And now your creepy Uncle Wingerschmidt is here to remind y’all why we even liked these Richmond fuckers in the first place! What follows is a collection of MY fave tracks off Lamb of God’s first four albums…
From New American Gospel (2001):
This weekend marked another year passing for yours truly, and what a madcap decadent pleasurable birthday it was :-)))))))
Some MS staff highlights from my rockin party:
1) Sammy O’Hagar tried to fellate Higgins and got a faceful of frosting! CAKE frosting, you dirty bird….
2) After “eleventeen” whiskeys Gary Suarez donkey punched a zebra.
3) Anso DF flew in on the wings of a transsexual angel.
4) Axl Rosenberg is still disgruntled.
5) I puked in the bathroom ten minutes before my band played.
6) Vince Neilstein insisted that he and MetalGF want to go on a bender with my lil old lady mama & me and put hot dumps in each other’s mouths…. I suggested the Hells Pleasure Metal Fest instead.
7) A tin man screamed loudly for an extended period of time and a scarecrow took a hit of weed.
Heyyo y’all & happy impending-end-of-the-year!!!! Sure, life sucks and you’re smelly/ugly, but things are looking up in 2012, I swear!
So if you’re one of those woe-is-me/the-world-owes-you-something negative Nancys, turn that frickin frown inside out and get positive for once. Maybe you’ll meet the love of your life tomorrow……maybe a suitcase of cash will cross your path…….maybe you WON’T have herpes after all…. Anything is possible, and while we of course need to be prepared for the worst, let’s also not rule out the best.
This Kansas classic contains some of my favorite riffs of all time….
Holy G.I.Joe!! Prog-thrashsters Carrion Sun have a ridiculous video for a ripping song that will give you one to grow on…. (check em out on Facebook for more music & details on their 12/17 Record Release Show at the House of Blues in Houston, Tejas)
Follow me past the jump for some more musical reasons to simply carry on, son….
As of late, I have been revisiting my love affair with the sublime tunage of St. Louis’ Riddle of Steel (RIP).
This power trio wrote fantastic, inspirational, feel-good yet edgy songs that each told their own unique melodic story, and it’s continually a pleasure to re-spin both of the two albums I have of theirs. (UPDATE: just found out that there’s a 3rd full-length and an earlier EP as well, and I peed my pants a lil….Wingerschmidt Jr. got excited!) Sounds vaguely like a heavier Trans Am meets Zeppelin meets The Police, but I’m hesitant to compare them to anything too much cuz the music is so nicely original and quality in its own right. Not to get bromantic or nuthin but I’m pretty sure RoS played at one of the first shows I ever went to with Vince Neilstein, at Lit Lounge right here in NYfC… Awwww :)
Sadly the band broke up in 2009, but their rockin, earnest singer/guitarist Andrew Elstner now plays in Torche and Tilts, drummer Rob Smith plays with Traindodge, Life & Times, Roma 79 and Bitch Wizard, and excellent bassist/vocalist Jimmy Vavak is busy being a dad (which also rocks). These guys are surely missed by many, what stellar hooky songwriters…
I couldn’t find any tracks on YouTube from their first full-length Python (my fave, it super kills), so you guys are just gonna have to buy that one, and it’s sooooo worth it. That record features old drummer Dave Turncrantz, who shortly thereafter starting playing with Russian Circles. Plenty more Riddle of Steel tunes on YouTube and TheirOldSpace. Love love love this band!
If you live anywhere near New York Fucking City and you have half a brain in that ugly domepiece you call a head, you probably went to Day One of the inaugural Metal Suckfest at the Gramercy Theater yesterday. And what a time it was…..we drank, we smoked, we rocked, we rolled, we laughed, we cried, we made sweet sweet love under the moonlight and then you puked all over me (gross!)……but holy bajeezus it was totally worth it huh?
Well TODAY is going to be even better!!!!! Why/how, you ask?? 1) the staff of MetalBlows will be raffling off hummers (not the cars), 2) ten radical bands (including Cynic, The Red Chord, Obscura, Fight Amp, and SIX MORE) will fuck your face right off, 3) I promise to keep that creepy guy from Metal Injection away from you, 4) free lapdances, 5) there’s a rumor going around that Lake Bukkake will play a secret set in the downstairs bar, 6) Axl will tell you all sorts of wise things about things, and 7) YOU SUCK.
Come party with us tonight, and be prepared to get a little messy……they don’t call it Suckfest for nothing!
People all around the world love the nature-defying, super power’d MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys. And really, aside from poop being flung around wildly, what’s not to love?
Why even this past Summer Hollywood unveiled its long in-the-works movie adaptation of the story of that one time Higgins organized a simian mutiny in San Francisco (starring James Franco as a young Kip Wingerschmidt and John Lithgow as crotchety, forgetful ol’ Axl Rosenberg):
And some of you may remember The Kids In The Hall’s parody of Vince Neilstein’s rampant threats to unleash the monkeys on the unsuspecting public:
But every once in a while one of our mega-intelligent fusion-lovin’ apes gets a little too big for his/her britches, and an example must be made before the rest follow in rebellious suit. We started calling it “ironing the monkey” — the MS version of branding your cattle, and unsurprisingly it’s quite effective.
Here’s what you do: let an insignia-clad iron heat up to peak temperature, drag a misbehaving monkey out into the middle of the arena (cuz yeah of course we have a bona fide arena in the Mansion) whilst the others watch on in sheer panic and terror, and brand the little fucker on his/her hairy bum… Our iron has a big protruding “MS” protruding on it, so if you see that stamped on the ass of a monkey you’re sodomizing, you know where to return the beast after you’ve finished.
We got the idea from this band, which very well may have gotten the idea for its name from this movie:
Whether you’re a pesto shrimp kinda gal or a spicy sausage man, hopefully one thing the two sexes can agree upon is that Justin Broadrick’s Jesu project is fucking beautiful. It rocks, it’s haunting, super earnest…..the perfect soundtrack for a late-night getting-to-know-you lovefest.
I done been a fan of Vancouver, Canada’s Black Mountain for quite some time now. The band’s shuffle-y stoner rock stylings fuse the best elements of ethereal 70s classic prog rock with melodic Zeppelin fare and heavy Sabbath-esque riffage, and the blend makes for one hell of an exploratory journey of psychedelic balls-deep rawk.
Take a long, strange trip with these samples from Black Mountain’s three excellent albums…
Ahhh, the Autumnal transition is finally upon us and here in New York the newfound chill in the air has already created a different vibe almost immediately. No more mugginess, the putrid garbage in the streets isn’t melting into various layers of stench, and hooded sweatshirts are being pulled out of the deep recesses of closets left and right.
We here at MetalSmells are excited to invite you to relish with us the arrival of our favorite season, and remind you to enjoy it while it lasts. Before too long the icy edge of winter will be shivering our broken collarbones and fiery libidos, so if you’re gonna fall, best get on that right away.
Here in NYC, we’re on the brink of a hurricane (!), and the impending storm has everyone in a frenzy…..lines have been out the door at supermarkets, the entire transit system just closed down at noon (unprecedented), and bridges and tunnels will surely be next.
If you’re in the area, stay inside with some ganja, a loved one, movies/tv/video games/internet porn, and ride this puppy out for the next 36 hours…
And during said natural disaster, don’t be afraid to pick up that instrument or paintbrush or put pen to paper and officially begin/continue that opus you’ve been procrastinating on.
Life’s too short, and Mother Nature is getting impatient!
Let’s face it; like Michael right here, you’ve probably “gotta’ get off these drugs” and who better to help you than every major cartoon character from the ’80s?
In 1990 the programming powers that be had the bright idea to create an animated, public-service musical entitled Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue to spread awareness about the uncoolness of Mary Jane. This special, funded by McDonalds, aired on the three major American television networks and received critical acclaim from an unintentional cult fanbase of well-meaning stoners.
The preachy, half-hour trip reaches a head within the surreal two-minute sing-along that closes this nightmare; amidst the nails-on-an-eardrum croons of those three color-coordinated duck fucks (seriously, Chad Kroeger is starting to sound pretty good right now) Garfield drops a piece of wisdom that rings especially true:
A good excuse is something you never outgrow
Ain’t that right Afroman?
Amazingly, though, the shit that goes down in this flick is probably more unsettling than whatever talking foods or flying toasters you saw during your last bad trip. Baby Ms. Piggy isn’t your friend! She doesn’t know you!
But oddly enough, this song might not even be the most amusing thing about the movie. Hearing the nerdy, blue chipmunk awkwardly say “Marijuana” at the beginning takes the cake. Here it is slowed down!
So next time MetalSucks tries to bully you into smoking sumthin’ you ain’t so keen on, make sure you say no! (There are a million wonderful ways to say it…) Send all your excuses to Axl; I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.
I have a friend who swears that the basement of her workplace is haunted by a g-g-g-g-ghost… She also mentioned an affinity for reality shows about paranormal activity. So naturally I asked her if the ghost at her workplace came before she started watching said reality shows or vice versa. What do you think her answer was?
My humble apologies to the apparition-believers among us — I don’t mean to sound so skeptical. As a matter of fact, I suspect there are plenty of cosmic/extrasensory phenomena I have faith in that many of you might scoff at.
Destiny?
Fate?
G-d?
Unicornzzz?
MS Mansion Monkeys????
(That last one is undeniably real)
In any case, it’s hard not to appreciate m-m-m-m-music about g-g-g-g-ghosts, right? Let’s get our spook on after ze jump…
Sheesh you are getting old… The best years and achievements are clearly behind you, and it’s time to give in to the slow ride downhill to mediocrity.
Right?
Hmmm…..let’s hope not.
Regardless of what’s ahead, it’s important to keep remembering where you came from, how your experiences have shaped you, and what to learn from them for the future. Duh.
Last night I was on the subway and smelled a distinct fishy odor. Immediately I thought what most red-blooded American men would in that situation and looked around for, well, a less-than-hygienic female. Instead I was surprised to notice that the small well-dressed Venezuelan man sitting next to me was eating a lobster tail. An actual, full-on lobster tail. And dude was crunching the shell with his teeth and slurping up all the fishy juice, all the while little bits of shell shrapnel flying about. As he opened up the courier bag sitting on his lap to drop in the empty tail shell I couldn’t help but notice that he actually had an entire lobster inside (!). WTF, I asked myself… And when the guy drunkenly stumbled off the subway car I just had to remark out loud: “Weird.”
So I am honoring this bizzare weekend with a collection of videos featuring everyone’s favorite weirdo, “Weird” Al Yancovic. Not the master parody-er’s famous song parodies per se, but rather his oft-underwatched joke interviews with superstar musicians. First up are a few classics (Ozzy & Paul McCartney are ridiculous) and after the jump, Keith Richards, Michael Stipe, Eminem, and more.
Blackout in Brooklyn tonight, anyone?
These are dedicated to the absence of Juggalo Bob’s curly locks (RIP)…
No, that is not a reference to erectile dysfunction.
Remember back in the early aughts when the almighty Opeth released two albums mere months apart? Originally intended as a double album, their record label at the time opted instead to separate the project into two releases, which in retrospect made a lot of sense, considering Deliverance is perhaps their heaviest offering ever, while Damnation is undoubtedly their softest. This decision surely garnered more moolah for both the band and the powers that be’d (ahem…..show BUSINESS), not to mention gave the fans more to drool over, so let’s chalk this one up to win-win (win).
I wish I had gotten to see one of their legendary “heavy” and “soft” double set shows, but alas I was only just getting into these superb Swedes around that time. Soon after I became hooked and never heard progressive music the same. The rest is history.
