MetalSucks

Hello, my Metalsucks children.  I write you on this day of rest from a flat in London as I recover from 3 days in Donington where I witnessed this year’s Download Festival.  I know a lot of you probably saw the live streaming on the festival site, so I won’t waste your valuable internet surfing time with bad Youtube clips (well, just a couple).

Why is Anton OyVey in the United Kingdom you ask?  Three words: FAITH NO MORE and three more words: AMERICAN EXPRESS POINTS.  Years ago, I had the chance to go to the holy land of Israel for free and turned it down.  But when my musical deity, Mike Patton, got back together with (most) of Faith No More, I couldn’t miss it.  Unfortunately after I had booked my flight they announced a pre-Download play at Brixton Academy, which everyone here tells me was one of the greatest concert experiences of their life. But I did get to see their first festival show in over a decade along with some other amazing (and not-so-amazing) bands.

So, on to my latest metal gospel.  If you don’t know about Download, it is the biggest UK rock and metal festival that started in 2003 and takes place at the same legendary location as the “Monsters Of Rock” Festival (back before most of you ended up being the lord’s little mistakes).  This year’s attendance was said to be over 75,000 people and had a very diverse lineup of metal, rock, classic rock and even some electronic. Three days, four stages and 120 bands, so I obviously was not able to see them all.  Here are two sentence reviews of each band I had the chance to witness (or that people were buzzing about):

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1. Torche – Meanderthal (Hydra Head)
2. Septic Flesh – Communion (Candlelight)
3. Raconteurs – Consolers Of The Lonely (Warner Bros)
4. Foxy Shazam – Introducing (New Weatherman/Ferret)
5. 36 Crazyfists – The Tide and its Takers (Ferret Music)
6. Secret & Whisper – Great White Whale (Tooth & Nail)
7. Eluveitie – Slania (Nuclear Blast)
8. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Dig Lazarus Dig (Mute)
9. Opeth – Watershed (Roadrunner)
10. The Giraffes – Prime Motivator (Crustacean)

AFTER THE JUMP: Anton OyVey’s Top Christian Rock Bands of All Time

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Have you heard the good news? The MetalSucks Mansion’s resident rabbi and advice columnist Anton OyVey has returned from his trip to the old country, where he was visiting the shtetl! That means he can now once again offer metalheads everywhere sage advice to all their queries. Got a question about metal? Religion? Politics? Your love life? That weird looking wart growing on the tip of your penis (actually, that might still fall under the “love life” category)? Shoot Anton an e-mail at antonoyvey [at] metalsucks.net, or just leave your question in the comments section below! And remember: THE RABBI ANTON OYVEY KNOWS ALL!!!

-The Dudes at MetalSucks

MUSIC: Tastes Great
LYRICS: Less Filling

(3 out of 5 shofars)

-AO

Hey! Now Anton OyVey has a Facebook page! Check it out and then read below for another edition of “Ask Anton Oyvey,” in which the MetalSucks rebbi answers all your toughest questions…

“Shabbat Shalom, Rebbe,

“As a teenager, I would come home from yeshiva and immediately throw on some Iron Maiden, Rhapsody, In Flames, or other metal deities, and crank the volume up to eser. When abba, the alter cocker, came home, he would rant and rave, ‘Gevalt, why must my son have such loud noise all the time??’

“The Torah says I should honor my father, but I don’t want to disrespect Bruce Dickinson. What to do, what to do?

“Your Hasidicore Pal,

“Metal Mendy”

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And now it’s time for another edition of “Ask Anton Oyvey,” in which the MetalSucks rebbi answers all your toughest questions…

“Dear Wisdomful Great One,

“So i’m only 16. Where i live u get ur license at 18. I got two bitches after me – one is a complete babe, the other has a car and can drive me the fuck around. Do I…
a) Pick the babe
b) Pick the driver
c) Pick both.

“My heart tells me the babe, my brain tells me the driver, and my dick says both.

May your wisdom guide us all
DV”

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Hi there my children, it’s your favorite metalhead rabbi, Anton OyVey. Thanks for submitting all your questions to me over here at the Metalsucks Mansion. Axl and Vince took hours scouring through the thousands upon thousands of desperate pleas for help and asked me to answer these lucky few below. Enjoy my pearls (or is it really perils) of wisdom, and remember… don’t mix your milk and your meat!

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“If Roadrunner and Revolver can have their own advice columns, why not MetalSucks?”

This is the question Axl posed to Vince one recent, typically bong smoke-filled evening at the MetalSucks Mansion, and thus the search for a new MS columnist began.

Luckily for all you, Axl and Vince managed to find the perfect person, a sage rebbi known to the world as Anton OyVey (see photo, right). Starting in the next week or so, the right honorable OyVey will be answering any questions that might be bouncing around in that noggin of yours: Should I break up with my girlfriend? What do I do if I hate my parents? Are Axl and Vince real people? Metallica or Slayer? Chicken or fish? If you have a query, the all-too-wise Anton OyVey will point you in the right direction.

So send your questions to the latest member of the MetalSucks Militia at antonoyvey [at] metalsucks.net, and check back here for the answers (or you can, y’know, just leave a question in the comments section below). Anton OyVey’s advice is guaranteed to fix your entire life!*

-The Ever-Growing Team at MetalSucks

*Advice may not actually fix your entire life.