After the previous night’s Bourbon drinkathon, grill-out and car wash adventure — not to mention the delicious fried chicken and BBQ ribs we inhaled earlier that day — trouble was a brewin’ in the bowels of the SlayRV. One by one we systematically decimated the bathrooms of the Walmart and nearby Burger King, and once business was taken care of we hit the road for the 5+ hour trek to Dallas.

Bowels freshly purged we swore off meat for the day; I had a healthy breakfast of carrots and hummus. Of course that oath went straight out the window when we saw the following sign across the road from a truck stop in Texarkana:

I mean how the fuck can you say no to THAT??

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Part of being on the road is the constant struggle to find a suitable place to take a dump. Even when you’re in a bus with a bathroom, as we were, there’s a strict no-pooping policy. Trust me, you do NOT want to be on a bus where a smelly dude who’s been on the road for days or weeks ingesting nothing but fast food and booze has let it all out of their system… X6. You respect your fellow travelers even in dire situations and they respect you — NO pooping on the bus, no exceptions. So what does that leave, then? Well, there are always gas station and fast food joint bathrooms which vary in degrees of cleanliness and comfort. If you’re lucky you can pinch a loaf when you’re stopping at a friend’s house somewhere (pity that poor fool, though). But when it comes to comfortable places to poop nothing beats a Walmart — they’re open 24/7, the stalls are big and no one cares. Plus, you can usually park a bus in the back of a Walmart parking lot and sleep there over night meaning you can poop when you arrive at night AND in the morning before you leave. Gold mine!

One goal of this road trip was to take advantage of all the quintessential experiences each city had to offer. What more quintessential experience is there than getting BBQ in Memphis? That one’s a no-brainer… but what exactly has Little Rock, AR got to offer? Walmart. Lots of ‘em. The company is based there. The only way our experience in Little Rock could’ve been any more quintessential was if we’d gotten blowjobs from Bill Clinton.

But first, Memphis…

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This was the day the real road trip began.

Scion Rock Fest was cool and all, but we were really all excited to get to road-trippin on the bus and away from all the craziness that enveloped the festival. First order of business was a quick stop in Indianapolis to pick up our friend and bus driver Jeremy and some supplies, and then it was off to Louisville. We got a bit too late of a start to visit the bourbon distilleries in Bardsville as we’d planned, so instead we stopped in Louisville proper and took a tour of the famous Louisville Slugger factory. For this baseball nerd it was a real treat to visit the place where most of the baseball bats used in Major League Baseball are manufactured. My inner (and outer) dork was really stoked.

Your motley crew posing in front of the giant bat outside the factory.

After the jump, Louisville Slugger shenanigans, Makers Mark, honky-tonkin’ in Nashville and more.

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“With Hell for a Mouth,” live in Raleigh, NC

Virginia doom crew Salome have been busting eardrums and making waves across the Eastern half of the US on their latest tour, with stops at NYU (with Shrinebuilder/Wolves in the Throne Room) and at the SXSW madhouse, where they decimated showcases from Profound Lore/20 Buck Spin and BrooklynVegan alongside Coffinworm, Yakuza, The Atlas Moth, Zoroaster, Landmine Marathon, and tons more. The next leg of the tour is taking them through the Dirty South, and they’ve brought their buddy “Grim” Kim Kelly along for the ride to sling merch and document the whole thing, Almost Famous-style. You can read the first day’s report here, the second day’s report here, and the third day’s report here… and now we come to the bittersweet end…

Well, holy shit, Raleigh. Tonight was absurd, in about a million and a half different ways. We got to Slim’s and loaded in, then settled in for a longer than anticipated wait. The opening band, Gringo, kept pushing the start time back from 10, to 10:30, to 11pm; they finally hopped onstage at about 11:15.  During the interim I sold a few record, took a walk about the block, and, alongside Kat , Rob and Aaron, made the acquaintance of  a fellow named John. John was very drunk, and very talkative. During the space of a few minutes, we learned that not only was John an Iraq war veteran, he’d been blown up three times, sustained skull fractures and brain damage, smoked weed “to keep from killing himself,” and, just that morning, had been acquitted of a handful of drug charges (misdemeanors/felonies) “because,” he said as he tapped on his Operation Iraqi Freedom Veteran baseball cap, “of this.” God bless America, I s’pose. He stuck around for a couple more hours, arguing with Kat and I about vegetarianism, extolling the merits of drunk driving, and talking weed with Aaron, then disappeared a few minutes before Gringo’s set. He was still drunk as a skunk, and with a 45 minute drive ahead of him, we could only hope that luck was once more on his side and he’d gotten home safe.

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With little to do in lame-o Columbus, OH, Kip and I sat around our hotel lobby with our shvantzes in our hands until 2pm when The Beast aka The SlayRV — the piece de resistance –  arrived to pick us up… and so the party began. Anton OyVey, Rich Hallford, The Rev of Burger Conquest fame and Mark Lafay pulled that baby right into the parking lot, beers and whiskey in hand, and much rejoicing and drinking immediately ensued. The SlayRV is a classy fucking affair with enough room to sleep 8, a fridge, a front lounge, a toilet (but no pooping allowed on the bus!) and a shower. STYLE, bitches. Whichever bands end up taking this thing on tour are going to have a hell of a time.

From there it was off to the Thurman Cafe, the home of what is supposedly the best burger in Columbus.

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Virginia doom crew Salome have been busting eardrums and making waves across the Eastern half of the US on their latest tour, with stops at NYU (with Shrinebuilder/Wolves in the Throne Room) and at the SXSW madhouse, where they decimated showcases from Profound Lore/20 Buck Spin and BrooklynVegan alongside Coffinworm, Yakuza, The Atlas Moth, Zoroaster, Landmine Marathon, and tons more. The next leg of the tour is taking them through the Dirty South, and they’ve brought their buddy “Grim” Kim Kelly along for the ride to sling merch and document the whole thing, Almost Famous-style. You can read the first day’s report here and the second day’s report here… and now we re-join Kim and the band in Raleigh, NC…

Current time: 5:41pm
Current location: A Best Western in Raleigh, NC

So it’s almost 6pm, and we’ve just now woken up. Sounds like we must have been partying ridiculously hard last night, right? Not quite; after playing the show, loading out, and raging a respectable amount with Dark Castle, we decided to drive straight through the night from Atlanta to Raleigh. Aaron is a MACHINE,  and as soon as we got into the city and spotted a cheap-ish hotel, we were all down for the fucking count. With Domino’s ordered and much-needed showers showered, we’ve got a couple hours of downtime before heading down to Slim’s for the last show of the tour (with locals Gringo). Seinfeld marathon? Yes please.

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On Friday, March 12th an epic journey of mammoth metal proportions began. The plan:

1. Fly to Columbus, Ohio for Scion Rock Fest the following day.
2. Take a 3-day road-trip in a converted tour bus down to Austin, TX, stopping along the way to visit select food locales and see the sites.
3. Four days of SXSW.
4. Fly home.

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Virginia doom crew Salome have been busting eardrums and making waves across the Eastern half of the US on their latest tour, with stops at NYU (with Shrinebuilder/Wolves in the Throne Room) and at the SXSW madhouse, where they decimated showcases from Profound Lore/20 Buck Spin and BrooklynVegan alongside Coffinworm, Yakuza, The Atlas Moth, Zoroaster, Landmine Marathon, and tons more. The next leg of the tour is taking them through the Dirty South, and they’ve brought their buddy “Grim” Kim Kelly along for the ride to sling merch and document the whole thing, Almost Famous-style. You can read the first day’s report here… and now on to Birmingham, Alabama…

Current time: 2:14am
Current location: Jamie’s house in Birmingham, Alabama

“It’s whiskey, weed, and beer night here in Birmingham,” declared our host, Jamie, his good-natured drawl rising above the crackling Zeppelin record that had replaced the free jazz Aaron keeps cranking in the van. An affable chap with a talent for vegan cooking and a good ol’ Southern boy accent, he had set up the gig, made us dinner, kept us drinking, and was putting us up for the night in the rambling, comfortably worn-in house he shared with a handful of roommates and a menagerie of pets.  He’d come out to greet us as we rolled up to Magic City Wholesale a little after seven and helped us haul the now-familiar mountain of gear up a rickety flight of stairs, then produced a pot of curry something-or-other to take the edge off before Salome’s set.  The venue doubled as an art space and community center, and besides the usual broken windows and concrete you’d expect to find, was decorated with tons of off-the-wall art and murals. It was also cold as BALLS  inside– we couldn’t get over how damp and chilly Alabama was, especially after the Texas sunshine and muggy warmth of Louisiana.

The drive up wasn’t quite as eventful as yesterday’s, although, as usual, the hunt for vegetarian-friendly restaurants proved to be an adventure. We gave the Creole Bagelry an honest shot, but after realizing that they had not only were not serving breakfast items and employed the least-friendly Southerners we’d encountered so far, but were out of coffee on top of it all, we peeled out and drowned our sorrows at some overpriced sandwich place (instead of the $18 gallons of daquiris I suggested). Louisiana melted into Mississippi, we passed through a town called Philadelphia (!!!!) and when a gas stop took us through Meridian, Mississippi, we encountered one of the most depressing sights of the tour so far. The place was a goddamn ghost town. Desperation peered out of every boarded up window and empty storefront, dripped off every misspelled sign and leered at us from every shady check cashing stand. The streets were empty, the curtains were drawn tight, and Meridian, Mississippi, was clearly struggling to draw its last labored breaths. I’m sure there are dying towns just like it scattered across the country, but I’d never driven through a place that seemed so utterly devoid of hope. We were glad to get back on the highway.

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Virginia doom crew Salome have been busting eardrums and making waves across the Eastern half of the US on their latest tour, with stops at NYU (with Shrinebuilder/Wolves in the Throne Room) and at the SXSW madhouse, where they decimated showcases from Profound Lore/20 Buck Spin and BrooklynVegan alongside Coffinworm, Yakuza, The Atlas Moth, Zoroaster, Landmine Marathon, and tons more. The next leg of the tour is taking them through the Dirty South, and they’ve brought their buddy “Grim” Kim Kelly along for the ride to sling merch and document the whole thing, Almost Famous-style. First stop: Baton Rouge, Louisiana…

Current time: 3:13 am
Current location: A Super 8 somewhere outside Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Louisiana is a pretty desolate state to drive through. For hours at a time, you’ll be cruising down battered highways lined with billboards for “adult super centers” and “Buy 1-Get-11” fireworks stands (talk about recession-proof – if not death-proof – pricing!), staring out into the scrub pines and swamps in the shadow of a thousand Waffle House signs. It’s also not what I’d call “cosmopolitan” by any stretch of the imagination, judging from the reactions we got whenever we stopped to refuel and grab munchies. [Salome vocalist] Kat and Rob [Moore, guitars] look pretty “normal” by anyone’s standards, but Aaron [Deal, drums] and I caused some waves – he with his massive septum ring, tattooed arms and Wolfman beard, and me for my piercings, neck tattoos, 1” lobes and, especially, the inverted cross gracing the back of my Dragged into Sunlight hoodie.

“Dude, they were totally talking shit about you in there,” Aaron chuckled as we pulled away. “Did you see all the religious shit in there? I heard one of them say, ‘That one girl had an upside-down crucifix on her shirt, I never seen something like that before in my life!’”

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I’m going through barbecue withdrawal. Seriously — I just made a fruit smoothie and my body almost rejected it due to lack of meat intake.

There were many highlights of this year’s SXSW shennaniganza, but nearing the top of the list was our annual trek to The Salt Lick in Driftwood, TX for some serious BBQ. This time around we rocked a raging dudefest (NINE strong, including bros from Goes Cube and East of the Wall) and two joints/many beers in we were more than ready for the all-you-can-eat family style mouthwatering trifecta of some of the best brisket, ribs, and sausage known to man…

Words cannot express the barbecue high; you literally get wasted on meat. Drooling, giggling, guffawing, gurgling, gnawing, food coma — it’s all part of the excursion, and surely not to be missed.

I’m gonna pass the mic over to Adam Richman of Man vs. Food fame to elaborate:

After the jump, the true origin of the Salt Lick’s name…

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So the other day I was walking down 34th Street, and who did I see, Torah in hand, davening outside of a DMV Express but MetalSucks’ own esteemed Rebbe Anton Mofo’n Oyvey! Now obviously I didn’t want to disturb the man during his holy time, so I figured I’d catch up with him at the synagogue in the East Wing of the MetalSucks Mansion for our regular Shabbat dinner.

But then I realized that both Scion Rock Fest AND South by Southwest are coming up this week, and……could it be that Metal’s Most Brutal Rabbi will be hitting the road and rocking out with Vince & I for one or both of these adventures?!?

Come to think of it — Vince did tell me to buy a plane ticket to Columbus, Ohio for Scion and another ticket BACK from Austin, Texas 10 daze later without making mention of how we would be getting from one to the other. “We’ll figure it out”, he said, in typical Vinzian fashion.

Hmmm, I wonder…

Jews in Space? Nah — Heebz on the HIGHway!!

-KW

Based on the e-mails we’ve gotten today, it would seem that a lot of you are frickin’ CRANKY that we’ve made no mention of the fact that Dark Tranquillity are working on a new album, Into the Void. So here’s part 1 of their in-the-studio video series. The album will be out sometime in February or March on Century. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it will sound like European melodic death metal. But I could be wrong. It could be a rap metal album. That would really throw people for a loop, eh?

-AR

So I’ve been living in the UK for about four months now, and have managed to take in quite a lot of this “culture” thing they’re so fond of over here. I’ve been to nine countries, eight major metal festivals, and a handful of cities in Ol’ Blighty itself; I’ve gate-crashed hotel parties in Norway with the drummer of Swallow the Sun, stage-dived into a sea of muddy grind freaks in the Czech Republic, gotten roaring drunk with Wolves in the Throne Room in the Netherlands, met Gaahl’s boyfriend in France, gotten lost in Rome, watched Electric Wizard blow an amp in Manchester, lost my mind to Eyehategod at Hellfest, seen Manowar (‘nuff said there) – and that was just the first couple months. Between all the metal, mud, bruises, whiskey, calimocho, hard cider, and terrifying Czech liquor (Becherovka and Fernet are no fucking joke, even if it is Kevin Sharp and Danny Herrera pouring you a shot), I realized that, somehow, something was still missing.

To my immense chagrin, I had yet to take that all-too-necessary pilgrimage up through the Black Country and into the Unholy Land itself – to Birmingham, England. Every metaller worth his leather (and several million other music fans besides) knows exactly why this unimpressive, coal-smudged city matters so much. Birmingham is the ancestral home of heavy metal. Everything – whether it be doom, black metal, powerviolence, or even the plague that is deathcore – everything came from here. The famed Mermaid Pub provided a fertile breeding ground for extreme metal, nestled as it was in a dodgy part of town where the cops ignored the punkers and longhairs milling around out front as the early rumblings of a deadly new sound thundered away upstairs The city itself was the original stomping ground of the dirty sexy hard rock’n’roll of Led Zeppelin, the NWOBHM gods in Judas Priest, the crusty proto-grind of Sore Throat, the scummy grindcore forefathers of Napalm Death, the industrial noise terror of Godflesh, and the one and only BLACK FUCKING SABBATH.

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