After more than five years of doing MetalSucks, I am no longer shocked that people have terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE fucking ideas which they think are great and decide to actually carry-out and see to fruition.

I am surprised that they then e-mail us about these ideas as though WE’LL think they’re also swell. It’s like they’ve never actually read MetalSucks and have no idea what our tastes are.

So when we got an e-mail from “FM Haivala” announcing that “I spit that Gutt-Shit, as well as some hard raps” and that “you might like it,” I immediately began to scratch my head. And when he signed that e-mail “love from the 405,” I knew we were in trouble. Why would this dude send us his music?!?

Oh, right. Because I’m a putz, and I was gonna listen anyway.

Fuck my life.

For your listening displeasure, here’s a song called “Gutt-Steppin’.” Again, it’s possible I’m being trolled here. At least, I HOPE I’m being trolled…

Here’s some more of this garbage, if you can stomach it:

Click to read more…

(click to enlarge! an absolute must to fully experience this photo.)

Normally any unsolicited emails that come to my inbox with large attachments get instantly deleted (SO ANNOYING… 3MB 300dpi images are NOT NECESSARY FOR THE WEB, PEOPLE!)  but now and again something so dreadful comes along that it’s worth savoring and holding onto. In case you’ve not been privy to this column before, welcome to The Dreadful Demo Files.

Today’s photo comes from a band who shall remain nameless for the sake of their integrity. But everything here is just absolutely stellar… make sure you click the above thumbnail to see this photo in all of its terrible glory. Abysmal green screen / photoshop job with visible editing scars? Check. Stormy, apocalyptic sky with obviously drawn in birds? Check. Horribly rendered flames and animal bones along with every other metal cliche in the book? Check, check and check. Nerdy old dudes trying to look badass? Ginormous check!

Absolutely amazing. A++++ WDBWA.

-VN

We’ve received some pretty gnarly demo packages here at the Mansion including this work of craftsmanship, a hand-bound, tied, color vinyl-printed from Wrought of Obsidian, but the demo package in the above photo, posted on Season of Mist’s Facebook page, is gonna be hard to top.

The coffin-shaped press kit is the best attempt by Colorado Springs-based Alabaster Morgue to get the label’s attention, and get their attention [and ours] it most certainly did; unfortunately a caption posted with the above photo shows where Season of Mist’s staff’s collective heads are at: “let’s just say it’s the best LOOKING demo ever…”

Sorry, dudes. Maybe you should try stamping it with gold foil next time.

-VN

I know that many of our musician bloggers have discussed the importance of presentation for unsigned bands that want to get noticed – whether that’s the quality of the group’s demo, or the way they look, or whatever. You only get one chance to make a first impression and all that jazz, right?

So, let’s say, for example, that you’re in a band. And by “in a band,” I mean that you and a few of your buddies want to start a band, but you’re missing some key elements – like a complete line-up, for example. So you decide to put together a flyer soliciting other like-minded musicians to join your outfit, and you pass said flyers around at a show – which is good thinking, ’cause a gig with some bands you like is probably a pretty decent place to meet some other people who like the same kind of metal you do, and who harbor dreams of being professional musicians themselves some day.

Still, wouldn’t you greatly prefer that your flyer not give you the appearance of being a total tool, so that you don’t potentially alienate anyone in the crowd who might actually be talented?

Case in point: the below, which was being handed out at a show here in New York awhile back, and which our friend Stabitha Christie lost somewhere in the abyss of her purse for many weeks, until it recently turned up again. To our delight, it’s just as funny now as it was when we first saw it. Good times. Good times.

Click to enlarge…

-AR

Magnum Carnage, a Hawaiian death metal band who just moved to California, sent a killer press pack to the Mansion a few months ago that was anything but dreadful. The package came in a giant red bubble mailer and contained everything you see in the photo above: a press release and bio, a copy of their CD, a burned DVD, a cassette tape (!), a poster, a sticker… and a package of rice candy (?). I guess when you’re from Hawaii and you can’t really tour you’ve got to do whatever you can to stick out.

Unfortunately for Magnum Carnage while their press pack was pretty damn impressive their music really wasn’t. I sure did enjoy those rice candies, though… ate ‘em all up.

-VN

[A series of absolutely dreadful demos to grace the doorstep of the MS Mansion of late has inspired me to resurrect The Dreadful Demo Files, in which we take a look at some of the face-palm-inducingly bad packages we receive. For the sake of these poor bands' egos we've disguised their identities. I'll be highlighting 3 bands this week (view Part I here and Part II here)... the last of which is so absolutely righteous I'm not sure it can ever possibly be topped. -.Ed.]

“Dreadful” would be something of a misnomer for today’s entry, because this is without a doubt the most impressive demo package I’ve ever received. There’s no need to disguise Wrought of Obsidian‘s identity because I’d like them to get all the credit for the incredible package they put together! The above image is the outside front of the package; note the full-color vinyl print that’s hand-sewn (!) onto a sizable piece of velvety smooth tan suede. Either the gentlemen of Wrought of Obsidian are well-trained in the art of seaming or they’ve got some very loving girlfriends (or moms).

After the jump, let’s take a look at what’s inside this beast!

Click to read more…

[A series of absolutely dreadful demos to grace the doorstep of the MS Mansion of late has inspired me to resurrect The Dreadful Demo Files, in which we take a look at some of the face-palm-inducingly bad packages we receive. For the sake of these poor bands' egos we've disguised their identities. I'll be highlighting 3 bands this week (view Part I here)... the last of which is so absolutely righteous I'm not sure it can ever possibly be topped. -.Ed.]

This one had “suck” written all over it right from the generic logo at the top. But it didn’t end there. I’ve added in the little red numbers above to make it easier to refer to specific parts of this dreadful letter. OK, let’s go!

1. OK, that’s good… we’re off to a good start! First of two pieces of info in this whole letter that are actually useful.
2. This is by far my favorite part of this letter. “The band developed their sound and started making more brutal songs.” CLASSIC! What did they sound like before they started making more brutal songs? Why include this at all? Why not just skip to 2008? For that matter, why this specific timeline format? Why not just explain it all in a paragraph? The mind boggles.
3. Adam… you don’t say… THE infamous Adam??? No way!!! Good thing they got THIS guy into the fold.
4. They won a battle of the bands. Great.
5. Tan joined the band… phew! I was nervous for a minute there that Adam couldn’t hold it down on his own.
6. Why in the fucking fuck would I care?
7. The second useful piece of information. A new demo! OK, but… what does it sound like? Why do you think we’d like your band?
8. I care what the dudes’ names are… why?

That’s it for this edition. Wait until you see what I have in store for ya’ll on Friday… it is seriously going to blow your mind. I promise.

-VN

[A series of absolutely dreadful demos to grace the doorstep of the MS Mansion of late has inspired me to resurrect The Dreadful Demo Files, in which we take a look at some of the face-palm inducingly bad packages we receive. For the sake of these poor bands' egos we've disguised their identities. I'll be highlighting 3 bands this week... the last of which is so absolutely righteous I'm not sure it can ever possibly be topped. -.Ed.]

So many things wrong with this! Where to start?

1. This was the entirety of the letter! Just this and a burned CD.
2. Fantastic grasp of the English language, sentence structure, capitalization and punctuation. Yes, this was sent in by an American band. You took the time to assemble a package, burn a CD and print out a letter… but you couldn’t take 30 seconds to make it cohesive? Come on, dude.
3. Why would I care what unknown bands your drummer has played in?
4. I most certainly would LOVE to do an interview with you. Our readers are going to really enjoy reading an interview with a guy they’ve never heard of who’s in a band they’ve never heard of. That’ll bring in tons of traffic to our website and will surely keep everyone entertained.
5. Thanks for including your phone number! I’ll definitely call you, buddy.
6. Nice use of “eatmyfukk” in your email address. Way to appear professional!

That’s it for now. Stay tuned for the next edition of the Dreadful Demo Files, coming at you this Wednesday.

-VN

We get some truly awful stuff sent in by “local” bands here at the MetalSucks Mansion (and some good stuff, too). But lordy lord, this photo takes the cake (see also: Axl’s post yesterday). There are so many things wrong with this… I don’t even know where to begin. For the sake of the poor band’s integrity, I’ve left off their band name; but perhaps an enterprising young MetalSucksian will be able to figure it out.

Jeez… I mean… just wow.

-VN

I guess technically this isn’t a “dreadful demo” since this band is at least somewhat known… but the video alone alone is worthy of a “dreadful demo files” post. As one YouTube commenter put it, “OMG the low-budgetness burns.” Yes, yes it does. As do the cheesey ego-poses, fists to the sky, and camera-point-and-winks. The music actually isn’t that bad (until the cheese-ball chorus) — but the video is pretty much a lesson in what not to do. Aspiring bands, take note.

-VN

We music industry folk tend to get lots of unsolicited mail from aspiring musicians and bands. We’re nice gents and believe in good kharma, so we’ll generally listen to anything once. The problem is this: 95% of it is pure garbage. Another 4% is passable/decent but nothing spectacular, and the remaining 1% is very good but there’s usually some other story behind the scenes (i.e. the band ends up being a bunch of fat, ProTools-abusing 55 year olds). But this matters not: it’s the aforementioned 95% garbage that we’re concerned with most for our column The Dreadful Demo Files. For this week’s installment, check out this hilarious email we received from the Songwriters Camp of Bavaria (yes, really), after the jump.

Click to read more…

We music industry folk tend to get lots of unsolicited mail from aspiring musicians and bands. I’m a nice guy and believe in good kharma, so I’ll generally give anything that comes to me one listen on principal. The problem is this: 95% of it is pure garbage. Another 4% is passable/decent but nothing spectacular, and the remaining 1% is very good but rarely ends up being worth paying attention to for some other reason (i.e. the band ends up being a bunch of fat 55 year olds, they abused ProTools to make a good sounding demo, etc). It’s the saddening 95% garbage that we’re concerned with here in my new column The Dreadful Demo Files. Take for instance the poor chap pictured above. Let’s just say this picture alone provided for a good laugh around the office.

More info on this fine gentleman after the jump…

Click to read more…