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Coach Neilstein here calling a play from the sidelines and pulling star QB Greg Weeks from action for the season. Like star hair model Tom Brady, it seems that Weeks is bailing in the clutch and in need of some backup.
I’m kidding, of course; Weeks did a tremendous job writing about the NFL and making us laugh all season long, and we will be forever grateful. Hopefully we can strong-arm him into doing it again next year.
But for now, all I’ve got to say is this:
Coaches fired, teams failing, and incentives earned. I love week sixteen.
Incentives: they are written into a ton of contracts nowadays to get players to focus more on earning money for themselves than to put in an effort for their team. In the last week of regular season play, we see players on teams who are dead in the water give it their all to earn a couple of extra bucks. I mean, when you’re getting $90 million, you really need that extra $150,000 for one more sack in a game that doesn’t matter, right? The Red Chord actually has an incentive program in our contract as well. We get free Metal Blade t-shirts, a trip to a rehab of our choice, and a visit to the health clinic, depending on how many rails and groupies we bump during an album cycle. We’re cutting it close, but I can see that t-shirt in my very near future.
OK, I’m calling a delay of game on myself. After the northeast was crushed with snow, I woke up with zero power, which equals no internet. If I miss certain games during the weekend, I use this Al Gore-invented “super highway” to catch up. I watched a couple of games, but being showered with gifts on Jesus’ birthday weekend makes it hard to watch them all. Why don’t you use phone internet to look up fun football facts, you say? I’ve only got 3G’s here, people!
Anyway, I’ve decided to let you guys talk about the games this week and about the cool shit you got for the holidays. I was raised Irish Catholic, so I get Christmas gifts which include guilt and shame.
Did anyone have their tree catch fire? Did anyone have their menorah light something on fire? How about your fantasy leagues? Anyone make the playoffs? Here’s your chance to chat. Go for it!
I hope the people who check this blog out to enjoy it, get bummed by it, or make fun of it, aren’t too upset by this entry. See you next week!
-GW
Visit The Red Chord on MySpace.
Hello, everybody. As we gear up for a holiday celebration of some sort depending on your religion, upbringing or general scroogery, we also gear up for brutal weather (in some places), presents and more football. The year and regular season are on their way out which means teams will be playing more enthusiastically for their shot at the playoffs. We’ll also see boring games between teams who will definitely not make the playoffs against teams who are pulling their starters to rest them for the playoffs.
The big game this week that everyone is talking about is the the incredible San Diego-San Fran game. Just kidding. Nobody is talking about this game. The 49ers didn’t even score until the 4th in this 34-7 blowout. The actual game I’m speaking of is Michael “Mad Dog” Vick and his Eagles’ triumphant comeback against the NY Giants.
So, I know I’m not supposed to be biased about my favorite team in this blog thing, but c’mon, did you see last Monday’s game? Holy shit! It wasn’t even a real game. Someone should tell Sanchez to relieve his evil twin that has been playing in his place the last two weeks.
On that topic, the Pats faced the mighty Bears yesterday in a brutal snow storm bringing back New England memories of snowbowls, field goals, and ex-cons riding snowblowers. I think the main reason NE buried the Bears, clinching the playoff berth, is that Tom Brady officially changed the team’s footwear from cleats to Uggs. They’re just so warm. A couple weeks ago, the Australian boot company signed Tom Brady to be their spokesperson, claiming that he could get men, a demographic that has shied away from Uggs, to wear their silly boots. Good luck with that.
So, I’m giving you guys an open invite to my place in Quincy, MA for tonight’s matchup between the Pats and the Jets. We’re playing cards, probably the re-release of NBA Jams, getting some Lynwood’s pizza, and enjoying ourselves. Don’t worry about finding my place; if I seepeople roaming my street with wings and team jerseys, then I’ll assume it’s because of this post and invite them on up.
Steelers-Ravens battled it out for first this week. More important than seeing who was going to be king of the AFC North was to see who was a better shower product. The Ravens’ Ray Lewis and his Old Spice body wash in one corner and the Steelers’ Troy Palmolive… Paramore… Pinkerton… whatever his name is, representing Head and Shoulders in the other. Polamalu takes this one just as he took the game. His late-in-the-game sack caused QB Joe Flacco to fumble, which, in turn, led to the game-winning touchdown. No worries though, Baltimore – you may have lost, but you did break Big Ben’s nose and nearly killed TE Heath Miller. Not too shabby.
I love T-giving!!! Tons of food, great family discourse fueled by alcohol, and classic throwback jersey football! With the Surgeon General promoting a vegetarian diet for the nation, I enjoyed as much ham and turkey as I could before Tofurkey becomes a national pastime.
Fights! Besides the scuffles between the Pats and Lions, this week saw a rare beast in the NFL known as a bench clearer. During the Tennessee-Houston game, Texans’ receiver Andre Johnson and Titans’ cornerback Cortland Finnegan decided to exchange pleasantries in the fourth quarter. The Texans were on their way to their first shut out in six years, which led to some heated exchanges on the line culminating in a helmet tossing punch fest. The two were ejected, and we’ll see how much money the fisticuffs will cost them.
Bam! Home from tour and I can’t tell you how amazing it is to shower, shit, and sleep in my own place. Oh, the little things we take for granted everyday.
So, with all division leaders being tied for first or only one game ahead, it’s still anybody’s game. P. Manning is kicking himself after literally throwing away Sunday’s game to N.E. The Colts remain tied in the win-loss categories in the AFC South. And speaking of games that should’ve been won, the Texans had the Jets on the ropes but were overcome in the fourth. It seems the Jets like to make their fans hold their breath these last couple of games.
I’d like to once again thank my replacements for last week. They taught us how stupid American football is, how to do a football blog correctly, and what it feels like to root for a losing team.
Speaking of which, congratulations are in hand for the Buffalo Bills and their first season win! And a bigger thanks goes to the Detroit Lions for giving it to them. I think Detroit wanted to keep their winless 2008 record intact and gave the Bills one for the win column. The Lions did break another record on Sunday though: most road losses for any NFL team. The record was previously held by themselves.
“Bye Weeks”
Here we go! Thanks for all the entries and thanks for those who’ve stopped by the merch table and talked football.
-GW
#1:
Hey guys, Double D here to round up the football action from yesterday. We don’t have a lot of time so let’s get to it. The Raiders moved a half game back of the AFC West lead by giving it to the Chiefs in the Black Hole (heh). With that, the Raiders are 5-4 and are 3-0 in the aforementioned (awful) division. Philly pulled one out against Indy 26-24 in a great afternoon game and Cleveland whupped up on the Pats in a game in which nothing went the Pats’ way.
Oh, Buffalo and Detroit, they are trying to play football, aren’t they? Be that as it may, neither could hold on for a victory after getting ahead against the Bears and Jets, respectively. Atlanta flexed their muscles in the NFC South by beating a Tampa Bay team that had quite a few come-from-behind victories but couldn’t manage one on Sunday.
I am currently in Pittsburgh at the Altar Bar at our merch table, and turning in this blog super late. Sorry, MetalSucks.
It smells like poop and onions right now. The city is in mourning after yesterday’s defeat by the Saints. Super turnover SNF! We played Providence on Halloween, where I was lucky enough to watch the Packers-Jets game and Pats-Vikings game with the Lupos employees outside in the bitter cold. They set up a mini-stage with a prison TV, one that is clear so the inmates can’t hide anything in it, which was hooked up to a speaker. I also got to see a ton of chicks dressed as slutty cats, slutty nurses, and slutty everything else. I love Halloween.
Refs were fucking up this week, people. I know it’s part of the game, but wow! Some teams owe their wins to hard work and practice and some owe them to the zebra men looking the other way. One of these games was the Dolphins-Steelers match. Miami’s D was crushing against the Steelers who pulled out a victory by one point. I’m sure Pittsburgh is happy to have that mattress shaped man back at QB. One team that didn’t need the refs’ help was the Oakland Raiders. Zoinks. As I was watching the games shown on the east coast, the score ticker would pop up and every time it came to the Raiders game I couldn’t believe the absolute slaying that was going on. Kerry King would be proud.
Well, it’s Sunday again: Time for nachos, football and terrible beer and car ads. One ad in particular that caught my attention this week opens with a young red coat running through the forest, who rushes to his pals who are awaiting the oncoming Yanks during the Revolutionary War. They seem confident in their numbers and abilities as the Union Jack sways in the wind, when out of nowhere George Fucking Washington comes blasting at them in the new Dodge Challenger complete with an American flag. WOO-HOO!!! Holy shit, Britain, look out!!! He must have built a god damned time machine and decided to forgo the WMD’s and use scare tactics instead. This ain’t no horse and buggy, you English bastards!!!
The best part is when Dexter, who does the voice-over, announces “Here are a couple of things America got right: cars and freedom.” I actually laughed at this point in the ad. Apparently Dodge thinks that all football fans are lowest common denominator no-sleeve American flag t-shirt wearing morons. I mean, I’m sure some of us are, but come on.
I’d like to begin this week by congratulating the Lions on their crushing 44-6 win against the Rams. Look out Chicago, Detroit is coming for you!
Over the last couple of weeks we’ve seen state vs. state action. This week is no different. In an upset that took seven years the Oakland Raiders defeated the San Diego Chargers. Their win brings the division to a three way tie.
Here in New England the Pats say goodbye to wide receiver Randy Moss. After reportedly telling QB Tom Brady he “looks like a girl” and not getting the attention on the field he thinks he needs, Randy went back to the Vikings. New England received a third round pick in the 2011 draft. As much of a pain as Moss may or may not have been, trading him in the early season for a third round pick has some of us raising our eyebrows. Who’s going to keep the secondary busy while Brady throws to everyone else? It seems to me that Moss wanted to break records and leave behind a name rather than be a part of a team. At least now he gets a second shot at the Jets.
So, the regular season is a quarter of the way through and we can separate the good from the not so good. I’ve compiled a quick list of suggestions for certain teams (Bills, Lions, Panthers and ’9ers) to claw their way back to the top. Where muscles and tattoos used to intimidate the enemy, today’s athletes are on ‘roids and look like human coloring books. Here are some ideas that are outside of the box.
Suggestion 1: Have your entire defensive line eat a bunch of Mexican food for breakfast and chase it with a ton of castor oil.
As they shit themselves and vomit all over their opponents’ front line, the distraction, if not the smell alone, will clear a direct path to the QB. I’m not sure how many times this’ll work, seeing as if a human vomits and has diarrhea for the length of a football game they’ll be dead, but it might get at least one slash in the win column.
A quick example: There was a young lady who won the Boston Marathon while having her “lady event” and also pooping. Was she a great runner or did no one want to come close to her? It’s a sports mystery.
Oh snap!!! During Monday night football last week, down-on-his-luck Saints running back Reggie Bush snapped his fibula. After realizing he was hurt, Reggie attempted to walk on the broken leg. It reminded me of a video I once saw. In the video, a guy was on PCP and being chased by the cops. He jumped off of a second story parking garage and landed on his side. He completely shattered one of his legs, got up and attempted to run again. It was fucking gross! After falling a couple of times, due to the perp’s now-rubber leg, the cops easily apprehended him. In short, I think the NFL should have a week where every team is on PCP. Even non-football fans would tune in.
Even though it’s an exciting week for football — Texas vs. Texas (Texas won!), Drew Brees on 60 Minutes (how is Andy Rooney still alive?), and still no Roethlisberger (and the Steelers can’t lose) — I took it upon myself to mix this blog up a bit. Knowing I’d be more focused on the season premiere of Eastbound and Down than highlights, I decided to call up a fellow football fan and ask him a couple questions. His name is Charn, he has an amazing throwing arm, and he plays drums for Job For A Cowboy.
Many metal fans might be thinking, “Why is there a blog about organized sports on a metal site?” The answer: I have no fucking idea. I’m not sure you can make many similarities between metal and the NFL, other than they both usually have dudes smashing into each other in a semi-homoerotic way.
In any case, rooting for your local team, which is usually filled with no one from your area, to win games — something you have zero control over while sitting on your couch eating Funyuns — is pretty fun if you want it to be. The frequent concussions, the controversies, and the occasional femur snap make it all worth it for me. If you’re still not convinced, watch Terrell Owens crying:
Now, onto the games!
Let the Games Begin!!!
Hello there. MetalSucks is letting me bring you my heavily opinionated, and often correct, views on today’s NFL. Once a week, I’ll be letting you know about the upsets, great plays, and ridiculous behavior of our beloved athletes.
The Saints-Vikings re-match was a great way to kick off the season. In a repeat of last season’s NFC Championship game, The Saints, once again, were victorious over There’s Something About Mary actor and AARP-dodger Brett Favre and his Vikings. In Eagles news, I still love seeing Michael Vick lose. Nothing against Philly, but that guy’s a dick.
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