Our friend Bram Teitelman, a.k.a. “The Dude Who Runs Metal Insider,” deserves some kind of freakin’ award or something. Back in January, he brought this old commercial for the Warrant’s 900 number to our attention; now he’s unearthed the below video, of a not-yet-famous Cinderella for  Pat’s Chili’s Dogs in Folsom, PA. (Alas, Bram says Pat’s is no longer in business.) And if I find this commercial a little less amusing than I did the Warrant one, it’s only because at no point do Cinderella discuss fucking underage fans.

I always think of Cinderella as one of the all-around better bands of their era; their appearance aside, their music was always a notch above most of their peers, and they had the good sense to stop making records in the 90s and just live on as a legacy touring act. (In fact, they’re touring right now. You can get dates here.) So it makes sense that even the skeletons in their closet are slightly less horrid than those of the other hair metallers.

-AR

Portnoy (left) with Tom Morello, John goddamn Sykes, That Metal Show host Eddie Trunk, and Doug Pinnick of King’s X

There are days when it seems like ex-Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy is underachieving (cough Adrenaline Mob), but the wider view reveals a hard-working guy who cares greatly about quality music. His mistakes are mistakes (singing on DT records, 12-stepper lyrics, AX7), and his post-DT career so far is basically frantic, low-confidence base-covering, but hey that’s the reality of a messy break-up. You get a little crazy and scared. But with time and patience, Portnoy will land another Images And Words-sized creative success. This is my belief.

So imagine how smugly right I feel about that belief when it was announced Monday that Portnoy is pairing with hungry, mega-talented ace John fucking Sykes (Blue Murder, Whitesnake). Bonerz!
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Vince and I are going to see the Mötley Crüe /Poison/New York Dolls tour tonight, and, yes, we are excited. And while it briefly seemed as though this would be a magically drama-free tour after Nikki Sixx allegedly apologized for some not-very-nice things he and at least one of his bandmates (Tommy Lee) said about Poison, it’s become increasingly clear that Nikki either didn’t apologize, or didn’t want that apology made public. In any case, he has continued to smack-talk Poison at every opportunity, which, of course, makes us drama queens at MetalSucks very happy.

But the really wacky thing about Nikki’s insults against Bret Michaels and company — and I’ve been saying this since November, when word of the tour first got out — is that Nikki seems to be operating under the impression that Mötley Crüe never dressed like this…

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You know what your summer has been lacking? Some hair metal! I’m a little bummed I’m missing the shit show that is sure to be the Motley Crue/Poison/New York Dolls tour, but, luckily, I’ve got another gem of concert. Continuing with my summer of nostalgic shame, I recently saw Bon Jovi in Istanbul. Yep, Bon Jovi. First Slipknot, and now Jersey’s finest. God, throw in some KMFDM or the Mortal Kombat soundtrack and we’ll complete the trifecta of my youthful metal faux pas: nu-industrial-hair. Doesn’t that sound like a terrible, terrible fashion subculture? I’m sure it already exists in Japan.

Anyways, I’ve been in and out of love with Bon Jovi for as long as I can remember. The past few years I’ve unfortunately let my love turn into hate (whooaa-hooo [I didn’t] keep the faith), but I think this show has pushed me back into neutral territory, bordering on affection. Apparently, I just can’t quit the on-going story of Tommy and Gina.

Now, a lot of you might consider attending a Bon Jovi concert lame. I’m not here to dissuade you. But I do think that I ventured so totally into lameness at this show that at one point it became ironic and, thus, really cool. Maybe. I don’t know how these things work.

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The Nikki Sixx v. Poison battle has gone to such ridiculous heights I’m starting to think Nikki and Bret Michaels are in cahoots and had this whole thing planned out from the very beginning. It’s certainly gotten them a ton of press, right? Who am I kidding… let’s not give either of these dunderheads too much credit for doing anything other than writing good songs 20 years ago.

There’s been so much yammering back and forth since the Motley / Poison tour was announced this Spring that I honestly can’t keep track of who said what anymore. But in the latest tidbit Nikki once again slams Poison as a second-place contender for this tour (emphasis added):

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Sebastian Bach has announced a September 27 release date for his new album, Kicking & Screaming. The press release makes no mention of any collaborations with Jamey Jasta or John 5, which would have been the reasons to at least be curious about this record, especially after the awfulness that Bach’s last outing, Angel Down. So… oh well.

But the press release did include a link to the below promo photo, by Gabriel Goldberg, and it might be the most inadvertently hilarious promo photo ever for a professional musician of whom you’ve actually heard. I can’t believe that anyone, let alone what was probably a team of people, thought it was a good idea to release a photo where Baz looks like he’s just about to start weeping. Because nothing screams “ROCK!” like a depressed blonde man with too much make-up on.

Vince is away on vacation, so there won’t be any of his patented photo caption contests for awhile. But if anyone can come up with a caption for this that actually makes me laugh, I will send them a goody bag of assorted whatever-the-fuck we have lying around.

So have at it…

-AR

Phil Varone was the original drummer in Saigon Kick and the not-original drummer in Skid Row, and he was on VH1′s Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. But either the treatment wasn’t very effective, or I don’t understand what the show is actually about, because now Varone has a launched a porn site, Phil Varone’s Secret Sex Stash (it should go without saying that the site is NSFW).

The gimmick of this particular porn site — because all porn sites must have a gimmick, lest men be forced to jerk off to a plot-free video of people fucking — is that all the women are allegedly groupies that Varone has shutpped during his tenure as a C-list celebrity. (Varone claims to have slept with 3,000 women, which I guess explains why he hasn’t recorded a decent album in twenty years — dude has been busy with other projects!) So if you’ve ever had a fantasy about being with a girl who wanted to bang you for the sole reason that you are a replacement member in a band that was famous in 1992, this is the site for you! Kerri Kelli is jealous he didn’t think of it first.

Of course, Varone isn’t the first metal d00d to get into the world of porn — there’s Evan Seinfeld, of course, and Dead to Fall’s Chad Fjerstad, to say nothing of leaked sex tapes starring Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, and Fred Durst (although not all three of them together… now that would sell a bajillion copies). And, clearly, it’s a smart career move. The music industry is dying because of people illegally downloading music on the net, but, as we all know, getting free pornography online is damn near impossible. So finding people willing to pay $240 a year to watch a guy who SWEARS ON HIS MOTHER’S LIFE that he’s a rockstar nail “groupies” should be no problem.

-AR

[via Noisecreep]

Okay so that’s not a direct quote, but still.

Last week I expressed some disappointment that everyone in Mötley Crüe and Poison seems to be getting along in advance of their upcoming summer tour, with Nikki Sixx apparently even going so far as to apologize to Bret Michaels for derogatory comments he had made about Poison in the past — y’know, like when he called Poison “fake bullshit” and declared that The Crüe “would never, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison.”

But guess what? As it turns out — shock of shocks — either Michaels is a liar or delusional, or Sixx is a liar or just an asshole. ‘Cause now Nikki has taken to Twitter to assure the world that, no, he never apologized for his comments:

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An Open Letter to Mötley Crüe and Poison

Dear Members of Mötley Crüe and Poison,

Okay so look. Vince and I already have our tickets to your big summer tour with the New York Dolls. You have our money. You won that fight. It’s over.

So the least you could do is make the tour fucking entertaining. And, no, I don’t mean by playing “Live Wire” and “Ride the Wind” or whatever. I mean, you’re gonna play those songs, but that’s a given.

No no no no no no no. What we really, really want here is some DRAMA. Some FEUDING between the bands. You’re Mötley Crüe and Poison, fer cryin’ out loud! You chase trends. Star on reality shows. Contract and spread diseases. Release terrible records. This tour is not supposed to be some huge love fest. It’s supposed to be a total shit show.

Which is why I’m really pissed that, thus far, you seem to be getting along. You’re doing talk shows together. And now Bret Michaels says that Nikki Sixx has even apologized for the comments he and other members of The Crüe have made about Poison — y’know, the ones where they called Poison “fake bullshit,” swore that they “would never, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” and even yelled at a fan over Twitter for suggesting such a heinous concept. According to Mr. Rock of Love:

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I don’t know why, but I’ve had John Corabi on the brain recently. Maybe it’s ’cause Corey just wrote about the poor dude? I dunno. But last night I realized I’d never seen any footage of him performing live with Mötley Crüe during his brief tenure with the band, and went looking on YouTube for said footage. I found some okay bootlegs (“Hooligan’s Holiday,” “Dr. Feelgood,” “Home Sweet Home”), and it looks like Corabi was actually doing a pretty good job — which isn’t really surprising. The one eponymous album Corabi made with the band is actually pretty good, even if it was pretty much damned right from the get go.

More interesting, though, is this footage I stumbled upon of Corabi and the The Crüe rehearsing. It’s professionally filmed, although for what, I have no idea, and it’s been on YouTube since 2008, so I’m kinda surprised that no one ever sent it to me before. But I love this kinda shit. I mean, I’m obviously never going to rehearse with Mötley Crüe, so this is a pretty interesting look into that process. It’s fun to see how these guys actually interact with one another, y’know? (My favorite part might be Mick Mars getting pissy become a tech scuffed the floor. Seriously.) Plus, it turns out Tommy Lee was always retarded, if that’s news to you.

More after the jump!

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For all the shit we give hair metal bands we once admired around here, not all of them have aged so terribly. Sometimes they even surprise you and release something terrific. Last year, Ratt’s Infestation knocked us on our asses; just recently, Whitesnake caught us off-guard when their new album, Forevermore, actually turned out to be a whole lotta fun. (Extreme’s 2009 release, Saudades de Rock, was also quite good, although they’re not really hair metal.) My point just being that you have listen to these albums with an open mind, because sometimes these bands really pull their shit together and remind you why you ever liked them to begin with.

And sometimes they turn into Warrant.

The band’s new album, Rockaholic, comes out next month, and now they’ve released a video, “Life’s a Song,” to promote it. And the song totally fucking boring, the video so cheesy that Dino Cazares tried to eat it, drummer Steven Sweet apparently invented a time machine, went back in time to the 70s, doped a woman, shaved her bush, and used it as a wig, and — perhaps worst of all — the band has the cojones to use lots and lots of vintage footage — “Hey, remember when you loved us? YOU FUCKING LOVED US!!!” — despite the fact that Jani Lane, their most recognizable member, is no longer in the fold. (And this new dude, Robert Mason, is no Jani Lane. I mean he sounds like he can sing, but his vocals have as much personality as the name “Bob Mason” would suggest.) I think I even saw an old still featuring Jani in there, although my eyes may be playing tricks on me. What a load of crap.

Rockaholic comes out May 17 on Frontiers Records. It features a song called “Sex Ain’t Love,” so I guess we really are a long way away from “Cherry Pie.”

-AR

As recently as Monday, I was aghast by dudes dissing Dangerous Toys as some Gn’R clone or another hair rock poof brigade. That makes no sense. Where Guns were punky, angry, and anthemic, Toys were bluesy, ribald, and wry. Where glam metal was about sky-high party times, Toys and their brethren in Badlands, Junkyard, Love/Hate, and BulletBoys were about fun and survival on the barfy edge of a born-to-lose life.

I mean, I get the confusion; after all, each of the above was attached to the scene on MTV, in magazines, and on opening slots on tour. A similar misperception might mire a real metal band like BTBAM or Behemoth if they surfaced sporting skinny jeans and complicated hair cuts. Okay that’d be hilarious, but anyway, all of this blabbing is in service of you, MetalSucks reader, and your unending quest to jam harder and more often than everyone. In this spirit, we present five ridiculous Dangerous Toys jamz for your face, each a diamond of slick melodies and Scott Dalhover’s beautifully-voiced chords. I defy you to not love each. Or hey, fine, you can cheat yourself of awesome jamz. Now, turn the shit up.

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Long-time readers of MetalSucks are fully aware of my lifelong obsession with Mötley Crüe. Okay, it was more like a two-year love affair, at least until I discovered Terry Glaze-fronted Pantera, Metallica, and the English Dogs.

I have ruined any chances of running for public office by openly displaying my dress-up capabilities as both Vince Neil and Nikki Sixx on this wonderful publication. I have reviewed the band’s concerts here, as well as their books (and books, and books).

My pathetic one-sided man crush was shattered on December 8, 1984, when lead singer Vince Neil vehicularly manslaughtered 24-year-old Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, while driving his Pantera to a liquor store in Redondo Beach, California, to pick up some booze. Interestingly enough, that was the same exact moment the band’s music began to completely suck. Hard.

That brings us to modern day Mötley Crüe and their upcoming co-headlining summer tour with metal stalwarts Poison **hack** and glam rock pioneers the New York Dolls. According to Blabbermouth, Crüe bassist and de facto leader Nikki Sixx claims that the band’s fans “demanded” that they take Poison out on the road. MetalSucks co-head honcho Axl Rosenberg, of course, is much wiser than Sixx gives him credit.

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As is the case with a lot of their peers, I am always, always, always going to check out the new Def Leppard song/album/whatever, even if my expectations aren’t very high. But the truth is, even though I have really enjoyed a new Def Lep offering since 1999′s Euphoria, these dudes have done a much better job of keeping their eye on the ball than, say, Motley Crue. Fact of the matter is, The Nine Armed Beast from Britain will probably never write a song as good as “Love Bites” or “Pour Some Sugar on Me” or even “Let’s Get Rocked” again, but at least they’re not running around writing songs with the dudes from A Simple Plan, y’know?

So. Def Leppard’s new song is called “Undefeated,” and I guess it got played on the radio, which these days is just another way of saying it’s now on YouTube. The lyrics are, as usual, completely ridiculous (“Look in these eyes, these eyes don’t lie/ And they say that if you don’t blink, then you don’t die.” That makes about as much sense as the fact that a certain one-armed drummer once beat his wife.), but if you ever enjoyed vintage Def Lep, it’s hard for me to imagine that you won’t at least tap your foot along with this sucker.

Def Leppard’s new album is actually a live album with three new studio tracks tossed in an effort to get people who don’t care about a Def Leppard live recording to purchase the thing anyway. It’s called Mirrorball and it will be out on Mercury, uh… well, I can’t find a release date, but sometime soon I imagine.

-AR

Thanks to Nikki Fixx for the tip!

So apparently Warrant have a new album coming out (the band now consists of all the original members save for alcoholic/morbidly obese vocalist Jani Lane), and it’s called Rockaholic, and as you can see below, the cover art expresses the theme of the title in a manner both subtle and metaphoric. I can’t quite make out what the prescription attached to the file says*, but I bet it’s a really erudite and nuanced joke. Y’know, like the kind you’d see in a New Yorker cartoon or something.

Rockaholic comes out May 17 on Frontiers Records.

-AR

*Why the crap would any doctor attach a copy of a patients’ prescription to the outside of the file, as opposed to, y’know, filing it in the file? This not only seems like a potential violation of doctor/patient confidentiality, but it increases the chances that the prescription will actually be lost exponentially.

Hey, remember how Vince Neil assaulted his ex in Vegas last week? (Sorry, I’m supposed to say “allegedly assaulted” his ex.) Well, now the dude — who has nothing if not chutzpah — is claiming that said ex, future-Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Alicia Jacobs, actually assaulted him. And TMZ has the photo to prove it:

Uh… is that real? It looks like someone just sprinkled some ketchup on his arm. I’ve had paper cuts that looked more damaging.

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There was a brief moment when I was a kid first being introduced to glam during which I could not tell Vince Neil and C.C. DeVille apart for some reason. And at this point, Motley Crue and Poison are equally ridiculous — and now they’re touring together, too. So I’m just gonna put all the emerging news concerning both bands in one big heap after the jump. I’m sure of the five of you who still care won’t mind.

And so:

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You’d think with all the shit talking and back tracking Nikki Sixx has been doing about this whole Motley Crue/Poison tour, putting him in a room with Bret Michaels to do some terrible morning television (because Motley Crue and Poison fans are now so old that the media outlet they are most likely to get their rock news from is a morning show) would an awful idea. And by “awful,” I mean for those poor bastards. You’d think it would be a great idea for us drama enthusiasts.

But no. Sixx and Michaels have been making the morning show rounds, and not only do they appear to be getting along, but they are about as exciting a comedy team as Death and Taxes. I mean, holy shit, are these interviews boring. The only thing even remotely interesting about them is the fact that Michaels is now more media-savvy than Sixx. Sixx’s exploits with Kat Von D. have kept him in the tabloids, but Rock of Love, Celebrity Apprentice, the Tony Awards, Miley Cyrus, and a giant middle finger to the desires of The Almighty have made Michaels famous in a much bigger way — a “Sheesh even my grandmother knows who Bret Michaels is” kinda way — and he’s gotten good at giving these very bland talk show interviews.

ANYWAY, if you do wanna watch these, here’s the video I prefer, if for no other reason than because I thought the lady was saying “Yep, that’s my sexual future” at the beginning, and I was like, “Whuh-huh?” (she’s actually saying “my six year old’s future”). But Metal Insider, who first brought these interviews to my attention, have another one, too.

-AR

Did anyone watch Tommy Lee Goes to College when it was on? I didn’t. Yeah, it might have been funny to see the Motley Crue drummer — who I sincerely believe is at least a little bit retarded, in the truest sense of the word — fumble through college and possibly spread hepatitis and chlamydia amongst an entire sorority house. But the premise ultimately wasn’t intriguing enough to get me to tune in. And, honestly, if I was a student (or the parent of a student) at that school and I found out they were letting some dingleberry rock star and a television crew wander around and disrupt shit, I’d probably be pretty pissed.

Now Mr. Lee is getting ready to fuck shit up not just for college students, but for entire cultures. Says Bring Back Glam!:

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I know we give Bret Michaels a lot of shit around here, and rightfully so. But I actually do think he deserves a big pat on the back for this.

In case you haven’t been following the drama: Nikki Sixx has been saying no band of his would ever tour with Poison since as far back as 2004, and then in November Bret Michaels said that Motley Crue were going to tour with Poison, and then Tommy Lee was all “Oh no we’re not,” and then it turned out the tour was happening anyway, and then Nikki, rather than admit that The Crue are putting aside whatever hatred they have for Poison in order to please the fans/get paid, came out and was like, “Yeah, we’re just doing this tour with New York Dolls,” who will act as support on the bill.

Now, inevitably, Michaels has been asked about all the brewing drama in a recent interview. And he could have started some shit by smack talking Sixx right back, which I certainly would have found entertaining. Or he could have told some bullshit lie like Sixx did, which would have provided me the opportunity to make fun of him some more. But, no, he did something kind of unusual instead: he took the high road and told the truth.

Here are some choice excerpts:

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