When I was fifteen years old, I had to sneak out of my parents’ house on a Friday night to go see GWAR and the Misfits play a Halloween show. Then I had to conceal my clothing from my parents, seeing as it was, y’know, soaked in blood, urine, and semen.

Here we are all these years later, pretty much right at the anniversary of that show, and GWAR are on a popular, mainstream late-night talk show. And yet, somehow, they seem no less rebellious than they ever were.

Which is all my way of saying, “GWAR rules.” And they do. They rule. Hard.

ANYWAY, here are some things we did this week:

• Speaking of GWAR, Dave “Oderus Urungus” Brockie himself provided us with more insights into the NFL. Meanwhile, several members of the Relapse Records family gave us the skinny on the new NHL season, and The Austerity Program’s Justin Foley pondered the pros and cons of new technology in music.
• We debuted Jucifer’s new video, for the song “Hiroshima.”
• We got exclusive specs on Contain Us, the new box set from The Devin Townsend Project.
• We spoke to Steel Panther and Niilo Sevänen from Insomnium.
• We checked out the latest release from Carnifex.
• We continued the Countdown to the Metal Suckfest and defended Danzig.
• We counted down the eleven cardinal rules of attending a concert.
• We wondered if nu-dethcore is the next big thing.
• We cried because even ex-members of Metallica make bad music now.
• We argued about the best debut albums of the past twenty-five years.

And that’s it! Have a delightful weekend, gang. We’ll see ya Monday.

-AR

We had a lot of fun last year doing an NHL preview with our friends at Relapse Records – so much fun, in fact, that we wanted to do it again this year!

Unfortunately, we got a little distracted with some other business, and so this year’s edition is a) somewhat less comprehensive than last year’s, and b) not really a preview at all, seeing as the NHL season actually began two weeks ago. Still… we got some fun people weighing in, including members of Misery Index, Fuck the Facts, 16, and Hero Destroyed. Read ‘em all after the jump!

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Earlier this week I had a dream that I was working with Atreyu. I don’t know in what capacity I could possibly find myself “working with” Atreyu, since I’m not a manager, nor a publicist, nor a label rep, and they’re about as likely to end up doing a guest column here as I am to give the new In This Moment album a perfect 5-horn review, but, hey, the subconscious works in mysterious ways. Why did I have Atreyu on the brain? Was my mind trying to tell me “The glass is half-full?” Do I have  a hankering to re-watch The Neverending Story? Did I just ingest too many different substances that night? I’ll have to bring it up in therapy next week.

Here’s other shit that happened this week, some of which, believe it or not, is even more terrifying than the thought of working with Atreyu:

• Freddy Madball is counting down his favorite hard and heavy non-hardcore bands of all time, TesseracT’s Acle walked us through the history of djent, The Austerity Program’s Justin Foley spoke to Converge’s Kurt Ballou about Taco Riffs, The Red Chord’s Greg Weeks made some suggestions for losing NFL teams, Intronaut’s Sacha Dunable contemplated the ways in which technology has changed touring, Daath’s Eyal Levi wondered, “Is this it?”, and a wide array of metal stars previewed the just-begun NHL season.
• We spoke to Kirk Windstein from Crowbar/Down/Kingdom of Sorrow, Sean Z. from Daath, Daddy X and Dirtball from Kottonmouth Kings, and Yoshiki Hayashi from X Japan.
• We checked out the latest releases from Abysse and Deafheaven.
• We contemplated trancecore.
• As the headline says, we heard the worst thing ever.
• We reviewed the history of terrible Limp Bizkit cover songs.
• We had fun with misheard song lyrics.
• We bemoaned the signing of another re-thrash band.
• We applauded Slayer fans’ desire to help the physically disabled.
• We had yet another laugh at Winds of Plague’s expense.

We have a special surprise for you next week. I can’t promise you’re going to like it, but I can promise you’re going to have a strong reaction to it. See ya then.

-AR

So right now you’re probably thinking 1) “Hey, assholes, the NHL season actually started last night so this can’t really be a ‘preview’ in the traditional sense of the word,” and 2) “Hey, assholes, at least one of these artists isn’t actually signed to Relapse Records.” And, yes, we know we’re a little late, but this is metal, so who the fuck is ever on time? And, yes, we know that at least one of these artists isn’t actually signed to Relapse Records, but most of them are, and the fine people at Relapse really did all the work in putting this together, so ppppfffffttttt.

So. After the jump, you can find previews of how the freshly-begun NHL season is looking for the favorite teams of members of 3 Inches of Blood, -(16)-, Buried Inside, Cephalic Carnage, Cretin, Dekapitator, Exhumed, Fuck the Facts, Gravehill, Hero Destroyed, Indian, Misery Index, Mortuous, Repulsion, and Toxic Holocaust. Enjoy!!!

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In my 20+ years of listening to metal/hardcore/etc, there are few records that have made a bigger impact on me than the “Cry Now, Cry Later” compilations. For those who aren’t familiar, this series of four double-7″ compilations collected some of the mid ’90s most brutal and important grindcore/power violence bands, and I still listen to it on the regular (although nowadays that’s usually on my iPod while I’m at the gym).

Before I dig into the tracks themselves, a little background: You may know Pessimiser as the label who put out some great records from bands like 16, Despise You, Excruciating Terror, Grief and Phobia, but it was originally a zine. The brains behind the zine, label and Despise You is Chris Elder, who is not only hilarious, but among the world’s most cynical human beings (as you might be able to tell from the name of his band and label). Chris is born and raised in the sketchy town of Inglewood, which has its fair share of cholos (Mexican gangsters), and the name of the record is a parody of the famous cholo saying “Smile Now, Cry Later.”

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It has been my life’s work to find the heaviest band on the face of the planet, and I believe that I may have found my holy grail: a young metalcore band called DEMOLISHER. Purists will be outraged I’m sure, but if the intro riff to “Decimated” doesn’t make you mosh the instant that you press “play,” you have no soul. Not since I first heard Suffocation, Devourment, and Cephalotripsy have I been so floored by a band — it’s almost comical how fucking heavy this band is, like the groove of 16 meets the absurdly downtuned-breakdowns of Hemdale with a heavy dose of 90′s beatdown hardcore ala Bulldoze or Merauder. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard anything this crushingly sludgy and over the top.

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In 1992 or so, someone who must have inherited a few oil wells figured that it’d be a good idea to give some of that scratch to the Beastie Boys so that they could publish their own magazine. I don’t think you have to like them as a band or even as a cultural force to appreciate what it must have been like for these guys to get that first check. “You wrote a date rape anthem called ‘Fight for Your Right to Party’ and then proceeded to ignite doctoral dissertations with your next record. Here’s a shitload of cash so that you can indulge the spohomoric writing whims of you and your friends.” Even after the beepers of every weed dealer south of 34th Street finally stopped buzzing, there was plenty of moolah left over to stage photo shoots, subsidize starving indie writers, and pay for a die cut to assemble your own bootie bass jeep from the back cover.

Of course it all went bust, but the most lasting cultural impression of that cash vacuum were the metal record reviews that happened in the third or fourth issue, where the guy correctly identified records by Eyehategod, Today is the Day, 16, and one other band I don’t remember as being the shit we all had to go buy. I knew enough about TDID to take the cue, and so went out and bought the other three. And the most important thing in this review was the guy talking about was “Taco Riffs.”  When you heard those records, you knew exactly – EXCATLY – what he was talking about.

My noble band-mate Thad Calabrese and I have never had any confusion or even any discussion about what a Taco Riff is. It’s just the two of us, and so some late nights driving back from an ill-conceived show we’ll be playing “Strap It On” just to stay awake. Side 2 kicks in, the band clears away “FBLA” and then they rip it with “Blacktop.” And that “chorus” riff, accented the second time through with the vocals – “Walk on top. And you run beneath…” – we’ll just look at each other and won’t even have to say. Fucking Taco Riff. YES.

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The title of this post is sort of a puzzle in secret code, but I’m sure most of you can figure it out. Right? Take a minute. It’s not that difficult. Really? You can’t figure it out. I know headbanging can cause brain damage, but come on, man. This isn’t that hard.

OK fine. If you’re really that stumped, click below and I’ll explain.

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I barely remember the lost weekend I once spent in Baltimore. Was I bored, or just doing what I do? I dunno. I dunno.

Looks like I might be going back, though: D.R.I. have been added to the already stellar line-up of the 2010 edition of Maryland Deathfest. This is just the latest in a long line of good reasons to attend, not least of which is that it is, at least as far as I’m aware, currently the only scheduled U.S. appearance of Australia’s Portal, whose new album Swarth is currently frightening metalheads across the world. Throw in Converge, Magrudergrind, Entombed, Obituary, Watain, Melechesh, Jucifer, Gridlink, Gorod, 16, and a plethora of other awesome bands, and I think I could have a weekend in Baltimore even more lost than my last.

Get Maryland Deathfest’s complete line-up-to-date after the jump.

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16 is a fucking brutal band on Relapse that doesn’t get nearly enough coverage here, largely due to the band’s apparent refusal to embark on a lengthy tour to promote its latest collection of furious violent outbursts Bridges To Burn, which our own Satan Rosenbloom reviewed back in January. I actually dig this album way more than my colleague, and it ranks among my favorite records released this year thus far. In order to express my love for this band, in the hopes that you’ll check 16 out and become a fan of its de-motivational music, here’s an update on the group’s current goings-on.

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Finally… we have a capable, intelligent, forward-thinking new U.S. president. No, it’s not Dave Mustaine. Here’s what else happened this week:

• We wondered aloud and speculated about Slayer’s co-headline tour, New England Metal & Hardcore Fest, Scion Rock Fest (aka Atlanta Metalfest), and The Faceless’ headline tour. This spring just got awesome.
• We ran to the hills to avoid a shitty classic metal cover. Meanwhile, we found Iron Maiden in Iran and on the big screen.
• We got sexi(vious) with members of Cynic and Textures.
• We looked at new releases from Satyricon, Cattle Decapitation, 16 and Rumpelstiltskin Grinder.
• Maynard got all Jiu-Jitsu on our asses and Carcass played a wedding.

Axl, myself and our girlfriends (we have girlfriends… whowouldathunkit???) are going to see The Dark Knight on the IMAX tonight. Hopefully weed will be involved. Later, suckaz!!

What with forthcoming albums from Necrophagist, Baroness and Obscura hogging most of the spotlight reserved for Relapse’s 2009 release schedule, and the nation’s attention focused elsewhere on their January 20th release date, it’d be easy to overlook these two solid Relapse contenders. We at MetalSucks couldn’t let that happen, could we?

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Just because it’s simple don’t mean it ain’t good. In fact, 16′s brand of stripped-down sludge is strikingly simple and raw but so, so brutal in its agitated energy. A press release we received yesterday declares 16 “Legendary sludge misanthropes” — I can’t argue for “legendary” ’cause I’ve never heard of ‘em (there go my precious scene points) but I’ll take the press release’s word for it; I can’t argue for “misanthropes” because I’m not focusing on the lyrics (not that I ever really do); but 16 are most certainly swampy, dirty, murky, muddy and sludged the fuck out. If Page Hamilton had taken a few more bong hits he just might have formed 1 instead of Helmet.

I just listened to all five songs on their MySpace page twice through (my favorite: “Born To Lose”) and I still want more; guess I’m gonna have to pick up their new (reunion!) album Bridges to Burn when it drops January 20th on Relapse Records.

-VN

[Read about 16's history on the Relapse website.]