That’s right guise, this is the first demo from my new ‘friendzone slam’ band ENPEDESTALMENT! It’s basically about how much DEMI LOVATO means to me, and how her brave struggle with addition helped me deal with a lot of crazy s— I was going through. Thanks bb, I hope these lyrics mean as much to you as they do to me ♥

ROCK IF U LIKE: Cephalotripsy, Bayside, Female Nose Breaker, Saves The Day, The Wonder Years

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. helps readers deal with a lot of crazy s— every day at Stuff You Will Hate.

Only listen to this song if you are a very good musician!!! If you play one of those old-school guitars with 6 strings it probably will not make sense to you!

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I’m not sure how many of you guys have heard of THE WHITECHAPELS, but they used to be one of the better generic deathcore bands. Then they heard Meshuggah and experimented with DJENTCORE on their last record, which was ok but everybody was like “lol it’s 2011 copying Meshuggah is played out brb listening to the new Suiside Silence” and then THE WHITECHAPELS were like “Fukk, OK well then I guess we should change our style,” which I think is cool because most bands are like “We don’t care what is cool, we just play music that we would want to listen to” (translation: we are out of ideas).

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Music blogs are a dime a dozen, bloated with generic, interchangeable content that makes boilerplate Jungle Rot press releases seem electrifying by comparison. The only thing worse than the sites themselves are the legions of angry imbeciles flooding the comments with their excessively strong, unwanted opinions. But in this sea of dross there is an island of excellence, a blog with content so strikingly original and readers so insightful, witty and charismatic that it’s truly in a class of its own: STUFF YOU WILL HATE.

We all know that the best way to express your individuality is through the products and services you purchase. Tell the world that you are a sophisticated, tastemaking opinion leader. Show them your impossibly nuanced understanding of contemporary youth culture, your uncanny ability to effortlessly dissect the latest trends in hilarious fashion, and your loyalty to the only blog that truly understands high art hiding in plain sight. Leave no doubt that you ‘really get what the site is all about.’

Official STUFF YOU WILL HATE t-shirts available now for pre-order.

Sup bro.

Most of us know Cam Argon as dubstep dj BIG CHOCOLATE, but if you are a longtime fan like me you’ll remember him as one of the sickest death metal vocalists in the game. We are super stoked to premiere this exclusive new track from his #slam project DISFIGURING THE GODDESS, known for both their uniquely warm, natural recordings and epic live show. Pace yourself when you’re moshing to this song, because there’s more where that came from: DTG’s new album Sleeper drops April 24th. Mark your calendar and prepare your anus!

brb pleading with my mom to buy this for me if I get at least 75% on my Algebra II test this Friday

Preorder “Sleeper” here, holler at DTG on Facebook, and listen to Frank Mullen on the Stuff You Will Hate podcast to find out why he almost beat up Cam while they were in Europe (srs)!

-Sergeant D.

I’m just going to come right out and say it: EMMURE have lost me as a fan :( Before you write me off as just another butthurt hater, hear me out. Trust me, I really WANTED to like this album! I spent the last two weeks mashing F5 on all my favorite deathcore download blogs, waiting with baited breath for the leak I knew would eventually get posted to some Russian 9th grader’s Blogspot with a lulzy name like DA SICKNEST DEATH AND CORES. I was prepared to wade through the broken English and links to dodgy spyware-laden filesharing sites, because I was a man on a mission: I had to have SLAVE 2 THA GAEM on day one!!

I watched this trailer like 10 times in a row and I was like ‘fuck my asshole that bounce riff goes so hard and it even starts with a BLEH! This album is going 2 be so fucking sick!!!!’

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Personally I am not really into Devan Townsend like all the little fanboys on this site, and to be honest I’m not a huge fan of Asking Alexandria either. But I am a fan of interesting collaborations, so I applaud both Deven Townsend for his open-mindedness toward new bands and Danny Worsnop for risking his credibility by working with an older, ‘uncool’ artist. The music is not exactly my thing, but big ups to them for trying something different!

Pre-order the exclusive PACKAGE DEAL here

If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you are an Internet Metal Nerd. You’re an expert on music, on technology, on life in general. Nobody can tell you shit, and when they try? You put them in their place with the quickness. You’ll make them regret the day they were born if they try to match wits with you. You’re the coolest fucking guy you know.

Except nobody else seems to agree with you. That awkward moment of cognitive dissonance when your self-image doesn’t quite line up with reality, and everyone thinks you’re a fucking loser despite how popular your 1980s South American thrash reviews are on Metal Archives. You spent hours arranging the carefully-chosen patches on your ‘battle vest,’ but when you proudly strutted around in the mall in it, nobody was mirin. Everybody just thought you looked like an asshole. Instead of complimenting you on your Sarcofago patch, they pointed and laughed. They asked you if Halloween came early this year.

Your confidence is shaken. Nothing makes sense anymore. You don’t even know what’s cool, much less whether you are cool or not. Your head is spinning, your pulse racing. You’re in a cold sweat. Wat do???

After the break: a scientific model for HOW 2 KNOW IF YOU ARE COOL!!!

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Many people here on MetalSucks think I don’t like metal, but that is simply not true. I love metal! It’s just that I have been listening to it for twenty years and have extremely advanced-level taste, so I don’t just fap over whatever shitty shit that I am “supposed to” like according to the IMN rulebook. Since I have been listening to metal longer than many of you have been alive, I figured you could use some pointers on what you should and shouldn’t like. And with it being so trendy these days, I figured I would discuss my first love: THRASH (or metal de thrashe, for all the brown people in the house). Feel free to ignore my advice, but you’ll only be cheating yourself. It’s your choice: swallow your pride, or look like a poser by listening to the wrong bands!

First, the shitty bands you should avoid, and then the good stuff: in SERGEANT D’S GUIDE TO ELITE-TIER THRASH after the break!!

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The old days were the best, am I right?? I try to listen to some of these new bands, but nothing is as good as when music was REAL!! I’ll never forget Cleveland in the late 90s, going to all those shows at Peabody’s where there were 9 local nu-metal bands on the bill who played for an hour each and you could only tell them apart by their crappy, stale gimmick like matching blue hair or a girl bassist with a c-section scar. Everything felt so alive!!! If you miss those times as much as I do, you are going to love this video! It’s like you are right there, standing next to the men’s room for an hour while the 7th band tries to get their neon strobe lights to work!!

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As you may know, I am a big fan of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Critics may cry foul, but the simple fact of that matter is that originality is highly overrated. Who wants a car with two steering wheels, pants with three legs, or bands who color outside the lines?? Not this guy!

That’s why I am thrilled by the upcoming FORMULAICORE scene, which is an exciting group of hungry young bands that take standardization to a whole new level. If you’ve ever said to yourself “I really want to like Sumeriancore/Risecore, but those bands just take too many chances for me,” then you’re in for a treat!! Take a look at two of the most buzzworthy artists in the genre:

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Leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS has a special Valentine’s Day gift for you: the exclusive, limited-time chance to design your own PACKAGE DEAL!!

For You and Your Sweetie package deal, offers two shirts for $25 plus FREE shipping on the rest of your order ($7 for international). Choose one shirt for your Valentine, then choose one for yourself. After all, you deserve it for being so thoughtful. Also, take advantage of the free shipping by loading up on additional items from the Victory Records webstore. No Valentine? Go ahead and spoil yourself. Don’t miss out on this sweet deal.

IMO package deals are just the latest example of VICTORY RECORDS’ long history of innovative ideas. They offer consumers a great value for their hard-earned dollar, and give Victory a chance to get rid of outdated, shitty product that won’t sell at full price– everybody wins! It’s sort of like how at Olive Garden you can sample wine for 25 cents, only with breakdowns!!

After the break, a few of my favorite SKUs from this exciting marketing initiative– which will YOU choose for YOUR package deal???

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A bunch of people asked me why I didn’t do a Best Of 2011 list, and the answer is simple: I am a futurist! I don’t care about the past because I’m a lot more interested in what’s coming next. If you have to know what the best progressive djentstep cassette-only release of the year was, I’m sure there is a 200+ comment post that will give you more than enough detail on it. But if you want to know what the Next Big Thing will be, keep reading for my 2012 STATE OF THE SCENE ADDRESS!

In a nutshell, there is nothing more trendy this year than being tr00. MySpace is long dead, and while some of the bands that flourished on the site are still around, they’re dying along with the scene that surrounds them. Neon merch, generic deathcore and crabcore are out; ‘real hardcore,’ old-school death metal, and djent are in. Yesterday’s scene kid is today’s hipster/metal nerd, and in what should be welcome news to MS readers, it’s cool to be an elitist snob!

That said, scene isn’t quite dead. There are still plenty of kids in skinny jeans who love Asking Alexandria, Black Veil Brides are still moving units, and you can still spot the odd pair of ice cream DC high tops here and there. Expect 2012 to be an awkward transition year where new meets old, sort of like 1992 when Nirvana, Ugly Kid Joe and Kriss Kross all charted.

After the break: a scientific model of the scene, and what to expect from music, fashion, and media in 2011!

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I don’t usually take requests, but when I do they’re from bands on independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS — in this case, it’s death metal standouts CARNIFEX! Vocalist Scott hit me up on Twitter and asked if I would review their latest album, and I was more than happy to oblige since I’m a big fan of theirs!

Not sure how many of you were around back in the day, but these guys have actually been going strong since 2005, and they have a new album called Until I Feel Nothing. I’ll get into more detail about the record itself, but before I do that I have to I have to touch on what IMO makes this band something truly special: their innovative marketing and merch!

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In b4 butthurt BM nerds realize a hot azn girl made this and they can’t decide whether to rage or white knight

U mirin? Follow her Tumblr!

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. celebrates diversity every day at Stuff You Will Hate.

Everybody knows that whatever’s currently popular in the hardcore scene basically = copying whatever metal bands were doing 10-15 years earlier. 80s bands like DRI and Leeway were basically just little kids screaming over the “choppa-choppa” riffs of dinosaur thrash like Megadeth or Exodus (leading to an epidemic of chopaholism that ultimately killed the crossover scene), and 90s hardcore was essentially one big tribute to Slayer and Pantera, only with lyrics about animal rights instead of wizards and pot.

By the 00s, hardcore moved on to stealing from At The Gates, and the 2K10s are all about blast beats and gutturals, with even seemingly hardcore-proof genres like djent being raided for riffs by bros in skinny jeans with stretched ears. At first glance, you might think that means moshbros have stolen everything there is to steal from metal. I mean, if they’re jocking relatively extreme, tr00 bands like Nile and Dying Fetus, what’s left?? What’s the next frontier for hardcore bands who are out of ideas???

The answer is deceptively simple: it’s been 15 years since Cannibal Corpse put out Vile and Korn released Life Is Peachy. Put the two together, add in a pinch of neck tattoos and a healthy dose of lyrics that look sweet on the back of a shirt in Impact font and you have what is officially The Next Big Thing: NU-DETHCORE.

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For those who don’t know, the guy who co-founded SOUTHERN LORD was an sxe moshbro back in the ’80s and early ’90s, and had a terrible/lulzy hardcore band called BROTHERHOOD. Then after youth crew was cool, he was in ENGINE KID, a really shitty alternative rock band. After that he was in a drone band that was kind of sweet called TEETH OF LIONS RULE THE DIVINE (lol @ hipster name), then he was in another drone band called SUNN O)), but they weren’t as good as his other drone band. Curious??? READ MOAR!

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Hop on Tumblr for a few minutes, and at least 50% of what you’ll see will be one of the following: cats, and girls in slutty poses wearing metal shirts. While I totally support girls taking slutty pics of themselves and putting them on the internet, I have to make sure we all understand what’s really happening. Brahs, don’t be fooled: GIRLS DON’T ACTUALLY LIKE METAL!

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When it comes to deathcore, there’s a pretty clear hierarchy: You’ve got the first-string bands like Suiside Silence, Whitechapel, BMTH and Winds of Plague at the top of the heap, the junior varsity, like, say, Chelsea Grin rounding out the middle, and then the 5 zillion generic also-rans/no-hopers at the bottom of the pile. Carnifex is an interesting one though, because I’m not quite sure where to put them, the bottom of the first string or the top of the JV team. I kind of feel like they are just floating out there, with no real clear sense of where they belong.

With that said, they have a new album on leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS coming out next month and just released a lyric video for the first single (above). Although it pretty much sounds exactly like their old stuff, I think that kind answers most of my questions about where they fit into the deathcore hierarchy. Is this style still a thing?? Seems very deathcore 2.0 to me — I expected them to copy Meshuggah and Korn like all the first-tier started doing last year. Also, the video itself is pretty facepalm inducing… if you feel like making your own DEATHCORE LYRIC VIDEO, apparently all you need is a torrent of After Effects and some freeware grunge fonts!

Anyway, if you are on the West coast, check them out on tour next month with Suffokate and the highly underrated FIRST FUCKING BLOOD! Hit them up on Facebook for a complete list of dates.

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. is a first-stringer every day on Stuff You Will Hate.

When it comes to guttural slamming brutality, crushing slamz, and unrelenting pitt riffment, nobody does it better than San Diego’s CEPHALOTRIPSY. Their album still stands as far and away the best slam metal recording ever released, but they’ve been pretty quiet since then, only releasing two new demo songs. I kind of thought they were a one-and-done band, but I’m happy to say I was wrong. That’s right culeros, CEPHALOTRIPSY IS BACK!!!

New studio song — every bit as brutal and unforgiving as I could have hoped for, but just a tiny bit more progressive than their old stuff (in a non-pussy way, though). Oh and DAT SNARE!!

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