments in this week’s Game of Thrones, Ser Rodrik Cassel is no longer the head of Winterfell’s armed forces. 

HBO’s epic fantasy series Game of Thrones is about power-hungry people with long hair and bloody swords, who worship Old Gods and consider a good decapitation the cost of doing business. So every Monday, Metal Sucks reviews the week’s episode in terms of how metal it is.

Episode 2.6, “The Old Gods and the New.”

Sharp-witted women were out in force on this week’s Game of Thrones. Shae – Tyrion the Imp’s girlfriend, a whore with a mysterious past – delivers the episode’s theme: “Don’t trust anybody. Life is safer that way.” No sooner has the rad theme music ended than we see what happens when you trust people: Long story short, the bodies start piling up. And let’s be frank: It’s about time.

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Outside a Marduk show, Jon Snow’s friends pressure him to see whether his older brother, Robb, can get them beer.

Even in a medieval world without electricity, Game of Thrones is the most metal show on TV. ‘Cuz you don’t need an AC current for power or strength – or to hammer out steel. Every Monday, Metal Sucks reviews the week’s episode of Game of Thrones in terms of how metal it is.

Episode 2.5, “The Ghost of Harrenhal”

One prominent theme in this week’s episode – and through the entire epic tale – is girl power. Brienne of Tarth notes that a woman’s courage isn’t necessarily the kind that will carry you through a battlefield, but grudgingly admits that womanly courage is formidable. And Lady Catelyn Stark concurs, noting that women know much about the kind of bloody, hard business that most men will never even imagine. As in the metal world, the women of Game of Thrones aren’t always the best-looking ones. But they’re the most awesome.

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Separated at Birth? Games of Thrones‘ Jon Snow (Kit Harington) and Dredg’s Gavin Hayes

Game of Thrones is a show about long-haired men with leather armor, bloody longswords, and horned battle helmets. It’s a world where black magic is growing strong, and it’s a tale of intrigue with precious few kick-ass women around to keep the fellas’ worst impulses in check. So every Monday, Metal Sucks reviews the previous night’s episode appropriately: not by critiquing how authentic its olde-tymey conventions are or how our modern American values apply to a mystic medieval world – but by measuring how metal the show was.

Episode 2.4, “Garden of Bones.”

Huh, “bones.” This week’s action starts on a portentous ebony evening, with two foot soldiers in Beavis and Butt-head mode, crackin’ a gay joke and farting. And then, with the scent of sulfur still wafting in the air, a wolf bounds out of the night. And no sooner has it ripped out a throat, the body count rises through the thatched roof. We don’t see the massive battle – even HBO has a limited budget to work with, and the series isn’t about the action (so far) – but the show hammers home the horrors of war in a poignant scene with a bone saw. Huh, “bone.”

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HBO’s Game of Thrones is populated with armor-wearing, sword-waving, longhairs like this guy. So that should make for a pretty metal show, right? 

For two weeks now, MetalSucks has been telling you that HBO’s epic fantasy programme Game of Thrones is the most metal show on TV. And you’re well within your rights if you’re questioning us at this point. Let’s recap episodes 1 and 2, using metal criteria.

In the first two weeks, the body count was pretty low. Some people burned ancient wooden effigies of the kingdom’s gods. And while flaming, large-scale blasphemy is very metal, they were destroyed to honor another (alleged) One True God, and that has some quite conventional overtones. (That One God is R’hllor, Lord of Light – mark his name well; he ain’t goin’ nowhere.) And one guy’s dad yelled at him and said he looked like a chick, which is totally metal. But so far, the show  has had more intrigue than entrails, and it’s been less Lord of the Rings/The Legacy and more Michael Corleone’s trip to Cuba. But, as they say: Winter is coming.

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Game of Thrones: The only primetime TV show with characters who could’ve wandered in from an Amon Amarth video.

HBO’s epic fantasy series Game of Thrones is a rich meditation on power, class, religion, family and politics. It’s also metal as fuck. At its most basic level, the show is a drama about long-haired dudes wielding steel and kicking ass, every one of them a slave to power. So MetalSucks is covering the much-buzzed-about series as only we can.

We’ll leave the arty shit to the pencil-necked geeks at every other site; instead, we’ll evaluate every episode in terms of how Metal it is. How badass was Game of Thrones this week? We’ll tell you true. And we’ll try to provide some useful perspective along the way. Tune in every Monday morning for the only Game of Thrones review that matters.

Frequently Asked Question: “Should I read the books?”

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Game of Thrones Season 2 kicked off on HBO last night. Set in a medieval world, the epic series is a rich meditation on power, class, religion, family and politics. It’s also metal as fuck.

The buzz show’s aesthetic, worldview and demographics will all feel familiar to metalheads. In a Game of Thrones, long-haired dudes decked out in leather wield steel and kick ass while hot girls gyrate in the background. The sweaty dudes far outnumber the women characters, but the girls you encounter – especially in Season 2 – are some of the strongest women you’ll ever (not) meet. One particularly smokin’ gal pals around with dragons. Power is all. Week in, week out, the show delivers plenty to look at and think about.

SPOILER ALERT:

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Comic book author Matt Fraction is a music fan and a metal guy. He’s written alloy-plated, ferocious, and long-haired characters, including Iron Man (he was consulted for the Iron Man 2 movie), the X-Men, Punisher, Thor, and  – wait for – Iron Fist. His Iron Man work won him an Eisner Award, and he still gets down and dirty.

Fraction also works on the indie level, despite his high-profile gig writing mega-crossovers like the recent Marvel event, Fear Itself. His smaller-press work includes crime story Last of the Independents and the vampire bloodbath 30 Days of Night.  His creator-owned book, Casanova, recently returned to the racks, continuing his offbeat tale of espionage and intrigue.

While making the rounds to promote his various projects, Fraction has emerged as a creative force who’s worth paying attention to even if you’re not into super-powered, gun-wielding badasses. After a he made Thrasher and Guns N’ Roses references on his Twitter feed, we thought might be an interesting guy to talk to about metal, comics, creating, and art. We were right.

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2011: A pretty good year for the old school. And, no, with all due respect to the band, Worship Music is not the best Anthrax album.

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 A couple weeks back, your bros at MetalSucks ran an epic, multi-day feature entitled “Defending Danzig,” in which we looked at several of Danzig’s dubious distinctions and questionable judgment calls from over the years, then judged them. Our conclusion at the time? While he’s not beyond reproach, at least Danzig gets off his ass and does something, so don’t hate the player — hate the game.

But those were simpler times.

At this weekend’s Fun Fun Fun Fest in Texas, Danzig revealed himself as a jive turkey whose conduct was way the fuck beyond defensible.

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In honor of the Samhain season, MetalSucks is taking a fresh look at Danzig’s 11 most dubious distinctions. And we’re rendering judgment. And it all ends today. Click here for Part One: Misfortune. Click here for Part Two: Music. Click here for Part Three: Misfits.)

The problem with being an iconic musician: People start to pay attention to what you do outside the recording studio, beyond the stage. And if you’re popular long enough, next thing you know, people are hanging on your every word, and you can’t make it to the store and back without creating some kind of controversy.

Since he transitioned from a charting major-label act to heritage artist, some of Danzig’s most infamous incidents haven’t had anything to do with his music.

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In honor of the Samhain season, MetalSucks is taking a fresh look at Danzig’s 11 most dubious distinctions. And we’re rendering judgment. (Click here for Part One: Misfortune. Click here for Part Two: Music.)

Danzig has had a helluva run,  but the Misfits is his one truly iconic band, from its enduringly popular graphics to its all-killer-no-filler catalog, which started as catchy punk songs and eventually influenced heavy metal at its highest levels.

The group’s sordid saga is one of rock’s great Behind The Music stories, but for today’s Defending Danzig discussion, let’s decide whether the Misfits achieved their full potential, or whether it’s just another shoulda-woulda-coulda band.

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In honor of the Samhain season, MetalSucks is taking a fresh look at Danzig’s 11 most dubious distinctions. And we’re rendering judgment. (Click here for Part One: Misfortune.)

Danzig is, of course, a musician. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to debate whether he can fight or what kind of neighbor he is. Today, let’s look at the only thing that should matter: his art.

Over the course of 35 years, Danzig has topped the Billboard classical chart, written for country icon Johnny Cash, and penned a punk anthem that Guns N’ Roses covered. But rather than celebrate his diverse ability, contingents of diehard fans still heatedly debate the merits of his wide-ranging catalog.

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Glenn Danzig gets a lot of shit.

The singer-songwriter is probably the most diverse talent to emerge from the old-school hardcore scene. He wrote the lyrics and music to practically all the awesome songs from the Misfits, Samhain and Danzig. And when his backing bands weren’t executing his vision in the studio, Danzig would step in and perform plenty of the tracks.

Think about that: Could Greg Ginn have put together an entire Black Flag album himself? Could guitar prodigy Brian Baker have recorded an entire Minor Threat record? Ian MacKaye and Roger Miret are legendary frontmen, but just listen to Misfits songs like “Vampira” and “Death Comes Ripping” — as a hardcore singer, Danzig was without peer. And look what he did after his salad days.

Both of Danzig’s Black Aria albums crashed the Billboard Classical Music top ten (the first took the No. 1 spot). He wrote tunes for Johnny Cash and Roy Orbison. He penned two of the last four truly mandatory Metallica songs. Guns N’ Roses covered one of his many classics.

And what does that get him? A lifetime’s deluge of haterade.

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Tommy Bolin was one of the great ‘70s guitar gods, a charismatic, stylish, one-of-a-kind young talent on the rise. He played in the James Gang after Joe Walsh bolted, then stepped into Deep Purple when Ritchie Blackmore left. Bolin also recorded two solo albums that bounced back and forth from classic rock to ballsy, Zappa-esque jazz fusion. He died young, leaving behind a small-but-dazzling body of work.

When Bolin was in hard rock mode, the singer-guitarist sounded like your favorite songs from the Dazed and Confused soundtrack. The title track to Bolin’s 1975 Teaser LP is practically a blueprint for ’80s Sunset Strip hair metal like Mötley Crüe. For some reason, it’s not a nudie bar anthem, but it oughtta be. (An exhausted Crüe covered the song on 1991’s Decade of Decadence compilation, but their version is a fart.)

Bolin’s “Teaser,” album version

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Anacrusis have posted “The Killer in My House,” their first new song since 1993′s Screams and Whispers LP.  The band will play a reunion show at St. Louis’ Firebird on Saturday, Feb. 26. Listen below, or click here for a no-hassle free download .

The players came together in the mid-’80s, and formally launched as Anacrusis in 1986. Readers of UK mag Metal Forces voted 1987′s Annihilation Complete Demo of the Year. The band ultimately signed to Metal Blade. Over the years, they toured with Death, D.R.I. and Overkill, playing a melodic, downtuned thrash-prog hybrid that was way ahead of its time. Slayer/Trouble producer Bill Metoyer executive-produced their final album, Screams and Whispers. They split in 1993 and reunited last year to re-record their first two LPs. Two shows followed, in their hometown of St. Louis and Germany’s Keep It True Festival. The band return to Germany in June for the Rock Hard Festival.

[New video, old song: The re-recorded version of "Imprisoned" from 2010's Hindsight: Suffering Hour and Reason Revisited, originally from 1988's Suffering. Live footage from 2010 reunion shows in St. Louis and Germany's Keep It True festival. ]

The new track was born during last year’s sessions. Frontman Kenn Nardi told MetalSucks about what will come next.

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Steven Blush’s American Hardcore: A Tribal History is one of the great rock n’ roll history books. And now it’s bigger. Originally published in 2001, the Feral House book nails the golden age of old-school hardcore, from the movement’s inception to the watershed year 1986. The book inspired a documentary, the 2006 film American Hardcore. The movie is a must-see that has inspired as much griping and controversy as the book.

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MetalSucks is celebrating the season of the witch with the Munster Mash, a(n almost) weekly spotlight on metal covers of the Munsters theme. During the thrash/crossover era, every band and their moms busted it out at some point, either as a live staple or a hidden track.

This week’s take on the song is “Munster Mosh” by Virüs , pioneers of the ironic umlaut-U. The UK thrash band formed in 1986, split in ’91, and reunited in 2008. The TV-tune cover appeared on the band’s sophomore LP, 1988’s Force Recon, as a hidden track. Lead guitarist Coke McFinlay told MetalSucks how it became the band’s biggest sorta-single.

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MetalSucks is celebrating the season of the witch with the Munster Mash, a weekly spotlight on metal covers of the Munsters theme. During the thrash/crossover era, every band and their moms busted it out at some point, either as a live staple or a hidden track.

This week’s entry, by White Pigs, is one of the earlier versions. The band formed in Connecticut in 1980, and thrashed it up over the next decade. Eventually, they signed to Combat, which released discs by Agnostic Front, the Circle Jerks, Megadeth, and Dark Angel. Learn more about the band at the Punk Vault.

The sound quality is lo-fi punk, topped with squealing metal guitar cheese, all to awesome effect. Click the pic above to listen, or just listen below:

WHITE PIG, “THE MUNSTERS THEME”

here

What’s your favorite moshable Munsters theme? Submit your choice below, send us a note, and maybe it’ll make the spotlight next time.

–Ferris

D.X. Ferris is the author of 33 1/3: Reign in Blood, the first English-language book about Slayer. You can friend it on the Facebook, or follow his bullshit daily on the Tweeters:@dxferris and @SlayerBook. He’s probably watching the Charlie Brown Halloween special right now.