Friday, January 15th, 2010 at 3:42pm by Axl Rosenberg
Y’know, considering how many of you bitch about me writing about Guns N’ Roses too much, I sure do get a lot of GN’R-related e-mails.
Case in point: Axl Rose and company kicked off their Canadian tour earlier this week, and my inbox is suddenly flooded with messages that all say something to the effect of “OMG AXL IS SO FAT NOW LULZ!!!” And while I don’t know if “fat” is the word I’d use for how Axl’s looking this tour, I do know that I would never use the word “good,” either. Check out this photo from Rolling Drone:
Who does he look like these days? That’s right, you guessed it. He looks like -
Thursday, January 14th, 2010 at 9:24am by Axl Rosenberg
I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this, but I can’t help it.
Weedeater vocalist/bassist “Dixie” Dave Collins accidentally shot off his big toe this past weekend. That would be kinda funny in and of itself, but the real punchline comes when you find out that Collins wasn’t hunting or whatever when the incident took place – he was cleaning his favorite shotgun.
I, for one, happen to like Airbourne. Much like Doc Coyle, I generally can’t get behind bands who unscrupulously rehash their forebears, but for some reason in the case of Airbourne I find it acceptable. I’m not suggesting anyone raise them up on the “bringing back true rock n’ roll” alter, but at the very least Airbourne deserve a light (light!) pat on the back for capturing and reinvigorating the energy of vintage AC/DC.
But grammarians the band members are not. Phil Freeman of Heavy Metal Superfan points out that it’s all in the punctuation:
See, “No Guts, No Glory,” while trite as all hell, is at least a purposeful title that might conceivably inspire someone to purchase your album (out March 8 on Roadrunner) and enjoy your brand of fist-pumping, beer-guzzling rawk. But that wasn’t the path you chose. No, you went with…
No Guts. No Glory.
Whoopsie! Oh, the difference one piece of punctuation can make. And yes my grammar is always perfect, damnit.
Monday, December 21st, 2009 at 4:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
So apparently the source of the split between Evan Seinfeld (Biohazard/Damnocracy) and Tera Patrick (porn) was Patrick’s request that Seinfeld leave the adult film business. Says an evil tabloid owned by Rupert Murdoch:
Last week’s Worst Tattoo Ever of the Day post — in which some sucker drew with crayons tattooed his back with logos of ’80s hair metal bands from the most popular all the way down to Tora Tora — seems to have struck a nerve. The post elicited a healthy number of comments while being spread on the Interwebs via Twitter and Facebook. Whether people were laughing at this poor chap or laughing with him really matters not — regardless of whether your skin is virgin clean or you’ve got a few bad tattoos yourself, this shit’s kinda funny, right?
MS Maniac Ryan F. sent in a photo of a bad tattoo of his own doing, pictured above. Explains Ryan: “I bought a tattoo gun online for about 50 bucks and my friends and I used to get wasted and tattoo each other. I decided one night to get ‘What Would Phil Anselmo Do?’ down my leg.” I can see Ryan explaining this one when his grandkids ask, “Grandpa, who’s Phil Anselmo?” “Well, Phil Anselmo sang for this metal band and sometimes ranted and raved about white pride… err, um, nevermind.”
This is fun. I could see it becoming a regular series. Got a funny/bad/embarrassing metal tatoo? Send ‘em in to news [at] metalsucks [dot] net, or better yet post ‘em in the comments for all to see/laugh/excoriate.
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 at 10:00am by Axl Rosenberg
MetalSucks uber-Maniac Josh Kidd has recommended we check out Volbeat, whom he described as “Elvis metal.” (“Elviscore” would be inappropriate, since there’s no core whatsoever to the band’s sound.) I find that description about as enticing as the prospect of sitting through Metallica playing the entire St. Anger album live, but out of respect to Josh I did give Volbeat a listen, and, yeah, they’re not good. I hate Michael Poulsen’s vocals. Hate ‘em. It’s like someone took a moose rock singer and stuck him in a slightly more interesting band than, say, Nicklesuck or Theory of a Dead Suck or whatever. Not. For. Me.
Still, I don’t wish any will upon Mr. Poulson, who made headlines this week when he collapsed on-stage. Apparently the dude is okay and just has the flu or something, but still, that sucks.
Of course, it’s not gonna keep anybody from rubbernecking! So here’s video of the collapse. Skip to the 2:30 mark to see Poulson hit the stage (literally). And, by all means, feel free to tell me why I’m missing the mark on this band in our comments section below.
Monday, November 16th, 2009 at 11:00am by Axl Rosenberg
Mayhem have perhaps one of the longest and most sordid histories in all of metal. Motley Crue may have shoved half a phone up some poor girl’s vagina and made her call her mother (at least according to The Dirt) and Marilyn Manson may have been blamed by scheming politicians for Columbine, but members of Mayhem have actually killed themselves and/or one another. Most metal bands project some kind of “scary” image, but Mayhem are one of the few bands that are actually scary.
Everyone gets older, though, and the members of Mayhem are no different. No longer the bright-eyed, bushy tailed kids who recorded De Mysteriis Dom Sathana, the members of Mayhem have now been reduced to rebelling by destroying hotel rooms the way every other band does.
Monday, November 2nd, 2009 at 11:30am by Axl Rosenberg
Every now and then, something happens to make me feel like there really is some justice in the world.
So while it looks Limp Bizkit are going right back to being the mega-stars they never deserved to be in the first place, at least Creed – possibly one of the most worthless musical acts, like, ever – aren’t doing so hot.
From a recent news report on the band’s recent concert in Birmingham, Alabama:
Friday, October 30th, 2009 at 2:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
Full props to our bestest buds at Metal Injection for finding this pretty hilarious story.
So. I guess it’s Vice‘s fifteenth anniversary, and to help celebrate, writer Chris Nieratko dug up a decade old, previously unpublished interview with a certain Behemoth front man. Now, Nieratko played a pretty mean-spirited trick on Nergal – whose first language isn’t English – but that doesn’t negate the fact that the results are fucking funny as hell.
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 at 2:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
Evan Seinfeld and Tera Patrick have split up. Apparently it’s amicable. This means Tera will now be free to make porn with other dudes, like she did in her pre-Seinfeld days, while Evan will be free to make porn with other chicks, or medicore music with whatever band he’s doing these days. (Until I get that Biohazard/Onyx tour I’ve been begging for since ’93, I don’t give a shit.)
It’s hard to believe that this relationship didn’t last. If a metal thug and a porn star who make a great deal of money filming themselves fucking can’t be happy together these days, then what hope is there for the rest of us?
Go here to watch Evan and Tera in happier times, sharing their love. Or, at least, Evan sharing his love all over Tera’s face. Needless to say, it’s NSFW.
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009 at 12:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
Here’s Fred Durst back in July, shortly after he married Esther Nazarov (whomever the fuck she is):
“I love being married and I am the luckiest man alive to be so in love. It took me 38 years and was absolutely worth the wait. Every path has led me here. I’m hers, she’s mine, forever.”
And here’s Freddy yesterday:
“For those of you inquiring, I will confirm that Esther and I have decided to go our separate ways and we both thank you for your support.”
By the way, he made that little announcement over Twitter. Classy.
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 at 11:00am by Vince Neilstein
So, Marilyn Mansion has Swine Flu. This is very amusing. Says Manson, “I know everyone will suggest that fucking a pig is how this disease was obtained. However, the doctor said, my past choices in women have in no way contributed to me acquiring this mysterious sickness.”
Let’s have some fun with this, shall we? Let’s play a game where the object is to come up with Manson-related Swine Flu puns, and the prize is the satisfaction of knowing you’re hilarious. I’m gonna go first:
This past Friday Axl and I participated in another of Noisecreep.com’s “Creep Cast” video podcasts (you can see my last appearance on the Creep Cast here). The guest artists of the week were Atreyu’s Alex Varkatzas and Brandon Saller, who both called in and participated in the entire half-hour show. It was kinda awkward for us (as I’m sure it was for them), but we all played nice and had a good time. The podcast will be posted later in the week, at which point you’ll definitely see it posted here.
So now that the niceties are out of the way, we can go back to making fun of Atreyu again! MetalSucks Maniac Tom Fassnidge sent in this clip of Atreyu bassist Marc McKnight dropping throwing his bass as the result of an exaggerated stage move at a 2008 gig in Biloxi, MS. It’s quite funny, and the crowd certainly seemed to enjoy it; McKnight seemed to have a good sense of humor about it too, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat and waiting on the side of the stage until his techs recovered his lost axe.
It’s certainly no secret that Dave Mustaine is a dick… just look at the seemingly endless feud between him and Kerry King. But the guy doing this interview for Rockerrazzi.com easily out-does Dave in the douche-tard department. The guy is completely unqualified; he asks “When was that?” when Mustaine tells him that Megadeth took Stone Temple Pilots out on their first tour, then quips that “You obviously had your shit together at the beginning,” as if Megadeth were newborns in 1992. But the best part by far is when the interviewer tells Dave that he’s heard that the new stuff “is quintessential Alice in Chains.” Dude. And to Dave’s credit, he totally rolls with it and doesn’t say a thing. Watch.
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 at 12:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
Following up on yesterday’s post about stage dives gone awry, reader Karel Goethals sent us the below video that a friend of his shot at a recent Faith No More reunion show at Pukkelpop in Belgium. Skip ahead to roughly the 2:40 mark to enjoy the hilarity of what looks like one of the most painful missed-dives pretty much ever. Even Jon Hudson’s reaction when he sees the jump is hilarious. And gotta give Patton mensch-points for personally checking to make sure the dude is okay.
Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 at 3:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
Oh, Cosmo Lee. Every day your Invisible Oranges has something new I want to link to. Stop being so good, fucker.
Today Cosmo has had one of those ideas so simple you wonder why no one ever thought of it before: he’s collected a bunch of videos of stage dives gone awry for our viewing pleasure, and put them all in one spot. Brilliant, I say. BRILLIANT!
Here’s one such video:
Go over to Invisible Oranges to see more guffaw-worthy mishaps. I didn’t post the best one ’cause I want you all to visit Cosmo and tell him “hi.”
Tuesday, August 25th, 2009 at 2:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
MetalSucks Maniac Jessica Kriplean sent this in. I’m not sure if it’s actually the worst metal video ever made, but it has to at least be a candidate to be reckoned with, no?
Tuesday, August 11th, 2009 at 1:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
While a seemingly endless amount of terrible nu-metal bands are reuniting, one has decided to do us all a favor and call it quits: American Head Charge have broken up… sort of. See, it seems that vocalist Cameron Heacock is leaving the band, who will hire a new singer and change their name, in what I can only imagine is an attempt to make people forget that they’re American Head Charge. As though you’d forget that bitch who bit your cock during a BJ just ’cause she changed her hair color or something.
AHC’s first album, 2001′s <sarcasm>cleverly</sarcasm> titled The War of Art*, was produced by Rick Rubin, and the band had more than their fair shot at the big leagues: they opened for System of a Down and Slipknot, played Ozzfest, got played on Return of the Rock, etc. Unfortunately, they never took off, probably because they were just that terrible. Their subsequent albums… well, I wasn’t even positive they had subsequent albums. So there ya have it.
This song is called “Seamless.” To review: it is produced by the same guy who produced Reign in Blood.
Expect the remaining members of American Head Charge to announce a “reunion” after they realize that they can make more money using their original moniker sometime in the next six to twelve months.
-AR
*Almost as clever a title as Otep’s Sevas Tra. No wonder the two acts shared a guitar player.
Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 at 4:35pm by Axl Rosenberg
I’d seen this clip of some brat whose highest aspiration in life is to be in Attack Attack! once before, but completely forgot about it until MetalSucks Maniac Daisy May Tinklepants reminded me.
Not only does this kid suck, but you have to wonder what in the fucking fuck he thought was going to happen here. Is there any world in which anything even remotely resembling screaming would do well on American Idol? Did he think winning would up his street cred? The simple fact that he tried out means that no respectable band in the world should ever want to work with him, ever, under any circumstances.
Simon and Paula and the other one are still massive tools, but give credit to this dude for making them look good.
