Thursday, November 5th, 2009 at 11:00am by Axl Rosenberg
Everyone seems to be losing their shit because it looks like Aerosmith might break-up. I’ve read so many fucking puns on the album title Permanent Vacation this week that I am now 99.9% sure that most people writing about the band have never even heard of another fucking Aerosmith album (See what I did with my headline, fellas? They also have some song titles that could be appropriate for this particular occassion. Get it together, you lazy motherfuckers.). And besides, there’s a couple of things we need to consider:
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009 at 5:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
Of course that’s not what Regis actually says when he introduced the craptastic reunited band – the song is called “Rain” – but it’s what I thought he said the first time I watched this.
And “rape” would be an appropriate word for what Scott Stapp does to the song. Not that it was ever going to be any good – this is one of the most deplorable rock acts on the planet, after all – but holy shit, does he miss some of these notes. I’d feel bad for him, but he’s a worthless woman beating fuck, so really I just hope that he gets nut cancer. At least with no testicles he could hit those high ones like it was still 1998.
Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 at 12:00pm by Vince Neilstein
Industry guru Bob Lefsetz, in one of his typically off-topic rants — in this case, a lengthy story about getting his ass checked for colon cancer (yes, really) — managed to sneak in this gem of insight about Tommy Lee:
And then they’re running late [at the doctor's office]. Which gives me enough time to read “Fortune” and find out that Tommy Lee is letting the public record his album. Enough with the gimmicks Tommy, NO ONE WANTS YOUR ALBUM! Yup, he records drums and vocals, you create the music and he owns it. Huh? Why does everybody keep paying attention to Mr. Lee. He’s a DRUMMER! He should be thankful that people still want to see him in Motley Crue.
I mean, right? Can we all please get a big, rousing “WHAT THE FUCK???” for Tommy Lee? Why do we even waste our breath talking about the guy? Let’s all collectively agree to stop buying into Tommy’s shenanigans and just ignore the damn guy.
But then again… the new American populace Methods of Mayhem is probably gonna give us tons of material here. Nevermind.
Monday, October 12th, 2009 at 2:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
With Velvet Revolver on what is starting to look like a permanent hiatus, Slash has been off recording a Santana-style all-star solo album with lots and lots of famous collaborators. It’s actually kind of a brilliant idea, and you wonder why he didn’t do that instead of Slash’s Snakepit Mach 2, a fun band that was really never gonna pay off for him.
Now Slash has announced his first solo offering: a two-track Japanese (and thus “internet,” whether Saul Hudson likes it or not) single called Sahara, which will offer both that song, with some Japanese dude I’ve never heard of on vocals, and… a re-recording of “Paradise City” with vocals by Cypress Hill and Fergie.
Thursday, October 8th, 2009 at 12:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
Four words before I start this little rant:
FUCK YOU CHUCK MOSLEY.
Now that that’s outta my system…
We’ve known for awhile that Mosley, a.k.a. “The former Faith No More singer no one cares about,” had re-recorded the FNM classic “We Care A Lot” for his new solo album, Hel-lo! Does Anyone Remember Me? I mean I know I’m Not Mike Patton but I Gotta Eat, Too! And while that immediately struck me as a terrible idea, the fact that FNM keyboardist Roddy Bottum was playing on the track gave me hope that it wouldn’t be terrible.
Monday, October 5th, 2009 at 4:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
The reader known only as “Derrick” sent us a link to Dying 2 Meet You, a website that offers the “cheap gag gift” of selling customers a meeting with the dead celebrity of their choice (they even only have certain celebrities, so as to better sell the illusion that these are official meetings, I guess). Of course, there’s an entire package devoted to “Metal Legends,” including Chuck Schuldiner, Cliff Burton, and, naturally, Dimebag.
I get that this is a “gag gift” so I’m not too offended by the whole stupid idea – it’s not like you’re actually getting ripped off by, say, being so dumb you think you’re having a star named after a loved one – but taking five bucks and putting it towards a “meeting” with Layne Staley or Bon Scott or Randy Rhodes or whomever strikes me as… well… a complete and utter waste of five bucks. No, it’s not really a lot of money in the scheme of things, but it is money.
So purchasing one of these “gag gifts” is literally like wiping your ass with that Abe Lincoln. Somewhere, there’s a starving homeless person who would kill for a slice of pizza or two, but, no, that money would be better spent on a fake meeting with a dead person.
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 at 9:00am by Axl Rosenberg
In case you’ve somehow never seen it before, watch this old PSA from the 70s:
Now watch the new Within Temptation video. It’s probably best to put your computer on mute first, though, because – and I say this as someone who is a sucker for a good power ballad – the song is aural diarrhea.
Monday, September 28th, 2009 at 2:06pm by Vince Neilstein
As I mentioned earlier, Kip and I went to see Porcupine Tree (and King’s X!) this past Thursday. Porcupine Tree was good, if not spectacular… they’re all great players, they write good songs, have an excellent sense of composition and are certainly quite accomplished; but at no point during the performance was I at all wowed.
Except when I realized that “Time Flies,” Movement IX from the first disc of the band’s new record The Incident, is a dead rip-off of Pink Floyd’s “Dogs” (from the Animals record, a personal favorite of mine). Now, Steven Wilson has certainly never been shy about his love of Floyd, and even if not for that it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who’s heard Porcupine Tree’s music before that the band bows down in the alter of Floyd. But YO, this is like, too similar for comfort. Check it out:
Porcupine Tree – “Time Flies”:
Pink Floyd – “Dogs”:
I’m not crazy, right? The staccato-strummed acoustic guitar, the keyboard swells leading into each chord change, similar vocal melodies, the verse that starts “and after a while…”. The only real difference is that the P-Tree riff is in 3/4 instead of Floyd’s 4/4. Sorry Steven, you rule at producing Opeth and you’re a talented musician, but for this you get a big, fat, epic FAIL.
Friday, September 25th, 2009 at 3:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
Here’s a picture of Ryan Adams, who would irritate the living shit out of me even if he wasn’t married to the equally annoying Mandy Moore, wearing a Kreator shirt at a recent art show:
If Ryan Adams can tell me the name of one Kreator song, I’ll suck his cock and film it for the site. Go for it, Ryan. I’m waiting.
See more photos here. Formerly cool D-Generation singer turned hipster tool bag Jesse Malin was there, too.
Friday, September 25th, 2009 at 2:01pm by Vince Neilstein
“… so we’ll celebrate by charging $154 for an ugly t-shirt made by teens in a sweat-shop in Taiwan, to be worn by privileged suburban white males who wear supposed ‘punk’ clothing as a badge of identity.” – Ed Hardy [via Metal Insider]
Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 2:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
Luckily for Five Finger Death Punch, being total assholes who completely lack any musical talent isn’t hurting their record sales: their new album, War is the Answer, is apparently going to sell to somewhere between 35,000 – 40,000 copies in its first week of release… and that’s just here in the U.S. That probably sounds like a lot of units moved, and you’re right. It is a lot of fucking units moved. To put it in perspective with the sales of some awesome albums that came out this week…
Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 12:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
I found the following quote from a recent interview with Gene Simmons to be (inadvertently) hilarious:
“This is electric church, and no one on that stage — me or anyone else — wears the makeup and platform heels by some kind of birthright. This ain’t Europe; just ’cause your dad was king doesn’t make you the king. You’ve got to earn it. And when you defile KISS, you should be thrown out.”
Gene is referring to dudes like Ace Frehley, Peter Criss and Vinnie Vincent, of course. But I have to wonder what he thinks they did that was worse than this:
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 at 11:30am by Axl Rosenberg
I don’t know who you are, Stefanie Heinzmann, but give yourself a big ol’ pat on the back. You’ve managed to make Avril Lavigne look like Chuck Schulinder. I’d rather listen to Attack Attack! cover Katy Perry, fer Chrissakes.
I’m saying this sucks.
MS Maniac Charlie Famer sent this to us, and claims that it was a big hit in Switzerland last year. Assuming that’s true, I’d just like to take this moment to say suck it, Switzerland.
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009 at 11:30am by Axl Rosenberg
Just yesterday Five Finger Death Punch announced the disappearance of guitarist Zoltan Bathory under bizarre circumstances that suggested the whole thing might be little more than a publicity ploy. Well, it took a flashlight and an anatomy lesson in the difference between one’s elbow and one’s asshole, but the band has located the machine that turned a little kid into Tom Hanks. In this cleverly worded statement on their MySpace blog, FFDP sez:
Tuesday, September 8th, 2009 at 10:00am by Axl Rosenberg
I started learning to play guitar when I was eleven. That was also the year I had my first guitar recital (which I realized even then wasn’t cool, but what was I gonna do, tell my parents to take the lessons I’d asked for and blow ‘em out their collective ass?). I probably sounded like I was playing with broken fingers, but everyone applauded when I was done because, well, I was eleven years old and it was my first time playing in front of people and that’s what you do when an eleven year old kid is showing some effort.
But why the fuck anyone would applaud for this is just way, way beyond me.
Actually, I think he’d sound better if someone broke his fingers. Certainly couldn’t hurt.
Wednesday, August 12th, 2009 at 1:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
Well, I don’t know that the original Faith No More vocalist is back on smack, but I can’t think of any other way to explain this statement from a recent Rolling Stone interview:
“I thought [firing guitarist Jim Martin] was as big if not bigger a mistake than getting rid of me — just because he had a lot of pull with the big part of their crowd at the time. And he was ‘the personality,’ y’know? There was something people could identify to. After Jim, they were going through a string of different guitar players, and I couldn’t name one of them. That Jagger/Richards, Plant/Page thing was gone.”
Alright, I love Jim Martin as much as the next guy, but come on, dude. Let’s look at some facts:
Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 at 11:00am by Axl Rosenberg
A tweet from The Syndicate alerted me to this story about the recent re-launch of Buddyhead.com, “the original snarky music website.” Seems that Buddyhead founder Travis Keller made some off-the-cuff comments about Manson’s fashion sense (or lack thereof). Manson, in turn, decided to take the high road but issuing an open challenge to bloggers everywhere:
Monday, July 27th, 2009 at 4:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
Sgt. D’s Stuff You Will Hate continues to live up to its name, now by profiling Indiana’s Dropping A Popped Locket. Not being from Indiana, I’ve never huffed or gotten drunk off of cough syrup because I’ve always had access to actual drugs and actual alcohol. So I don’t understand what the fuck the band name means. I do understand that this is simultaneously hilarious, pathetic, and hilariously pathetic.
The best part, of course, is that when the “show” was over, those two dudes doing the wheelbarrow went home together and did the wheelbarrow some more. Naked.
