MetalSucks

Like Tim Lambesis’ Ahnold-inspired side project Austrian Death Machine, MS Paint drawings provide for maximum lulz. So we’re combining the two for a fun little contest; do your best drawing of anything Arnold-related using only MS Paint or the paintbrush tool in Photoshop and you’ll win an Austrian Death Machine prize package featuring the band’s new album Double Brutal (out tomorrow!) as well as both prior albums (Total Brutal and A Very Brutal Christmas).

To enter, simply post a link to your work of art in a comment below, and be sure to include an actual email address in the “Email” field. You’ve got until October 12 at 11:59 PM EDT to enter, after which we’ll sort through the entries, pick our favorite and notify the winner by email. Remember, this is MetalSucks, so make that shit funny… the less your entry looks like a Rembrandt the better chance it has to win. Let’s see those MS Paint skills.

Last week we offered up a killer Metal Blade combo pack featuring the new releases from Goatwhore, Behemoth and Valkyrja. The winning caption to the photo at right is….

Manfred Nuggets:
“Dude, after this wedding, I wanna show the bride my Whitesnake.”
“Dude! That’ll totally Slay ‘er!”

Onto bigger and better things: this week we’re giving away 2 copies of Revocation’s face-rippingly awesome Relapse Records debut Existence is Futile (stream the whole thing here for a limited time). Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo. And, if ya got ‘em, send in your own funny photos to vince [at] metalsucks [dot] net so I can be lazy in the coming weeks.

The entries for last week’s funny photo caption contest — for which the prizes were a copy of Every Time I Die’s new CD New Junk Aesthetic and a matching t-shirt — were spectacularly unfunny, for the most part. Here are a couple of the best entries. Despite the horribly un-PC nature of one of them… damn, that shit is gold!

\m/Eluveitie\m/ [for the second week in a row! congrats, dude]: “The boys’ pictures were spoiled as a sudden blackout rendered their dates – Lafonda, Laqueefa, Tonisha, and Lil Diamonique – invisible to the prom photographer’s lens.”

ohshitson: “the evolution of the metalsucks monkeys.”

This week we’ve got one killer package of three CDs from Metal Blade Records: Goatwhore’s Carving out the Eyes of God (MS review here), Behemoth’s Evangelion (endless MS praise bestowed here) and Valkyrja’s The Invocation of Demise (no MS review, but you can listen to the band here). Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, and they shall all be yours.

In celebration of their new album Retribution, Shadows Fall have teamed up with like 10,082 sponsors to offer fans the ultimate prize pack, including a copy of the new record, signature gear, gift certificates, magazine subscriptions, and a whole lot more swag from all of the participating sponsors. A guitar from Ibanez! Drum gear from Tama and Meinl! A microphone from Samson, a recorder from Zoom, and MORE! It’s without a doubt one of the biggiest, craziest promotions of which we’ve ever been a part! It’s in-saaaaane!*

Enter now for your chance to win before the contest ends on September 25th.

*Crazy Eddie not included.

Congrats to the winners of last week’s funny photo caption contest who will each receive a copy of Protest the Hero’s new Live DVD/CD Gallop Meets the Earth and a PTH t-shirt. The winners are:

• Hammer_Smashed_Hurtt: “Reeses cups $1.00. Bottled water $1.00. Inbreeding………………….Priceless.”
• I’m not racist, but I hate Oceano: “Every Juggalo knows Reese’s Cup is code for anal sex and bottled water is code for a blowjob. Why anal sex and a blow job cost the same amount of money we’ll never know.”
• \m/Eluveitie\m/ [in response to the above]: “Because for most Juggalos, you can’t tell one hole from the other.”

This week we’re giving away 2 prize packages, each containing Every Time I Die’s new record New Junk Aesthetic (out next Tuesday!) and a really sweet matching t-shirt. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo (from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com).

Congrats to longtime MS reader “groverXIII” for winning last week’s funny photo caption contest. GroverXIII wins a signed copy of Bigelf’s Cheat the Gallows and a t-shirt from their recent stint on the Progressive Nation tour. Grover actually submitted two entries that deserved the win, so I’ll just go ahead and post both:

“Jeff was worried that they wouldn’t let him bring his girlfriend to the Gathering because she was black.”

“Sparky realized that, even though he occasionally ate his own poop, he was still smarter than the people that surrounded him.”

Nicely done, Grover. “(required)” also gets a nod for this funny caption: “Epic Failgaiting,” which definitely made me chuckle.

This week we’re giving away three prize packages, each with a copy of Protest the Hero’s brand new live DVD/CD Gallop Meets the Earth, out September 15th, and a matching limited edition t-shirt (pictured here). That, my friends, is a great fucking haul for simply typing in a silly one-liner below. So get to it! This’ll be the last of our Gathering of the Juggalos ‘09 picture series, and next week we’ll move on to bigger and better things.

I had a total stoner moment on Thursday; in my haste rushing out of the MS Mansion to attend a private, live performance of Living Colour’s entire new album Chair in the Doorway (Axl’s gonna write about this later today) I prepped our Funny Photo Caption Contest post ahead of time, leaving blank spaces for the winning entries which I intended to fill in later… only I forgot to choose winners before the post automatically ran at 5pm. Oops! What’s more, only like two of you actually noticed / cared enough to comment about this omission, instead entering a new caption and opting in favor “free stuff!! free stuff!! free stuff!!” like that juggalo bitch who drugged her baby to death but all she could do was bitch about a missing ICP poster. Yeah, I called you all juggalo bitches. Deal with it.

So, here are last week’s winners, each of whom receive a copy of Burnt by the Sun’s Heart of Darkness:

Uglymicrowave “shreks upset because he didn’t get to go to the gathering”

Anselmowitz: “Faygo troll guards entrance to Area 51.”

This week I’ll try and do better. In the meantime, enter this week’s contest: the winner gets a signed CD and a tour t-shirt from prog masters Bigelf. Get on it!

Congrats to __ and ___ for winning last week’s funny photo caption contest. Both winners get a copy of Heart of Darkness, the ass-rippingly good new album by Burnt by the Sun, for coming up with the following captions to the photo at right:

Let’s continue our Gathering of the Juggalos 2009 photo series with this week’s contest! This week we’re giving one lucky winner a signed copy of progressive rock masters Bigelf’s Cheat the Gallows, as well as a tour t-shirt (choice of sizes M-XL). Bigelf are currently finishing up opening for Dream Theater on the Progressive Nation Tour in the U.S., and they’ll be on the European Prog Nation tour (w/ Opeth on the bill!) starting at the end of September. Just come up with a snicker-inducing caption to the below photo (from Brooklyn Ski Club), and you win.

Last year’s contest in which we gave away a signed Mudvayne guitar was one of our most popular ever, so we’ve teamed up with Mudvayne and Warwick to offer MetalSucks readers a Warwick RockBass Vampyre bass, as well as the opportunity to have your questions about bass playing answered by Mudvayne bassist Ryan Martinie.

• 1st place winner: wins the Warwick bass, gets to ask Ryan Martinie their questions in a telephone interview, and wins a signed poster
• 2nd place winner: gets to ask Ryan their questions in an email interview and wins a signed poster
• 3rd place winner: wins a signed poster

Here’s how it’s going to work: Post a comment below, using a valid email address (winners will be contacted by email) in which you ask 5-10 questions about bass playing for Ryan Martinie to answer. Ryan will personally select three winners. You will have until 11:59pm EDT on Wednesday, September 9th to submit your questions, and winners be notified personally in the following days. So make your questions good! U.S. residents only, please. By entering, you certify that you have read the official contest rules here.

Well, it’s not like we didn’t see this coming.

Ziltoid, who might be MetalSucks’ #1 hater, won the contest to take over the site for a day by an overwhelming landslide, claiming more than half of all the votes.

He’ll be running the show this Friday, August 28.

Thanks to all those who participated. And best of luck to Zilty…

-Axl, Vince, and Everyone at MetalSucks

For last week’s contest we offered up two prize packages, each consisting of the new CDs from Man Must Die and Howl. The two winning captions to the photo at right:

deathray76: “xNAMBLAcorex”

bearbomb: ““Note to self: Taking picture of From First To Last t-shirt in the mirror will NOT make it read From Last To First. I am still a loser.”

This week we’re offering up two copies of the asshole-ripping new effort from Burnt by the Sun, Heart of Darkness — recipient of a 4-out-of-5 horns review by our own Sammy O’Hagar — courtesy of Relapse Records. Since the Asian emo kid pics seem to have run their course, just come up with a lulz-worthy caption to the below photo, and it’s yours. Thanks to Juggalo Bob for the photo suggestion — simply typing in “gathering of the juggalos 2009″ on Google Images will provide us with an endless stream of funny photo caption contest candidates!

Alright, kiddies. Sorry for the delay – there were so many good entries it took us a couple of extra days to narrow the field. After the jump, we’ve selected ten finalists for our best contest ever: take over MetalSucks for a day. Now it’s time for you guys to vote and decide who should win. Whomever gets the most votes gets to run MetalSucks for the entire day on Friday, August 28. In case you’ve forgotten the rules, you can read them here. On little change: this poll will now remain open until midnight EST on Monday, August 24.

Have at it! Read the finalists’ entries after the jump.

-Axl & Vince

Click to read more…

Let’s cut to the chase: the winner to last week’s funny photo caption contest, hands down, is this golden comment submitted by “(required)”:

As bad as he is at stealing band names, Dino proves to be even worse at stealing second base. This can be at least partially blamed on the distracting reminder of his favorite meal, strategically placed on the pitcher’s shirt.

For his/her wit, “(required)” wins a big package of CDs from Earache Records. This week the good folks at Relapse Records are providing us with two prize packages, each containing the latest CDs by MetalSucks approved bands Man Must Die and Howl. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, and they’re yours. If you’ve been following the past several weeks of funny photo caption contests (last week excepted), this fine young chap should look familiar…

No, we are not fucking around. If you’ve ever thought you could do better than us, well, here’s your chance. Complete details after the jump.

Click to read more…

Funny Photo Caption Contest is back; sorry for the delay, peeps. Last time we offered up a sweet limited edition Wino vinyl, and the lucky winner is longtime MS reader groverXIII, who came up with the following caption to the photo at right:

A young member of the Air Force shows blatant disregard for the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.

This week we’re giving away a special package of CDs courtesy of Earache Records: The Haunted’s Warning Shots, Insect Warfare’s World Extermination, Oceano’s Depths, the Heavy Metal Killers compilation, Ignominious Incarceration’s Of Winter Born, Godflesh’s Songs of Love and Hate 2xCD + DVD, and Cauldron’s Chained to the Nite. Holy shit that’s a lot of awesome music. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, which came to us via avid MS Maniac Mark Moritz-Rabson, and they shall all be yours.

In case you haven’t already noticed we’re super-stoked that Cave In are back together and once again creating new music. Their new single “Retina Sees Rewind” is currently available on iTunes with the rest of the record Planets of Old coming on 12″ on July 28th. Oh hey guess what? The entire record is now streaming live at www.planetsofold.com, starting… this instant!

The folks at Hydra Head Records have been kind enough to hook us up with 3 limited edition vinyl copies of Planets of Old to give away to ya’ll. Each 12″ is on a color of vinyl called “All Natural Vanilla Pistachio Ice Creams,” a color that’s exclusively available either via this contest or at Vacation Vinyl, the metal record store Hydra Head co-founder Mark Thompson opened this past February.

All you have to do to win is post a comment below (with a valid email address) telling us which Cave In record is your favorite and why. We’ll be picking our three favorite entries (independent of our personal favorite Cave In record preferences) and notifying the winners next week.

-VN

Our brostafas at Metal Injection are running what has to be one of the most awesome contests ever: they’re giving one lucky unsigned band the opportunity to have David Brodsky of My Good Eye direct their video, absolutely free of cost. If you’re unfamiliar with Mr. Brodsky’s work, well – he’s one of the best and most prolific metal video directors out there right now, and has made clips for such bands as God Forbid, Pig Destroyer, Goatwhore, Suicide Silence, Hate Eternal, Soilent Green, Arsis, In This Moment, Unearth, Bleeding Through, and about a gajillion other bands I’m forgetting. His video for The Black Dahlia Murder’s “Everything Went Black” was voted the #1 video of 2008 by the viewers of Headbanger’s Ball. Obviously, having the guy do your band’s video would be an incredible (and did I mention free?) chance to have a great promotional tool.

Head over to Metal Injection for details on how to win this incredible contest. And tell ‘em MetalSucks sent ya.

-AR

Last week’s Funny Photo Caption Contest was a doozy ’cause we had a very special photo, and this week we’ve got another from the same top secret source! But first, the winners to last week’s contest, all of whom will receive a copy of The Agonist’s new CD Lullabies For the Dormant Mind and an autographed poster of the band:

balls: “The average Metalsucks “Top 21 Metal Albums of the 21st Century” panelist just moments before sending in his entry for the list.”

Mutt Weiler: “Fuck! I’m going to have to buy a better camera. Even at 10x digital zoom I can’t see my dick!”

raiseyerfists: “WARNING: Listening to music from Victory Records may cause harm to your health. Monthly exams are advised to make sure your testicles have not disintegrated.”

canea: “Searching for his dignity, a young emo comes up empty-handed.”

Fufkin: “I’m looking for the man in the mirror”

This week we’re giving away one very special vinyl copy of Wino’s Punctuated Equilibrium. It’s on 180-gram vinyl with a bonus 10″ featuring 4 vinyl-only exclusive tracks. Bam. Come up with a funny caption to the below photo and it’s yours.

For a change there were actually a ton of funny entries for last week’s funny photo caption contest, but alas, there can only be one winner. Congrats to Veteran MS Maniac “bucketochicken” for this snappy zinger as a caption to the photo at right:

As the band tears into their opening number, Ziltoid lowers his “horns” and cries to heaven in jaw-clenched anger, “THIS IS NOT METAL!”

Hooray for insider jokes! This week we’re giving away FIVE PRIZE PACKAGES! Each winner gets a copy of The Agonist’s new CD Lullabies For the Dormant Mind and an autographed poster of the band. We also have a very special photo for ya’ll to comment on; we’re not going to say where we got it or what it is, but… wow, just wow. Beyond words. Come up with the funniest caption (shouldn’t be too difficult) and the prize shall be yours.

Congrats to Mr. Lun, the winner of new Darkane, Devin Townsend and Edguy CDs from last week’s funny photo caption contest. Mr. Lun’s winning caption to the photo at right:

“Jimmy gets a taste (and whiff) of the good life at the 2009 Wigger Slam Initiate orientation.”

This week the good folks at Relapse Records have donated copies of Voivod’s Infinfi and Coalesce’s Ox, both brand spankin’ new, to send to one lucky winner. Just come up with a caption to the below photo and they’re yours.