So this Motley Crue/Poison/New York Dolls tour is really happening, and now Nikki Sixx has to do some backpedalin’, seeing as just a few years ago he declared that no band he’s in “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” because Poison are “fake bullshit.” Thing is, it’s hard to backpedal from a statement as definitive and aggressive as that one. So Nikki probably did the menschy thing and just came right out and said “Yeah, well that was then and this is now and the fans really want this tour and cha-ching!”, right?

Nope. Instead, he went on his radio show (oh yeah, someone gave Nikki a radio show) and said this:

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The newly-announced Poison and Motley Crue US tour is nice, but Sweden pretty much has got the whole sleaze rock thing down properly. There’s Crashdiet, the glam-rock forefathers of Swede sleaze; Reckless Love, who, if they’d been any fluffier, could be substituted for Easter animals; and my personal favorite Hardcore Superstar, who are harder and more thrash/punk than glam.

Crazy Lixx lands smack in the middle of this (and more — the UK is getting in on the sleaze action and the less said about that right now the better). Their songs are basically pop songs performed really loud with a couple extra guitars. Formed in 2002, this four-piece from Malmo, Sweden has so far put out only two albums. The first of which, 2007’s Loud Minority, is nearly impossibly to get. (Luckily, I have a nice Australian friend coming through for me. See, this is why you make friends with other countries. To get music. Worked when I was trying to track down Kvelertak too.)

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Fun fact: I put the Mötley Crüe/Poison/New York Dolls tour date I wanna hit up (I’ve considered it and I’m ready to forgive Vince Neil as long as he promises to remain pathetic) in the calendar on my iPhone, AND THE PHONE AUTOMATICALLY ADDED UMLAUTS. It really is the future, guys. 2001 was just a misprint. I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

ANYWAY, I know a lot of you are pretty down on this tour, and I’ll try to keep that in mind when Vince and I are having an amazing time at the show. Actually, I’ll probably be way too coked up to care. Nevvvverrrrr mind.

Here are the dates:

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Bret and Nikki in happier times

Clearly, Motley Crue (or, at least, Nikki Sixx) do not wanna do this tour with Poison. Nikki has been quoted as far back as 2004 as having said that The Crue “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” who he called “fake bullshit.” Even though both bands wore make-up and got by on their image as much as their music, Motley seem to think they’re better than Poison. And there’s a strong argument to be made that they’re correct — they were around when the Poison dudes were still living in Pennsylvania, and their music, although certainly dated, definitely holds up better.

But the fact is, they’re doing this tour with Poison, and now’s the time for them to man up and stop firing shots over the bow. Right?

Wrong.

See, when CNN’s website for Piers Morgan Tonight broke the story (via an interview with Bret Michaels) that the rumored tour was a go, they also ran a press release which distinctly says that the two bands will “co-headline.” But not so, according to Motley Crue’s Facebook page:

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So in November, Bret Michaels said that Poison and Motley Crue were gonna do a big summer tour together, despite the fact that Nikki Sixx once said that there was “No way in fucking hell” that Motley “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” ’cause “That would be the death of us… I will not be attached to that kind of fake bullshit.” And then a couple of days later, Tommy Lee shot down the rumor with an enthusiastic “NO!”

Well, now Michaels has gone on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight and announced that Poison and The Crue will, indeed, do a big summer tour together, to celebrate the former band’s 25th anniversary. And just to make extra-sure that Nikki and Tommy now have to eat their words, the tour is going to be called “Glam – A – Gedon 25.”

Now, I’m of two minds about going to this tour:

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Vince Neil was sentenced to all of fifteen days after he was arrested on a DUI charge last year, despite the fact that he has literally killed people under similar circumstances. And while Neil thought his sentence of fifteen days was “harsh,” Las Vegas lawmakers refused to budge, insisting Neil be punished for his wrongdoings despite the fact that he’s a celebrity, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Oh, wait, actually, scratch that last part: according to Metal Insider, Neil was actually released after only serving ten days. Now he’s under house arrest, learning the error of his ways while enjoying what I imagine are all the luxuries that Motley Crue money can buy.

I’m honestly out of things to say about what a farce this whole thing has become. Obviously, Vince Neil is just never going to learn his lesson, while I am going to have to feel guilty for loving Dr. Feelgood for the rest of my life.

How is it that Neil’s behavior makes me feel worse than it does him? More importantly, why is is that Rob Riggle and the fat lady from Magnolia are more astringent enforcers of Vegas law in make believe than the actual Vegas lawmakers whose job it is to keep dudes like Neil off the streets?

-AR

In case you don’t know, ex-Warrant vocalist is a horrible, horrible lush — there have been stories going around for literally YEARS now about him stumbling off-stage mid-performance to make his way to the bar, because he literally can’t wait for the show to be over and/or someone to bring him a drink on stage to get inebriated, and one time I even heard about him vomiting in the crowd. And a couple of days ago, Metal Sludge reported that the dude was about to cancel all his solo tour dates due to his drinking problems, and now it looks like they called that one correctly. I mean, no official reason for the tour being called off, but his website administrator did say in a statement that “I do not wish to elaborate [on the reasons for the cancellation], but I do ask for your prayers and thoughts to be with Jani and his family at this time.” Might as well have just said “Jani’s too drunk too tour,” y’know?

Luckily, Jani won’t go dry just because he’s too fucked-up to do his job: Bring Back Glam alerted us to existence of the below television ad for Gain laundry detergent, which features the Warrant hit “Heaven.” Presumably licensing that tune cost a pretty penny. So if you were worried about Jani finally having to sober up, due to lack of funds if not any actual desire to stop being a total mess, well, fret not!

The commercial gets bonus points for using the word “gooder.” And for not being the most embarrassing T.V. ad with which Warrant has been associated.

-AR

Holy shit, did you know that Whitesnake are still around? It’s true! They’ve even released a new video, for a song called “Love Will Set You Free.” And even though David Coverdale now looks like he should be luring children into the oven in his gingerbread house*, the song is actually not awful, and the video is totally competent! It’s nothing you haven’t seen/heard before, but I’m just shocked that this isn’t embarrassing in every single way.

The band apparently has a new album coming out, called Forevermore, on March 29. Even though this song didn’t make me wanna kill anyone, I’m not going to listen to it — but I think I should be able to convince Leyla or Anso to do so.

-AR

*Seriously, instead of teaching abstinence in certain public schools, they should just re-film the video for “Here I Go Again” with Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen the way they look now. After seeing that, no teenager would ever feel the desire to have sex ever again.

Major props to Metal Insider for unearthing this gem of a vintage television commercial, promoting Warrant’s 900 number. (Do those still exist? And, if so, who the fuck uses them?) The ad would probably be hilarious just by virtue of its time and style, but really makes it worth your time is its use of ridiculous sexual (non-) innuendos. Some choice quotes:

• “Yeah, we like to rock, but we like to do a lot of other things, too!”
• “We’ll give you the warm, hard facts!”
• “Our fans always come first!”
• “Find out what happens behind tour bus doors!!!”

…all while instruction kids to ask their parents’ permission before calling, which is a classy touch. Although I doubt that Warrant ever discussed the abuse of cocaine, vodka, and young women on their hotline anyway. But, man, I would love to hear the filthy messages not-especially-bright young women and even-less-bright-thrash-fans-turned-pranksters must have been leaving on this line. I wonder if Warrant ever actually used it to recruit groupies.

In any case, I’m sure that the memory of this commercial is just one of the many things which now motivates Jani Lane’s efforts to eat and/or drink himself to death.

-AR

So remember this past summer, when Vince Neil — who has literally killed and maimed people while drunk driving — was arrested in Vegas for DUI, and then subsequently flaunted his love and of boozin’ n’ cruisin’ not once but twice? Well, the Long Arm of the Law is not just gonna let this shit pass. No no no, assholes like Vince Neil need to be taught a lesson, even if they are famous. And so Vince is being handed a punishment only slightly more severe than the one I received when my parents found my cigarettes in the tenth grade. From Metal Insider:

“Neil will plead guilty to the DUI on January 26, and then will turn himself over to Clark County Detention Center in Las Vegas on February 15, where he will spend the next 15 days in. Following that, he will serve another 15 days under house arrest.”

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Life’s kinda getting’ out of control. I think. I don’t know if you agree, will you hand me that ashtray? So, man, the other day I decided I might as well pull out that Vince Neil autobiography. I was a big Mötley Crüe fan when I was a teenager and got tired of Elton John, Boston, and Ted Nugent. They were cutting edge back then. The Crüe, that is… at least, that’s what I thought. What did I care, they fuckin’ rocked, they looked cool, and the chicks used to come out in droves for them. What more could a horny male teenager ask for? What’s that? I don’t know… shit! I dropped my coffee in my lap. Fuckin’ cat!

It’s like, what it is, it’s like… I know you’ve heard the phrase a thousand times, but it’s a rat race. So, where were we? Oh yeah. Mötley Crüe, Vince Neil. His autobiography, Tattoos & Tequila: To Hell and Back with One of Rock’s Most Notorious Frontmen, which came out a few months back. Unlike my fellow MetalSucks brethren, I actually used to like Vince Neil. [Uh... actually, we did, too, which is part of the reason we now give him so much shit! - Ed.] Hell, I even dressed up like him for a lip-synching contest way back in ’83. Even posted it here as one of my most embarrassing life moments. Lost to some teenyboppers singing Cyndi Lauper. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun…” What a crock! Should’ve gone with “Looks That Kill” instead of “Piece of Your Action.” My bad. Used to love going to Fast Times in Pasadena, Texas, where they had those contests. Teens trying to act like adults. Lots of hot chicks, bad hairstyles, and people who hated heavy metal. Losers.

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So Baz was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night (Fallon is a known hair metal enthusiast), providing vocals for a bit about having a power ballad for the Oregon Ducks. (In case you’re sportarded like I am, that’s a college football team.) And while it’s immediately better than that song Sevendust did for the Atlanta Falcons ’cause it’s intentionally funny, and is probably better than anything else Bach has done in some time for the same reason, I still think the gag gets old fast. But whatever keeps Sebitchin from biting people, I guess.

-AR

Thanks: metalgf

Why this song, why now? WSOU‘s Steve Stracq, a fellow Ratturday celebrator and surprisingly seasoned hair metal aficionado for his years, always seems to be playing this song whenever I tune in. Doesn’t matter when; I feel like every time I turn on SOU and hear Steve on the air there’s Dokken, and there’s “Breakin’ the Chains.”

But I don’t think I’ve ever seen the video until now. And… oh God, this video is horrible! Except for George Lynch’s chain-breaking guitar solo, which is full of pure, unadulterated win.

But I still got nothin’ but love for the song. This one’s for you, Steve… and if you’re DJing today or this weekend, spin this track for me! I know you’re reading this.

-VN

When Metal Sludge reminded us of its glory days last month with a new list of the Top 10 Drunkest Living Rock Stars of All Time I was surprised to see Bang Tango / Beautiful Creatures frontman Joe LeSte place #9. I mean it wouldn’t surprise me if he was a drunk, but could he really out-do Chris Holmes’ famous pool interview, ranked at #10?

Then I saw this footage, linked in the article:

Note his band members roll their eyes after being addressed as “fuckheads” following a minute of Joe’s drunken ranting. Followed by more ranting, more eye-rolling and a lame cover. With a missed intro cue. This video is sad in so many ways!

And then this:

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So MetalSucks Maniac Shane Gillis sent us a link to the below interview with Vince Neil, and while little to nothing of what Neil says is actually interesting, what is interesting is that Neil is clearly hammered. Either that, or he’s retarded. I mean, we’ve always known that Vince Neil is a little retarded (look at that downey face), but in this case, I think it’s safe to say that he’s smashed.

“Why is that interesting, Axl?” you ask. “Vince Neil is, like, always drunk, isn’t he?” Yes, that’s true. But as Mr. Gillis pointed out in his e-mail to us, at the end of the interview, Vince gets in his car to drive his lady friends home, presumably to re-create his sex tape with Janine Lindemulder and whomever the other chick with her face blurred out was. Since we haven’t heard that Neil died or killed anyone, presumably he made it home alright, but you do have to wonder: how many times is this asshole gonna get behind the wheel while he’s sloshed? He’s just not gonna be satisfied until he kills and/or cripples a few people AGAIN, is he? Why the fuck is he even still allowed to drive at this point? I mean, at this point, you wouldn’t ever send your kid over to go swimming in Tommy Lee’s pool, would you?

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

So I get this email with the above headline as the subject from Metal Sludge’s Stevie Rachelle yesterday and I’m thinking to myself, “Woah, a Top Ten list from Metal Sludge? What, it has to have been like 8 or 9 years since they’ve done one of these! Say it’s so!” Then I click the link (duh), and lo and behold: “We have not done one of these TOP 10 lists in oh, about 8-9 years. So it’s way past due. Metal Sludge’s official Top 10 Drunkest (Living) Rock Stars of All Time!” Alright! Party time! The Sludge is back!

And it’s just like the good ol’ days on Metal Sludge, rife with barbed insults, no punches pulled. Obviously most of the choices are pretty predictable — Vince “Skating Falling with the Stars” Neil is a drunkard, whodathunkit? and Perennial Sad Sack Steven Adler makes a nice showing for himself – but I don’t wanna ruin the rankings for you. Naturally W.A.S.P.’s Chris Holmes’ famous poolside interview, above, makes the cut too. Mandatory watching for those who haven’t seen it.

Hey kids: the tone and wit of Metal Sludge were a huge inspiration for this here metal blog, so do yer homework!

-VN

And that’s saying something.

I didn’t realize that Skating with the Stars was starting already, or I might have actually tuned in to watch Vince Neil make an ass out of himself. Luckily, we live in an era where everything is on the internet, and so Blabbahmouf has video of Neil, who apparently came in dead last in the competition after “falling more times during training than the rest of [the 'stars' on the show] combined.”

Watching the clip, it’s hard to believe that’s true. He skates with such panache! It’s not at all like someone put ice skates on a pig and told it to throw horns at the appropriate moment. No no no no no. This is bee-you-tee-full. In fact, someone call the rest of the band and tell them Vince has stumbled upon the next big touring idea: Cruefest on Ice.

-AR

Does Tommy Lee WANT me to hate him? When rumors of a Motley Crue/Poison tour in 2011 started to circulate earlier this week, I got all excited, both for the shows themselves, and for the rampant idiocy that would no doubt accompany those shows. Alas, Long Dong Tommy took to Twitter late Monday afternoon to put an end to my fantasies of Aqua Net and unprotected sex with strangers:

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According to Metal Undergound, Bret Michaels announced during a Canadian solo gig last night “that in celebration of Poison’s 25th anniversary, the band will be touring with fellow American rockers Motley Crue next year, who will themselves be celebrating their 30th anniversary.” That’s great news, unless you hate fun. Even with Vince Neil being bloated and winded, Tommy Lee devoting the remainder of his career to reenacting the C. Thomas Howell classic Soul Man, Mick Mars having less mobility than a corpse, and Poison being, y’know, Poison, it’s almost impossible for me to imagine this tour being anything less than awesome. Especially if they get another great glam band (by which I mean a band like Cinderella, not a latter-day cock rock wanna-be like Hinder or Saliva), to open. Seriously, just hook the alcohol dispenser up to my veins and let me go see this show. Hell, even if the just turned out to be a train wreck of drama and shit-talking, it would be awesome.

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When pairing with Allyson B. Crawford of Bring Back Glam! this summer, I knew I was bringing in a heavyweight expert on one of metal’s most deceptively awesome movements, Glam Metal. However, I couldn’t have predicted the chemistry and kinship that marked our four-part Most Essential Glam Metal Albums roundtable. (Okay, technically it was a rectangulartable. Revisit it here.) Allyson’s pet bands know well that she is a patient, positive ally to even the most commerce-blinded artist. Perhaps what is so admirable is her adherence to basic decency standards on the consequence-free internet. But back in July, it was these same values that muzzled my more vile observations, like those regarding the English language prowess of Sweden’s fantastically rad Crashdïet. Here’s what we did talk about:

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