Axls calleds me earlys thees mornings. Havents spokens ins a longs times.

“Hey, dude, check out the new Trivium song,” he says ins his disgustings accent. “There’s a section toward the end that sounds kinda black metall-y! Rad! Killer! Awesome! Okay, catch ya later!”

I thinks: “Dids he says ‘Trivium’ to mes?”

But Is listens to the song anyways.

Its wills be a longs time befores I speaks tos Axls again.

-NC

“Dusk Dismantled” appears on Trivium’s new album, In Waves, which comes out August 9 on Roadrunner.

This mornings, Is wants tos eats somethings Is cannots pronounce. Is wants Naglfar.

-NC

Emperors Magus Caligulas is leavings Darks Funerals. Bummers. This mornings, Is burns the french toasts ins his honors. Burns it blacks. BLACKS, IS SAYS!!!

Donts looks ats me. Is nots cryings. Fucks yous ins the assholes withs the cocks froms hells.

-NC

Axls ands Vince saids Is haves to dos this. Is hates it. Axls says “Its likes corpses paint.” Vince says “Its ‘Unholys.’ Yous likes things thats ares nots holys!” Is calls bullshits. Is quits. Fucks yous. Fucks yous and the ponys yous rodes on.

-NC

What dos Indians eats for brunchs? Is guess Is gonnas finds outs the hards way. I hopes theys haves steaks ands eggs, buts Axl says probablys nots. Damns its.

What dos Indians black metals sounds likes? Is guess yous gonnas finds outs the hards way, too…

-NC

Is was goings to saves this fors the Daddys Days Editions of Blacks Metals Brunch, buts so manys of yous sents its ins thats Is just goings to posts its now. Alsos because this ways yous might remembers thats its Daddys Days on Sundays and buy your daddys a presents now, sos yous donts haves tos scramble on daddys days. Unless yours likes mes, and you killeds yours daddys. Buts fors the rests ofs yous…

-NC

Lovings your mommies is tr00. Shes the ones whos taughts yous hows tos bes ebil. Maybes yous evens borrowed her makesups thes first time yous puts ons corpse paints. Remembers hows shes mades yous cleans your rooms? Ebil. Ors hows shes tolds yous tos makes thes monsters face sos shes could brush yours teeths? Ebil. Ors hows she groundeds yous whens shes founds outs that yous burneds downs the church? EBIL. Ors hows she stoods ups for yous whens you coulds nots gets the parole fors killings your band mates? EBIL!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yous cans takes one days tos gos tos thes Hallmarks and buys a nice cards. It wills nots kills yous.

Most BM bands is toos muchs ofs pussys tos express their loves fors the mommies. Pussys pussys pussys. Heres the bests Is coulds dos. Nows Is ams goings tos give my mommies the necklace Is boughts ats thes T.J. Maxxs ands takes her tos the buffets ats the Holidays Inns ands to sees the Babies movie. Ebil, ebil, ebil.

-NC

Because thats wheres Is wills be todays insteads of enjoying mys brunch.

-NC

Ims goings tos puts hallucinogenics ins thes eggs this mornings. Shhhhhs. Don’t tells Axl ands Vince! I wants thems tos bes surprised. I wants thems tos say, “Whoas! Whats wrongs with mys eggs?!?” Ands thens I ams goings to gets thems tos dos somethings embarrassing, ands I ams goings tos takes a picture! Ands we wills laughs. Has has has!!!

-NC

What? Is dids nots gets to plays Aprils Fools joke.

-NC

If yous nevers seens 1349 in concerts, yous has nots livededs. I knows religions is bads and stuffs, but its likes a religious experience. Likes when yous really needs to gos numbers twos, and yous dos not thinks you ares goings to make its, and then you dos? HAIL SATAN! It’s as Antichrist Christmases miracles! That ees whats 1349 ees likes in concerts.

Band hases a news albums coming out, Demonoir, on April 27. News song, “Atomic Chapel,” ees streamings on your spaces rights now. Hopefullys theys comes backs tos thees shitholes yous calls “America” soon, ‘cuz Axl n’ Vinces wills nots let mes leaves theese infernals place. Ebil bastards.

-NC

‘Cause the doctors says Is needs to gos ons a diets. Nos mores chocolates chip pancakes for mes! EBIL!!!

-NC

Todays Is am havings nots  yours traditional brunches, but Frühstück and Kaffeehäuser. I am tolds theres is goings to bes lotses and lotses of breads. Mmm. Breades fores breakfasts! You sees whats Is dids there?

-AR

Although the editors of MetalSucks get a vote in the Scion No Label Needed Contest, the staff of MetalSucks, alas, does not. Thus, over the course of the next few days, each MetalSucks writer will post an endorsement for his favorite finalist for the contest. You can check out all the finalists, and vote for your personal favorite, here.

There’s nos black metals ins this stupids contest! The judgeses are prejudiceds against BMs likes sanes peoples are againsts Michelle Bachmann, onlys with nos reals reasons.

But, fines, this Hemoptysis bands is prettys evil. Theys plays deathrash and theys does its pretty goods. You likes Skeletonwitch, don’ts yous? Hemoptysis sounds like Skeletonwitch! Also, their names means “coughings ups the blood,” which is disgustings. I likes disgustings.

Bonus: pictures of nakeds Asian girl covered only bys a cymbal. Now I’m going to gos plays with my penis.

-NC

Listen to and vote for Hemoptysis here. You can also visit them on MySpace.

It’s beens exactlys four years and ones week since Watains releaseds Sworn to the Dark. That makes my souls colds and darks, likes the insides of Kirstie Alley’s beastlys anus. Buts finallys, now, we sees the lights at the ends of the beastlys anus: Watains is gonnas release a news albums on 7 June ons Season of Mist.

Thats alls I knows right nows. Erik Danielsson froms Watains says “May the gods unto which it is written be pleased!”, buts I bets godses gots nothings to dos with its.

-NC

I haves seens manys weirds things at brunches. I haves seens mine uncles pours his chocolates milks over his pancakes. I haves seens mines friends gets up to take a bigs dump so he coulds keep eatings at the buffets. I haves sprinkled mushrooms in my crepes for a reals minds fuck. I haves seens brunches that weren’ts reallys brunches at alls. Spookies…

-NC

Todays I drink Minute Maid orange juices (from concentrates) with breakfasts instead of my regular Tropicana. It was good. Sometimeses the imitations is even betters than the originals. Though I very much miss the pulps.

-NC

[Thanks: d00shc00gr]

Tonights starts Yom Kippurs. I was gonna plays some Jewish black metals, but the onlys Jewish black metals bands I knows is Bishop of Hexen, and they sucks major matzos balls. So I am cheatings with Melechesh. They ares not Jewish, but they is Israeli. And they rules.

-NC

This mornings we wakes up to a texts from our friends Eyal from Daath. He’s on tours in Europe, and Lord Ahriman from Dark Funeral tooks him to brunch at a four stars hotels! BLACK METAL BRUNCH LIVES!!!

-NC

This mornings I wants tartines. Tartines with mustards. And crepes with nutellas. Yums yums.

-NC