MetalSucks

There are so many things wrong with this band that I don’t even know where to start. How about the music? We’re now approaching ridiculous levels of copy of a copy of a copy syndrome here when it comes to Swedish guitar-influenced metalcore riffing. Is there any that chance that the boys of Black Veil Brides have ever listened to At the Gates? Definitely not. In Flames and Soilwork? Possible, but highly unlikely. Shit, it’s possible these guys don’t even own any records by Killswitch Engage or Shadows Fall and that their style is based wholely upon emo-metal  bands like Underoath. So that makes this… a 5th generation rip-off? No wonder it’s so fucking terrible.

When I first saw this video I refrained from making them a “Shitstain” candidate because they’re so young and I felt bad. But fuck it.

Sleeve-tats-as-uniform on the 17 year old singer (bought with daddy’s money)… swoopy haircuts… the sunglasses on the (14 year old??) drummer… the Joker makeup… I could go on. This is like shooting fish in a barrel. Dear Black Veil Brides: when your 15 minutes are up because your 14 year old fans have matured, don’t be surprised.

-VN

Our friend Sergeant D at Metal Inquisition has taken it upon himself to make a bold claim: that Six Feet Under’s “Amerika the Brutal” is the worst death metal song of all-time. The Sarge writes:

Click to read more…

More crabcore. Don’t these kids realize that it’s never cool to copy something verbatim? Like, Attack Attack! did the crab-crouch thing; it’s retarded, but it’s their gimmick. Copying another band’s gimmick is even more retarded. Their name is retarded too, and I will most certainly not ever remember it. Fuck this band.

-VN

This is completely fucking offensive. More crabcore / flat-iron haircut / disco-dance garbage. Fuck this band. Fuck them in the ears.

-VN

This is not a test. This is a real music video. The year is not 1999. I could list the ways in which this band is terrible, but it’d just be too easy. I feel bad for Director George Burton who had to pretend to like this band and hide his laughs to get his payday. Looks like the guy actually had a decent production budget to work with, too.

This band apparently has a record deal that’s somehow connected to Universal. My head is spinning.

-VN

“dlux”

At least two of you have emailed us about this kid’s bedroom guitar cover of Attack Attack!’s “Stick Stickly.” When we first looked yesterday, the video had about 1,000 views… now it has 11,000, and I’m about to make it climb even higher.

This video just confirms what we’ve all known all along, which is that Attack Attack! (and other bands like them) are popular amongst 15 year olds not because of their completely generic music but because of their look, crab-crouch, and synchronized guitar swings. Total gimmick. This kid even does it all just like the band does in their terrible video, right down to the retarded disco dance at the end.

And here’s the worst part… 3 years from now this kid is going to realize what shitty taste in music he used to have, and he’ll go on to listen to bigger and better things (hopefully). He’ll be ashamed of this ridiculous piece of YouTube detritus and he’ll probably delete it to avoid embarrassment amongst his new college chums. Then, 5-10 years after that when he’s all growed up and has a job and possibly a family, he’ll be reminiscing about the glory days of Attack Attack! with some buddies over a few beers — as will his peers elsewhere across the U.S. — and boom, the screamo-crunk-whatever-core revival is born. UGH. FUCK ME! Life sucks.

Anyway, here it is…

Lambgoat is reporting that shitty faux-hardcore band Too Pure To Die have broken up. Oh well! For once I actually find myself agreeing with Lambgoat commenters. To wit, the first three responses to this announcement:

twadorno:
first post. excellent news.

youaresceneasfuck:
second post. excellent news.

Chomp_Chomp:
About fucking time. Not one sect of kids is bummed.

Fourth post. Excellent news!

-VN

If you make it past the nineteen second mark of this video, then you will have made it further than I did.

No thanks whatsoever to Joe Simpson for bringing these fucks to our attention.

-AR

If someone asked me to engage in a debate to determine what was the single greatest television comedy of all-time, a discussion of Arrested Development would, at the very least, be in order. For three (really two and a half) too-short seasons, the show was never anything less than genius. True Fucking Genius. The set-up for certain jokes was placed so far in advance that often you wouldn’t even realize there’d been a set-up until you had a second viewing. Every cast member was superb, every script a masterpiece. The show was too smart for its own good, and overlooked by viewers. I’m sure there are people who have seen the show and don’t like it, and those people are entitled to their opinion.

But I can’t take their opinion about any other work of art seriously. I don’t even think they’re dumb; I just know we’re clearly not in the same mind-set. I admire Arrested Development that much.

One of my favorite gags on AD involved a lawyer played by Scott Baio and named “Bob Loblaw” (say the syllables aloud if the joke isn’t immediately apparent). Here’s Bob Loblaw’s television commercial for his practice:

On the show, we also learn that Bob Loblaw runs a website – Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog.

And now I’ve found out that a terrible band, Run with the Hunted, has a song that takes its name from this fictional site:

Click to read more…

A reader calling him or herself “turkeyhead92″ sent us the below. I’m not sure if it’s the worst metal video ever made, but it is probably the worst black metal video I’ve ever viewed. From the TurboGrafx 16-worthy special effects to the sub-public access cinematography, everything about this is just bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad.

But… hilariously so.

-AR

I don’t want to spoil the surprise… just keep in mind that this is Attack Attack!, and then fast-forward to 1:05.

Whomever threw that shit, please e-mail me to claim a prize.

-AR

Thanks to Elise at Reign in Blonde for the tip!

Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s just sad. Sad that this band, The Flood, thinks they’re actually doing something original. Sad that they don’t realize they’re ripping off Tool in every way except they aren’t nearly as good. The press release I got about this band says they just wrapped up a tour Static X… hopefully they’ll go right out on another one so I don’t have to ever cross paths with either shitty band again. Jeez. This band is just downright offensive.

-VN

Not that it would wake him from his creative stupor (although it would be awesome if it turned out that all Metallica needed to make incredible records again is a little bit of pie), but, assuming he didn’t kick my ass afterwards, it would a) make me feel better about how let down I feel by Metallica and b) it would be a funny story to tell.

But the people in the below video aren’t throwing pie at Hetfield because he’s a mere whisp of his former self – they’re doing it to celebrate his 46th birthday.

Fuck me. Hetfield is 46.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

Over at Invisible Oranges, Cosmo Lee has increasingly been writing about metal life in addition to his usual reviews. The topic du jour is what happens when you love a band, but hate other fans of said band. Mr. Lee writes:

Recently I was walking and passed by fans exiting a Lamb of God show: dozens of young men with Affliction t-shirts and no necks. I shuddered and thought, “Man, I’m glad I wasn’t there.” Which is unfortunate, as I actually like Lamb of God. Then I shuddered at another thought. As a fellow fan, am I really like them? Am I somehow at heart a neck-less, Affliction-wearing young man?

Click to read more…

I remember getting to Ozzfest 2003 early enough to catch some key bands on the second stage – specifically, Voivod, Killswitch Engage, Chimaira and Shadows Fall – and I have some vague memories of some other band that played during the day whilst adorned in sub-Wes Borland grease paint that gave them the appearance of a group of Mushroomhead rejects. For years I’ve dismissed it as a false memory, born of my Jewish psychosis and too much drugs and alcohol, but, no, as it turns out, this wasn’t just some fever dream: the horrible, horrible band was called Motorgrater, and they are very, very real.

Click to read more…

Fuck this band. And fuck their stupid band photo.

I’m going to start a new type of metal called Sucidebombercore. I’ll tell you upfront that the music is going to be terrible, but since our only true purpose will be to kill all these other bands, you need not worry ’bout the quality.

-AR

Thanks to Claudio Ausili for the tip!

A new, disturbing trend or a one-off anomaly? Let’s hope for the latter. @EvilWes sent us a message on Twitter with an alarming and disturbing link to the MySpace page of a band who describe themselves as “New Orleans Bro-Core.” The band, The Unwilling Commencement, sound pretty much like what you’d expect something termed “Bro-Core” to sound like; guttural death metal growls and occasional rapping over continuous breakdowns and recycled metalcore riffs that serve as the actual breakdowns. T.U.C. lists Whitechapel, Winds of Plague, Emmure and Lil’ Wayne as their influences.

Fuck this band. Right?

-VN

Gentleman and lady, I give you Robots Go Beep!.

I’m not even going to say anything about this band because I know you all will take care of it… go!

-VN

[Thanks: Laura and AJ]

Interview with the lead singer of Attack! Attack! from hardtimes.ca:

There’s lots that I could say about this, but, really, the dude just hung himself, and it would be ungracious to kick him when he’s down.

Not that that will stop you from kicking him when he’s down.

And by the way, congrats to Ziltoid, whom I believe coined the phrase “crabcore,” on getting his shout-out as “some kid.” Zilty says he’s twenty and this dude is only eighteen, so, yeah, that’s funny, too.

-AR

Thanks to Mike Normandy for the tip.

Reasons Bonerott (MySpace, official website) is the funniest fucking thing I’ve heard in a long, long time*:

Click to read more…