MetalSucks

All I can say is: THIS IS FUCKING REAL.

Major, major props to Josh Jacobson for sending this in.

-AR

A reader known only as “Fersas” sent us the below clip of a band called Wolverine. Despite their name, which would lead you to believe that they’re a metal band or at least a rock outfit, they in fact play country music.

And, oh yeah, Nergal is doing the vocals.

I really don’t like this music and I think the idea of a Polish country band is kind of ridiculous, but I’d be lying if I said Nergal’s vocals suck. He sounds like a poor man’s Nick Cave part of the time, but I can live with that.

Anyways, this was apparently recorded in 2000. Enjoy.

-AR

And I don’t mean a man-whore.

Metal Insider found this blog, hilariously titled “That New Car Smell,” in which extreme music’s most famous lesbian announces that she is undergoing sexual reassignment surgery in order to legally marry her lover, an unnamed “A-list actress.” Some excerpts follow:

Click to read more…

Holy shit – did you know that there are actually people even worse than Juggalos? I saw this video on Topless Robot last night – a slideshow of fan art by so-called “Juggalo Furries,” or people “who are simultaneously into anthropomorphic animals and Insane Clown Posse.”

I couldn’t make this shit up, people. If I did, you’d never fucking believe it anyway.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wanna down a handful of sleeping pills with a tall glass of vodka. Since Vince and I are now friends with one out-of-the-closet Juggalo, I feel bad making a blanket statement like “All Juggalos are worthless fucktards.”

But I am 110% comfortable with the statement “All Juggalo Furries are worthless fucktards.”

Watch the video below… if you dare.

-AR

So we read on Metal Insider, who read on Drowned In Sound, who read on nme.com, that Rage Against the Machine’s Tom Morello used to be a stripper. Seriously. Says Morello:

When I graduated from Harvard and moved to Hollywood, I was unemployable. I was literally starving, so I had to work menial labour and, at one point, I even worked as an exotic dancer. ‘Brick House’ [by The Commodores] was my jam! I did bachelorette parties and I’d go down to my boxer shorts. Would I go further? All I can say is thank god it was in the time before YouTube! You could make decent money doing that job – people do what they have to do.

Click to read more…

A tweet from Suicide Silence has just alerted me to the fact that the band recorded a cover of Alice in Chains’ classic “Them Bones” as an iTunes-only bonus track for their latest offering, No Time to Bleed.

Let me tell you what I like about this:

• Alice in Chains are not the band you’d guess Suicide Silence would cover.
• It forces Suicide Silence to do a real guitar solo.
• Suicide Silence truly made the song their own, and didn’t just do a version so faithful to the original as to render covering the song a pointless excercise.

Now let me tell what I don’t like about this:

• The way it actually came out.

Sorry. Maybe I’m just being a cranky old man, but holy crap, did this song not need deathcore vocals. And I say that as someone who actually likes Suicide Silence.

Anyways, here’s the song. I look forward to the bitchfest that will inevitably take place in our comments section.

-AR

Hulk Hogan was never my favorite pro-wrestler when I was a young ‘un, but he was pretty close. Anyone remember that Wrestlemania where he and The Ultimate Warrior (pretended to) beat the ever-lovin’ shit outta one another? EPIC. Vince and I used to debate if the Warrior had really robbed the Hulkster of his belt ’cause the ref was knocked out when Hogan pinned him, or if he would have won anyway. Then we discovered metal, grew pubes, and stopped caring about big sweaty half-naked dudes in silly costumes.

Oh, wait. Shit.

ANYWAY, a reader known only as “deanerhead” sent us this article earlier today. It’s mostly just Hulk Hogan hocking his new book, My Life Outside the Ring, but it does reveal this interesting tidbit:

Click to read more…

Deepthroat Tracheotomy. Their full demo is available for free download at Death Metal Invasion if anyone cares to find out what this band sounds like. Thanks once again to Cosmo Lee of Invisible Oranges for letting me know about this fantastic website.

-VN

Scott Weiland’s been out of Velvet Revolver for quite some time now, and there’s still no word on their search for a new singer. I had assumed that they hadn’t announced anyone because they just couldn’t find someone famous enough. I mean, let’s be real – they’re not gonna hire some unknown. If they did, they’d fail to be a supergroup – they’s just be Slash’s Snakepit III. As it stands, Slash doesn’t know Dave Kushner’s name (he repeatedly identifies his co-guitarist as “Dave Kirshner” in his autobiography), and he’s known Kushner since they were kids; what the fuck would he do with an unknown singer?

I guess there must be some other issue, though – ’cause Corey Taylor, front man for Slipknot and Stone Sour, recently revealed that he tried out for the spot:

“I had a meeting with those guys, we did some demos together, and it just didn’t work — for whatever reason… It was just really cool. It was one of those things where it’s like I could have got to jam with legends, man, in my opinion. But, you know, it was cool, and I still know those guys, I still hang out with them, and I still have nothing but respect.”

So I gotta wonder why this didn’t work out. Taylor’s voice is comparable to Weiland’s, he’s well-known, he’d probably bring in some young kids who might otherwise not give a shit about Guns Without Rose, and he’s a very charismatic and entertaining band leader. So did his personality just not gel with that of the dudes in VR? Were they worried that with two other bands, he was already over-committed? Did Roadrunner (the label that distributes both Slipknot and Stone Sour) put the kibosh on the whole thing, as they allegedly did when Taylor almost replaced John Bush in Anthrax? We might never know, but I find the whole thing pretty curious.

Weigh in with your thoughts on Taylor as the new Axl Weiland below. And while you’re pontificating, enjoy this bootleg video of Taylor performing “It’s So Easy” with Slash. It might be the closest we ever get to seeing  a Taylor-fronted VR.

-AR

Ever hear the phrase “<so and so person> could take a shit on a microphone and people would still fawn over it.”? I often hear it applied to Radiohead, and it’s kind of true… Thom Yorke could literally record himself leaving a stinking, putrid pile of diarrhea on a microphone and the press would laud it as absolute genius and hail it as groundbreaking [full disclosure: I love Radiohead]. Lately it seems like Mike Patton is approaching the “shit on a microphone” status of musical godliness… it doesn’t matter at all what the guy does and people drool like it’s revolutionary. And since the guy releases like 6 albums a year in styles that are all over the map, this happens quite often [full disclosure: I love Mike Patton].

Anyway, check out this video the lasses over at Reign in Blonde posted of Patton playing “a contraption called a intonarumori:  a noise making thing-a-ma-bobber from the WWII era that was used to mimic the sounds of machines.” Apparently there are shows scheduled in both San Francisco and New York at which “artists” will be playing this “instrument” live. Sounds like it’d be right up Gary Suarez’s alley.

-VN

MetalSucks reader J.A.M. dared us to make it through this entire video of the mysterious Nicki Rose… which I did, gladly. Even if you can’t make it from start to finish, make sure you stick with it until at least the 1:00 mark when the camera zooms out. Pure artistic genius like this doesn’t strike the earth often.

Reminds me a little of another MS favorite savant, Romeo Rose. Any relation?

-VN

I don’t think you could call this mariachi… I’m not sure what to call it. It’s Iron Maiden, it’s mariachi-ish sounding, and it’s in Spanish. Unfortunately it isn’t very well done… but it’s good for a chuckle. Can any fluent Spanish speakers tell us if the words are an accurate translation?

-VN

[Thanks: Trux]

Wow. Has it really come to this? Instructional videos to make sure that, God forbid, you don’t “come off as a prep or, even worse, a goth [eyeroll]?” What’s next, Joan Rivers on the red (black?) carpet of the Outburn Awards? “3OH!3! 3OH!3! What are you wearing?”

I realize it sounds like I’m angry; actually, I’m laughing so hard I’m doubled-over in pain. Sergeant D’s Stuff You Will Hate once again scores major props for sifting through all this shit to find the gems.

-AR

This is kind of like that video of Ronnie James Dio slamming Vivian Campbell in that things start off all normal, then the guy gets going on one topic, gets heated, and he’s off to the fucking races! Only it’s way funnier, and instead of Ronnie James Dio slamming Vivian Campbell it’s George motherfucking Corpsegrinder Fisher talking about… his affection for World of Worldcraft!

Not even 5 seconds into the interview, in response to a question about what he’ll do with his time off, the guy launches into a tirade that lasts over 7 minutes. Fuck this, fuck that, I love World of Warcraft, I have 4 characters at Level 70, fuck Night Elves (whatever those are…), fuck The Alliance (whatever that is…), I love World of Warcraft, I play it all the time on tour, I’ll fuck you, fuck this, fuck that… this is pure, grade-A, choice, 14-karat gold video footage right here. GOLD! This is a couple of years old already but I’m guessing most of you haven’t seen it yet.

There are so many potential World of Warcraft / Cannibal Corpse puns to be made here I don’t even know where to start. Give it your best shot in the comments.

-VN

[Thanks: Zmurciuk Kirill]

Aaaaannnnddd my heart is broken.

Blabbermouth reports that Independiente and the Domino Recording Company are suing Guns N’ Roses for ripping off two songs by Ulrich Schnauss for the song “Riad N’ the Bedouins,” which appears on the band’s forever-in-the-making flop of epic of proportions, Chinese Democracy. Now, a new law suits against Axl Rose and GN’R is filed approximately once an hour – Rose has even blamed said law suits in the past for being part of the reason for CD’s delay (as if) – so, normally, this would not be news.

Except that I’m 99.9% positive that Schnauss is correct, and he was ripped-off.

Click to read more…

Reader CB Mather e-mailed me over the weekend to assert that Alice in Chains’ new song, “Your Decision,” is “an obvious rip-off” of Nirvana’s “Polly.” Now, since I absolutely loved AIC’s new album, Black Gives Way to Blue, and really, really dig the song “Your Decision,” I immediately decided to investigate…

…and there are some undeniable similarities between the songs. The vocal lines are different and the choruses are not really similar at all, but the chord progression during the verse is… well… it’s not identical, but I can see a relationship there. I don’t know if I’d call it “an obvious rip-off,” but only the most die-hard AIC fan who can’t live with the thought of anyone saying anything even mildly insulting to the band would deny the similitude of the two songs.

Here they are side-by-side. I tend to think this is just one of those times when a song kinda-sorta sounds like another song, but the fact that they’re both Seattle bands from the same era makes the connection that much more relevant.

NIRVANA PERFORMING “POLLY” ON UNPLUGGED

ALICE IN CHAINS PERFORMING “YOUR DECISION” ON JIMMY KIMMEL

Click to read more…

Sent in by MS Maniac Marco Parra Castelán, this Black Sabbath “cover” comes to us by way of the Spanish 5-piece Fecal Coproboys.

Because farting has always been, still is, and will always be fucking hilarious.

-VN

Wow. Just… wow.

Idiots of the world: please keep posting videos of yourselves singing on YouTube. It makes my life.

-AR

Thanks to Es-meister for the tip!

MS Maniac Brutal Jay tipped us off to the existence of the hilarious Halloween “Metal Mayhem Child Costume” now available at Walmart. My immediate instinct was to be a hater and harp on the co-option of metal culture by a huge conglomerate who obviously cares solely about how much money this product bring in, but then I realized that, for a young kid who’s into metal, this costume is ten times cooler than your average superhero/devil/zombie/vampire whatever costume.

Although, I think if it were me, I’d definitely opt for the Mick Mars edition.

-VN

This is either a parody, or this band has now usurped these guys as the creators of the worst black metal video ever. I honestly can’t tell. But either way, it’s quite giggle-inducing. Giggle giggle giggle.

-AR

Thanks to Chas Meshell for the clip!