MetalSucks

And on that note, I’m done for the day. See ya tomorrow.

-AR

They call that beard a “cum catcher.”

So Varg Vikernes was released from prison earlier in ‘09 after serving a sixteen year stint for murdering his band mate, Øystein Aarseth, AKA “Euronymous.” If episodes of Oz, and just about every other television show, movie, or book ever made about life in prison, are to be believed, than we can safely assume that during that time he had sex with men. Whether he was a top or a bottom is not relevant, despite what some redneck asswipes would have you believe; engaging in sexual activities with a member of your own sex is, by its very definition, homosexual.

I think Varg really enjoyed doin’ the deed with dudes – I mean, look how happy he is in that picture! – but I guess his religious guilt (because, let’s be real, he can protest Christianity all he wants, but all anti-homosexual sentiment is based in organized religion) must be getting the best of him, because he’s just released the following statement about the new Burzum album, subtlely titled Den Hvite Guden, which means – wait for it – The White God:

Click to read more…

I know that opinions about Slash are decidedly mixed. Some people never liked Guns N’ Roses, or hate Slash’s Snakepit, or hate Velvet Revolver, or whatever – I bet that of the five people who remember what the fuck Slash’s Blues Ball was, at least two or three of them hate that, too.

But nothing – and I mean absolutely, unarguably NOTHING – that Slash has ever done has been as bad as this re-recording of “Paradise City” with Cypress Hill and Fergie Methfacerson:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, DID ANYONE REALLY THINK IT WAS OKAY TO BEGIN ANY VERSION OF “PARADISE CITY” WITH A RAPPER SAYING “YES YES Y’ALL?” IS THIS ONE OF THE BEST HARD ROCK ANTHEMS EVER, OR A FUCKING LIMP BIZKIT SONG?!?! HOW THE FUCK DID FERGIE END UP NOT BEING THE WORST PART OF THIS?!?!

If I was Duff McKagan – who actually wrote the main riff for “Paradise City” – I would kick Slash in the nuts. And then, when he was doing on the ground clutching his bruised testicles, I’d kick him again, and demand that this recording can only be released if done so under the title “Paradise Shitty.”

This re-recording, which makes me wish I was a fan of Disturbed or Drowning Pool so that I’d feel a little more dignified than I do for supporting Slash, comes from a two-song CD single that was released in Japan this week. After the jump is the other song from the single, “Sahara,” which features some Japanese vocalist I’ve never heard it. It’s also a terrible song, but at least it a) doesn’t rape any of my childhood memories and leave them weeping on the cold tile floor and b) has a guitar solo that sounds like every other Slash guitar solo, which is okay because I love Slash guitar solos.

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Here’s Zakk Wylde talking to Tartarean Desire a few years back… I’ve added some emphasis:

“What would be a good career move is to get Eminem to sing on a Black Label album. It would stir up some controversy with the Hell’s Angels of Iron if you had Eminem rapping on a Black Label album. I go first off I hate fucking rap music, so what the fuck would I want to have that mother fucker singing on my fucking album… Because he is popular?”

And here’s Zakk ranting about rap and rap metal back in 2006:

Of course, ideals are nothing in the face of a paycheck. And so here we are, it’s almost 2010, and Zakk Wylde has recorded a guest guitar solo on Public Enemy’s “Bring the Noise 20XX” for DJ Hero, a video game for people who think that Guitar Hero is too sophisticated.

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Everyone seems to be losing their shit because it looks like Aerosmith might break-up. I’ve read so many fucking puns on the album title Permanent Vacation this week that I am now 99.9% sure that most people writing about the band have never even heard of another fucking Aerosmith album (See what I did with my headline, fellas? They also have some song titles that could be appropriate for this particular occassion. Get it together, you lazy motherfuckers.). And besides, there’s a couple of things we need to consider:

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Of course that’s not what Regis actually says when he introduced the craptastic reunited band – the song is called “Rain” – but it’s what I thought he said the first time I watched this.

And “rape” would be an appropriate word for what Scott Stapp does to the song. Not that it was ever going to be any good – this is one of the most deplorable rock acts on the planet, after all – but holy shit, does he miss some of these notes. I’d feel bad for him, but he’s a worthless woman beating fuck, so really I just hope that he gets nut cancer. At least with no testicles he could hit those high ones like it was still 1998.

-AR

Thanks to Pete Arado for the tip.

Then he threatened to put himself in the hospital for bringing up Metallica.

-AR

Industry guru Bob Lefsetz, in one of his typically off-topic rants — in this case, a lengthy story about getting his ass checked for colon cancer (yes, really) — managed to sneak in this gem of insight about Tommy Lee:

And then they’re running late [at the doctor's office].  Which gives me enough time to read “Fortune” and find out that Tommy Lee is letting the public record his album.  Enough with the gimmicks Tommy, NO ONE WANTS YOUR ALBUM!  Yup, he records drums and vocals, you create the music and he owns it.  Huh?  Why does everybody keep paying attention to Mr. Lee.  He’s a DRUMMER!  He should be thankful that people still want to see him in Motley Crue.

I mean, right? Can we all please get a big, rousing “WHAT THE FUCK???” for Tommy Lee? Why do we even waste our breath talking about the guy? Let’s all collectively agree to stop buying into Tommy’s shenanigans and just ignore the damn guy.

But then again… the new American populace Methods of Mayhem is probably gonna give us tons of material here. Nevermind.

-VN

With Velvet Revolver on what is starting to look like a permanent hiatus, Slash has been off recording a Santana-style all-star solo album with lots and lots of famous collaborators. It’s actually kind of a brilliant idea, and you wonder why he didn’t do that instead of Slash’s Snakepit Mach 2, a fun band that was really never gonna pay off for him.

Now Slash has announced his first solo offering: a two-track Japanese (and thus “internet,” whether Saul Hudson likes it or not) single called Sahara, which will offer both that song, with some Japanese dude I’ve never heard of on vocals, and… a re-recording of “Paradise City” with vocals by Cypress Hill and Fergie.

Fergie.

Click to read more…

Four words before I start this little rant:

FUCK YOU CHUCK MOSLEY.

Now that that’s outta my system…

We’ve known for awhile that Mosley, a.k.a. “The former Faith No More singer no one cares about,” had re-recorded the FNM classic “We Care A Lot” for his new solo album, Hel-lo! Does Anyone Remember Me? I mean I know I’m Not Mike Patton but I Gotta Eat, Too! And while that immediately struck me as a terrible idea, the fact that FNM keyboardist Roddy Bottum was playing on the track gave me hope that it wouldn’t be terrible.

But, hey, guess what? It’s terrible.

Click to read more…

The reader known only as “Derrick” sent us a link to Dying 2 Meet You, a website that offers the “cheap gag gift” of selling customers a meeting with the dead celebrity of their choice (they even only have certain celebrities, so as to better sell the illusion that these are official meetings, I guess). Of course, there’s an entire package devoted to “Metal Legends,” including Chuck Schuldiner, Cliff Burton, and, naturally, Dimebag.

I get that this is a “gag gift” so I’m not too offended by the whole stupid idea – it’s not like you’re actually getting ripped off by, say, being so dumb you think you’re having a star named after a loved one – but taking five bucks and putting it towards a “meeting” with Layne Staley or Bon Scott or Randy Rhodes or whomever strikes me as… well… a complete and utter waste of five bucks. No, it’s not really a lot of money in the scheme of things, but it is money.

So purchasing one of these “gag gifts” is literally like wiping your ass with that Abe Lincoln. Somewhere, there’s a starving homeless person who would kill for a slice of pizza or two, but, no, that money would be better spent on a fake meeting with a dead person.

Swell.

-AR

In case you’ve somehow never seen it before, watch this old PSA from the 70s:

Now watch the new Within Temptation video. It’s probably best to put your computer on mute first, though, because – and I say this as someone who is a sucker for a good power ballad – the song is aural diarrhea.

Click to read more…

As I mentioned earlier, Kip and I went to see Porcupine Tree (and King’s X!) this past Thursday. Porcupine Tree was good, if not spectacular… they’re all great players, they write good songs, have an excellent sense of composition and are certainly quite accomplished; but at no point during the performance was I at all wowed.

Except when I realized that “Time Flies,” Movement IX from the first disc of the band’s new record The Incident, is a dead rip-off of Pink Floyd’s “Dogs” (from the Animals record, a personal favorite of mine). Now, Steven Wilson has certainly never been shy about his love of Floyd, and even if not for that it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who’s heard Porcupine Tree’s music before that the band bows down in the alter of Floyd. But YO, this is like, too similar for comfort. Check it out:

Porcupine Tree – “Time Flies”:

Pink Floyd – “Dogs”:

I’m not crazy, right? The staccato-strummed acoustic guitar, the keyboard swells leading into each chord change, similar vocal melodies, the verse that starts “and after a while…”. The only real difference is that the P-Tree riff is in 3/4 instead of Floyd’s 4/4. Sorry Steven, you rule at producing Opeth and you’re a talented musician, but for this you get a big, fat, epic FAIL.

-VN

Here’s a picture of Ryan Adams, who would irritate the living shit out of me even if he wasn’t married to the equally annoying Mandy Moore, wearing a Kreator shirt at a recent art show:

If Ryan Adams can tell me the name of one Kreator song, I’ll suck his cock and film it for the site. Go for it, Ryan. I’m waiting.

See more photos here. Formerly cool D-Generation singer turned hipster tool bag Jesse Malin was there, too.

-AR

[via SMN]

“… so we’ll celebrate by charging $154 for an ugly t-shirt made by teens in a sweat-shop in Taiwan, to be worn by privileged suburban white males who wear supposed ‘punk’ clothing as a badge of identity.” – Ed Hardy [via Metal Insider]

Punk is officially dead.

-VN

Luckily for Five Finger Death Punch, being total assholes who completely lack any musical talent isn’t hurting their record sales: their new album, War is the Answer, is apparently going to sell to somewhere between 35,000 – 40,000 copies in its first week of release… and that’s just here in the U.S. That probably sounds like a lot of units moved, and you’re right. It is a lot of fucking units moved. To put it in perspective with the sales of some awesome albums that came out this week…

Click to read more…

I found the following quote from a recent interview with Gene Simmons to be (inadvertently) hilarious:

“This is electric church, and no one on that stage — me or anyone else — wears the makeup and platform heels by some kind of birthright. This ain’t Europe; just ’cause your dad was king doesn’t make you the king. You’ve got to earn it. And when you defile KISS, you should be thrown out.”

Gene is referring to dudes like Ace Frehley, Peter Criss and Vinnie Vincent, of course. But I have to wonder what he thinks they did that was worse than this:

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I don’t know who you are, Stefanie Heinzmann, but give yourself a big ol’ pat on the back. You’ve managed to make Avril Lavigne look like Chuck Schulinder. I’d rather listen to Attack Attack! cover Katy Perry, fer Chrissakes.

I’m saying this sucks.

MS Maniac Charlie Famer sent this to us, and claims that it was a big hit in Switzerland last year. Assuming that’s true, I’d just like to take this moment to say suck it, Switzerland.

-AR

Just yesterday Five Finger Death Punch announced the disappearance of guitarist Zoltan Bathory under bizarre circumstances that suggested the whole thing might be little more than a publicity ploy. Well, it took a flashlight and an anatomy lesson in the difference between one’s elbow and one’s asshole, but the band has located the machine that turned a little kid into Tom Hanks. In this cleverly worded statement on their MySpace blog, FFDP sez:

Click to read more…

I started learning to play guitar when I was eleven. That was also the year I had my first guitar recital (which I realized even then wasn’t cool, but what was I gonna do, tell my parents to take the lessons I’d asked for and blow ‘em out their collective ass?). I probably sounded like I was playing with broken fingers, but everyone applauded when I was done because, well, I was eleven years old and it was my first time playing in front of people and that’s what you do when an eleven year old kid is showing some effort.

But why the fuck anyone would applaud for this is just way, way beyond me.

Actually, I think he’d sound better if someone broke his fingers. Certainly couldn’t hurt.

-AR

Thanks to twisted_freak for the tip.