The Glenn Danzig legend has taken on a life of its own. There are so many good Danzig stories on an ongoing basis we may as well just create an MS category singularly devoted to the man himself — bam! Retroactively updated, natch.

Take a look at this one before Glenn’s army of zombie lawyers shuts it down: someone has created a fake Yelp profile for Glenn Danzig, and the results are exactly as hilarious as you might image. At least we think it’s fake, but we admit that his profile is mighty convincing (Hometown: “Hell.” Things I Love: “Murder.” When I’m Not Yelping: “Get that fucking camera out of my face.”).

Glenn “The Zen Master” D seems to reside in Austin, TX — 16 of the 20 reviews he’s posted are in or around Texas’s best city — but a review of The Waffle in Hollywood posted earlier today indicates a possible timely trip to NAMM and a typically grumpy disposition:

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Ever wonder what Slayer’s rider looks like? Well, now we have the answers: The Most Metal Metal Band of All Time apparently loves Gogurt, Bowflex, Hogan’s Heroes, hand sanitizer, and hand satanizer.

And the craziest part about this document is that it’s apparently 100% real — Transmission Entertainment is the company that puts on FunFunFun Fest, at which Slayer appeared this year. AND the band apparently sent it out BEFORE Danzig had his little bitch fit at the fest, so it’s not yet another example of Slayer having fun at Danzig’s expense.

That being said, we can safely assume that it’s meant as a joke. We hope.

Check it out below… click to enlarge:

In other news, Slayer are still cooler than every other band in the Big Four combined.

-AR

[via Hard Rock Chick by way of Corey Mitchell]

So, hey, remember how Danzig acted like a real douche at Fun Fun Fun Fest this past weekend ’cause he didn’t get a bowl of French onion soup?

Well, Slayer — who also played the festival — have never been above a little good ol’ fashioned shit talking in the press, and I guess they decided to have some fun at Glenn’s expense. ‘Cause they posted the below photo on their Facebook page, along with the caption “Great show tonight @FunFunFunFest got everything we needed.”

Bravo, Slayer. Bra-fuckin’-vo.

-AR

Additional reporting by Antonin Skullia, Esq.

 A couple weeks back, your bros at MetalSucks ran an epic, multi-day feature entitled “Defending Danzig,” in which we looked at several of Danzig’s dubious distinctions and questionable judgment calls from over the years, then judged them. Our conclusion at the time? While he’s not beyond reproach, at least Danzig gets off his ass and does something, so don’t hate the player — hate the game.

But those were simpler times.

At this weekend’s Fun Fun Fun Fest in Texas, Danzig revealed himself as a jive turkey whose conduct was way the fuck beyond defensible.

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(Click to enlarge Danzig’s bricks.)

Fucking Glenn Danzig, man. The guy has basically become an Internet meme unto himself, a near pop-culture hero.

Did Danzig really clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch??? Does he actually own cats or is he just fucking with us? Does the man know he’s become a living legend / laughing stock? Did Danzig himself orchestrate this campaign in protest??!

This much we know for certain: Danzig and his motherfucking bricks, bitch, inspired an art installation at Funhouse Detroit, a “fun art” gallery located in the Russell Industrial Center in, duh, Detroit. The installation was built by Erichka Ilich, who offered this description via her blog:

The ["bricks, bitch"] IM conversation above was made into a stencil, and spray painted directly on the wall. On the opposing side of Danzig’s Pile of Bricks, we had the infamous video (cut down, and muted) of Danzig being punched in the face on a continuous loop. Like, four straight hours of Danzig getting punched in the face…over, and over, and over…

A++++++ WDBWA!

I hope some MS readers living in the Detroit area go and see Danzig’s motherfucking bricks, bitch, in person.

-VN

UPDATE: I somehow did not realize that this is the chick from Danzig’s video for “Mother,” about whom we’ve written before. Whoops. Still pretty funny shit, though. Thanks to everyone who pointed out my error.

If you have an erection right now but you need it to go away IMMEDIATELY so you can continue to go about your day, well, have we got a video for you! I’m not really sure what the fuck this is, or why it’s on YouTube… really, since I’ve seen this, I feel like I’m not really sure of anything anymore… other than, yeah, this a major boner killer. Like, the anti-Viagra.

It’s also incredibly funny.

Even though this whacky broad doesn’t ever get fully naked, this is definitely NSFW, so consider yourself warned.

-AR

Oh, Colin Driehorst, why did you send this to us???

The very much NSFW Danzig video (which the man himself apparently co-directed), “Ju Ju Bone,” features enough silicone to fashion a new spatula for Devin Townsend. Somehow while watching it I got distracted and was not actually paying attention to the lyrics of the song, so I don’t know if fake boobs are somehow thematically relevant to its content, or if Danzig is really just plum out of ways to get attention. Either way, though, I promise you that if you are twelve years old, have never before seen a breast that wasn’t about to feed you, and don’t know how to use the internet, this video will supply you with an erection.

“Ju Ju Bone” on Danzig’s latest, Deth Red Sabaoth, which is out now.

-AR

Here’s a problem I know we’ve all had from time to time.

So, you’re trying to weigh something. And, yeah yeah yeah, you know how many kilos it is, or how many liters it is, or whatever — but what you really need to know is, “How many Danzigs is that?” And then you have to break out your calculator and try to remember the Danzig Conversion Formula you learned in junior high school and it’s all just so annoying, right?

Well, no longer! Thanks to the incredible new website What’s That in Danzigs?, you can now convert various units of weight measurement (but not pounds, because FUCK YOU AMERICA) into Danzigs. For example, I typed in my own weight in kilos, and guess what?

Sad for me. I can just hear Glenn muttering: “I crap bigger than you.”

Reader Charles Atwood tipped off both us and our friends at Metal Insider about this site (I guess Charlie really wanted to see his name in lights! And by lights, I mean “on multiple heavy metal websites!”), and MI’s Bram Teitelman figured out a way cooler sample to provide his reader. Go here to check it out. Then go here to start converting shit into Danzig — the only system of measurement that matters.

-AR

Okay, so first of all, GOD BLESS METAL INJECTION for finding this amazing IM conversation between some dude and some other dude who is allegedly Danzig’s neighbor. Obviously it could be total bullshit, BUT OMG IT HAS TO BE TRUE RIGHT?!?!

Second of all, what the fuck has happened to Glenn Danzig? Was he always a total nutjob, or has this just happened in the past ten years? Between the North Side Kings thing and the doctor thing and the conspiracy theory thing and the cat food thing, I just don’t know how to take him seriously anymore; he’s like the really hostile senile dude at the old folks’ home who keeps yelling at all the nurses for no apparent reason. I’m about ready to add him to this ever-growing list.

-AR

On Tuesday night we got an e-mail from reader Taylor Carik, letting us know that he and a friend had gone to see Danzig at the Cabooze in Minneapolis earlier in the evening — only for Danzig to cancel the show at the last minute, “saying he didn’t like the venue.” Apparently the other bands on the tour played anyway, though — Taylor also told us that “Moduk was alright, too, for corpse paint.” And I know I should have immediately done some research to see if Danzig had, indeed, cancelled a gig because he didn’t like a venue, but I didn’t. I was far too interested in finding out who Moduk were. Corpse paint that can actually play music? That’s amazing! It takes the musicians who usually wear the corpse paint right out of the equation! IT COULD BE A REVOLUTION IN BLACK METAL!!! No longer would corpse paint be beholden to some asshole to make its art.

But while I was busy trying to track down this magical corpse paint, we got another e-mail, from a reader calling himself “Why Hate Abigail Williams?” (to which I can only reply, “Because they blow goats and like it?”), pointing us towards this report regarding the Danzig cancellation in question:

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You may remember that exactly one month ago, the above photo of Glenn Danzig shopping for kitty litter surfaced, and the internet wet its collective pants laughing. I didn’t really see the humor in the situation, though, and I still don’t. The dude owns a cat. That cat needs to shit. Danzig isn’t a member of Metallica; it’s not likely he has a horde of minions to run out and do his bidding all the time. And even if he does, we know for a fact that sometimes the Metallicats enjoy behaving like regular people, too, so it’s entirely feasible that Danzig gave his assistant or whatever the day off and just went to the store himself.

So. Glenn Danzig goes shopping for pet supplies. Hahahaha. Whatever.

But I’m clearly in the minority. So now Buzzgrinder has asked Danzig about the photo, and to his credit, Danzig’s response is perfectly reasonable:

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Our friends at Metal Insider and Metal Injection both posted the below photo today. In case you’re blind and your computer is, like, reading this to you or something, it’s a picture of Glenn Danzig in a grocery store parking lot, having just purchased, amongst other items, some kitty litter.

And I guess the picture is pretty funny, not least of all because Danzig is either wearing one of his own band shirts, or a shirt that looks one of his band shirts; I’ve seen Doro Pesch out in public rocking her own gear, too, and I don’t really understand the need to call attention to yourself like that, but maybe that’s why I’m an anonymous blogger and not a rock star.

But I don’t find a lot of humor in the simple fact that Glenn Danzig goes shopping. Between getting laid out by that dude from North Side Kings, advising cancer patients not to get chemo, and declaring that The Illuminati secretly run the world, I’d argue that Danzig lost his cool mystery factor a long time ago.

You know what I would find surprising and hilarious? If his cat were any color other than black. Now that would be unexpected.

We already knew that Glenn Danzig was nutty, ’cause he used to sing for The Misfits and he doesn’t believe in doctors or medicine. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s a conspiracy theorist, too. From a recent interview with MSN:

What are you reading lately?

Let’s see… something I started getting interested in a long time ago, that’s just an extension of a course on America being founded on Masonic principles and things like that. Back in the ’90s I looked at it and it was a no-no to talk about, but… the whole organization that runs the world, which is multi-country, and people know it as either the Committee of 300 or the Bilderbergs. Some people call it the Illuminati. That’s interesting to me.

The Illuminati? Like, the bad guys from that movie Opie made? Yeah, I’m not that worried about those dudes. Or the Bilderbergs. Or any of those other groups people like to say secretly run things. I mean, my grandfather was a Freemason, and if that guy was running the world, then I’m secretly Joey Belladonna, and I just make fun of myself for free publicity. Oh, wait. Shit. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. Now I have to kill you.

Anyways, here’s hoping Danzig now covers this:

-AR

Alright, so I’m not a doctor, and I fully acknowledge that the medical business is just as crooked as pretty much every other business in the world these days (I don’t even like metal, dude – I just couldn’t turn down the multi-million dollar contract the Sheinhardt Wig Company offered me to help run this site), but I do know that telling a cancer patient “Don’t bother with chemo” is probably not the wisest idea in the world. A few years ago my aunt had breast cancer, and I’m reasonably certain that if when the doctor told her “You need chemo” she had replied “You need to suck my muthafuckin’ dick, I’m going to see a nutritionist,” she’d be dead right now. Ditto a whole lotta other cancer patients I’ve known. Again, I’m no doctor. I suppose it’s possible that all they really needed was some zinc n’ shit. But this seems like one of these instances where, y’know, you should probably just shut the fuck up and do what the medical professional tells you.

Then again, I’m not Dr. Danzig, Medicine Goth. Check out this excerpt from a recent interview with Vice:

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I just saw this as part of the “If CHUD Ran the Movies” series and it made me giggle…

Check out more hot photoshop action here. If you like movies and don’t read CHUD, you’re a loser.

-AR

Remember the video for Danzig’s “Mother?” With the requisite blond metal chick? In case you don’t, here’s the clip:

Ever wonder what became of that lady? Well Lucho at Metal Inquisition did, and he followed-up with some good old fashioned investigative journalism. And as it turns out, that nice blond girl got old, busted, and completely fucking fuck nuts. Check out this video post-card she did for Mr. Danzig:

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Last night a reader known simply as “Tim” e-mailed us to say that Glenn Danzig played drums on Hollywood Undead’s Swan Songs.

Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. Was this true? How come no one had said anything ’til now? So I investigated…

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I mean, there’s no way this is actually Glenn Danzig, but good God, whoever is running @DANZIG deserves a major fucking pat on the back for coming up with gems like these:

I’ve never liked the word “spunky”
1:14 PM Apr 4th from web

my patience has worn thinner than my hairline lately.
10:43 PM Mar 23rd from web

No I am not going to be on a VH1 dating show, so stop asking.
1:14 AM Mar 7th from web

heading to the nail salon to get my pinky nail sharpened, brb
8:25 AM Feb 28th from web

standing in a clearing at the edge of the woods shaking a baby in my mouth
12:08 AM Feb 27th from web

Pure. Comic. Gold. Thanks to loooongtime MS Maniac (and Twitter-phobe) hibernum for sending this one in.

-VN