Look! It’s another awesome MetalSucks guest column! When he’s not busy working as the vocalist for Thy Will Be Done or being metal’s foremost Christopher Walken impersonator, J. Costa will be writing about whatever the heck he wants for us. Please join us in welcoming him to the Mansion.

Hope everyone is well. We’re back out on the road again and, as usual, I’m always painfully reminded that I’m “not trusted” to pump my own fuel in two of our nation’s states: New Jersey and Oregon. But, since the event that sparked this particular blog has its roots in Oregon, I’m choosing to single that state out for making me suffer the backhanded compliment and discourtesy of being treated like an absolute ignoramus every time I need to fuel up the van there.

For those of you who don’t know, it is illegal to pump your own fuel in Oregon. Their “no self-serve” law was passed in 1951, and should have been repealed long ago. While there are “reasons” as to why this law is still in force, anyone with some common sense understands that it is a “make-work” law forcing gas station owners to hire the barely-employable and/or those who are just starting out in the work force. These “qualified attendants,” as far as Oregon’s lawmakers are concerned, keep us imbecile-citizens from harming ourselves, others, and our planet.

Some quick background: in 1951, when the Oregon legislature made it illegal to pump gasoline into one’s own automobile, it was believed that foolish individuals would mishandle gasoline and cause severe accidents – at least that’s the story Oregon legislators fed to the public back then. I’m sure in 2010, it has become clear that this fear was misplaced, as people the world over have managed to fuel up their own vehicles without incinerating themselves or their autos. In spite of overwhelming evidence to a one-in-a-billion accident occurring, Oregon’s state officials continue to back the self-serve ban for baseless reasons (below) that reveal their intellectual prowess:

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