So Axl and Vince send me this link and they’re like, “Listen to this, we think you’ll dig it.” And at first I was totally put off by the idea of a black metal band that’s named after the shit I read every Sunday in the funny papers, but y’know what? The song is pretty good, and if Vader can be named after a Star Trek character, I don’t think anyone should give this band shit for being named after a cartoon dog.

Besides, Marduk the dog is a lot like a European black metal band: he’s constantly pissing people off, he’s constantly destroying shit, his English sucks, and he hates Jesus.

And, hey, at least this band is better than the Marduk movie! I was so excited to see that, and then I only laughed thirty, forty times tops. Plus, it had this awful political message. Man, I hate politics. They ruin everything!

So anyways, this new Marduk song is called “Souls for Belial,” and you can listen here. Like I said, it’s pretty good.

-DN

UPDATED:

████ ███████████ ████████████ ██ █ █████. ███████ ███ ██████ ███████ ███ █████ ████ ██ ████ ████ ███. ████ ██ █████ ██ █████ ████, ████ ████ ███ ██████ ███ █████ ██ ██████.

███ ██████, ██████████ ███ █████████ ███ ████ ████████ ████████ ██ █████-███ ██████ ███ ███ █ ██ ██-█████, █████ ████ ████ █████ ███████ ████ ████ █████ ██ ███ ██ █ ████ ████.

Click to read more…

Everyone’s always complainin’ about how Roadrunner doesn’t sign metal bands anymore, but that’s a crock — I mean, they just released the new Korn album, fer Chrissakes!!!

What people should be really pissed about is that Listenable Records has just totally sold out by signing Outcast!!!! I mean WHAT THE HELL?!?! Why would the label that used to put out awesome shit like Gojira release this garbage now???????

The worst part is, the press release Axl forwarded me refers to these dopes as “djent metal mongers.” HOW IS THIS GARBAGE DJENT?!?! If I was Meesha Mansure, I would totally lose my shit right now!!!!!

The press release also says Outcast is French. I didn’t even know they had rap music in France!

So I’ll give credit where it’s due — for a coupla frogs, these dudes speak English real good.

-DN

Art by Mike Capprotti

HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?!?!?

I always thought that Jesus was made-up, like Luke Skywalker, or evolution, but after reading this, I am getting my ass to a church to start some serious effing repenting.

The Gazette says that this weekend at a Godsmack show in Dubuque, Iowa, FUCKING DIMEBAG showed up and gave some poor Godsmack fan a lesson in manners by ripping out the motherfucker’s tracheotomy tube. HOLY CRAP THAT IS AWESOME.

Brad Kluesner says he was minding his own business in the front row at the concert. That’s when he says a stranger to him, Darrell Abbott, started bothering him.

Click to read more…

What the fuck? Look at this press release Axl just forwarded to me:

“It was in 1983 when Howard Jones first burst upon the contemporary music scene and brought his very English song-writing and pioneering synthesizers to an unsuspecting world. His first two albums Human’s Lib and Dream Into Action were massive worldwide hits.

“Human’s Lib reached #1 in 1984 in the UK and featured the hits ‘New Song,’ and ‘What Is Love?’  In 1985 Howard released his follow up: Dream Into Action, which quickly became a Top Ten Platinum album here in the US and featured the massive hits: ‘Things Can Only Get Better,’ ‘Life In One Day,’ ‘No One Is To Blame,’ and ‘Like To Get To Know You Well.’

“Now for the first time ever, Jones will perform these first two classic albums in their entirety in the US this fall. A true icon of the 80’s and godfather of modern electronic dance music, Jones will be giving the fans what they’ve longed for.”

Okay, so first of all, I did NOT know that Howard Jones was English. I always thought that dude was from Massachusetts!

Click to read more…

So I sat down to whack off to this new August Burns Red porno, and guess what?

THERE’S NO FUCKING SEX IN IT!!! Just some homeless kids doing homeless kid stuff. And it’s not even like the music was sexy. There’s no wah pedal or anything. What a waste of time.

-DN

Have you guys heard this new Meshuggah song? It’s called “Two Worlds of Design.” I was listening to it, and at first I was like, “Oh YEAH! Mesuggah is back, bay-bee!” I mean, Jens Kidman’s voice sounded a little less like the Cookie Monster and a little more like that singer from that band my nephew likes, but whatevs. NEW MESHUGGAH FUCKING RULES. Amiriteoramiriteoramirite?

Then, partway through the song, I heard the ice cream truck outside. So I paused the tune to run and catch it, ’cause as much as I love Meshuggah, the internet ain’t goin’ nowhere, bu the ice cream truck only comes by once a day!

So I run outside, and there’s no ice cream truck. And I’m real bummed ’cause I musta just missed it. But I go back inside and decide to finish the Meshuggah song, ’cause that should cheer me up.

And as soon as I hit “play,” guess what happens? I HEARD THE ICE CREAM TRUCK AGAIN! God answered my prayers and gave me a second chance! So, again, I pause the song and I run outside.

Click to read more…

Alright, so what the fuck? Last week my lady says “Hey did you get tickets to Otep’s 20th anniversary show or what?” And I didn’t get tickets. Fuck, I’ve only been listening to Otep for a few years, I didn’t know she’d been around for twenty years. So I tell my lady, “I didn’t get the tickets, baby, I’ll go on the internet and get them right now.” And she goes, “You can’t get them right now! The show is sold out, Dummy!”

Now, I don’t want my lady to be mad at me, so I go on Craig’s List and I hunt down some tickets. And they were totally fucking expensive, but like I said, I don’t want my lady to be mad at me. So now we’re off to see Otep.

Well, fuckin’ Otep comes out, and right off the bat, I’m confused. She dyed her hair brown and stopped waxing her lip? Why? Doesn’t she want boys to like her anymore? Blondes are so freakin’ HOT! And she’s playing a guitar, and talking funny. What the fuck is she doing? Is this like one of those performance art comedy things? Who does she think she is, Tom Green or something?

Click to read more…