MetalSucks

With the Snot semi-reunion basically falling apart before it ever really got off the ground, the band’s remaining members -Mike Doling, John Fahnestock and Jamie Miller – needed to find another meal ticket. But rather than try and re-re-jigger Snot, they’ve decided to move forward under a new name: Tons.

Yes, you read that correctly. They just spelled “Snot” backwards and decided that this would be a good band name. Morons.

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The band is Anal Judicator — self-described as “the BEST Brutal MIDI Porn Grind band around” — and the song is “Cum Coated Colon.” Thanks to Car RamRod for this one.

WARNING: NSFW!!!!

-VN

Not only is Behemoth’s Nergal a country singer with no sense of humor, but apparently he’s also a commercial star in his native Poland. I haven’t the foggiest idea what these clips are about or what’s being said in them, but they are automatically fucking hilarious by way of Nergal’s presence. Thanks to MS reader “Fersas” for sending them in.

All joshing aside, Behemoth’s Evangelion was undoubtedly one of the best metal releases of 2009 and it’s sure to make its way onto several MS staffers’ year-end lists.

-VN

I’m still shocked about the unbelievably terrible tragedy that occurred this past weekend — Georgia-born Brooklyn fixture, masterful metronomic drummer Jerry Fuchs (Maserati, Turing Machine, !!!, The Juan Mclean, and more) fell down an elevator shaft late Saturday night and died shortly thereafter.

My interactions with Jerry were minimal, but every time we spoke I felt an overwhelming sense of kindness that informed me right away how good a person I was talking to. Even the first time we briefly met, I found Jerry to be so affable that we ended up deeply laughing at something or another like we had been friends since the 2nd grade. These are the types of people that we should always hope to surround ourselves with, and obviously the incredible news of his untimely death seems just plain wrong.

Before I ever met the man, I was a HUGE fan from afar — the first time I ever saw the fiery robo-prog band Turing Machine, there was no question from the beginning moments of the first song that the drummer up there was something extra-special. He played with such intensity and restraint, and witnessing Jerry’s talents behind the kit often reminded me how strong a musician can be simply with extreme precision, power, and spirit. For anyone who has ever seen him play live, you know how quickly he could get a crowd dancing and furthermore, how hypnotic the most straightforward basic rock beat always became in his hands.

Not to mention his crispy technique — those one-handed filles were deliciously ridiculous.

I can’t help but feel like the world has been robbed of a magnificent talent that was sure to have grown and grown to neo-Bonham-like status. But I also feel honored to have heard the music and met the man for a few fleeting conversations — whether it was down at SXSW or running into him at the music store up here in Brooklyn, every single conversation and live set I was ever fortunate enough to experience left me feeling a little better.

It seems friends and fans will be gathering this Thursday night at Enid’s in Greenpoint, Brooklyn at 7pm for an impromptu gathering to memorialize this legendary talent.

Links and videos after the jump.

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Fuck $14,000 moon-men statues; THIS is what I need. A laughingly shitty electric bass and an 8 Watt practice amp that are both “pre-owned” (?!?!?) by Chip Z’nuff? WANT WANT WANT!

Will someone with $150 to spare pretty please buy this combo for me? Deals this good don’t come around often. That’s “$150 FIRM,” people. No bargaining! To think Chip Z’nuff hands once graced the frebtboard and volume knob of these fine peices of rock memorabilia… sheesh! The mind boggles at the sheer enormity of the situation.

-VN

[Thanks: Edward Nudd]

Did anyone see that viral video that was going around this summer of the people dancing down the aisle at that wedding to the sounds of super-autotuned Chris Brown, or whatever the fuck the kids think is so cool these days?

Well Iron Maiden playing your wedding is so much cooler than that. And Iron Maiden playing your wedding in 1984 is possibly the coolest.

And, oh yeah, the wedding was Poland. So I guess the Polacks get the last laugh.

-AR

Thanks to Patton for the tip!

All I can say is: THIS IS FUCKING REAL.

Major, major props to Josh Jacobson for sending this in.

-AR

A reader known only as “Fersas” sent us the below clip of a band called Wolverine. Despite their name, which would lead you to believe that they’re a metal band or at least a rock outfit, they in fact play country music.

And, oh yeah, Nergal is doing the vocals.

I really don’t like this music and I think the idea of a Polish country band is kind of ridiculous, but I’d be lying if I said Nergal’s vocals suck. He sounds like a poor man’s Nick Cave part of the time, but I can live with that.

Anyways, this was apparently recorded in 2000. Enjoy.

-AR

And I don’t mean a man-whore.

Metal Insider found this blog, hilariously titled “That New Car Smell,” in which extreme music’s most famous lesbian announces that she is undergoing sexual reassignment surgery in order to legally marry her lover, an unnamed “A-list actress.” Some excerpts follow:

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Holy shit – did you know that there are actually people even worse than Juggalos? I saw this video on Topless Robot last night – a slideshow of fan art by so-called “Juggalo Furries,” or people “who are simultaneously into anthropomorphic animals and Insane Clown Posse.”

I couldn’t make this shit up, people. If I did, you’d never fucking believe it anyway.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wanna down a handful of sleeping pills with a tall glass of vodka. Since Vince and I are now friends with one out-of-the-closet Juggalo, I feel bad making a blanket statement like “All Juggalos are worthless fucktards.”

But I am 110% comfortable with the statement “All Juggalo Furries are worthless fucktards.”

Watch the video below… if you dare.

-AR

So we read on Metal Insider, who read on Drowned In Sound, who read on nme.com, that Rage Against the Machine’s Tom Morello used to be a stripper. Seriously. Says Morello:

When I graduated from Harvard and moved to Hollywood, I was unemployable. I was literally starving, so I had to work menial labour and, at one point, I even worked as an exotic dancer. ‘Brick House’ [by The Commodores] was my jam! I did bachelorette parties and I’d go down to my boxer shorts. Would I go further? All I can say is thank god it was in the time before YouTube! You could make decent money doing that job – people do what they have to do.

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A tweet from Suicide Silence has just alerted me to the fact that the band recorded a cover of Alice in Chains’ classic “Them Bones” as an iTunes-only bonus track for their latest offering, No Time to Bleed.

Let me tell you what I like about this:

• Alice in Chains are not the band you’d guess Suicide Silence would cover.
• It forces Suicide Silence to do a real guitar solo.
• Suicide Silence truly made the song their own, and didn’t just do a version so faithful to the original as to render covering the song a pointless excercise.

Now let me tell what I don’t like about this:

• The way it actually came out.

Sorry. Maybe I’m just being a cranky old man, but holy crap, did this song not need deathcore vocals. And I say that as someone who actually likes Suicide Silence.

Anyways, here’s the song. I look forward to the bitchfest that will inevitably take place in our comments section.

-AR

Hulk Hogan was never my favorite pro-wrestler when I was a young ‘un, but he was pretty close. Anyone remember that Wrestlemania where he and The Ultimate Warrior (pretended to) beat the ever-lovin’ shit outta one another? EPIC. Vince and I used to debate if the Warrior had really robbed the Hulkster of his belt ’cause the ref was knocked out when Hogan pinned him, or if he would have won anyway. Then we discovered metal, grew pubes, and stopped caring about big sweaty half-naked dudes in silly costumes.

Oh, wait. Shit.

ANYWAY, a reader known only as “deanerhead” sent us this article earlier today. It’s mostly just Hulk Hogan hocking his new book, My Life Outside the Ring, but it does reveal this interesting tidbit:

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Deepthroat Tracheotomy. Their full demo is available for free download at Death Metal Invasion if anyone cares to find out what this band sounds like. Thanks once again to Cosmo Lee of Invisible Oranges for letting me know about this fantastic website.

-VN

Scott Weiland’s been out of Velvet Revolver for quite some time now, and there’s still no word on their search for a new singer. I had assumed that they hadn’t announced anyone because they just couldn’t find someone famous enough. I mean, let’s be real – they’re not gonna hire some unknown. If they did, they’d fail to be a supergroup – they’s just be Slash’s Snakepit III. As it stands, Slash doesn’t know Dave Kushner’s name (he repeatedly identifies his co-guitarist as “Dave Kirshner” in his autobiography), and he’s known Kushner since they were kids; what the fuck would he do with an unknown singer?

I guess there must be some other issue, though – ’cause Corey Taylor, front man for Slipknot and Stone Sour, recently revealed that he tried out for the spot:

“I had a meeting with those guys, we did some demos together, and it just didn’t work — for whatever reason… It was just really cool. It was one of those things where it’s like I could have got to jam with legends, man, in my opinion. But, you know, it was cool, and I still know those guys, I still hang out with them, and I still have nothing but respect.”

So I gotta wonder why this didn’t work out. Taylor’s voice is comparable to Weiland’s, he’s well-known, he’d probably bring in some young kids who might otherwise not give a shit about Guns Without Rose, and he’s a very charismatic and entertaining band leader. So did his personality just not gel with that of the dudes in VR? Were they worried that with two other bands, he was already over-committed? Did Roadrunner (the label that distributes both Slipknot and Stone Sour) put the kibosh on the whole thing, as they allegedly did when Taylor almost replaced John Bush in Anthrax? We might never know, but I find the whole thing pretty curious.

Weigh in with your thoughts on Taylor as the new Axl Weiland below. And while you’re pontificating, enjoy this bootleg video of Taylor performing “It’s So Easy” with Slash. It might be the closest we ever get to seeing  a Taylor-fronted VR.

-AR

Ever hear the phrase “<so and so person> could take a shit on a microphone and people would still fawn over it.”? I often hear it applied to Radiohead, and it’s kind of true… Thom Yorke could literally record himself leaving a stinking, putrid pile of diarrhea on a microphone and the press would laud it as absolute genius and hail it as groundbreaking [full disclosure: I love Radiohead]. Lately it seems like Mike Patton is approaching the “shit on a microphone” status of musical godliness… it doesn’t matter at all what the guy does and people drool like it’s revolutionary. And since the guy releases like 6 albums a year in styles that are all over the map, this happens quite often [full disclosure: I love Mike Patton].

Anyway, check out this video the lasses over at Reign in Blonde posted of Patton playing “a contraption called a intonarumori:  a noise making thing-a-ma-bobber from the WWII era that was used to mimic the sounds of machines.” Apparently there are shows scheduled in both San Francisco and New York at which “artists” will be playing this “instrument” live. Sounds like it’d be right up Gary Suarez’s alley.

-VN

MetalSucks reader J.A.M. dared us to make it through this entire video of the mysterious Nicki Rose… which I did, gladly. Even if you can’t make it from start to finish, make sure you stick with it until at least the 1:00 mark when the camera zooms out. Pure artistic genius like this doesn’t strike the earth often.

Reminds me a little of another MS favorite savant, Romeo Rose. Any relation?

-VN

I don’t think you could call this mariachi… I’m not sure what to call it. It’s Iron Maiden, it’s mariachi-ish sounding, and it’s in Spanish. Unfortunately it isn’t very well done… but it’s good for a chuckle. Can any fluent Spanish speakers tell us if the words are an accurate translation?

-VN

[Thanks: Trux]

Wow. Has it really come to this? Instructional videos to make sure that, God forbid, you don’t “come off as a prep or, even worse, a goth [eyeroll]?” What’s next, Joan Rivers on the red (black?) carpet of the Outburn Awards? “3OH!3! 3OH!3! What are you wearing?”

I realize it sounds like I’m angry; actually, I’m laughing so hard I’m doubled-over in pain. Sergeant D’s Stuff You Will Hate once again scores major props for sifting through all this shit to find the gems.

-AR

This is kind of like that video of Ronnie James Dio slamming Vivian Campbell in that things start off all normal, then the guy gets going on one topic, gets heated, and he’s off to the fucking races! Only it’s way funnier, and instead of Ronnie James Dio slamming Vivian Campbell it’s George motherfucking Corpsegrinder Fisher talking about… his affection for World of Worldcraft!

Not even 5 seconds into the interview, in response to a question about what he’ll do with his time off, the guy launches into a tirade that lasts over 7 minutes. Fuck this, fuck that, I love World of Warcraft, I have 4 characters at Level 70, fuck Night Elves (whatever those are…), fuck The Alliance (whatever that is…), I love World of Warcraft, I play it all the time on tour, I’ll fuck you, fuck this, fuck that… this is pure, grade-A, choice, 14-karat gold video footage right here. GOLD! This is a couple of years old already but I’m guessing most of you haven’t seen it yet.

There are so many potential World of Warcraft / Cannibal Corpse puns to be made here I don’t even know where to start. Give it your best shot in the comments.

-VN

[Thanks: Zmurciuk Kirill]