MetalSucks

All this talk about Slash’s upcoming solo album has got me playing “Fantasy Velvet Revolver” in my head once again. Though I still hold out hope that Axl’s idea of having Perry Farrell front the band comes to fruition, I know in my heart that there’s probably a better chance of Scott Weiland rejoining the band, which is admittedly a pretty remote possibility. Remote like Siberia.

So looking through the list of vocalists purportedly gracing the axeman’s new record, I see a number of qualified albeit unlikely candidates to fill Weiland’s still-vacant spot. Yeah, it would be a heavy music lover’s dream to have Ozzy Osbourne sing for the band, considering the craptastic nature of his last few solo albums. Realistically, that would be an unholy managerial nightmare with the potential capacity to yield a catastrophic clusterfuck to put the legal woes of Black Sabbath and Guns N’ Roses to shame. Dave Grohl’s too busy counting his money and playing geriatric rock with his idols to commit to yet another band. These days, Alice Cooper and Lemmy Kilmister have the commercial drawing power of, well, Alice Cooper and Lemmy Kilmister, and maybe would shift a few more units than a Velvet Revolver fronted by an unknown (anyone remember Eric Dover or Rod Jackson?) or that dude from Spacehog. Don’t even get me started on Fergie.

One other name on that list, however, actually makes sense…

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The Starbucks Incident

Yes, I am going to continue to bitch about Slash. I understand that Slash is not Jimi Hendrix but this might be the single biggest betrayal to my formative years since Metallica released everything they’ve released from Load on, and I need to mourn.

So. Some lady says that the following singers are all on Slash’s new solo album, How Could Taking My Cues from Carlos Santana Possibly Go Wrong? I have added my own thoughts because that’s what we do around here. Click to read more…

In honor of Alaskan metalcore band 36 Crazyfists’ new DVD, Under a Northern Sky (in stores October 27), a list of 35 other famous, metal, heavy, and/or crazy fists:

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So what was your entre into the world where denim, leather n’ demonology reign supreme? Where you adore the goat and sway to the symphony of deee-struction? Every man (or woman) has a tale to tell. Here’s mine. You’re gonna hear a lot of names you might be unfamiliar with, especially if you’re a member of Attack Attack! (Or just plain anyone under 23!) You’re gonna be thinking, “Damn, this fucker is old!” Yeah, well just remember that I’ve seen seen stuff that would make you shit Perrier with jealousy. I’m definitely old enough to have seen Minor Threat, Cliff Burton-era Metallica… the list goes on… before most of you were a tadpole in yer pappy’s population paste.

Let’s start at Discharge. I could go back and trace the whole history of early 80’s hardcore for you, but neither of us have the time or attention span. Let’s just say, the minute I heard these Stroke-on-Trent monsters of the nuclear reactor riff on the monstrous Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing album, I nearly pissed my pants. It was the gateway to something far heavier than I had ever heard on a scratchy 7” from the new record store that had opened in Boston called Newbury Comics.

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First, let’s just talk about how we arrived at this place we currently find ourselves:

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In case you didn’t know, Alice Cooper is a lame old man. How lame and old? He plays golf…

…and wrote a book about playing golf…

…and is friends with Pat Boone. Yes, that Pat Boone.

So how is it possible that a church group could still find this 61 year-old boring fart threatening?

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Last week, Elise at Reign in Blonde wrote a piece entitled “TOP 5 SONGS I WOULD PROBABLY USE AS MY STRIPPER SONG.”

Improbably enough, this led to a stoned think-session where I came up with a list of the top five songs I would probably use as my own stripper song. ‘Cause I know you all wanna see me strip so badly.

Okay, here we go:

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I’m not as offended by the idea of remaking/rebooting/rewhatevering Friday the 13th as I am by some of the other recent horror remakes; even though I grew up on the Friday films and love them to death (no pun intended), they were always crap, so what’s the worst that could happen with a remake?

So here’s Alice Cooper’s video for “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask),” which comes from the soundtrack for my personal favorite entry in the Friday series, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. I wonder what Jason Voorhees would make of it…?

-AR

Why the fuck would Alice Cooper make a ten minute plus music video for three separate songs? Why would anyone believe that a sixty year old man in make-up could overpower and murder a healthy woman a third his age? Why did someone feel the need to make sure Slash’s guitar was plugged in for a music video where he was only pretending to play the guitar? Ponder these questions and more as you watch the below. But be forewarned: IT’S TEN FUCKING MINUTES LONG.

-AR

[Via Bring Back Glam]

Need I say more?

[via Ain't It Cool News]

-AR

[Apparently this actually a clip from a movie I've never heard of, not a "music video" per se. Still, it's pretty fantastic. -Ed.]

In between stumping for John McCain and playing golf, Alice Cooper has apparently found time to take a trip downunder to Australia. Apparently even the muscle of love himself is prone to graying roots. [from MetalSucks reader Stephen B.]

-VN

(In addition to the highly wily ganja,) I’m pretty partial to ppppillz myself, but if alcohol was my vice (oh wait — it is too!) I would now know how to quit. Umm…golf??? According to spiderweb-cellar master darkman Alice Cooper (né Vincent Furnier), “more guys need to be addicted to golf.” Apparantly when Cooper got out of rehab and needed to figure out a way to get over his bottle-of-whiskey-a-day (and then some) drinking habit, he occupied his time by playing a lot of the world’s most boring sport.

“I used to get up in the morning, drink a beer, then another one, and watch The Price Is Right…but when I would wake up puking blood I knew there was something wrong” he explained to Craig Ferguson the other night on a rerun of The Late Late Show, “…and when I got out of rehab, there was just nothing to do. So I started playing golf, and I would play 18 holes in the morning, take a lunch break, play 18 more holes, and then practice for a few hours. I played 36 holes of golf every day for a year.”

I’m proud of Alice for kicking the habit of booze, really I am, but for the record — golf is much more fun when you drink. Seriously.

-KW

Visit Alice Cooper’s website

Visit Alice Cooper on MySpace

Buy Alice’s book — Alice Cooper, Golf Monster: My Twelve Steps To Becoming A Golf Addict

When LA transplant Scott Ian recently declared that “I come from a New York that doesn’t exist any more so there’s not much for me to miss,” you could hardly blame the guy; this city is rapidly dying and will soon be one big strip mall. Case in point: John Varvatos’ take-over of the space that was once CBGB. Even though we’ve known this was coming for a while, the press release Varvatos’ “peeps” put out yesterday made me foam at the mouth with rage all over again – mostly because it’s indicative of what a truly self-centered, disingenuous poseur Varvatos is. After the jump, the press release – with our comments in bold, natch.

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I hate Halloween. I mean, I guess I don’t mind it in theory, but here in NYC, there’s this huge parade every year that makes it virtually impossible to cross Sixth Avenue all night, which is a real bitch, ’cause I live on one side of Sixth but work on the other – so, sooner or later, I’m gonna hafta try and find a way across. Basically, my evening turns into the most irritating game of Frogger, like, ever.

ANYWAY, here’s ten metal videos that, for whatever reason, strike me as Halloween appropriate. Enjoy.

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