If you live anywhere near New York Fucking City and you have half a brain in that ugly domepiece you call a head, you probably went to Day One of the inaugural Metal Suckfest at the Gramercy Theater yesterday.  And what a time it was…..we drank, we smoked, we rocked, we rolled, we laughed, we cried, we made sweet sweet love under the moonlight and then you puked all over me (gross!)……but holy bajeezus it was totally worth it huh?

Well TODAY is going to be even better!!!!!  Why/how, you ask??  1) the staff of MetalBlows will be raffling off hummers (not the cars), 2) ten radical bands (including Cynic, The Red Chord, Obscura, Fight Amp, and SIX MORE) will fuck your face right off, 3) I promise to keep that creepy guy from Metal Injection away from you, 4) free lapdances, 5) there’s a rumor going around that Lake Bukkake will play a secret set in the downstairs bar, 6) Axl will tell you all sorts of wise things about things, and 7) YOU SUCK.

Come party with us tonight, and be prepared to get a little messy……they don’t call it Suckfest for nothing!

-KW

I’ve been a fan of Portland’s Danava for some time now…..the band fuses heavy rawk riffage, ripping guitar solos, tripped-out keyboard mayhem, thumping boogie-stomp grooves and more together into an amalgam of awesome.  Bringing a new sensibility to yesteryear’s sounds in spades, Danava’s new Kemado Records album Hemisphere of Shadows is a scorcher that knows when to wail and when to lay back, with guitarmonies, fuzz and moogs aplenty.  Think Hawkwind, Thin Lizzy, Zeppelin, Deep Purple……..but don’t think, just rock out.

The band has old stuff on its TheirSpace page, and a few new tracks can be found on MeTube:

The band is currently on the road; remaining tour dates (with Thrones) after the jump.

Click to read more…

People all around the world love the nature-defying, super power’d MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys. And really, aside from poop being flung around wildly, what’s not to love?

Why even this past Summer Hollywood unveiled its long in-the-works movie adaptation of the story of that one time Higgins organized a simian mutiny in San Francisco (starring James Franco as a young Kip Wingerschmidt and John Lithgow as crotchety, forgetful ol’ Axl Rosenberg):

And some of you may remember The Kids In The Hall’s parody of Vince Neilstein’s rampant threats to unleash the monkeys on the unsuspecting public:

But every once in a while one of our mega-intelligent fusion-lovin’ apes gets a little too big for his/her britches, and an example must be made before the rest follow in rebellious suit.  We started calling it “ironing the monkey” — the MS version of branding your cattle, and unsurprisingly it’s quite effective.

Here’s what you do: let an insignia-clad iron heat up to peak temperature, drag a misbehaving monkey out into the middle of the arena (cuz yeah of course we have a bona fide arena in the Mansion) whilst the others watch on in sheer panic and terror, and brand the little fucker on his/her hairy bum…  Our iron has a big protruding “MS” protruding on it, so if you see that stamped on the ass of a monkey you’re sodomizing, you know where to return the beast after you’ve finished.

We got the idea from this band, which very well may have gotten the idea for its name from this movie:

Circle of life.

-KW

Whether you’re a pesto shrimp kinda gal or a spicy sausage man, hopefully one thing the two sexes can agree upon is that Justin Broadrick’s Jesu project is fucking beautiful. It rocks, it’s haunting, super earnest…..the perfect soundtrack for a late-night getting-to-know-you lovefest.

-KW

Even though this isn’t an official entry into our “Rigged” series, I thought it fit quite nicely so here ya go!

-KW

My brother-in-blog Axl Whoazenberg occasionally posts about things he finds hilarious that have nothing to do with metal, so I figured why not extend that notion into the realm of hottness?

My brother from the same mother introduced this video to me over the Summer during our annual visit to the Wingerschmidt west clan, and it continues to haunt me……enjoy.

Daisy Lowe for UK esquire HD from Greg Williams on Vimeo.

-KW

I done been a fan of Vancouver, Canada’s Black Mountain for quite some time now. The band’s shuffle-y stoner rock stylings fuse the best elements of ethereal 70s classic prog rock with melodic Zeppelin fare and heavy Sabbath-esque riffage, and the blend makes for one hell of an exploratory journey of psychedelic balls-deep rawk.

Take a long, strange trip with these samples from Black Mountain’s three excellent albums…

-KW

Dunno how we missed this one but our favorite prog metal band from the city of lost angles has had a previously unreleased in ‘merica song up online for maaaany months now.

We suck.

But the Song, “Vernon”, which was included on the European release of Valley of Smoke, is pretty awesome and you should check it out over at the blogronaut…

-KW

Ahhh, the Autumnal transition is finally upon us and here in New York the newfound chill in the air has already created a different vibe almost immediately.  No more mugginess, the putrid garbage in the streets isn’t melting into various layers of stench, and hooded sweatshirts are being pulled out of the deep recesses of closets left and right.

We here at MetalSmells are excited to invite you to relish with us the arrival of our favorite season, and remind you to enjoy it while it lasts.  Before too long the icy edge of winter will be shivering our broken collarbones and fiery libidos, so if you’re gonna fall, best get on that right away. 

-KW

Here in NYC, we’re on the brink of a hurricane (!), and the impending storm has everyone in a frenzy…..lines have been out the door at supermarkets, the entire transit system just closed down at noon (unprecedented), and bridges and tunnels will surely be next.

If you’re in the area, stay inside with some ganja, a loved one, movies/tv/video games/internet porn, and ride this puppy out for the next 36 hours…

And during said natural disaster, don’t be afraid to pick up that instrument or paintbrush or put pen to paper and officially begin/continue that opus you’ve been procrastinating on.

Life’s too short, and Mother Nature is getting impatient!

-KW

This shit is so baddass it turned my sneakers purple……true story.

-KW

I have a friend who swears that the basement of her workplace is haunted by a g-g-g-g-ghost… She also mentioned an affinity for reality shows about paranormal activity. So naturally I asked her if the ghost at her workplace came before she started watching said reality shows or vice versa. What do you think her answer was?

My humble apologies to the apparition-believers among us — I don’t mean to sound so skeptical. As a matter of fact, I suspect there are plenty of cosmic/extrasensory phenomena I have faith in that many of you might scoff at.

Destiny?

Fate?

G-d?

Unicornzzz?

MS Mansion Monkeys????

(That last one is undeniably real)

In any case, it’s hard not to appreciate m-m-m-m-music about g-g-g-g-ghosts, right?  Let’s get our spook on after ze jump…

Click to read more…

A couple days ago I mentioned tonight’s No Remission show at The Studio at Webster Hall, and unsurprisingly it reminded me of Mastoboogie’s early mastopiece Remission.

We’re all waiting with (masto) bated breath to hear how the new album will unfurl in our earholes, but until that day arriveth, we can continue to look back and revisit why we grew to love said mastodudes in the first place.

-KW

Anyone who plays an instrument has moments of thanking Jeebus for all of his/her appendages & extremities.  So often we take for granted the simple inherent nature of having all (or most) of our natural human body parts and functions, and it can be rather inspiring to witness someone overcoming the odds and making good out of an undeniably tough situation.

Enter John Denner, who was born without a right hand but designed a makeshift picking device that enabled him to learn how to play the guitar.  And dude didn’t just simply learn how to play — he legitimately shreds!  Case in point:

I mean…….WTF???  Hats off to Denner.

Visit his website here.

TV news story and clips from Denner’s instructional DVD after the jomp…

Click to read more…

…so says Australian charter boat operator Matt Waller, who has experimented with different types of music in underwater caged speakers, and found that sharks would get all zen and mellow when he blasted AC/DC.  In the future, Waller plans to try out tunes by Zeppelin, the White Stripes, and Ozzy.

The funny thing is, none of those are too br00tal……something tells me a little Gojira might make the great whites seriously hungry for flesh.

Read the full article here.

Thanks to Jessica V. for the tip!

-KW

Some sexy years ago, Vince and I met through a friend outside a Mastodon show at Starland Ballroom in smelly New Jersey.  Sure we hit it off, but moreover young scrappy Neilstein could clearly tell that one day I would save his life (hasn’t happened yet, as far as I know), we’d introduce each other to shittons of great music (has happened in spades), and we’d grow to be like-minded bitter NYC Jews together (happening every day).

The very first show Vince and I ever attended together was to see Sleepy Hollow’s own No Remission at legendary defunct Times Square haunt Siberia (Vince’s review of that show here).  We were both immediately impressed by this group of heady thrashsters who clearly took their roots from Death and Metallica but have certainly branched out over the years to evolve their own sound to new heights.

And now the band is poised to release a ferocious new full-length entitled Through Blackened Skies, and all you NYCers have a chance to help them celebrate said album at their record release show this Saturday at The Studio at Webster Hall (with Alekhine’s Gun, Arcane Malevolence, and Left In Ruins).

Go support local heaviness!

Visit No Remission on maispays

-KW

Sheesh you are getting old…  The best years and achievements are clearly behind you, and it’s time to give in to the slow ride downhill to mediocrity.

Right?

Hmmm…..let’s hope not.

Regardless of what’s ahead, it’s important to keep remembering where you came from, how your experiences have shaped you, and what to learn from them for the future. Duh.

Case in point: three of our very favorite bands are currently recording new albums, and while the jury may be out on how awesome said follow-ups will be, we have ample opportunity to look back at the past and think about what solid foundations have been built to make way for a healthy and expansive evolution…

Or the new albums may just all suck.  Who fucking knows?

-KW

Last night I was on the subway and smelled a distinct fishy odor.  Immediately I thought what most red-blooded American men would in that situation and looked around for, well, a less-than-hygienic female.  Instead I was surprised to notice that the small well-dressed Venezuelan man sitting next to me was eating a lobster tail.  An actual, full-on lobster tail.  And dude was crunching the shell with his teeth and slurping up all the fishy juice, all the while little bits of shell shrapnel flying about.  As he opened up the courier bag sitting on his lap to drop in the empty tail shell I couldn’t help but notice that he actually had an entire lobster inside (!).  WTF, I asked myself…  And when the guy drunkenly stumbled off the subway car I just had to remark out loud: “Weird.”

So I am honoring this bizzare weekend with a collection of videos featuring everyone’s favorite weirdo, “Weird” Al Yancovic.  Not the master parody-er’s famous song parodies per se, but rather his oft-underwatched joke interviews with superstar musicians.  First up are a few classics (Ozzy & Paul McCartney are ridiculous) and after the jump, Keith Richards, Michael Stipe, Eminem, and more.

Blackout in Brooklyn tonight, anyone?

These are dedicated to the absence of Juggalo Bob’s curly locks (RIP)…

Click to read more…

Brrrrraaaaaahhhhhh…………it’s 4:20 on 4/20!!!!  Ganjaleel?

Speaking of trippy-hippie-nings — I’ve never been to ten year-old Bonnaroo, but I imagine it’s not too much different from most jamband fests I have attended in my day.  Sure, the ‘roo offers a bit more diversity than its twice-baked counterparts, but c’mon you can’t convince me of your multi-faceted-ness just cuz you got Eminem & The Sword.  Really, Bonnaroo — really?  However, looking over the lineup I can’t just write it off as a larger, more commercialized jamband fest, since the bookers did in fact happen to lock in many indie/alternative acts that are pretty awesome.  So…..let’s call it a draw.

In the metal realm, nitrous abusers can enjoy aforementioned The Sword, Primus, Kylesa, and ultimate stony bros Opeth.  Whoa.

I’d be curious to see how all the white dreadlock’d mofos hacky-sackin at the ‘roo might react to Mikael’s death growl, but naturally the psychedelic-imbibers will revel in the acoustic/heady parts.

“Dude…….this is like, totally hardcore metal — but it’s not…”

Although — Baroness played last year and the kids seemed to dig it.  Wanna see the softest mosh pit ever?

Don’t get too stoned today.

-KW

It’s true, and it’s finally here — after so many relentless album spins, Germany progressive metal collective The Ocean will finally grace our earholes stateside and decimate the back room at Public Assembly in Brooklyn. Add to the mix MS faves East of the Wall and death-grinders Flourishing, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a show.

Vince and I will most certainly be in tow and whiskey’d up, as will Toto and the Tin Man, and many more of your least-favorite NYC r-tards….

JOIN US.

Thanks to BBG from Brooklyn Vegan & Rich Hallford from 1000 Knives for making this show happen.   Dreams can come true.

Be sure to catch The Ocean on their MetalSucks-sponsored tour around ‘merica with Job For A Cowboy and BTBAM starting this Friday — tour dates after the jump.

-KW

Click to read more…