Context

Emmure is a band that was formed in Connecticut in 2003. They were clearly influenced by a style of music known as “metalcore,” which was very popular in the Northeast during the early twenty-first century. Given its name due to the fact that it combined elements of heavy metal music and hardcore music, metalcore eventually evolved into another genre, deathcore, which differed from metalcore primarily in its utilization of simpler riffs and more diarrhea vocals.

Emmure are largely considered to be one of the pioneers of the deathcore genre by those who have never heard of The Acacia Strain.

Plot Overview

The Narrator, a voyeur, expresses a desire to see man’s penis sucked upon by someone else. The Narrator knows that it will be a pleasurable experience for all parties involved. The Narrator strongly values eye contact as well.

Click to read more…

Guys, I have some really, really surprising, and upsetting, news to share. Maybe you should sit down for this one, ’cause it might be kinda hard to hear. But it’s gonna be okay. We’ll get through this together. I promise. Alright?

Are you sitting down? Okay. Good. Here we go.

Courtney Love has not been a very good mother to her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain.

Okay. It’s okay. I know it’s a shock. You can go ahead and cry if you need to.

See, in 2009, Frances Bean filed a restraining order against Courtney — yes, a a restraining order against her own mother. And, what’s worse, that restraining order not only restricted Love from coming near Frances Bean, but also from coming near Frances Bean’s grandmother or aunt (and for those of you playing along at home, yes, those are the same women whose finances Courtney was oh-so-concerned about back in November, when she accused Dave Grohl of being a greedy asshole who was taking money away from Kurt Cobain’s family), and, oh yeah, also from coming near the family dog. And why did the dog need protection? Well, according to newly released court documents:

Click to read more…

-AR

Does anyone happen to know if Fred Durst believes in Underpants Gnomes or anything like that? I ask because I’m starting to notice an amusing little pattern: the vocalists for truly, irredeemably moronic bands often seem to hold ridiculous conspiracy theories in high regard.  ’Cause first we learned that Frankie Palmeri from Emmure believes in UFOs and Bohemian Grove and shit like that, and now Korn’s Jonathan Davis has apparently written a song about how President Obama is a member of the Illuminati, a.k.a. “the bad guys from that one really bad Tom Hanks movie.”

Click to read more…

OMG U GUISE, Fred Durst has promised that some “huge Limp Bizkit news” is going to be announced in December. (See above tweet for details.) I am, obvs, totes excited.

What do you think it could possibly be????????? Here are some thoughts I had:

Click to read more…

I have finally reached the point where I can’t even muster outrage or disappointment over Zakk Wylde’s career choices. Twenty years ago, I probably would have lept from an airplane without a ‘chute if the dude had asked me to. Ten years ago, if he had announced that he was doing a guest spot on, say, a new Dope record, I would have wept hot, burning tears of anger and betrayal. Now, it’s been announced that he’ll contribute a solo to the new EP by Black Veil Brides — a band whose music ranks somewhere in-between anal warts and sensitivity training with Phil Labonte on the list of “Things I Hope to Avoid” — and I can’t even muster a shrug. Like, I tried to shrug, and my shoulder muscles were all, “Dude, don’t even waste the energy.” And so here I sit, shrugless.

Click to read more…

When Some Kind of Monster came out, Jason Newsted suddenly surpassed Dave Mustaine to become #2 on the list of Most Popular Former Members of Metallica*, mostly because he made some pretty funny comments about how the whole Phil Towle/group therapy thing was bullshit — comments which, at the screening I attended, were met with rapturous applause. (The house was obviously packed with Metallica listeners.) Suddenly, everyone rather conviently forgot that Newsted was a willing participant in the Load albums, and he seemed like the cool dude who had jumped off a sinking ship before it was too late. And the fact that he was playing with Voivod didn’t hurt his case any, even if the fact that he was also playing with a certain aging Brit sorta did.

But then of course just a few years later Newsted was out of Voivod and in Rock Star Supernova, and his cred went down the drain just as fast as if he’d stuck around for St. Anger.

Click to read more…

Lars Ulrich has a history of saying really dumb shit to promote his latest really dumb endeavor, but his most recent brain fart may actually be his stinkiest one yet.

See, back in 2003, before there even was a MetalSucks (unless you believe the kid I met at New York Comic Con this weekend who very excitedly told me he’s been an avid reader since 2002), there was a rumor going around that Lars Ulrich was going to do some of the scoring for Kill Bill, Quentin Tarantino’s then-heavily-anticipated martial arts opus. Of course, that never actually came to pass, and now Ulrich has explained why in a guest column for The Daily Beast. The issue, it seems, started when he sat down to read the script (which is available here if you’re interested):

Click to read more…

Axl Rose arrived at the airport in Rosario, Argentina earlier this week, and a fan caught him on video screaming “Get the fuck away from me, you fucking idiot!” at some guy as he exited the car. The guy’s crime appears to be standing too close to Axl’s door as the vocalist attempts to exit the vehicle, which is, in fact, an offense punishable by death in some countries.

I have no idea who the guy is; Blabbermouth says it’s a “fellow passenger” in Rose’s car, which seems right, ’cause there’s a barricade of cops protecting Rose from the fans, so he can’t just be some random dude. Assuming he is an employee of The Gingered One’s, Rose’s rage seems wholly warranted, because, well, that guy needs to learn his place. Good help is so hard to find these days.

-AR

I don’t know why anyone would trust anything Metallica has to say these days. Every time they have a new album coming out, they start talking smack on their last album, which is doubly offensive. “St. Anger is gonna blow Load out of the water!” “Okay we know St. Anger sucked, but seriously, Death Magnetic is gonna be amazing!!!” All they’re really doing is just continuously spitting in the faces of fans who actually take them at their word.

But in a new interview with Rolling Stone, Lars Ulrich really does go one step too far: He says that Lulu, the band’s upcoming collaboration with Lou Reed, “makes… And Justice for All sound like the first Ramones album.”

Click to read more…

Because unlike Limp Bizkit, Korn keeps finding new and innovative ways to be completely unlistenable. A press release for the band’s nu-dubstep-metal album, The Path Of Banality, claims that “this is unlike any Korn record.  It’s even unlike any record released before.” And that’s not just hype. Korn have reinvented the art of being the worst band on the planet, and, thus, become relevant again. We can ignore Limp Bizkit, who are still using the same tricks they were over a decade ago, only with diminishing returns; but nearly twenty years into their career, Korn are as deplorable as they ever were, genuinely competing with younger acts like Skip the Foreplay for the honor of making music so awful it may actually inspire rioting by anyone with a first grade education and functioning ears.

Bravo, Korn. Bravo!

The Path of Tonedeafality comes out December 6 on Roadrunner. The band will follow it up with an entire dubstep tour, which, again, is a completely brilliant move on their part. You can get dates on some other website.

-AR

Marilyn Manson and Shia LaBeouf have released “Born Villain,” the LaBeouf-directed video for the title track from Manson’s new album, which also may or may not somehow relate to the documentary of the same title that LaBeouf made about the making of that album and L.A. street art. ‘Cause, y’know, nothing screams “L.A. street art” like Marilyn Manson in a recording studio. (The video is NSFW, of course, because Manson still thinks he can shock people into liking him, even though no one over the age of fetus would ever find this shocking. And, really, there’s nothing offensive in here, besides the terrible song.)

ANYWAY, the video. It is, of course, a work of pretentious douchechillery like no other. Manson often attempts to seem smart and profound by making obvious references to works of art that any ninth grader would be familiar with, and now he’s got LaBeouf doing the same thing — the Disturbia star tells MTV that ”The song has all these references to ‘Macbeth’ and all this Shakespeare and heavy theology, so we tried to make Manson’s ‘Un Chien Andalou’ macabre ‘Macbeth.’” Which is fucking irritating, for the following reasons:

Click to read more…

I had no fucking clue who Design the Skyline were before Sergeant D. started writing about them (here and here), and knowing what I knew, I should have known better than to hit “play” on their new video, “Break Free From Your Life.” But I’m a fucking idiot, so I did hit “play,” and I think I hate this even more than I do Skip the Foreplay. It’s so bad that the only logical reaction I could come up with was to lay my head down on my laptop’s keyboard while a MetalSucks Mansion Monkey slammed the monitor down on my head again and again and again, WCW-style. If you had told me twelve years ago that some day there would be bands that made Limp Bizkit seem like the most sophisticated songwriters ever, I probably would have just killed myself then and there.

Side note: There are members of this band who aren’t sixteen?

Side side note: NO MORE VERB THE NOUN BAND NAMES ALLOWED. SERIOUSLY. CUT IT OUT WITH THAT SHIT. THERE MUST BE ANY NUMBER OF OTHER AVAILABLE BAND NAMES. COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE ALREADY.

-AR

[via Revolver]

I suspect that Skip the Foreplay intended their name to have positive connotations, but, really, all it does it illustrate the fact that its members probably have no idea how to please a woman.

They certainly have no idea how to please anyone with eardrums and a brain. I’ve never encountered them before, but this morning, a reader (who I’m relatively certain has some association with the band, although I can’t tell for sure) sent us a barely-literate e-mail encouraging us to check out their video for “The City (We’re Taking Over),” and it’s the kind of thing which makes me perfectly okay with the idea of the world ending. It’s like somebody took the most generic core music available and mashed it up with the most generic electronica available and mashed that up with a crying baby on an airplane. It’s that level of irritating.

What’s worse is that it features guest appearances not only from some musicians I could give a shit about (members of Sucked by a Sucking Suck and Blind Witness), but also by former Despised Icon co-frontman Alexandre Erian, I guess because he thought I enjoyed and defended The Ills of Modern Man too much.

Today is gonna fucking choke on giant elephant cocks, I can tell.

-AR

There are two concepts that everyone in every genre or music today needs to get into their heads — and even more so if, say, you’re an unknown band that does not already have a significant following:

• Physical media is dead.
• It’s all about the music, stupid. Get your material out to the masses. If they like it, you will develop a fan base.

Pretty simple, right?

Now, keep this mind as you consider Moira’s Lake, the new album from Envinity, a band whose name means nothing in both the literal sense (“envinity” is not a real word) and figurative sense (you’ve never heard of this band before — this is the first thing that comes up when you Google their band moniker).

Here’s the first thing you will see if you go to the official web page for Moira’s Lake:

That’s right: for the low, low cost of fifty bucks — or twenty-seven bucks, if you pledge to get “at least one friend or family member to buy this” — you can get the album (“completely remixed and remastered,” although why anyone would give a shit about a remastered edition of a record they’ve never heard in the first place is completely beyond me), a running “creator’s commentary” (in case you’ve ever wanted to listen to people talk over music so you can’t actually hear that music), a two-hour making-of documentary, two twenty minute making-of featurettes (in case you didn’t feel that everything was sufficiently covered in the two-hour making-of documentary), the short story for Moira’s Lake (WTF?), the “never before released” lyrics to the album (nope, I have no clue when they would ever have been released previously), five desktop wallpapers (’cause those are worth money), and, oh yeah, A MOTHERFUCKING GAG REEL, because, as we all know, what most great records are missing is a gag reel.

Click to read more…

You guys have all seen Wet Hot American Summer, right? Well, remember this scene?

Okay, now read this.

Then close your eyes for a moment and imagine the scene above, only Sergeant D. is the popular girls (it won’t be hard), and Frankie Palmeri is the D&D dork (it won’t be hard).

Got that image in your mind’s eye?

Great. Now check this out:

Click to read more…

Earlier today, Noisecreep published an interview with Insane Clown Posse’s Violent J. (his mommy calls him “Joseph Bruce”) regarding this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos. And while perusing said interview, I came across the below quote… emphasis at the end is my own:

“It’s hard to be a Juggalo. It’s not cool. We are the most hated band in the world. But when you get together with other people all over America, who do the same shit you do, it’s wonderful. I was even reading what reporters said last year, reading stories that came out after The Gathering, where writer were saying that ‘I was so surprised by everyone’s warmth and happiness.’ That’s why there is no reason for cops or tough ass security guards; it’s not on that kind of show.“

And that particular assessment piqued my interest, because in case everyone has forgotten already, at last year’s Gathering, the Juggalos did this to Tila Tequila:

Click to read more…

1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

Click to read more…

You all know who Shia LaBeouf is, right? He’s the incredibly irritating actor who starred in such terrible films as Transformers, Wall Street 2: Money Never Grossed, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Michael Bay, Disturbia, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Realization that Harrison Ford is Getting Way Too Old for this Shit So You’d Better Give Us Your Money Now!, Eagle Eye, and, as of this week, Transformers 3: Dark of the Fuck Yourself. (Above, watch his best performance yet, as a cranky movie star who throws some coffee at a paparazzo, and then flees.)

Well, apparently Mr. LaBeouf and his representatives sat down over the weekend, and they came to two conclusions:

• Shia’s career has too much artistic credibility.
• There are still aging franchises Shia can help ruin.

And, thus, they came to this logical conclusion: Shia should direct a documentary about the making of the new Marilyn Manson album.

Click to read more…

I jock Behemoth frontman Adam “Nergal” Darski quite hard always (eg. here and here), but even I neglected to notice that his defamation case was headed back to court on appeal. Last year the case against Nergal was dismissed upon the finding that no crime took place when the adult, human person tore up a religious text in front of an audience of paying, consenting people in 2007. Tough call not really.

But yeah as implied, the case has been appealed up to the Gdansk regional court and today our brah Nergal was again compelled to explain that he shouldn’t be imprisoned for expressing his personal views to people who implicitly requested that he do so. For 90 minutes. On stage and into a microphone. And fuck regardless where the bible-dissing happened, a finding against Nergal is tantamount to religious persecution and I hereby call on world governments and humanitarian organizations to threaten an international boycott of Poland in the event that this horseshit costs Nergal even a minute in jail or a single zloty.

Think about it, Gdansk regional judicial system. You do not want to be the cause of a global halt to your entire nation’s trade of sausages, spring water, and jokes about dumb people. (Behemoth and other metal merchants are exempt from sanction, natch.) Check out Nergal’s finely articulated counterpunches on this crock:

Click to read more…