[Hats off to Lazarus A.D.'s Jeff Paulick for stepping in when we needed him this year to take over the Unnecessary Roughness column and doing a fantastic job with it. Thanks for playing, dude! -Ed.]

Well, the Super Bowl ended pretty much how I anticipated it would. It was a great game, and congrats to New York. I was a naysayer when they entered the playoffs, but when you beat Green Bay, San Francisco and New England, that’s beating the best teams in the league this year. I wish I could argue against that, but I can’t!

I’m sure everybody watched the game so I’m not gonna recap it. There were a couple key mistakes that the Patriots made, otherwise they surely would have won. I thought they outplayed the Giants, and their defense surprised me. But in the end, the Giants took care of the ball better and they made plays when they needed to; that’s been their MO all year.

First I want to get to the debate of Eli being an elite quarterback. Nobody really wants to throw him in that discussion because he doesn’t play with the same passion as his brother or as Tom Brady, but he does win — twice now. That’s very impressive. I don’t like the guy, I think hes a dork on and off the field. He’s just awkward, and football isn’t an awkward sport. It’s a fucking brutal high tempo gauntlet where steroid filled behemoths try to all but kill each other. And Eli looks like he should be hosting Blues Clues, not commanding Big Blue. He has something that you can’t teach, something special about him, though. Something I can’t explain, something nobody else can explain. There’s just something else there that his brother doesn’t have, call it magic if you will. When he hucked that ball to Mario Manningham, immediately I said to myself, if this guy catches that ball this is fucking magic, and he caught it. You can’t script shit like that, you can’t count on having a play like that to keep you alive and win the game, but he always does it. And he did the same shit last time in 2008 with David Tryee. Luck is thrown out when you do this more than once. Little Eli is clutch, and he’s just one bowl behind Brady and already one ahead of his brother. Hats off.

Click to read more…

Both Jim and John Harbaugh’s teams botched opportunities to face each other in Superbowl XLVI. I give all the respect to the Patriots and the Giants for winning, but it’s not always the better team that moves on, and I feel that’s the case once again this week. Both games were fought very well, and it really came down to a couple key mistakes and missed opportunities for the Ravens and 49ers.

Click to read more…

I’m not gonna dedicate this blog to how or why the Packers totally fucking blew it. I’m gonna tell it how it is. And by the way, I could give less of a shit who wins this week or who wins the Superbowl as I’m super bitter right now and I will be until training camp next year.

The first game this weekend was by far the best game of the bunch, and probably the best game all year. The Saints turned it over like five times in the first half and STILL were not only in the game but were only one score away from winning. It just shows how fucking good the Saints offense really was this year. Five turnovers, and they still just kept on rifling the ball down the field; they weren’t gonna change their style of play just because San Francisco was having success stopping them. And that is something that is rare in the NFL. Teams get scared and start to try to overcompensate for mistakes and start doing things out of character. The Saints didn’t, they played their ass off and made a game out of what shouldn’t have been a game at all. But all respect goes to San Francisco; they played the best offensive team that I’ve seen since the undefeated regular season Patriots, and they made them look silly. Everyone knew their defense was good, but they played exceptionally well, and when it’s crunch time, that’s when you need to play your best. The final couple of drives where Alex Smith ran the QB draw and then followed up with an amazing TD pass to Vernon Davis, that is winning at its finest. Great play calling, perfect execution, and basically defying all the odds to win the game. It was so great to see Vernon Davis crying after he caught the catch to win the game, because that is a real player playing for the right reasons. There are so many NFL players who do not deserve the size paycheck they get — that goes for all sports really — and you can’t do anything but love Vernon Davis for showing that emotion. Money didn’t matter, that was a team effort on the field, and I hope they win it all.

Click to read more…

And so much for my predictions! I went 1 for 4, pretty terrible, but I was hoping for a few upsets and only ended up getting the one nobody saw coming! This weekend held classic NFL Playoff action, but ultimately ended with every home team being the victor. Let’s take a look.

The Bengals traveled to Houston and got just plain outplayed in every aspect. Cincinnati made way too many mistakes on offense and defense for Cincinnati, and they gift-wrapped a victory for Houston. Not to say the Texans didn’t play impressive football, because they surely did; their first ever playoff appearance and win is huge for that franchise. They will now travel to Baltimore to play the Ravens, who will undoubtedly fight a lot harder than Cincinnati did. I like Baltimore at home, they play with a different energy, and should lock down a win against Houston this weekend.

Click to read more…

The regular season has sadly come to an end, and I emphasize SADLY, because I have no idea what the hell I’m gonna do every Sunday for the next four months when its fuckin -6 degrees, ugh. The final day didn’t really post any surprises for me, as all of the teams I picked to make it did so; with only two seeds being incorrect (pats self on shoulder, slams a shot of whiskey). So lets take a look at the matchups coming up this weekend.

Click to read more…

Sorry for the delay everyone! I had to awaken from my food coma over this past week. I really enjoy how America has turned every holiday into an excuse to overeat and drink. But who the hell am I to say that’s wrong? I indulged. I indulged in watching football as well. This week wasn’t as much as a shocker as last, but the AFC race is fuckin’ jacked right now to say the least. Tennessee is still in the hunt somehow, crazy.

I like the Patriots to win the No. 1 seed. Buffalo dismantled Tebow this week, but they won’t have that luck on Brady. But I still don’t see them making the Superbowl, their defense gives up way too much, just like the Packers. Here we have a case where both the would be No. 1 seeds are probably going to be knocked out. Both offenses are lethal, but if either have an off day, neither can rely on their defense to win. (However, the Pack do lead the league in interceptions, which helps their case.)

Click to read more…

You hear that whistle in the intro? Yeah, that means business. And business was not as usual this week in the NFL. I predicted a few weeks back that if the Pack was gonna lose, the Colts were gonna win the same day, otherwise there is no balance, dammit! But seriously, NOBODY saw the Pack’s loss directly to the Colts coming. There are only two weeks left, and we are starting to see the identity, or lack thereof, of our playoff teams.

Lets start with the Packers. The Chiefs outplayed them, no question. But there were two key things that usually occur in our wins this season that didn’t this week. First, the defense didn’t cause a single turnover, and we thrive on that momentum shift as we usually turn them into points. And second, we dropped as many balls yesterday as all season. Rodgers was off target, the receivers dropped a lot of easy catches, and the focus just wasn’t there. And this just proves how much of the game is mental. Let’s take a team that has nothing to lose, who just fired their head coach because they can’t win, bring in the best team in the league, and let’s make a statement. And they did. I’m not fretting, and nobody else should either. The last two games may be rocky for the Pack, but once they lock up home field advantage its going to be hella tough to win in Green Bay, especially as some key players come back from injury.

Click to read more…

Another week of football, another week of amazing finishes and blowouts. Indy lost, the Packers won, and that seems to be the only constant this year. After starting the season strong, the Chiefs, Bills, and Bucs can’t seem to win anymore, all getting blown out on Sunday. But these are relatively young teams, and it takes getting through years like this one to gel. Pretty much every other game was a nail biter at the end, so let’s dissect.

The Vikings looked straight terrible against the Lions on Sunday. Rookie QB Christian Ponder threw three INT’s and lost a fumble, and he was ultimately pulled in the 3rd quarter for second year man Joe Webb. He led the Vikings back into the game by throwing two touchdowns, and almost won it on the final drive of the game. On the last play of the game, Webb was flushed out of the pocket and fumbled; the Lions scooped it up and the game was over. However, there was a blatant no-call — a facemask –which would have given the Vikes 1st and goal with no time left, but a game can’t end on a penalty. I would have loved to see them try one more play; the refs screwed them out of a win — more importantly a Lions loss — that shouldn’t have been missed.

Click to read more…

What’s up, everybody! First and foremost I wanna say thanks to the MS staff for giving me this opportunity. I know a decent amount about football and my TV rarely sees any show other than SportsCenter, so this is gonna be really fun every week. A little sports background information on me: I grew up a Packers fan my whole life (and Wisconsin sports in general), so the past couple years have been really fuckin awesome for us. I never played football, but I played basketball and have been super competitive throughout my life. I love a good rivalry and a good shit-talking session, as long as you’ve got the facts to back it up. So here we go!

TGIT (“Thank God It’s Thursday”) just started, and if you’re fortunate enough to have the NFL Network you can watch one extra-shitty game every week. Marshawn Lynch ran well for the Seahawks, busting tackles left and right, but Vince Young played even better. The Eagles are a sorry squad this year; I’m so happy they didn’t pan out. “Let’s spend all the money we can on free agency and say we’re the Dream Team with our talent level.” The only dream they’ve got now is breaking .500. See ya later Andy Reid, leave now and go to a city who won’t boo you every time you play at home.

Click to read more…

Dave Brockie is out for the season. Our crack team of Medical Monkeys did their best to get Brockie back out on the field, but it’s not to be. Given the extenuating circumstances, we understand, and we wish Brockie some peaceful downtime in which to ponder where, exactly, the Redskins went so very, very wrong.

Meanwhile, all I’ve been hearing about these last few weeks as Tim Tebow. Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, every sports channel I watch, every annoying talk radio host, every newspaper headline. If this guy keeps it up he’s quickly going to supplant Tom Brady as the most hated quarterback pretty boy in the NFL. Running a spread option offense in the pros is already drawing the ire of NFL purists, and his ability to single-handedly initiate miraculous fourth quarter comebacks since being thrust into Denver’s starting role last month has fans of any team opposing Denver fuming. The kid’s good, there’s no doubt about it, but is he THAT good? As teams have more time to prepare their defense for the spread option — and as Tebow eventually learns a pro-style system, as is likely to happen next year — he might come back down to earth sooner rather than later. His passing game is suspect. I guess time will tell.

Click to read more…

Brockie’s still on injured reserve, so Coach Neilstein is back for another installment of Necessary Roughness. For my first time ever writing about football I think I did pretty ok last week, eh?

It was not a good week for the favorites teams of MetalSucks football columnists. I have it on good word that Brockie is ready to denounce his fandom of the Redskins in favor of the Ravens after D.C.’s finest got trounced by the lowly Miami Dolphins and have now lost five in a row. You know it’s bad when a team that was 0-7 not too long ago takes easy care of you. Don’t feel too bad, Brockie; you could be an Indianapolis fan. But then again, at least in that case you’d have been able to follow good teams for several years. So, uh, yeah… being a Skins fan sucks pretty bad right now. And the Ravens lost to the lowly Seahawks, too. Bad news all around if you’re from the mid-Atlantic region.

Click to read more…

The recent news surrounding the Gwar camp has left QB Dave Brockie on injured reserve, meaning Coach Neilstein is subbing himself in. A player/coach in football? Say it ain’t so… you’ll have to deal with my Jets-loving ass this week instead of Brockie’s Foreskin-worshipping ways.

One of the biggest games this weekend saw the Giants defeat The Patriots in a nail-biter that came down to the final 15 seconds. I think we can pretty much all agree that any time Tom Brady and the Patriots lose it’s a good day, but this loss has bigger implications on a number of levels. Eli Manning and The Giants are now running away with the NFC East, two full games ahead of a 4-4 Dallas team that doesn’t have the muster to compete with the big guys, while Philadelphia, the “Dream Team” that never was, sunk to 3-5 in a big Monday Night Football loss to the Chicago Bears that’ll leave those bratty sports fans in Philly fuming. I won’t say the Giants winning their division is a shoe-in, but with the Redskins, who lost again to a strong 7-1 San Francisco team, as the remaining team in the East, it’s looking pretty good for Big Blue.

Click to read more…

Woo-hoo! Sorry I missed yesterday, it was Halloween after all! And because it was my favorite holiday, I didn’t pay a heck of a lot of attention to the NFL. That and the I hate almost all of the teams, and my Redskins are completely sucking. Oh, how delightful it was going to be when there was every indication that the Skins were going to have a decent season. I was live-tweeting the Redskins games and writing a cool football column. But football is a fickle mistress, the Redskins suck (again), and these tasks have become somewhat less enjoyable. Oh well, that’s what happens when you let Rex Grossman mouth off about how the Skins “are gonna win the division”. But not every team sucks… I don’t hate all of them, and I have a job to do! So let’s get to the action!

The game of the weekend for me was the Baltimore Ravens vs. the Arizona Cardinals as the Ravens returned from the dead to erase an 18-point Cardinals lead behind Joe Flaco’s 51 pass attempts and Ray Rice’s career-high three TD’s. In the battle of the rookie quarterbacks, the Carolina Panthers and Cam Newton were out-lasted by the visiting Christian Ponder and the Minnesota Vikings after a potential overtime-inducing FG from kicker Olindo Mare missed horribly. Class points were scored by the always-humble Steve Smith as he blamed his critically stupid holding penalty on the official being a “70-year old man gimping down the sidelines.”

Click to read more…

It was a weekend of big changes at the quarterback position all around the league, and Sunday’s games gave the first good indication of what the rest of the season might be like for the unfortunate teams that are still struggling for consistency at what is undoubtedly the most important position on the field. Picking the players, especially the QB, is one of the most important jobs coaches have, and the strength of their decisions decides all kinds of things… like who wins the Super Bowl, and who gets to keep their job. Injuries and crummy play have forced several coaches to change their plans, and the fate of the season hangs in the balance for a few teams. This weekend’s action gave us the clearest evidence yet as to how it’s all going to turn out, and while it’s too early to start talking about certain coaches (or their relatives) getting canned, you can bet the whispering has begun.

Just look at the horrific blow-out the New Orleans Saints laid on the Indianapolis Colts, 62-7. The Colts season ended before it even got started with top QB Peyton Manning’s neck injury, and the Saints, behind the notoriously bad-hair of QB Drew Brees, are playing at their highest level since winning the Super Bowl a couple of years back. Like those people in New Orleans need another excuse to party!

Click to read more…

It was an ugly weekend in football and sports in general, and I found myself at times wondering things like “why do I care about this?”  The bad stories just kept piling up, and it was at times difficult and painful to watch. It didn’t help that the sports world was still digesting the tragic news of a horrible wreck during an Indy Car race in Las Vegas that took the life of driver Dan Wheldon. The promoters had packed way-too-many cars on a way-too-small track, and it only took 12 laps for an gigantic accident that involved almost half the 32-car field. So the sports weekend was already off to a start that could be termed… UGLY.

And it got uglier quickly, especially if you are a Washington Redskins fan. Once again your team was made a laughing-stock of the league, as QB Rex Grossman experienced an epic meltdown against the desperate-for-a-win Philadelphia Eagles. Grossman not only threw four interceptions, he almost got intercepted several other times, and repeatedly forced the ball into double and triple coverage until he was finally benched in the third quarter. But Grossman’s miserable QB rating was only the fourth worst in his career! Back-up John Beck fared a bit better, bringing the Skins to within a TD, but it was too little, too late, and the Eagles beat the Skins 20-13. UGLY.

Click to read more…

The NFL lost one of its all-time greats last week as long-time Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis slipped this mortal coil and joined the choir invisible… in other words, he died. Every sports journalist from here to Hoboken immediately began lamenting his passing and glorifying his life in a way completely appropriate for such a luminary figure. His countless accomplishments included hiring the league’s first African-American head coach and being inducted to the NFL Hall of Fame. The only problem with this picture is that most of these journalists kissing Al’s dead ass were the same ones who have mercilessly cracked on him for being a senile old coot who needed to give up the reins a long time ago. Even I had been guilty of the occasional irresponsible tweet, and it occurred to me that so much attention has been paid to blaming Al Davis for the Raider’s post-2002 blues that nobody remembers all of the amazing things Al Davis did for not only the Raiders but for the entire NFL. So in a sense Mr. Davis’ death has been the perfect chance to flip the script and remind everybody who the Raiders (and Al Davis) really are (were).

And after the Raiders wild 25-20 win over the Houston Texans, I am happy to say that the Raiders are who we thought they were, and who they haven’t been for the past nine years or so — the bad guys of the NFL with a team to back it. I mean, think of a league without the Raiders. Isn’t it a dull and dreary place? Only the Cowboys inspire the level of fandom that the Raiders do, so without them you have only the Cowboys and doesn’t that make you want to puke? On a personal note, as a Redskins fan, it’s great to see Jason Campbell smiling. He didn’t do a lot of that around Washington, but he always gave it his all. I really wish we hadn’t traded him! The only thing that would have made the Raiders’ day better would have been a win at home, but now the stage is set for an emotional homecoming as the Raiders take on a struggling Cleveland team next week at O.co. Coliseum.

Click to read more…

Week four in the NFL saw some of the most amazing play from a QB ever recorded, and some of the most inept officiating I have ever seen. There were amazing comebacks and burly beat-downs. All in all, as we closed out Week 4 the NFL was the same chaotic, colorful, and crazed place it always has been, as some teams began to separate themselves from the pack and others continued to wallow in mediocrity… and I was once again left with the task of somehow writing about it. Not the easiest thing to when you really don’t care about most of the teams and are bound to offend many by your caustic observations concerning why their teams suck. But I beg forgiveness in advance! I’m no sportswriter; I’m the guy behind Oderus and I sing for GWAR. My personal agenda is strongly linked to my professional persona, so if you are looking for a fair and objective viewpoint, where I reward good performances with positive ink, read no further! That will happen, but I am WAY more into making crass remarks, laying-down weed-addled observations, and making my way through this entire season without missing a deadline. In fact, that’s probably the hardest thing about writing this thing. On Sunday I am drinking beer and watching football ALL DAY (and I am already using this column as an excuse to subtract myself from reality any time ANYTHING to do with the NFL is happening), so I am not about to get any writing done. Dragging my hungover ass out of bed early enough to make my Monday at noon deadline is by far the toughest challenge I face, and for that I am happy! I used to shovel shit for a living. Hmmmm… I guess things haven’t changed that much.

Click to read more…

I am still trying to figure out what kind of column this should be. I have found that a general blurb is too limiting. I can’t cover anything in the depth I want to, and I always leave out somebody who feels their team is deserving of notice. I am reminded of watching Monday Night Football as a child, desperately hoping that my team would make the halftime highlights reel, and being horribly offended when they didn’t. Plus there is the stone-cold fact that I just don’t care about a lot of teams in the league. Reporting on them is boring. So after considering my options carefully, I decided to write about WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANTED.

Week Three in the N.F.L. saw a couple of perennial loser teams continue their winning ways, a couple of big-time QB’s continuing their slides towards oblivion, and left a couple million guys like me trying to figure it out. But why? Because football, and sports in general, offers one of the last true escapes from this crazy modern world, and the fact that all of your friends are doing it makes it even more acceptable. It’s kinda like having a one-day vacation once a week, and if your team is playing on Monday night, it even comes back again for a little while. But damn… never has a vacation been so vulnerable to fate’s whimsy. Interceptions, penalties, and especially potentially career-ending injuries to franchise players that your team then lies to you (the fan) about can really screw up your fun. But that’s OK, it’s not like you flew the family to Disneyworld. No matter how bad it gets, the fridge is full of beer.

Click to read more…

It dawned on me as I was watching the games yesterday that I was doing it as a professional journalist. I mean, I was last week as well, but I don’t think it had dawned on me that I was finally doing something that I been following avidly my whole life. Reading about football isn’t as fun as watching or playing it, but it’s not bad! It fact the biggest reason I got a Kindle was so I could get a hometown newspaper everyday and follow my team from mini-camp to immolation! And to be given a chance to write about it is a responsibility I happily embrace, and am honored to be given a chance to excel at. Now let’s get to the action!

Week Two in the NFL was a surprising flurry of stupid yet brutal circumstances. New England QB Tom Brady told the fans to get “lubed up” before the game, then had management decide he was talking about water. That’s just brutally stupid! Thankfully the games started before he could say anything else.

Click to read more…

Greetings sports and metal fans everywhere, and welcome back to the glory of football! That’s right, the world’s greatest sport is back and men everywhere are heaving a collective sigh of relief. No more Sundays at the mall, or like, hanging out with your family or something. NO! Our butts are attached to our favorite butt-supporting device, and we will not be moved! Bring me chips, woman! Honey? Where did you go?

Before we start our coverage let me first of all say that football is so awesome that we stole the name of the world’s most popular sport and used it for ours, and then insisted they were wrong. That makes Europeans mad. Well, let them be mad! They can go fight it out at the gay SOCCER match. And actually they do, as some of those European soccer hooligans can be pretty nasty. Isn’t it funny that a sport that is so gay (soccer), and has such a gay name (soccer), attracts such violent followers? Over compensation, I do believe. But on to American FOOTBALL.

Anybody who knows me knows I am a big Redskins fan. But when they asked me to do this column they were very clear… I have to cover the whole league! Shit, that’s a lot of teams, and I hate most of them. Generally speaking, the further west you go, the more I hate the team, with the exception of the Raiders, who I always liked (because of the cool uniform). But I don’t have another “favorite team” or even a second favorite… I believe you get one team and you stick with them ’til the end! And considering that I am a Skins fan, those are not easy words to live by. OK, lets get to the action!

Click to read more…