Still have no idea what to get your loved one this Valentine’s Day? How about buying them a special Valentine’s Day-themed SLAYER t-shirt with a FREE Slayer condom? That’s right, folks: you could be dipping your Slayer-adorned dong in your lady’s pink clam while yelling “Fucking Slaaaaaayyyyyerrrrr!” at the top of your lungs and you’d actually be telling the truth. That’s a once in a lifetime opportunity that seems too good to pass up!

Visit the Slayer webshop to take advantage of this special deal (which, at $26.99 per shirt plus an item that’s given away for free at most bars, actually isn’t a very special deal at all). There’s one t-shirt design for men and one for women, so whichever way you swing there’s something for your partner (but let’s be honest, we know for a fact that 90% of MetalSucks readers are dudes).

Upon closer inspection, the condom actually just looks like a regular Durex in Slayer packaging. Man, they really missed an opportunity to make something especially sick and twisted. So, if you’re really hard up for a gift and your loved one likes Slayer… buy an overpriced t-shirt.

-VN

So, hey, remember that awesome Larry David/Motörhead shirt mash-up that Vince discovered a couple of years back? Sure you do — friggin’ thing is hilarious. And if you live in NYC and have been to a show since the shirt’s release, chances are you’ve even seen Vince wearing it a few times. I mean, the thing was practically made for Vince.

ANYWAY, now there are two more shirts from the same designer, and while neither one is quite as cool, they’re still both pretty rockin’. The first amalgamates Louis C.K. and The Dead Kennedys, while the second melds Sam Kinison — possibly my favorite stand-up of all time — with with Samhain. You can check ‘em out below, or order them for yourself here. They’re only fifteen bucks each (not counting tax and shipping and handling), but they’re also super limited edition — as of this writing, there’s only seven of the Louis C.K. shirts left! — so go get on that shit ASAP, ya heard?

-AR

[via Badass Digest]

I’ve never gotten into Doctor Who, but if you have, maybe you’ll enjoy this? It’s a mash-up of the long-running British sci-fi series and — duh — the cover of Guns N’ Roses’ Appetite for Destruction. And the best part is, for today only, it’s just ten bucks. Get one here.

Speaking of Appetite parody tees: we’ve got a few of the MetalSucks “Appetite for Deconstructions” shirts left, too. Order one before they’re gone… foh-evah!

-AR

[via Topless Robot]

You read that right: more than two years after launching the first line of MetalSucks merch, we are retiring these designs forever before doin’ up some awesome new ones in 2012. That means if you’ve ever wanted a Sergeant D. t-shirt, or a Completely Unreadable hoodie, or one of those awesome skull shirts by Rodney Githens from Vertebrae 33 and Metal Band Art, well… this is your last chance to dance!

The happy news is that we’re now discounting ALL of this fine merch, so you can grab these items before they’re gone at a discount. T-shirts, which used to range from $13 – $15, are now just $10; hoodies, which used to cost $30, are now just $20. (Shipping + handling not included.) Not bad, right?

Go here to browse and place your order. They make wonderful holiday presents, bar mitzvah gifts, and proposal offerings in lieu of a diamond ring. But be forewarned: if there’s something you want, you’d better act fast, ’cause once this batch of merch is gone, these designs are done for all time!!! This special deal ends at midnight on December 25th.

You read that right: more than two years after launching the first line of MetalSucks merch, we are retiring these designs forever before doin’ up some awesome new ones in 2012. That means if you’ve ever wanted a Sergeant D. t-shirt, or a Completely Unreadable hoodie, or one of those awesome skull shirts by Rodney Githens from Vertebrae 33 and Metal Band Art, well… this is your last chance to dance!

The happy news is that we’re now discounting ALL of this fine merch, so you can grab these items before they’re gone at a discount. T-shirts, which used to range from $13 – $15, are now just $10; hoodies, which used to cost $30, are now just $20. (Shipping + handling not included.) Not bad, right?

Go here to browse and place your order. They make wonderful holiday presents, bar mitzvah gifts, and proposal offerings in lieu of a diamond ring. But be forewarned: if there’s something you want, you’d better act fast, ’cause once this batch of merch is gone, these designs are done for all time!!! This special deal ends at midnight on December 25th.

In celebration of their 21 years (!) as a label, Relapse Records is having a gigantic sale that no metalhead in their right mind will be able to pass up. For 21 straight days, Relapse will be making one album available each day for the so-low-your-balls-are-basically-dangling-all-the-way-to-the-floor price of 21 cents. Just 21 cents for a frickin’ album! For an actual, real, physical CD no less, meaning this is a great opportunity for all you to collectors to fill those holes in your CD walls.

There’s a small catch: in order to trigger the 21 cent album download each day, you’ve got to buy something else in the Relapse store. But considering Relapse is running another sale in which they’re offering all Relapse Records titles for 50% off (other than 2011 releases), this remains a deal for the ages! May as well buy a few other CDs at 50% off while you’re there, right?

Relapse is revealing each 21 cent album every day at noon via their Facebook and Twitter, so make sure you’re following both; one title will be on sale from noon ’til midnight each day, starting with a Relapse release from 1990 and counting up chronologically over the course of 21 days to a 2011 release to be revealed on December 2nd, thus ending the sale. They’re already a week into this madness, so while we’re a little behind the ball it’s never too late to start working out deals. Today’s deal is Nile’s Black Seeds of Vengeance, so get on that shit.

-VN

I’ve never heard of Agent Provocateur before, but No Clean Singing describes the company as “ a UK-based maker of high-end lingerie… for people with more money than sense.” Which, I am now inclined to say, is probably true of the folks who run the company as well.

‘Cause apparently Agent Provocateur’s Creative Director, Sarah Shotton, decided to hire this director Justin Anderson to make a commercial which, according to Anderson, is “like listening to Slayer whilst reading Italian Vogue.” Which seems like the dumbest idea ever to be, because a) the spot is not going to appeal to women who buy lingerie because they need it, b) men who buy lingerie for their women aren’t going to care about anything other than how well said lingerie highlights the goodies, and c) your average death metal fan absolutely cannot afford Agent Provocateur’s crap anyway (this bra costs more than my entire wardrobe, for example).

All of that being said, if you’re curious about the spot and/or just feel like you wanna look at some boobies (’cause nothing sells lingerie like an absence of lingerie!), you can check out the NSFW spot below. The music is by a French band called Omaha Bitch, by the way.

If anyone can make a solid argument that this is actually an effective ad campaign, I’d love to hear it.

-AR

An artist named Alex Pardee made the above print, and I don’t think that there would be anything especially remarkable about it… if not for the fact that it’s entitled Captain Kirk Cobain.

Now, I think enough time has passed that making jokes about how Kurt Cobain was killed by Courtney Love himself is perfectly permissible — but it would be really swell if those jokes could be, y’know, funny. Because the whole gag here is that the names “Kirk” and “Kurt” share two letters. That’s the kind of joke Dane Cook would make. Sheesh.

Cry outrage or something else in the comments section below. If you’re really so inclined, you can order one of these prints here for the low low cost of $65 + shipping & handling + never ever knowing the touch of a woman again.

-AR

[via Badass Digest]

The older I get the last attached I become to material possessions. It all started when I moved three years ago and had the epiphany that lugging multiple gigantic boxes of CDs around with me for life was pointless when I could enjoy all that music just the same on one device the size of a small book. Since then, getting rid of shit has become something of an obsession; it’s gotten to the point where I’m actively and constantly trying to get rid of all but the stuff I really need in my day-to-day life. Only problem is that I’m way too sentimental and can’t bare to part with certain items (like the signed Brian Schneider baseball that’s sitting on my desk! wtf do I need this thing for?). But I’m getting there, slowly and surely.

Back in my less curmudgeonly days I surely would’ve drooled all over my keyboard at the news of the above Ziltoid puppet, available through Devin Townsend’s UK webshop. I admit, it IS pretty fucking cool, so while I don’t feel like I need yet another item that’ll sit on a shelf collecting dust that won’t stop me from buying it as a gift for a fellow DT lover and item collector. If you’re a girl, maybe this would make a great holiday gift for your metalhead guy; imagine all the sexy-time role play fun you can have with this! Actually… yuck.

-VN

[via Heavy Blog]

Metropolis Pt 2: Scenes From a Memory stands as Dream Theater’s best album, the crowning accomplishment of a lengthy career that itself is quite the crowning accomplishment. It’s rare that a band’s 5th album — or 4th, or 3rd, or 6th — is the one that’s almost universally considered their best (“I only ever really liked their FIRST album, brah!”), but amongst Dream Theater fans the opinion is nearly unanimous: Scenes From a Memory was (and still is) beyond incredible. I know it, you know, the band members themselves know it.

So it’s fitting that Dream Thater has decided to reissue Scenes as a 2x LP gatefold 180 gram vinyl set. Bonerz!

Click to read more…

Some will say that it’s hypocritical of me to make fun of Bret Michaels for launching Pets Rock, a line of “rock and roll pet gear” that will be sold exclusively at Pet Smart stores starting next summer, even though I love Ben Weinman’s Garmutt apparel for dogs. But I assert that there are three key differences between the two companies, besides the fact that, y’know, Weinman is brilliant and Michaels is not so much brilliant. And those differences are as follows:

1. Like I said, Michaels’ products will be sold exclusively at Pet Smart; Garmutt only sells to “independent brick-and-mortar retailers… [not] big-box pet chains.” Point: Garmutt.
2. The name “Garmutt” is witty. The name “Pets Rock” clearly took all of two seconds for some schmoe to think up. I haven’t seen the Pets Rock products yet, but I’d wager we’ll be able to say the same about those items, too; Garmutt is famous for their “Master of Puppies” dog hoodies, but I bet the best thing Michaels’ team will come up will be something about cats and pussies. Point: Garmutt.
3. Weinman is a known animal lover who has done work for PETA. Michaels, meanwhile, has been mercilessly slaughtering golden retriever puppies for years in order to continue manufacturing his wigs. Dude wasn’t even nice to the dogs he slept with on Rock of Love. Point: Garmutt.

I defy you to argue against my logic. It simply cannot be done.

-AR

[via Noisecreep]

I frequent Tumblr every once in a while for the usual dose of cute cat antics and half-naked men. Occasionally, a hot metal (female) babe pops up on my feed. This in and of itself is not so surprising, since I actually follow Metal Babes. I have a delightful friend who is often posted there. Pictures on the Internet never stay contained though, and one particular image of her got passed around and garnered many, many notes. Mostly because she’s a pretty girl wearing a Lamb of God shirt, which automatically means she doesn’t really like the band, she’s just doing it for fashion.

Well, that’s just silly. Why would a pretty girl work to impress the most socially awkward of music fans? Yeah, stereotypes work both ways. However, it is kind of apparent that metal has become a fashion statement, and according to a recent piece on Metal Army, a really popular one.

Click to read more…

I was bored and clicking around on the Internet like you do, when I discovered two things on the Crashdiet site. First of all, I realized what their merch mascot reminds me of. I love you, Crashdiet and your extremely marketable new singer, but, um, you’re sort of ripping off The Casualties.

To be fair, every other punk band has done it too (The Exploited, Bad Religion, etc.,) but to be even fairer, you’re not punk.

Click to read more…

Slayer now sell condoms in their webstore — “For when you’re going South of Heaven.” Seriously.

They come in packs of three or six; a three pack of Durex condoms with no Slayer logo on it will run you about two bucks, so, of course, a three pack of Durex condoms with a Slayer logo will cost you about thirteen bucks. Makes sense. Like charging twice as much for Monopoly because Metallica’s logo is on it.

And it’s worth noting that, unlike Kiss Kondoms, the band’s logo/likeness/whatever isn’t on the condom itself — so you’re literally paying more than six times what the things usually go for just to have the band’s emblem on the package you’re going to open (very likely in the dark, where you can’t see it too well anyway) and then discard.

So. Fucking. Lame.

-AR

[Via Metal Insider, who came up with a pretty joke about menstruation, too!]

You thought that Sergeant D.’s line of Burzum clothing was all some bullshit joke? Well think again: the Sarge himself e-mailed us this photo he found on Tumblr of a nice young lady making her daddy proud by modeling this Burzum skirt. And the pic is already a million times better than any Burzum album (although we hear that the skirt, too, hates Jews).

Hopefully her next pics will feature her modeling the Burzum yoga pants or, better still, the Burzum thong.

-AR

…there’s now a Kiss urn, too.

And I can’t decide if I think this is more or less offensive than the Kiss Koffin. On the one hand, spending any extra amount of money to have anything put on a box which is literally going to be placed in the ground never to be seen again strikes me as an incredible waste of resources. On the other hand, at least if you’re buried in a Kiss Koffin, your family won’t have to actually look at Kiss all the time. I mean, do you seriously want your loved ones forever associating your memory with Chaim Witz and Stanley Eisen? What are you, from the Bronx in 1963?

If you really, really hate poor people and starving children and cancer research, you can purchase one of these bad boys here for a mere $650. Or you can just e-mail me and I’ll draw a picture of Kiss on a shoebox and mail it to you for sixty-five cents.

-AR

AC/DC and Metallica are similar in a lot of ways: their creative heyday is behind them, for example, and they, too, have a massive fan base with enough stupid people who will buy anything with their logo on it to ensure that they will never go hungry.

But AC/DC are also different from Metallica in a lot of ways: they don’t ever come across as total dicks, for example, and their live shows are not embarrassing. In fact, AC/DC live is still an awesome experience that every man, woman, and child should experience at least once before they die.

And so: AC/DC, like Metallica, have now released their own version of the classic board game Monopoly, which, like Metallica’s version of the game, is really not at all different from the original Monopoly, save for the pieces are a little different, the names of the properties players need to collect are a little different, and the game is more expensive.

Unlike Metallica, though, AC/DC are only charging about fifty percent more than the “classic” edition’s price for their version of the game, whereas Metallica are charging roughly one-hundred percent more. Unless you want a special edition which comes with a DVD and a t-shirt, but when you toss those items in, the new price actually seems kinda reasonable.

You can order regular AC/DC Monopoly here, or the special edition here. Although, really, don’t order it. Children are starving, y’know?

-AR

[via Metal Underground]

The Metallica-themed edition of the board game Monopoly costs more than twice as much as “classic” Monopoly, but the extra cash is totes worth it, ’cause the game comes with pieces that are vaguely related to Metallica, and all the real state has now been named after the band’s songs! Still, some people were bound to purchase it, because some people will buy anything with their favorite band’s logo on it.

And, indeed, some Venezuelan guy ordered a copy, and was even so helpful as to make a video of himself opening the box for the very first time. Y’know, so the rest of us could see how he wasted his money. In fact, just to make things extra-exciting, he set the video to Death Magnetic‘s “Suicide & Redemption,” I assume because it took him ten minutes to open the toy, he needed an track of appropriate length, and he has either never heard “To Live is to Die,” or doesn’t know how to use basic video editing software.

In any case, if you’re bored, this happened. And if you’re stupid, you can order your own copy of Metopoly here.

-AR

[via Metal Injection]

You guys have been e-mailing us all week about Pop Chart Labs’ “Periodic Table of Heavy Metals,” so I’m basically writing about it to make the e-mails stop. It’s a funny idea, but the execution doesn’t do much for me, and I don’t what the fuck Grand Funk Railroad are doing on here. I mean, why don’t they just give Jethro Tull a Grammy for Best Metal Performance?

Click on the image below to see it big big big, or order one here.

-AR

Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli…

By now you know that our latest Decibel tee pays direct homage to Chuck Schuldiner’s unfuckwithable Death. Here are a few words with the shirt’s designer, gnarly underground visual artist Aye Jay .

What inspired you to pitch a Death-themed Decibel shirt?

My friend Aaron Horkey — who is much more of a metal authority and much better artist — got me reading the mag, so I was inspired to get into contact. I’ve done a series of comedy-meets-metal/punk T-shirts with Shirts and Destroy (think Larry David + Motörhead = Larrydavhead), so when I started talking to Decibel, it only seemed natural to make a shirt along those same lines, especially since the letters are so similar between the two. Also, I thought it would be funny to have the reaper reading the mag, ’cause what is he really gonna read in his downtime? Rolling Stone?

What is it about the Death logo that makes it iconic so many years after the fact?

Much like the band, the logo is timeless, raw and knocks the brain around a bit. My only regret is not getting the spider webs from the older version of the logo in there.

Click to read more…