MetalSucks

Today was Friday the 13th, but absolutely nothing bad happened to me. I mean, the night is young so shit could still go horribly awry I suppose, but all in all, I had a pretty good day – nay, I had a pretty good week. If only the same could be said for the world of metal. Here’s some disasters the plagued various musicians this week:

• Slash completed his decade-long indoctrination into the Metallica “Fuck Our Fans” Club.
• We’re not sure if Steven Tyler is still in Aerosmith or not, but we are sure that we don’t give a fuck either way.
• There was a lot of controversy over a really, really ugly painting.
• No can explain to me why I should care about Alter Bridge.
• Fear Faction ate s’more babies, released a new song.
• R.I.P. Jerry Fuchs.

And, oh yeah, some good news: MetalSucks is going to do a digital release of The Binary Code’s Suspension of Disbelief on December 15 for just five bucks! Get stoked.

Alright. I’m off to go hear Vince spin. Have a nice weekend everyone. Next week we have another extra, super-duper special surprise for you…

-AR

I mean, come ON! Does anyone, including Perry and Tyler themselves, actually believe that a) Aerosmith will continue on with a different singer, and b) Tyler won’t eventually go back to the band again? For fuck’s sake, what a load of horseshit. Tyler will go off and do his own thing for a year or two and then there’ll be an inevitable “OMG!! Aerosmith is back!! For possibly the last time ever!!!” reunion tour. Can we please just skip the bullshit and stop pretending like this won’t happen?

Shut the fuck up already. For the love of God. Have some damn class. Not like they’ve had a decent album in nearly 20 years anyway.

-VN

UPDATE: Crisis averted! Apparently Steven Tyler made a guest appearance at a Joe Perry gig last night and announced “I am not leaving Aerosmith.” I win! Thanks to Mr. Suarez for the below video.

Everyone seems to be losing their shit because it looks like Aerosmith might break-up. I’ve read so many fucking puns on the album title Permanent Vacation this week that I am now 99.9% sure that most people writing about the band have never even heard of another fucking Aerosmith album (See what I did with my headline, fellas? They also have some song titles that could be appropriate for this particular occassion. Get it together, you lazy motherfuckers.). And besides, there’s a couple of things we need to consider:

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In honor of Alaskan metalcore band 36 Crazyfists’ new DVD, Under a Northern Sky (in stores October 27), a list of 35 other famous, metal, heavy, and/or crazy fists:

Click to read more…

A few years ago Slayer performed Reign in Blood in its entirety, a year later Metallica did Master of Puppets, and now Exodus are gonna do Bonded by Blood, Judas Priest are doing British Steel, Motley Crue are doing Dr. Feelgood, Ratt are doing Out of the Cellar, Aerosmith are doing Toys in the Attic, Melvins are doing Houdini, etc. What does the MetalSucks Haterade Mafia think; is this trend lame, or is it cool?

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That makes me feel old somehow.

Here’s Aerosmith doing “Mama Kin” in 1977.

-AR

I haven’t watched any of Sam Kinison’s old stand-up in years, so I have no idea how his work holds up – but when I was a younger, I thought he was just about the funniest human being that had ever lived, and when he died, I was really, really upset about it.

I heard recently that HBO is making a TV movie about Kinison’s life – which is why I was thinking about him again – and I suddenly remembered Kinison’s video for his cover of “Wild Thing.”

Today the video seems vastly inferior to Brian Posehn’s “Metal by Numbers,” because a) that song is actually about metal, b) that song isn’t a cover, and c) that song doesn’t have Tommy Lee in its video. But at the time, this clip was the shit – I mean, in addition to the aforementioned Lee, it also features Slash, Billy Idol, Richie Sambora, members of Aerosmith and Ratt, and Jessica Hahn’s tits.

-AR

I betcha when you saw that headline, you got all excited and thought I was talking about the band’s new album, didnjcha? Sorry if I misled you, but, really, doncha think ya oughta know better by now?

In point of fact, I’m referring to the news that there’s going to be a Guitar Hero game based around Metallica, not unlike that Aerosmith one that’s coming out later this summer. Says Game Spot:

“Guitar Hero: Metallica is no longer a case of wishful thinking or idle speculation–it’s fact. When sifting through an SEC filing of Activision’s over the weekend, Wedbush Morgan Securities analyst Edward Woo–associate of the highly visible Michael Pachter–uncovered a gem in the section where the Santa Monica, California-based publisher discussed its upcoming game slate.”

I know a lot of people think that the Guitar Hero craze is over, but the game’s sales (and ongoing sales of new downloadable songs) don’t reflect that; personally, I’m playing way less GH than I was a year ago, but that’s mostly because after perfecting Slayer’s “Raining Blood” and, yes, Metallica’s “One,” I just couldn’t be bothered with songs by craps acts like My Chemical Romance anymore. In other words: I can see myself wasting several weeks of my life on this game – and, yes, I’ve taken into account that I won’t want to play anymore once I’ve reached all post-’91 material (Yes, I’m one of those people who actually likes The Black Album. Deal with it.). Getting really, insanely good at “Fade to Black” and “Disposable Heroes” should keep me plenty occupied, thank you very much.

The game is supposed to drop in the first quarter of ‘09. Tell your girlfriend that would be a perfect time for her to gather her posse and finally check out that Sex and the Shitty movie you’re refusing to take her to.

-AR

[Thanks: Myles Hutchinson]

Look: I know the new Def Leppard single, “Nine Lives,” is gonna suck, and you know the new Def Leppard single is gonna suck. Even if Def Lep haven’t grown into as monumental an embarrassment as, say, Motley Crue, they certainly haven’t written anything anyone should give a crap about in a long, long while. Plus, “Nine Lives” – which comes from the band’s forthcoming new offering, Songs from the Sparkle Lounge* – is a collaboration with country singer/Faith Hill fucker Tim McGraw, which places it squarely in the Sevendust/Chris Daughtry “Just Shoot Me in the Fucking Head” category.

But the band is releasing the single via Guitar Hero III, and I’m tired of playing “One” and “Raining Blood” over and over again. So, yes, I do plan to download the song and play the living shit out of it.

Besides, it has to better than Aerosmith’s “Nine Lives”… right?

-AR

*They couldn’t just call it Gay: The Album?

Our buds over at Idolator have posted a fascinating video from National Geographic’s Incredible Human Machine TV show, featuring in-throat video of recent surgery performed on the Aerosmith singer’s vocal chords. Watch as some ruptured blood vessels on the vocal chords get zapped away by lasers in mere seconds, and then view his vocal chords gyrating in real time — post-surgery — as the singer belts out “Dream On.”

Sadly, National Geographic doesn’t explore the anatomy of Tyler’s humongous lips.

View the video here.

-VN