MetalSucks

Remember when I posted Enuff Z’Nuff’s awesomely terrible video for “Fly High Michelle” back in September? Well, in case you don’t or just need to re-live the glory, here’s the clip again:

Amazing, right? I mean “amazing” in the sense that “Holy poop I cannot believe anyone ever thought that this was an okay idea,” not in the “GOJIRA LIVE!!!” sense.

ANYWAY, I mention it because Bring Back Glam reports that fans – assuming this band still has any – can now “purchase a royalty earning share… of either ‘Baby Loves You’ [another Enuff Z'Nuff song] or ‘Fly High Michelle.’”

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I know exactly two people who will be really really excited that Vince Neil is working on a new solo album: me and Axl. Woot woot!

Some time in 1993 Axl dubbed me a tape; on one side was Living Colour’s Stain, and on the other side Vince Neil’s first solo record Exposed. My life was changed forever. While my namesake hasn’t managed to hold onto much any credibility in the years since, Exposed still holds up thanks in no small part to the guitar wizardry of the indomitable Steve “Jew from the Bronx changed my name to be a rockstar” Stevens.

While I’m not sure who’s even in Neil’s solo band at the moment (Keri Kelli?) I’m certain it isn’t Stevens, making this record circumspect from the getgo. Not that there aren’t other good guitar players out there but let’s face it, Neil’s a complete hack who definitely needs song written for him ala Ozzy, nahmean? So let’s (as in me and Axl) just agree to be cautiously optimistic about this one.

Here’s Neil w/ Stevens performing “Look In Her Eyes” in Chicago in 1993.

-VN

I’ve never seen Rock of Ages, the “Broadway smash!” jukebox musical that incorporates (recycles) old hair metal and hair metal-friendly songs into what Variety tells me is the story of “two people who meet at the Sunset Strip club Rock of Ages, fall in love and try to stay together.” But I’m assuming it’s awful. I mean, on the one hand, if you’re gonna suffer through a Broadway musical, I understand the appeal of said musical at least featuring songs by Poison, Bon Jovi and Twisted Sister; but on the other hand, no I don’t.

ANYWAY, I mention all of this because Variety also tells me that Adam Shankman is going to be directing a feature film version of this show. Shankman presumably landed the job because he directed the movie of the musical of the movie Hairspray and the studio execs in charge needed 110% assurance that whomever they hired would do nothing original or creative whatsoever. He’s also directed such masterpieces as Bringing Down the House (Queen Latifah shows Steve Martin his inner brother), The Pacifier (Vin Diesel wears a tutu), and Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

Christ. They couldn’t even get the dickhead who directed the first Cheaper by the Dozen.

Rock of Ages has given the world one true gift, however – Bret Michaels getting whacked in the head at the Tony Awards:

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You know when you know you’ve got too many greatest hits albums? When more than one of them are called Greatest Hits.

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He would have been 69 years old today.

I did an informal poll on Twitter to find good metal covers of Beatles songs, and while a number of people made creative suggestions and a lot of people were all into Beatallica n’ shit, the general consensus seemed to be that Motley Crue’s version of “Helter Skelter” still reigns supreme. So without further adieu…

Feel free to discuss your own favorite metal versions of songs originally by The Beatles below.

-AR

Actually, it’s not quite as cool as it initially sounds; I mean, when you think about it, he’s basically just tapping his foot while he riffs.

Still, I couldn’t do it, and I haven’t really seen any other guitarists do it, so props where they’re due.

This is an eight minute long video of Steel Panther’s Russ Parrish – a.k.a. “Satchel” – soloing, but skip to the 4:25 mark to see the cool part.

-AR

Thanks to Kenneth Horan for the tip.

Watch the new webisode by L.A. cockrockers Steel Panther, and sure, they seem like a bunch of jokers. But the authors of this century’s first classic hair rock album are also the bravest, most honest musicians ever. See, Michael Starr and crew sing about doin’ ya and doin’ your drugs, but don’t bother with fancy symbolic language, like the ribald single-entendres of AC/DC (“Fire Your Guns”) or total lack of imagination of Bulletboys (“Smooth Up In Ya”). Their raw candor isn’t just refreshing, it’s a public service, as though they respect us too much to veil nasty intentions or insult our intelligence with shitty poetry; expressed artlessly, guitarist Satchel’s sincere thanks to “the guy who invented cocaine” really reminds you that the guy who invented cocaine probably at least deserves a postage stamp; Satchel’s other pet cause is universal vagina maintenance standards, and again, a less confident band may not dare to instruct our sisters, mothers, and girlfriends on matters of good greens-keeping; and lastly but not leastly, bless Steel Panther for speaking out against those awful Goo Goo Dolls. They can suck my balls, too.

Feel The Steel is (finally) out now. Order it here.

Our friend Chris Krovatin sent us this video for Enuff Z’Nuff’s “Fly High Michelle,” announcing that “it blew my mind in its awfulness.”  I assume that means he’s never had the (dis?)pleasure of watching it before. Personally, I haven’t seen it in years, and somehow forgot how bad it really is. Even when Enuff Z’Nuff were “cool” (or at least popular), this video seemed like an abomination against eyeballs. But I bet whomever directed this thought he was being really, really deep.

You really have to suffer through this. It’s gotta be one of the funniest videos ever made. That’s not hyperbole.

-AR

Sebastian Bach, who is perpetually the most entertaining former rock star in all of hair metaldom, is going to be on yet another fucking reality show – this time VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club, where former “stars” purportedly go to shed some weight, but actually go because their parents didn’t love them enough, causing them to have no sense of self-worth whatsoever if they’re not constantly in the spotlight. Although a VH1 reality show strikes me as a pretty dim spotlight. But whatever.

Bach will be joined by that dude who knocked up Britney Spears, that chick from Charles in Charge I always used to think about while jerking off, crackhead Bobby Brown, and a bunch of people I’ve never heard of.

I guess the last time I actually saw Bach up close was in 2006 when he was hanging from Axl Rose’s nuts all over the world, but in all honesty, the guy looked like he was in pretty good shape. I mean, I’m sure his liver is failing and his septum has been burned-through with coke, but he wasn’t fat or anything. If anyone has seen him more recently and can tell me I’m wrong, please do so. Nothing would make me happier than to learn that Baz had pulled a Brando.

Celebrity Fit Club will start airing in February 2010, by which time I will most certainly have forgotten about it.

-AR

We make fun of L.A. Guns quite a bit, mostly because, well, they’re really worth making fun of. For one thing, they’re one of those bands where there’s actually two different versions of the band touring around, claiming to be “L.A. Guns;” the version that doesn’t feature founding guitarist/namesake Tracii Guns hired a dude named – no shit – Stacey Blades as their guitarist. Plus, Tracii is the “Guns” in “Guns N’ Roses,” but quit the band before they got signed, and has spent most of his career trying to prove that he could have been Slash, if given the shot. And they’re one of those bands that claims they were never hair metal even though there’s really no other way to categorize them. So, yeah, they’re pretty silly.

They’re also one of the better hair metal bands of their era, even if they never made it that big in the scheme of things. On Friday night during some drunken rambling about Kix and Love/Hate and whatever other wussy bands crossed our Peroni-soaked brains, a friend and I started reminiscing about the song “Over the Edge” from Hollywood Vampires. I don’t know how the song holds up in the whole pantheon of songs that were cool when you were a kid but aren’t cool anymore, but I still have fun listening to it from time to time.

All I could find for a embedded video was this rip from the Point Break soundtrack. Since Swayze just died, I figured, y’know, fuck it.

-AR

Some things never change, like Vince Neil getting winded and letting the audience the sing all the words, or Tommy Lee sounding like a complete idiot every time he opens his mouth. But some things do change, and this era of Motley Crue absolutely smokes the modern incarnation in the live setting. Tommy Lee is in top shape rockin’ the double bass behind the kit, Mick Mars can actually move, Nikki Sixx somehow manages to run around in high heels (credit where it’s due!) and my namesake surprisingly doesn’t sound half-bad when he is singing. I would’ve loved to have been 18 in 1983 and seen Motley Crue in their prime. Thanks to MetalSucks Maniac Shane Gillis for sending in this gem.

-VN

For a horribly misguided, washed-up hair-metal star who compared Barack Obama to Hitler, it turns out that Blackie Lawless can still kick out the jams. Not only is Blackie Lawless still alive but apparently W.A.S.P have a new album called Babylon coming out on October 12th. Here’s the new single, “Crazy,” sent in by longtime MS Maniac Steve Stamopoulos. And you know what? It ain’t bad.

-VN

Like our friend Eyal Levi, I am still amazed that the words “Happy Birthday Dimebag” set off a debate of Ziltoidian proportions. I just don’t see how the impact of Pantera on modern metal is open to discussion; even if you hate them, to say that they weren’t hugely popular and influential even before Dime’s death just strikes me as… wrong. Just wrong.

And, come to think of it, I don’t really understand hating Pantera, either. Even if you think they’re just dumb rednecks. ‘Cause if we’re not gonna listen to the music of every musician we perceive as an idiot anymore, we’re gonna need to throw out, at minimum, 80% of our respective music libraries. And not just the metal shit, either.

Of course, this video probably won’t convince anyone that Pantera were awesome, and will, I imagine, lead to cries of “See they sold out,” “they were just chasing trends,” etc. And even if that’s true, it doesn’t really make Cowboys from Hell or Vulgar Display of Power or whatever your favorite Pantera album is any less awesome. Kinda like Machine Head.

MS Maniac Fabio Sanchez gets a gold star for sending us this video. Thanks dude!

-AR

For some reason I’ve thinking about Bulletboys this morning. I know “Smooth Up In Ya” is probably like the most obvious Bulletboys song to post… but there’s a reason for that, ’cause it’s the best. Gotta love the stock ’80s fake live performance video… I guess this is the ’80s equivalent of the modern-day metal warehouse video. So yeah, like, this video isn’t even that good, but you know you wanna click and let it play whilst you do other Internetting this morning, right?

-VN

This is Blackie Lawless talking about Barack Obama in Classic Rock magazine (via Blabbermouth):

“He’s one of these old-time 60s radicals from way back. He thinks he’s going to change the world and he’s hell-bent on doing that. When he stood there the night of the nomination and he said that he intended on ‘fundamentally changing’ America – a chill ran down my back. Thousands of people were just standing there, wildly applauding, and it reminded me of Hitler standing on the steps of the Reichstag.”

Here’s what went through my mind imediately after I read this:

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Yesterday’s post featuring Dokken in a Norton Anti-Virus commercial inspired longtime MS-faithful commenter Hibernum to post about another recent commercial done by a haggard ’80s rock band. Steve Grimmet of Grim Reaper fame did this bit with his solo band for Garmin Navigational Systems sometime back in 2007; at over two minutes, it’s practically a full-on music video made with a budget of about $3. And it’s made of pure win. I’m considering buying a Garmin GPS system even though I don’t have a car if it means that silver surfer dude will come around any time I’m lost… is there an iPhone version available yet?

Ride your Garmin, take on the world!

-VN

I’m not sure how Dokken ended up in this Norton Internet Security commercial; I mean, how fucking random can you get? Is there some inside joke that I’m not getting here – like does Don Dokken have some infamous chicken story akin to Led Zep’s shark incident? Or do the manatees that write Family Guy also do ad copy now?

Regardless of whatever the actual story behind this spot is, it tickles me so.

Boy oh boy do I bet that George Lynch wishes he was still in the band now!!!

If you’d like to see two other versions of this same commercial, head over to Blabbermouth.

-AR

Here’s an interesting little piece that Noisecreep ran last week:

“For some reason, Skid Row fans or my fans are so hung up on these three or four tunes that I did a billion years ago,” says Bach, on the phone from the airport, while on his way to a gig tonight (Aug. 25) in front of 20,000 people at Telus Field in Edmonton, Alberta — where he will join country music duo Big and Rich onstage.

“I don’t get it. I completely don’t understand it because when I made it in rock, I said, ‘This is f—ing great. Now I can make music the rest of my life.’ Some people just wanna make the same record over and over again for the rest of their life, and that’s just not me. That’s totally not me.”

And here’s the performance Bach gave with Big and Rich that very night:

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Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting Mets fans at Shea Stadium.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting fish in the ocean.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting recovering alcoholics at an AA meeting.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting tourists at a Planet Hollywood.

Arresting wild women at a Motley Crue concert is like arresting douche bags who write for MetalSucks.

-AR

We generally shy away from hate on ironic bands here at the MS Mansion, but you just can’t hate on Steel Panther. They’re actually a good band, they’re fucking hilarious, and in a way they aren’t really ironic… they kinda were/are the real deal, only they have the self-awareness to be able to take a step back, realize what they’re doing is ridiculous, and make fun of it.

Here’s their latest video for “Community Property” which comes from their new album Feel the Steel, out October 6th. Also worthy of your time, the video for “Death To All But Metal.”

-VN