Two weeks I wrote about how Ratt’s “Dance” is an excellent stripping song, and jested about trying it out myself. Jokes aside, I’ve always been fascinated by strip clubs and strippers and the whole shebang. It’s just so weird to me. The way it all functions and how lucrative it really is. When I was in college, we affectionately called the street right next to us “Stripper Alley” because of the cluster of clubs situated two steps from the dorms. You’d be hard-pressed to find worse houses of “burlesque” in the country.

Unfortunately, any fantasies or visions of naked grandeur were put to rest when I attended one innocent evening and an enthusiastic and obviously pregnant girl started raving about how much she loved my name. ‘Cause my real name was her stage name. Thanks, mom and dad.

It’s hard to deny that there’s some connection between metal, especially hair metal, and stripping. They go hand in hand like… syphilis and crazy. But I really don’t like the “stripping songs” that everyone always seems to go with. “Pour Some Sugar On Me”… like, really? There are so many underrated bands from that era and even more underrated songs. Some just had bad timing and some were plain ignored. But it got me thinking.

So here are the top underrated bands (note: “underrated” does not necessarily mean “unpopular”) of the 80s and early 90s, along with their corresponding strip songs. Now, these aren’t my choices, mind you — I just think they’d get the job done. I really hope no family members are reading this but if they are: HEY YOU GAVE ME A STRIPPER NAME, THIS WAS INEVITABLE.

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I frequent Tumblr every once in a while for the usual dose of cute cat antics and half-naked men. Occasionally, a hot metal (female) babe pops up on my feed. This in and of itself is not so surprising, since I actually follow Metal Babes. I have a delightful friend who is often posted there. Pictures on the Internet never stay contained though, and one particular image of her got passed around and garnered many, many notes. Mostly because she’s a pretty girl wearing a Lamb of God shirt, which automatically means she doesn’t really like the band, she’s just doing it for fashion.

Well, that’s just silly. Why would a pretty girl work to impress the most socially awkward of music fans? Yeah, stereotypes work both ways. However, it is kind of apparent that metal has become a fashion statement, and according to a recent piece on Metal Army, a really popular one.

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Technically, summer isn’t over until September 23. But to hell with that! Days are gonna get shorter, the weather’s gonna get cooler, and everyone will soon celebrate the birth of the one true me. So there’s really no point in hanging on to the last vestiges of summer. Good-bye and good riddance. What better way to hail the moodiest season of them all than with some Blut Aus Nord?

The French “avante-garde” black metal band are, admittedly, a little full of themselves. Refusing to be lumped with other, more popular black metal acts, who they refer to as — and this is the best line ever — “childish Satanic clowns.” Wait, does this make them the original black metal hipsters, then? Oh well. Despite that, I still like them. I didn’t get to listen to 777 – Sect(s) until quite recently, and if I’d heard it sooner, I would’ve considered putting it on my year’s best so far list.  It has everything I’d expect in a Blut Aus Nord record; lots of reverb and that glorious industrial influence that I always appreciate in music, whatever the genre.

And yet, 777 – Sect(s) is a little lackluster, especially compared to some of their earlier stuff.

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Swedish sleaze/thrash quartet Hardcore Superstar is celebrating ten years of awesome music by releasing a best of compilation. The Party Ain’t Over ‘Til We Say So will feature songs from records released between the years of 2000-2010. Taking its name from the lyrics to “Last Call for Alcohol,” from last year’s record Split Your Lip, the compilation also includes a brand-new single, “We Don’t Need A Cure.”

And I’m still undecided on “Cure.”

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I was trying to think of a good excuse I could use as to write about Ratt ,since I’ve been having kind of a Ratt week. Warren DeMartini’s birthday? No. Apparently, that was in April. Anniversary of Robbin Crosby’s death? Nope, that was back in June. Then it hit me! The always useful ALBUM OF THE DAY.

My favorite Ratt album is Reach for the Sky. Come on — “Way Cool Jr.,” “What’s It Gonna Be,” “I Want A Woman?” All great classics. But recently I’ve been sticking to songs strictly from 1986’s Dancing Undercover. Especially “7^th Avenue.” It’s got a slow-but-hard intro that I absolutely adore. It might possibly be because it’s the exact same one as on  “Between the Eyes,” from the band’s previous album, Invasion of Your Privacy. If you’re going to rip someone off, it might as well be yourself.

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I was bored and clicking around on the Internet like you do, when I discovered two things on the Crashdiet site. First of all, I realized what their merch mascot reminds me of. I love you, Crashdiet and your extremely marketable new singer, but, um, you’re sort of ripping off The Casualties.

To be fair, every other punk band has done it too (The Exploited, Bad Religion, etc.,) but to be even fairer, you’re not punk.

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I give into peer pressure easily. In no particular order other than alphabetical:

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One of my favorite musicians, Ginger, set off on a quest to record a three album masterpiece. Now, this is exciting news, especially to me, but you need money for that sort of thing. He wanted to bypass all that industry red tape and do it on his, and his fans’, terms, but how do you do that with no money of your own and no record company funding? Ginger Wildheart: The Triple Album Project has set up to work through pledges, and offers four options to choose from:

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I’ve been a long-time (and rather outspoken) fan of the glam revival that is sleaze metal, but I can quite honestly say that “Hot,” by Reckless Love, is one of the worst songs I’ve heard all year.

It doesn’t get much fluffier than Reckless Love. They’re literally modern-day hair metal; all looks and no substance. In simplest terms, that’s what distinguishes crappy hair bands desperately clinging to a gimmick from bands that just happened to fit the musical and physical definitions of a genre (but actually made good music). I’d compare Reckless Love to Tigertailz rather than anything by, like, Cinderella (a.k.a. “music I can stand”). But I still prefer Steevi Jaimz and his Marq Torien rasp (“Amazing,” from his solo project, is pretty good) to anything by the overly fake-tanned Finns. Man, and I just wrote a piece approving of that country’s bands. Way to wreck the curve, guys.

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Let’s take a look at a band that, amazingly enough, doesn’t take itself as seriously as, say, every other band that has originated from the Scandinavian Peninsula. Formed in 2004 by Children of Bodom’s Alexi Laiho, Kylähullut was a silly side-project featuring Tonmi Lillman (Ex- To/Die/For) and Vesku Jokinen (Klamydia). I’ve liked the occasional Bodom song and Laiho was pretty easy on the eyes until he wasn’t, but I gotta say, I much prefer him and Jokinen rasping in a language I don’t understand than anything relating to hate crews. Kylähullut, which means “village idiots,” performs all their songs in Finnish, and they’re all simple thrash/punk metal ditties as easy to digest as your average pop song.

Though their most recent release is 2007’s Peräaukko Sivistyksessä, I prefer the first album, Turpa Täynnä, from 2005. As well as an abundance of umlauts, each song has a delightful name, especially “Scenehuora,” which means, if you couldn’t guess, “scene whore.” I also quite like “…Ja Jeesus ei pysy ristillään!” (“…And Jesus won’t stay on his cross!”) and “Vitun urpo!” (“Fucking idiot!”). The exclamation points are a nice touch.

My favorite song of theirs, though, “Ei pelkoa,” which was also the first Kylähullut song I ever heard. It’s has a touch of the customary Laiho guitars, but without his proclivity to meander endlessly. I think the fact that each song barely hits three minutes really plays up to the trio’s strengths. No frills, just hard, straightforward music. The only song that sort of bugs me is “Kylähullut, ” which features Kimberley Goss, whose voice makes me want to throttle cute, innocent things. It sounds like Andrew WK mated with a Finnish Avril Lavigne. But even that tune has its charm.

Also, if someone could explain to me what the hell is happening in this video, I’d appreciate it. I found it while searching for the song “Kääpiöt.” Far as I can tell, it’s the three dudes on a very special adventure together.

They actually remind me of another silly Finnish act (not in terms of the actual music, but just their general air and attitude), Eläkeläiset. A geriatric band that does heavy metal polka (humppa) covers with the occasional pop or rock song thrown in for good measure. Like. “Smells Like Teen Humppa.”  I really don’t know what these bands are drinking, but I would like to try it.

-LF

You know what your summer has been lacking? Some hair metal! I’m a little bummed I’m missing the shit show that is sure to be the Motley Crue/Poison/New York Dolls tour, but, luckily, I’ve got another gem of concert. Continuing with my summer of nostalgic shame, I recently saw Bon Jovi in Istanbul. Yep, Bon Jovi. First Slipknot, and now Jersey’s finest. God, throw in some KMFDM or the Mortal Kombat soundtrack and we’ll complete the trifecta of my youthful metal faux pas: nu-industrial-hair. Doesn’t that sound like a terrible, terrible fashion subculture? I’m sure it already exists in Japan.

Anyways, I’ve been in and out of love with Bon Jovi for as long as I can remember. The past few years I’ve unfortunately let my love turn into hate (whooaa-hooo [I didn’t] keep the faith), but I think this show has pushed me back into neutral territory, bordering on affection. Apparently, I just can’t quit the on-going story of Tommy and Gina.

Now, a lot of you might consider attending a Bon Jovi concert lame. I’m not here to dissuade you. But I do think that I ventured so totally into lameness at this show that at one point it became ironic and, thus, really cool. Maybe. I don’t know how these things work.

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I got forwarded this video by one of my delightful editors, and, man, they do know me. It’s “Bullet,” by Broken Teeth, and I do enjoy it’s Danko Jones-meets-Airbourne-ness. The video itself is kind of boring and doesn’t do much for me, but that last scene reminds me of The Darkness. That might not be such a good thing though, because now I want to listen to them rather than Broken Teeth, but Broken Teeth are still worth checking out if you want inoffensive strut-rock. It’s off their newest release, Viva La Rock, Fantastico.

-LF

My iTunes decided to define Michael Monroe’s Sensory Overdrive as indie rock, which is just wrong. Indie rock makes me think of like… wait, I don’t even know anymore. Pavement? The Postal Service? Do those count? My college roommate would listen to all that stuff so any knowledge I have is very much secondhand. Anyway, after a twelve-year hiatus, Hanoi Rocks put out one of their best releases with Street Poetry in 2007 and a year or so after that proclaimed they were done for good. Mr. Monroe and co. quite irked me with that news before I realized this is a band we’re talking about. “For good,” rarely means forever so I still have hope. But, eh I’m also still hoping for a Guns n’ Roses reunion with Axl Rose, so take that as you may. I’m either highly optimistic or stupidly naïve.

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There are probably very few metal fans that don’t have an immediate, vehement reaction to In Flames. Either they’re devoted and loyal, stubbornly sticking to the belief that the band can do no wrong; or they’re self-righteously angry, declaring that In Flames has let them down too many times, musically speaking. If there’s a middle ground, I’ve yet to encounter it. Everyone has an opinion and is more than happy to share it.

Well, so does guitarist Björn Gelotte. He and I had a nice chat recently, covering everything from the group’s new album, Sounds of a Playground Fading, to the internet, to loud family members, to Star Trek. Read the full interview after the jump!

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After I heard the news about Turbonegro I got a little curious about what former vocalist Hank von Helvete was up to with his new band. The name was weird enough to get my attention and it was relatively easy to track down, so I soon had Doctor Midnight and The Mercy Cult’s first release, I Declare: Treason in my possession.

Well. It’s pretty weird.  It starts out with an ominous, spoken word intro but when you listen to the actual words it’s rather uplifting in it’s own cult-ish way.

I am here to declare everlasting love, it shall be light.
I am God, I believe in you.
You are the light, you are what’s coming next.
You are the past and the future.
You’re the beloved one…

Nice stuff, right? If I didn’t know better, I’d totally join this Doctor fellow. He sounds legit.

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Every year in the summer I do the obligatory trek back home to Turkey. For most people, this is kind of a nuisance, but not that big a deal. However, I need to take at least two planes and cross the Atlantic to visit my family. This is why I usually go home onlyonce a year. Or whine at them to just come to me if they have to see me.

I grew up somewhere were we didn’t get many bands. I’m pretty sure that’s partly why I moved to a large city in the States. But when I found out that the Sonisphere Festival was hitting home sweet home, right when I was visiting, I took it upon myself to take my two youngest cousins and little sister. I figured it’s my duty to take them to their first metal show. We decided not to half-ass it. We’d stick it out from start to finish and see all five bands. One day of metal culminating in Iron Maiden. None of them had ever seen them. It was the most awful and awesome day.

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Turbonegro are back! Turbonegro are back! Okay, I can’t be the only one excited about this. I am? What is wrong with you?

I was scrolling through Kerrang!’s online site on the off-chance there was something worth reading, and, weirdly enough, there was. Tony Sylvester, the former head of the London branch of Turbojugend (Turbonegro’s official fan club/world-wide gang) and their UK press officer, has stepped in to fill front man Hank Von Helvete’s dandy shoes. The Norwegian party-band went on hiatus in 2009 after Hank left to, and I quote, “Pursue a career in acting, the Church of Scientology and goth rock,” leaving me with a party-sized hole in my heart. Great euphemisms for a crippling drug habit, not so great for Hank. Luckily, he seems to be doing fine now, and just released an album this month with his new band, Dr. Midnight and the Mercy Cult.

And now Turbonegro are coming back, too! Happy days!

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As much as I bitch about summer and hot weather, I have my yearly tradition to hail in the dread season. I get myself a cold drink, usually a nice wheat beer, and blast Brave New World and the air-conditioner. I’m not a complete sociopath; I’ll have the shades up so my apartment is light and sunny. It’s like the most comfortable igloo with the best ambiance.

But I decided to switch it up a bit this year. Summer is also the time for kitschy, joke meta,l and while Lordi’s last release, Babez for Breakfast, was unbearably mediocre, I have my arsenal of equally campy bands to make up for it. Some might protest to my inclusion of Witchery under this banner, but, come on now. The album is called Dead, Hot, and Ready, for God’s sake.

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I like reading bad reviews. (I enjoy a crucifixion. I don’t know, maybe I was Roman in a past life.), but I really, really hate writing them. An old job I had used to consist of reviewing live shows and local, unsigned bands, and it was one of the most soul-crushing things I’ve ever had to do. I have a conscience. I don’t like completely annihilating something someone has spent so much time on. Something they put their heart and soul into. It’s generally why I stick to reviewing things that I’ve enjoyed and defending my reasons for that enjoyment. Maybe my enthusiasm will help sway someone’s mind.

That being said, I’m not going to feel obliged to write a good review for the hell of it. That sucks.

So. I got sent a couple records recently. I wasn’t too enthusiastic about them, and figured I would just let them fall by the wayside. Then I felt guilty about that. Good grief. It’s such a passive thing, though. Just man up and give an answer/ review, right? I think it’s better to be acknowledged, even in a negative light, rather than  be full-on ignored. So here are the two reviews I’ve been putting off for a while.

On the bright side, they’re quite the study in opposites: Turkish hardcore vs. Californian power metal.

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One of my favorite bands, Bloodlights, has a still-untitled album coming out this fall. Now this is good news,because, well, I love them. I’ve had the opportunity to hear a few of the bands newer songs and I’m happy to say it’s more of the punk-influenced, sleazy rock n’ roll fun that they’re fast becoming known for.

Fronted and founded by ex-Gluecifer guitarist Captain Poon, the Norwegian foursome have been around since 2006. Though their music has slowly started trickling over to the States, they’re a fairly well known act in Europe, and this latest offering will mark their third album. Each record has steadily become more metal and boogie-rock influenced, and while they still retain their signature raw punk feel, I think they’ve really got a solid hold on their sound with this third release.

“Gimme Blood” is a track off the new record, and my pick for one of their best. Enjoy!

-LF

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