“I used to be the singer for Iron Maiden!”

I’ll keep this brief, because it’s the very definition of “self-explanatory.” I mean, it might be one of those “I’m  [insert minority here] so I’m allowed to use the word ‘[insert slanderous term here]‘” things, but my gut tells me it’s really just one of those “I’m not very smart things.”

So. Paul Di’Anno, 2009:

“But you need to take drugs when you’re with Iron Maiden because they’re so fucking boring.”

And Paul Di’Anno, 2010:

“Anyone who slags off on Maiden, I’ll punch them out.”

In conclusion, I very much look forward to watching Paul Di’Anno punch himself out.

-AR

So Yahoo! has Ozzy Osbourne’s personal list of the Top Ten Metal Albums of 2010, and it may or may not surprise you to learn that it’s a really, really interesting mix of terrible and brain dead. (By the way, if you don’t like MetalSucks articles where I can really, really, really angry about something of less than no importance, then you should stop reading now.)

Okay so check out his list, and then I’ll tell you my thoughts. And before we begin, I should point out that it’s theoretically possible Ozzy didn’t actually choose these release, but, rather, than one of his handlers did it for him. But since it’s being labeled as “Ozzy’s list,” I am going to treat it as though it were written by Ozzy.

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Sean Yseult, bassist for the defunct White Zombie, has just released a memoir through well respected independent publisher Soft Skull Press. Yet my mild interest in this title hit a pretty severe low after reading some shoddy and downright untruthful marketing copy. I’ve bolded the offending passage below, which inflates her role in metal to comic proportions and completely discounts reality.

I’m in the Band charts White Zombie’s rise from the gritty music scene of New York’s Lower East Side in the eighties to arena headliners during the nineties alternative-explosion that followed in Nirvana’s wake, while sharing the unlikely story of a female musician who won the respect and adoration of male metal musicians and fans. From 1985 to 1996, Sean Yseult was the sole woman not only in White Zombie, but in the entire metal scene: bands, roadies, managers, you name it—with the exception of girlfriends and groupies, Yseult was in a world by herself.

Of course, the preposterous statement emphasized above is easily disproved within seconds, as any way you slice it it’s patently false. Not only were there female metal musicians before, during, and after Yseult’s tenure in White Zombie, but there were other female bassists in metal too, including Jo Bench (Bolt Thrower) and Lori Black (Melvins). I’m not even going to comment further on it; rather, I’ll let one of Yseult’s contemporaries reminder her that she wasn’t alone. Jucifer frontwoman Amber Valentine, take it away!

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The Grammy nominations have been announced, and, as per usual, they’ve got nuthin’ to do with nuthin’. This isn’t a shock; the Grammys have been a meaningless award, and will remain a meaningless award. But if you’re morbidly curious, as I am, as to who old white dudes think are the créme de la créme of our music of choice, the nominees, and some more snarky commentary from yours truly, are after the jump.

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The Daily Show had this great bit the other day about that NOH8 campaign commercial Vince posted earlier this week, and how certain politicians who have taken a certain stance on certain issues are almost certainly going to be looked back upon as dickwads. I’m not gonna embed it, but you can watch it here if you’re so inclined.

And I’m actually not trying to make a political point. I’m trying to make a point about history. The cliché about “Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it” is a cliché for a reason. There are no new stories. Just new versions of old stories.

So I’m sorry to harp on this Blue Felix nonsense, but it just occurred to me — I’ve seen this movie before. I know how it ends.

Anyone remember these bands?

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I hate TMZ, but I feel obligated to tell you that the celebrity gossip site has obtained security camera footage of Sebastian Bach getting violent with the staff of a bar in Canada yesterday, and subsequently being arrested. Go here to watch, although, like I said, it’s security cam footage, which means it’s both grainy and stationary, which means you can’t actually see very much. Oh, how I wish someone had captured the glorious incident on their cell phone! But this will have to suffice.

Considerably more entertaining is this report of why Bach got so rowdy in the first place:

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Here’s a quote from a recent Noisecreep piece on Biohazard’s Evan Seinfeld. I’ve added my own emphasis in bold:

“We are in the studio, finishing our 10th studio album, and we’re working Toby Wright, who has worked with Metallica, Slayer, Deftones, Godsmack, Korn,” Seinfeld told Noisecreep. “The music is the best we’ve ever written. I’m nervous, because it’s almost too good.”

Okay, so one question: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

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12 looped seconds of “Checkmate,” one of 70-something songs from the Chinese Democracy sessions that will probably never see the light of day.

A couple of weeks ago Eyal wrote a great installment of “Jumping Darkness Parade” in which he asserted that “the only thing you can trust is for a person to be who they are, not who they tell you they are.” Past behavior is always the best indicator of future behavior.

And the past behavior of Axl Rose tells us that if we ever get a follow-up to Chinese Democracy, it won’t be for a very, very long time. It was four years in-between the release of Appetite for Destruction and Use Your Illusion, nearly two of which were spent just recording the latter albums, and all signs point to Axl being the source of the long wait; then it was SEVENTEEN more years before the release of Democracy. Even if you consider that Axl and all the various incarnations of GN’R didn’t start working on that album until roughly 1995, and the that recording was allegedly (finally) completed circa 2006, that’s STILL eleven years. Based on this information, I have worked out a mathematical formula for how long it will take Axl to record each subsequent Guns N’ Roses album, which is as follows:

TIME IT TOOK TO RECORD THE LAST ALBUM + NINE ADDITIONAL YEARS = TIME IT WILL TAKE TO RECORD THE NEXT ALBUM

According to this precise formula, if Axl Rose’s Rock N’ Roll Circus enters the studio to make a follow-up to Chinese Democracy in 2011, then the album will be released in 2031. By that time, Axl will be almost 70 years old, Dj Ashba will be almost 60 years old, and Slash will theoretically be 66 but, let’s face it, will more likely be dead (or, at least, still searching for a suitable replacement to take Scott Weiland’s spot in Velvet Revolver). There probably won’t be a MetalSucks in 2031, there almost certainly won’t be a record industry, and there definitely won’t be a Best Buy for Axl to con into carrying a record he has no intention of properly promoting. And I can’t for the life of me figure out who would fund such an endeavor anyway.

And yet Dj Ashba has the audacity to “promise” fans that the next album “won’t take as long” to record and release:

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Man oh man, do I feel bad for the poor Roadrunner employee who was in charge of making this video interview with Tommy Lee. Forget inarticulate; this guy can’t even speak English. Take, for example, his answer to the question “How important are visual arts to you?”

“Um… God, they’re so important. They’re like… a car with gasoline. And I can be like… it’s like the other part of music that I think brings it all together. Like when you’re making videos for songs, it’s, it’s like a necessity. And it helps somebody who maybe doesn’t have a vision, or can’t hear what the song is maybe about. Kind of take ‘em down what you think it is.”

“Kind of take ‘em down what you think it is?” “KIND OF TAKE ‘EM DOWN WHAT YOU THINK IT IS?!?!” That fucking doesn’t mean anything!!! Why is Tommy Lee talking like an Injun Chief?!?

Once you’ve recovered from your aneurysm, you can watch the rest of the interview below. It includes a part where Tommy tells aspiring artists not to think too much, which is a skill that I’m sure comes very easily to him.

-AR

[via SMN]

I’ve accused All That Remains’ Phil Labonte of being autotune-dependent many times in the past, and I know it pisses off a lot of ATR fans. Here’s a good comment from a reader calling himself “matttao,” left after the most recent time I said that Mr. Labonte is actually not a very good singer:

This is auto tuned because that is the industry standard. These are not difficult notes. I have no doubt this dude can hit these notes in the studio… To say that Phil Labonte can’t hit these basic notes here is just slanderous and stupid. This is easy shit, folks.

matttao is right. That WAS slanderous of me, to accuse Phil of not being able to sing the parts without the aid of a computer. I realize the error of my ways now that I’ve seen All That Remains’ recent performance of their latest single, “Hold On,” on Fuse:

See! It’s note-perfect!

Oy.

And in case you still don’t believe me, compare and the contrast the above performance with the one on the actual record:

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Fuck my life.

I always thought that Lemmy would be one of those people who was cool forever. At least from a creative standpoint — it’s hard for me to endorse his love of Nazi paraphernalia. But I never thought that Motorhead would do embarrass themselves the way so many of their peers have.

I was wrong.

The band has a recorded a slowed-down version of their signature song, “Ace of Spades,” and while I have nothing against that concept in theory — in fact, the finished version sounds pretty alright, if not exactly terrific — the fact that it was recorded specifically for a beer commercial makes me wanna rip the mole right off of Lemmy’s face. Seriously, dude? You hard up to pay the rent this month or something?

And thus, Lemmy earns his spot on my “All My Heroes Have Failed Me” list. Good work, dude.

-AR

Thanks: Charlie Farmer

Boy, Paul Di’Anno sure is a forgiving guy. He thinks that Iron Maiden is “boring” and compared Steve Harris to Hitler, but earlier this year, he announced that he’ll be doing a set consisting entirely of songs from the first two Maiden albums at the Hard Rock Hell IV festival in the UK this December. Now he’s gearing up for a U.S. tour, and, hey, guess what? He’s going to play Maiden’s self-titled debut in its entirety on each and every date.

Looking at the liner notes of that album, it’s interesting to note that Di’Anno only got a songwriting credit on three of the record’s nine songs: “Remember Tomorrow,” “Running Free,” and “Sanctuary.” Guess who’s got a credit on every song save for one? Why, it’s Steve Hitler, of course!

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A couple months ago, I came across a concert listing online that the Dead Kennedys were playing a show in New York City. Fully aware of the band’s tumultuous and litigious history, as well as from my conversation with him earlier in the year, I knew that verbose, charismatic frontman Jello Biafra was not going to (be permitted to) participate. On that basis alone, I saw little reason beyond perverse curiosity to actually go see this any more than I’d want to see The New Cars. Now, according to esteemed Boston indie newspaper The Phoenix, bassist Klaus Flouride isn’t even participating. So it’s co-founder East Bay Ray, D.H. Peligro, and two guys nobody gives a crap about, banking on DK’s name recognition to con some kids and unawares into shelling out hard earned money for glorified karaoke.

Anyway, tour dates are below if you’re interested in being completely underwhelmed. I’ll stick with Jello’s current band, the Guantanamo School of Medicine, who happen to have some Western Canada shows coming up.

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And so is anyone who thinks this dipshit is really sober.

Mr. Weiland’s latest stunt is a recent radio interview in which he is clearly so fucked up that I’m amazed he was even able to hold a phone. (Maybe his assistant was holding it for him, or affixed one of those nifty headsets to Weiland’s noggin.) At one point, the DJ asks Weiland why he missed a particular show; here’s a transcript of the exchange that follows:

WEILAND: Um… [long pause]… Let’s see… I think that was the show where, um… there was a, um…

DJ: [encouraging, as if to a small child] You can do it.

WEILAND: …a foot, um… long… um… uhh… like, it’s like… normally, a stage is just, like, a flat stage…

DJ: [irritated] Riiiight.

WEILAND:…and this was a really high stage…

DJ: Okay…

WEILAND: …and I spun around, did a little James Brown move, and I slipped and fell into it about eight feet.

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If you don’t, do not hit “play” on the below videos. I’m being serious. I don’t wanna see any bitching in the comments section that you weren’t warned — this shit is fucking awful, and is only to be listened to by people like me, people who often let their morbid curiosity get the best of them and/or are gluttons for punishment. ‘Cause we obviously get sent a lot of really atrocious “music” here at MetalSucks, but this is some truly next-level shit. This dude/girl/band/whatever the fuck it is can easily be considered visionaries of drekiness; they’ve completely revolutionized the game of ear rape.

If you’re still on-board with this, there’s more after the jump. But if you’re still on-board with this, your mommy probably didn’t hug you enough when you were young. Seek help.

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In 1997 there was this girl that I was really into. I don’t even remember what her name was now, but I remember being very excited when I finally found myself at her place with just the two of us for company.

“Hey, wanna hear something awesome?” she asked me. The correct answer in that situation is obviously “Yes,” and so she walked over to her stereo and hit “play.” And this is what came out of the speakers:

The song ended and I figured out some excuse to leave and I left. Later I wondered if the girl really liked the song (she certainly seemed to) or if she played it knowing it was awful because she couldn’t think of a polite way to reject me, but it’s a moot point: I will never know how my relationship with that girl might have played out, all because she had to go and be the first person ever to introduce me to Limp Bizkit, and, more specifically, Limp Bizkit’s terrible covers.

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Remember when Sergeant D. found that totally awesome instructional video called “How to Dress Sexy Scene & Be Hot!”? In case the title didn’t give it away, it featured some chick who is clearly going to make some poor guy insanely unhappy one day instructing ladies on how to, well. Y’know.

Now Noa Avior at Metal Injection has discovered a delightful de facto companion video, entitled “How to Look Like a Hot Metal Chick.” (I love the modesty of the young women making these videos.) And, in all fairness, the girl in the video is definitely cute, especially if you’ve ever dreamed of fucking a piece of plastic. Personally, I would definitely tap that, so long as she promised not to speak under any circumstances.

She’s wearing a Suffocation shirt and she says it’s important that “you know and like the band” whose logo adorns your attire. Do we think she really digs death metal, or do we think she just realized that her value in the metal world is like a gajillion times higher than her value in the mainstream world, given that metal is a total sausage fest and dudes will kill one another for anything with a hole and a pulse? (Actually the pulse is just, like, a bonus.) I’m not saying attractive women can’t appreciate Suffocation; I’m just saying that this girl has all the personality of a Barbie doll, so I wouldn’t be shocked if she were totally full of it.

Also, did you know that there’s no room for girls in metal who don’t have blonde or black hair? And that eyebrows are incredibly important? And holy shit doesn’t this crap go against everything metal is supposed to represent?!?!

My personal favorite part, though, is when she says she’s gonna teach her fellow women how to dress for when they’re “going to a metal concert-thing.” I LOVE metal concert-things! Why, I’m going to a metal concert-thing tonight! Do you think I’ll be able to meet anyone as smokin’ as this chick? I’d really like to bring her home to meet my mother, ’cause Ma hasn’t threatened to disown me this week.

I think that Noa is even more pissed about this nonsense than I am. Head over to Metal Injection to read her thoughts on the matter.

-AR

During a recent interview, Lars Ulrich stated that Metallica “did not take advantage of everything that [Jason Newsted] had to give.” Which strikes me as Ulrich being too hard on himself. I mean, really, you’re telling me that Jason Newsted’s talents can be better utilized than they were in this song?

I mean, that’s a classic right there! The first time I heard it, I was all, “Master of Whatits?”

Still, I was curious what Newsted thought of Ulrich’s apparent admission of guilt. Here’s what Newsted told me*:

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So now TMZ has spoken to a rep for the hotel in Vegas where Vince Neil allegedly assaulted some woman (I guess her name is Jessica Radovicz) in an elevator ’cause she didn’t recognize him, and said hotel rep claims that security camera footage and eye-witness accounts demonstrates “that her allegations against Vince Neil are completely unfounded.” Which may be true. I completely buy that some money grubbing twit would accuse Vince Neil of hitting her so she could sue.

But it’s not hard to understand why the money grubbing twit in question would choose Neil as her target — ’cause the story seems completely plausible. It’s not like someone accused Paul Masvidal of setting a room full of adorable puppies on fire or something else that sounds completely out of the ordinary; someone accused a degenerate scumbag with a history of behaving as such of doing something very degenerate scumbaggy.

If Vince Neil doesn’t wanna get allegations like this tossed at him, he needs to stop doing things like, say, getting arrested for DUI and then laughing about it. Otherwise, this whole thing is like the equivalent of Hannibal Lecter going “See? I TOLD you I didn’t eat those people!”

-AR

Whether he’s being too winded to sing the lyrics to his songs, getting liposuction on VH1, killing and maiming people as part of a drunk driving accident in which he was the drunk driver, demonstrating that he leaned nothing from that incident by getting arrested for DUI more than two decades later, or showing no remorse for that DUI by joking about how much he loves drinking a few days after the arrest, there’s no denying this simple fact: Vince Neil is a classy dude. Classier than you, classier than me, classier than anyone most people will ever know. I half-expect him to start wearing a monocle and smoking with a cigarette holder, he’s so classy.

TMZ reports on Neil’s latest attempt to win the “Classiest Dude Ever” award:

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