MetalSucks

Mayhem have perhaps one of the longest and most sordid histories in all of metal. Motley Crue may have shoved half a phone up some poor girl’s vagina and made her call her mother (at least according to The Dirt) and Marilyn Manson may have been blamed by scheming politicians for Columbine, but members of Mayhem have actually killed themselves and/or one another. Most metal bands project some kind of “scary” image, but Mayhem are one of the few bands that are actually scary.

Everyone gets older, though, and the members of Mayhem are no different. No longer the bright-eyed, bushy tailed kids who recorded De Mysteriis Dom Sathana, the members of Mayhem have now been reduced to rebelling by destroying hotel rooms the way every other band does.

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Every now and then, something happens to make me feel like there really is some justice in the world.

So while it looks Limp Bizkit are going right back to being the mega-stars they never deserved to be in the first place, at least Creed – possibly one of the most worthless musical acts, like, ever – aren’t doing so hot.

From a recent news report on the band’s recent concert in Birmingham, Alabama:

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Full props to our bestest buds at Metal Injection for finding this pretty hilarious story.

So. I guess it’s Vice’s fifteenth anniversary, and to help celebrate, writer Chris Nieratko dug up a decade old, previously unpublished interview with a certain Behemoth front man. Now, Nieratko played a pretty mean-spirited trick on Nergal – whose first language isn’t English – but that doesn’t negate the fact that the results are fucking funny as hell.

Check out an excerpt:

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Q: What’s even more tasteless than making fun of cancer?

A: Metal Inquisition’s Sergeant D making fun of making fun of cancer!

How meta. So yeah Peter Criss has breast cancer. Hardee har har! Yuck it up, fuckos.

-VN

Evan Seinfeld and Tera Patrick have split up. Apparently it’s amicable. This means Tera will now be free to make porn with other dudes, like she did in her pre-Seinfeld days, while Evan will be free to make porn with other chicks, or medicore music with whatever band he’s doing these days. (Until I get that Biohazard/Onyx tour I’ve been begging for since ‘93, I don’t give a shit.)

It’s hard to believe that this relationship didn’t last. If a metal thug and a porn star who make a great deal of money filming themselves fucking can’t be happy together these days, then what hope is there for the rest of us?

Go here to watch Evan and Tera in happier times, sharing their love. Or, at least, Evan sharing his love all over Tera’s face. Needless to say, it’s NSFW.

-AR

Here’s Fred Durst back in July, shortly after he married Esther Nazarov (whomever the fuck she is):

“I love being married and I am the luckiest man alive to be so in love. It took me 38 years and was absolutely worth the wait. Every path has led me here. I’m hers, she’s mine, forever.”

And here’s Freddy yesterday:

“For those of you inquiring, I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support.”

By the way, he made that little announcement over Twitter. Classy.

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So, Marilyn Mansion has Swine Flu. This is very amusing. Says Manson, “I know everyone will suggest that fucking a pig is how this disease was obtained. However, the doctor said, my past choices in women have in no way contributed to me acquiring this mysterious sickness.”

Let’s have some fun with this, shall we? Let’s play a game where the object is to come up with Manson-related Swine Flu puns, and the prize is the satisfaction of knowing you’re hilarious. I’m gonna go first:

• The Beautiful Pig-Squeal
• Piggy Ramirez
• Eat Me, Eat Me
• The Pork Show

Now your turn… go!

-VN

This past Friday Axl and I participated in another of Noisecreep.com’s “Creep Cast” video podcasts (you can see my last appearance on the Creep Cast here). The guest artists of the week were Atreyu’s Alex Varkatzas and Brandon Saller, who both called in and participated in the entire half-hour show. It was kinda awkward for us (as I’m sure it was for them), but we all played nice and had a good time. The podcast will be posted later in the week, at which point you’ll definitely see it posted here.

So now that the niceties are out of the way, we can go back to making fun of Atreyu again! MetalSucks Maniac Tom Fassnidge sent in this clip of Atreyu bassist Marc McKnight dropping throwing his bass as the result of an exaggerated stage move at a 2008 gig in Biloxi, MS. It’s quite funny, and the crowd certainly seemed to enjoy it; McKnight seemed to have a good sense of humor about it too, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat and waiting on the side of the stage until his techs recovered his lost axe.

-VN

It’s certainly no secret that Dave Mustaine is a dick… just look at the seemingly endless feud between him and Kerry King. But the guy doing this interview for Rockerrazzi.com easily out-does Dave in the douche-tard department. The guy is completely unqualified; he asks “When was that?” when Mustaine tells him that Megadeth took Stone Temple Pilots out on their first tour, then quips that “You obviously had your shit together at the beginning,” as if Megadeth were newborns in 1992. But the best part by far is when the interviewer tells Dave that he’s heard that the new stuff “is quintessential Alice in Chains.” Dude. And to Dave’s credit, he totally rolls with it and doesn’t say a thing. Watch.

-VN

Following up on yesterday’s post about stage dives gone awry, reader Karel Goethals sent us the below video that a friend of his shot at a recent Faith No More reunion show at Pukkelpop in Belgium. Skip ahead to roughly the 2:40 mark to enjoy the hilarity of what looks like one of the most painful missed-dives pretty much ever. Even Jon Hudson’s reaction when he sees the jump is hilarious. And gotta give Patton mensch-points for personally checking to make sure the dude is okay.

Ouch.

-AR

Oh, Cosmo Lee. Every day your Invisible Oranges has something new I want to link to. Stop being so good, fucker.

Today Cosmo has had one of those ideas so simple you wonder why no one ever thought of it before: he’s collected a bunch of videos of stage dives gone awry for our viewing pleasure, and put them all in one spot. Brilliant, I say. BRILLIANT!

Here’s one such video:

Go over to Invisible Oranges to see more guffaw-worthy mishaps. I didn’t post the best one ’cause I want you all to visit Cosmo and tell him “hi.”

-AR

MetalSucks Maniac Jessica Kriplean sent this in. I’m not sure if it’s actually the worst metal video ever made, but it has to at least be a candidate to be reckoned with, no?

Bonus: hilarious misheard lyrics.

-AR

While a seemingly endless amount of terrible nu-metal bands are reuniting, one has decided to do us all a favor and call it quits: American Head Charge have broken up… sort of. See, it seems that vocalist Cameron Heacock is leaving the band, who will hire a new singer and change their name, in what I can only imagine is an attempt to make people forget that they’re American Head Charge. As though you’d forget that bitch who bit your cock during a BJ just ’cause she changed her hair color or something.

AHC’s first album, 2001’s <sarcasm>cleverly</sarcasm> titled The War of Art*, was produced by Rick Rubin, and the band had more than their fair shot at the big leagues: they opened for System of a Down and Slipknot, played Ozzfest, got played on Return of the Rock, etc. Unfortunately, they never took off, probably because they were just that terrible. Their subsequent albums… well, I wasn’t even positive they had subsequent albums. So there ya have it.

This song is called “Seamless.” To review: it is produced by the same guy who produced Reign in Blood.

Expect the remaining members of American Head Charge to announce a “reunion” after they realize that they can make more money using their original moniker sometime in the next six to twelve months.

-AR

*Almost as clever a title as Otep’s Sevas Tra. No wonder the two acts shared a guitar player.

I’d seen this clip of some brat whose highest aspiration in life is to be in Attack Attack! once before, but completely forgot about it until MetalSucks Maniac Daisy May Tinklepants reminded me.

Not only does this kid suck, but you have to wonder what in the fucking fuck he thought was going to happen here. Is there any world in which anything even remotely resembling screaming would do well on American Idol? Did he think winning would up his street cred? The simple fact that he tried out means that no respectable band in the world should ever want to work with him, ever, under any circumstances.

Simon and Paula and the other one are still massive tools, but give credit to this dude for making them look good.

-AR

So Blabbermouth posted this live footage of Lacuna Coil performing at the Graspop Metal Meeting in Belgium a few weeks back. I clicked, figuring I’d at least get to oggle at Cristina Scabbia; the one-camera shoot meant this ended up not being the case, but I at least got to hear her very sexy voice… and male vocalist Andrea Ferro’s vocal diarrhea.

True, soundboard recordings are always a mixed bag; you hear each instrument clearly, but you don’t necessarily hear them the way they sounded live because house engineers mix to the sound of the venue, not through headphones. But Ferro’s performance is just undeniably, horrifyingly god awful. “Spellbound” starts off innocently enough with the instrumental intro, after which Ferro takes a stab at his first verse. I don’t think it’s possible for him to sound any worse; I mean, it’s like… just BAD. How is this guy still in the band? And to make matters worse, Cristina Scabbia follows him with a chorus that sounds practically perfect, arresting as always, as if to say “This guy sucks so bad, doesn’t he?”

-VN

Our friend Dan Rodriguez at Metal Insider tells us that, according to WBIR-TV, ten people were arrested yesterday at the Knoxville stop of 10 for $10 tour, which offers – duh – ten hardcore bands (including Poison the Well and Madball) for the low low price of ten bucks. The charges range from disorderly conduct to inciting a riot; apparently, a fight broke out, and when the venue’s security guards attempted to intervene, even the fucking band jumped in to give them what-fo’.

But here’s the best part: the fight broke out at 3:30 pm… just as the first band on the bill was taking the stage. So that’s ten dollars well spent.

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There’s something reassuring about knowing that people one sometimes considers cooler than him or herself were not, in fact, always so cool.

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Last week, fat drunk fuck/on-again-off-again Warrant “vocalist” Jani Lane was arrested on a DUI charge; now The Detroit News is reporting that he owes $121,024 (geez that’s a precise number) in federal income taxes.

(The article’s author, Robert Snell, even makes a joke about Warrant’s debut album was called Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich. Oh, Robert, you scamp!)

All I can really say to this is: seriously, dude? I know that times are tough all around and Warrant ain’t the megastars they used to be, but come ON. You live on a liquid diet. Where is all the money going? And don’t try to tell me that this didn’t help pay the bills at all:

Even if all Arby’s paid you for the use of your masterpiece was a lifetime supply of Bacon Cheddar RoastBurgers – which, by all appearances, may very well be the case – then you’d still be saving cash.

Man. Some people just don’t know when they have it good.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

Here’s Mr. Michaels, post-Tony Awards snafu:

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When everyone in the band is a total moron who can’t keep his directions straight, you could, say, forget your cue and then have to race your backdrop to the platform you’re supposed to be standing on, and you could lose that race, and you could get hit on the head at a big awards show while millions of people are watching (Okay, it’s probably more like thousands of people. It is just the Tonys, after all. But still. Pretty embarrassing.).

By the way, LOVED Blabbermouth’s headline on this one:

POISON Singer Gets Laid Out By Stage Backdrop At TONY AWARDS; Video Available

Classic.

-AR