MetalSucks

Oh man. This is gonna be such a complete shitshow. Earlier today Kip posted about our pending Midwest / Southern adventure… and yeah, shit’s gonna be nuts. Here’s how it’s gonna go down! (Kip… you taking notes?)

This afternoon, Kip Wingerschmidt and I will fly to Columbus, OH. We’ll have one night of relative calm before the shitstorm really hits at tomorrow’s Scion Rock Fest (download a nifty one-page printable schedule here), featuring Cannibal Corpse, Shrinebuilder, Voivod, Absu, Brutal Truth and a ton more brutality. Sometime tomorrow Anton Oyvey, Rich Hallford and friend O’ MetalSucks Mark Lafayowitz will arrive from Indianapolis, where they’ll have just stopped in to pick up The Beast (pictured), a truck that’s been retrofitted as a tour bus. On Sunday morning we’ll start our road trip down to Austin, TX for SXSW. On the way we’ll be stopping/drinking/bourboning/steaking/grilling/partying in the following cities:

Sunday: Bardstown, KY + Nashville, TN
Monday: Memphis, TN, Little Rock, AR
Tuesday: Dallas, TX
Wednesday-Sunday: Austin, TX (SXSW)

We’ll be Twittering, Flipcamming and updating from the road. Be sure to holler at us if you have any recommendations for places to eat, beverages to drink, herbal supplements to supply or sites to see. Kip & I will be holding it down for MetalSucks in SXSW at both MetalSucks-sponsored events — Full Metal Texas and the Prosthetic Records Showcase — so look for us there and, of course, at tons of other shows as well (MetalSucks-approved SXSW schedule here!).

After the jump…. the tour bus’s fortress of solitude…

-VN

Click to read more…

So yeah, I’ve been gone, like, forever. Here’s what I’ve been up to:

• I spent four days in Los Angeles, where the heavens proceeded to dump ridiculous amounts of rain upon this usually-sunny city every single day. And it was cold. What the fuck?
• I begged metal record labels to keep giving us ad money so I can continue to work in my underwear every day.
• I finally met Satan Rosenbloom, Anso DF and Bob Cock. They rulez!
• I went to an L.A. Kings game in which the home team got stomped by their in-state rivals from San Jose. It was a no contest, but the beer was flowin’ and the times were fun. Thanks for the hook-up, you know who you are.
• I went on tour with The Metal As Art Tour featuring Hypno5e, Revocation and The Binary Code. Getting to see all three bands every night was such a treat… goddamn, they are all so fucking tight right now it’s ridiculous. Total road warriors.
• Made lots of poop and fart jokes in the van.
• Partied a lot and enjoyed the unbelievably high quality herbals the west coast has to offer! That medical shit is everywhere.
• Saw some of the most amazing scenery the U.S has to offer including all of California’s Central Valley, the Sierra Mountains, Shasta National Park and the wilds of the Pacific Northwest. Battled through several snowstorms in the process.
• Got stupid in San Diego, stoned in Oakland, freaked out about the rampant and obvious meth use in Reno, NV.
• Hung out in San Francisco and Portland, OR. Got shat on by a bird in the former and enjoyed the delicious food trucks in the latter.
• Drove up to Seattle and flew home on the red eye from there…

And now I’m back at the Mansion. About that no pants thing, I’m actually wearing pants at the moment. Fixing that situation right… now!

-VN

It’s unclear yet whether Axl will be able to un-bury himself from the cavalcade of hookers I’ve sent into the Axl Annex of the MS Mansion today. I think he said something about wanting to post a little bit today despite the depression induced by being one day closer to death, but he’s not returning my pneumatic tube messages and the smell of cheap perfume is so overwhelming I can’t get within 50 feet of his door. I’ma try and send Higgins over there to see wassup but at the very least you MS faithfaul will be able to enjoy some QT with good ol’ Uncle Vince today.

Happy birthday, Axl!

-VN

What you are about to read, dear MetalSucks Maniac, is an actual account of events leading up to the recovery of secret, well0-guarded Decibel Magazine texts. It involves a lot of ninja-spy amazingness and even now the authorities are closing in on the MetalSucks West Coast Bureau offices, so let’s skip further formality and get on with the story. I swear it’s all true. Here goes:

Over the course of my usual holiday-season stalking, I was able to um gain entry cough cough to this year’s Decibel holiday party and rodeo event at the Belmopan Sheraton in sunny Belize. Spirits were high among the Decibelerinas following another banner year, which closed with their awesome Top 100 Greatest Metal Albums of the Decade special issue. So I was able to glide unnoticed among the drunken revelers until I espied my quarry: editor-in-chief Albert Mudrian.

Mudrian stood distractedly touching up that morning’s no-polish manicure beside a ice sculpture of nude Jake Bannon. Few live larger than fancy metal journalists who work with actual pages and binding, so it was understandable that the tipsy Mudrian immediately mistook me for his valet and demanded that I resume fanning him with palm fronds. Rushing to my new post, I seductively cooed that the Top 100 issue was the greatest possible holiday gift to devotees of an art form so reluctant to celebrate itself. Mudrian spat angrily: “Dost thou not think that our scribes lavished accolades too unreservedly on those practitioners of the hardcore, metalcore, and stoner metals?” After conceding that I had indeed heard such talk, I quickly demurred, muttering something about the proliferation of opinions being exactly equal to that of stinky assholes.

It was then that, with a guffaw, Mudrian confided that it had once been Decibel’s intention to publish not merely one hundred, but actually the top 110 metal records of the decade. And that space considerations lead to the excision of albums 101-110. A few hand-fed grapes later, he disclosed to me the location of the list’s unpublished portion. But, alas, as I began to coax from him the albums’ titles, his real manservant returned all disheveled and rubbing a knob on his head where I’d smashed a vase. I bolted. But then I hatched a plan.

First, I satellite-phoned Vince and Axl. “Meet me at Decibel Gardens,” I gasped after briefing them on my discovery. “We have to sneak into the lower depths of the DecibelPlex and hack into the Decibot. It is there that we’ll find out the identity of the other ten greatest metal albums of the decade.”

Hours later, as Axl stood atop a pile of subdued security thugs, Vince calmly hacked into the mainframe and activated the Decibot’s encrypted archives. (You thought those guys are merely a couple of pretty faces? Pfft.) Once the files were successfully beamed to the MetalSucks Mansion servers, the three of us withdrew along the compound’s south plaza and choppered out to safety (pilot: Gary Suarez, natch).

And now, 72 hours later and as federal agents – led by Mudrian’s merciless goon squad – have surrounded the MS West Coast Bureau, I’m unrepentant and secure in the knowledge that the writers of America’s definitive metal periodical did not disrespect or overlook the absolutely no-duh classic metal albums listed after the jump; they simply ran out of space.

And so, we present Decibel Magazine’s 100-110 Greatest Metal Albums of the Decade as stolen from the bowels of Decibel headquarters [with speculative commentary by ADF - Ed.]. Don’t thank us – just donate often to the MetalSucks defense fund. Click to read more…

Click to read more…

Axl and Vince really kept us busy this year with all the great stuff coming out, but it was worth it; those guys really feed us THE best bananas money can buy. We’re not kidding… Grade A stuff, perfectly ripe, and full of flavor.

It was tough, but we’ve narrowed down the year’s metal releases to only twenty. Here they are:

Click to read more…

Friendly reminder: our own Vince Neilstein will be DJing “Heavy Metal Happy Hour” this Friday the 13th at The Arrow Bar in Manhattan (Ave A and 5th St., downstairs). All drinks are 2-for-the-price-of-1 from 6pm-9pm, and Vince will be spinning the best of 2009’s metal offerings. At least for the first two hours, after which he’ll surely break down and start playing Ratt and Skid Row. Come on down and get your drink on, and since your inhibitions will be lowered feel free to tell Vince how much his taste in metal sucks.

Afterwards, there are THREE killer metal shows taking place in NYC. There’s the Krallice/Liturgy joint at Union Pool. Hung are headlining a bill that also includes Ikillya and Devil to Pay at Ace of Clubs. Hecate and The Austerity Program are performing with Rise of Because, Theologian, Chaos Majik and Statiqbloom at S.I.R. studios as part of the two-day Apex Fest III. Yowza! So many choices. But Heavy Metal Happy Hour with Vince is the obvious choice for your early evening activity!

For the sake of this poor kid’s humility, I’m going to omit his name. But holy hell, this is funny!

At 9:18pm last night we received the following email:

To whom it may concern,

I just received some information personally from Tracy Sanders of Mastodon. He had privelidged me with the title of their upcoming album. From his words, he stated that I was the first person outside of the members and label who know this.
He also forwarded me here to see if you were interested in this information.

I would be happy to arrange any sharing of information if you are interested.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
[name omitted]

Gotta love that Tracy Sanders of Mastodon and his “privelidged” information! Also, the best part is that the guy included his phone number in case we wanted to call!

So, exactly 35 minutes later we get a follow-up from the same dude:

Click to read more…

Our own Vince Neilstein is going to be DJing next Friday, November mothafuckin’ 13th (!!), playing all the best metal of 2009 at the Arrow Bar in New York City. Why should you come? Besides the excellent selection of music, ALL drinks will be 2-for-the-price-of-1 between 6pm and 9pm. You really can’t beat that! And of course, the company of yours truly.

Come one come all, starting at 6pm (21+ please since it’s a bar). The Arrow Bar is on Ave A. just off 5th St., downstairs. F train to 2nd Ave is your best bet. Afterwards, head on up to the recently announced Krallice / Liturgy show at Union Pool in Brooklyn.

We are often asked how we train the MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys, and the answer is surprisingly simple: we just play them metal. That’s one of the key reasons we selected monkeys to do our bidding. Yes, they like to throw poop, but they are excellent typists and just fucking love metal.

And now a scientific study at the University of Wisconsin confirms this little fact (about monkeys liking metal, not them being excellent typists). Satan Rosenbloom just showed us this story about the study, which found that monkeys prefer metal to classical, jazz, and even a certain classic rock giant:

Click to read more…

They are a rare cross-breed of monkey, falcon, and bobcat (recessive gene thus far), and have been infused with an unusual amount of intelligence for similar such Frankenstein-inspired experiments…Vince and Axl seem convinced that with each genus level forward, the MS Monkeyz (currently on version 3.4) ought to be able to achieve technological advancements that even humans haven’t conquered thus far. Case in point: the aforementioned time machine that a good 45% of our monkey task force is presently assigned to.

The allocation of funds (in gold form, locked away with the new Lamb of God album in the heavily-guarded vault, just a few corridors down from the Wingerschmidt Wing, actually) for such a project has been unparalleled, with a whopping $29,458 spent this year alone. Yeah — I mean 2009. Crazy, right? It’s become our biggest expenditure, after…well you know, funny plants (which in the first few weeks of this year have already set us back a staggering $44,076.32 — tax paid on rolling papers included).

Click to read more…