Okay, let’s imagine you’re at a party on the beach, and as you’re packing a fourth slice of pizza into your face, you overhear someone state unequivocally that Bon Jovi and The Beastie Boys are more important than Rush. You’d grimace, but, hey, sales are sales and impact is debatable. It’s a party; be nice.

Then, as you resurface from a sand puddle gravity bong hit, that someone continues with an assertion that Rush is also less vital to modern music than the guy with the big spoken word hit about boffing mermaid chicks (or something) and, oh, let’s not forget the singer of a Phil Spector holiday song who went on to co-star in the Lethal Weapon films. (Jesus, does Scorsese get more than one vote?)

Finally, as you grit your teeth and instinctively glare at the source of these statements, your ears are raped by further by the spoken implication that Rush doesn’t measure up to the motherfucking J. Geils Band.

Party or no party, by now you’re mindlessly stomping this dumbshit into a dust just on principle. It’s like temporary insanity, right? “Had to be done,” you’d tell the judge. “Your honor, you’ve heard that song ‘Freeze Frame.’ Rush Pride for life!”

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Just a couple of weeks ago Rob Zombie gave an interview where he expressed displeasure over the way Ozzy Osbourne was stealing band members from him; now he’s quickly denied us of potentially weeks or even months of online shit-talking by releasing a statement which ostensibly absolves Ozzy of all responsibility for Zombie’s anger. From Zombie’s MySpace page:

“I am very happy to put this Zombie vs Ozzy crap to rest. I just got off the phone with Ozzy and all is good with us. I have known Ozzy and Sharon for many years and have never had any problems with them. In fact they have always been very cool and easy to deal with. So, needless to say I found this whole situation very strange and a real bummer. This whole thing was really always between my band and a certain ex-drummer not between me and Ozzy. I wish Ozzy nothing but the best. End of story.”

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We now rejoin Allyson B. Crawford (Bring Back Glam!) and Anso DF (MetalSucks) and their riveting analysis of Glam Metal’s Ten Best Must-Have Records.

Get caught up on yesterday’s action here.

***

7. TRASH - Alice Cooper

July 25, 1989 // Epic Records // p: Desmond Child

The hits: “Poison” “Bed of Nails” “House of Fire” “Only My Heart Talkin’”

The heart: “Hell Is Living Without You” “Spark In The Dark” “I’m Your Gun”

Anso: So by 1989′s Trash, Coop had been in a booze stupor for like seven straight albums. The good news was that his successful comeback tour inspired some check-writing at Epic Records. But that support came with strict control, or at least that’s what the presence of Bon Jovi/Kiss/Aerosmith/Ratt hit-maker Desmond Child implies. So Allyson, what’s your stance on Desmond Child?

Allyson: I got to interview Alice Cooper once. One of the highlights of my life, I swear. The man rules. He was all about sobriety when we spoke and I think that’s awesome. Now, Desmond Child. Oh my. I’ve written about him before on Bring Back Glam!. I suppose he is — no, he is a genius, but damn. Aerosmith is my favorite band of all time and Child sort of took away their grit. So that hurt. But for some people he really, really helped and that’s Alice Cooper. Alice needed a hit for a new generation and Trash came along at the right time, didn’t it? Oh and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to meet and interview Desmond Child, so there you go.

Anso: Hey, same here! His stuff is mega-cheesy, but so are delicious Cheetos. Plus, Detonator rules, so it’s easy to forgive misfires like “I Was Made For Lovin’ You.” Oh and of course I warmed to him after VH1 aired that hilarious footage of his collaboration with (and antagonism of) Vince Neil. You saw that right? “Hello-o! Successs!”

Allyson: Yeah, I’ve seen that. Oh, I’ve seen it.

Anso: Okay, Trash was buffed up by a full whack of celebrity guests: Richie Sambora and Jon Bon Jovi, Kip Winger, Guy Mann-Dude, Steve Lukather, and 80% of Aerosmith. I suppose they helped pull chicks and young people to this old man record. Did these guys make Trash more attractive to you in any way?

Allyson: Because I’m a chick? Well, here’s the thing about me. I’ll agree there are some hot guys in rock, but that doesn’t mean much to me when it comes to music I like. If the song rocks, awesome. If not, okay. I like tons of music that is mocked — often right here on MetalSucks, ha! — and I always “go my own way if you will.” Trash is awesome to me because I love the songs. “Only My Heart Talkin’” is a great love song, a completely different type of power ballad. But, back to guests. I usually don’t care about guest stars on albums. I buy records because I want to hear the real band — not a slew of guests, you know?

Anso: Yeah. I’m not an Alice Cooper scholar, but I’ll wager that Trash is his sexiest record. It’s a bit uncomfortable to hear a 41-year old Coop describe passionate banging.

Allyson: As you know, my dear Anso, sexy is in the eyes of the beholder.

Anso: Hey, let’s talk about Trash‘s super-hit, “Poison.” Can you think of any single in history with such a memorably quirky riff? It’s awesome on its own and I love how they set it against different chords in the intro.

Allyson: So I’ve talked to Alice guitarist Keri Kelli a few times. Once I said I was frustrated trying to learn bass and guitar parts for some Alice songs. And Keri said something like, “Look, if you want to learn ‘Poison’ it’s just going to take awhile.” This frustrated me because I have little patience. I think I got off the phone with Keri, looked at the guitar and then sat down with a bag of chips or something. Anyway, yes, “Poison” is freaking epic. One of the best songs of the ’80s. Then again, Alice is a master. I love when the band performs “Poison” live. The crowd always goes batshit crazy.

Anso: What else makes you love this record?

Allyson: Hmm. It’s the sum of its parts I guess. I think all the songs fit well together, there’s not really a dud and the album helped push Alice to the top again. The cover photo is iconic. It was in magazines first and then Alice chose it as his cover — so I remember seeing the image of Alice everywhere as a kid. I had this instant connection to the record I suppose.

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When you tune into the premiere broadcast of The Second Annual Revolver Golden Gods Awards tomorrow night on VH1 classic, you’ll see the final public appearance of our beloved Ronnie James Dio. You’ll also see Jerry Cantrell and Mike Inez of Alice In Chains, winner of roughly half of the meaningful awards, enjoying the metal community’s validation of their potentially dicey comeback effort, the magnificent Black Gives Way To Blue. You’ll see metal codgers like Rob Halford, Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osbourne, and Lemmy bathe in much-deserved adulation. You’ll also see potentially ho-hum performances pumped up by mega-drummers: Rob Zombie with Joey Jordison (in his debut performance), Fear Factory with Gene Hoglan, Brian Posehn with John Tempesta (and Brett Anderson girl call me srsly) and Slash with Dave Grohl.

But at a mere 60 minutes, the broadcast can’t capture all of the April 8 event’s super moments and silly gaffes. Here’s a few things you won’t see:

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The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Gene Simmons has finally gotten into the insurance business. Chaim Witz has been exploring new and exciting ways to slap the KISS logo on any and all products for the last three decades, and at this point, his marketing and merchandising efforts have long since jumped the shark. I could come up with something witty, but that would just be a waste of time. Honestly, I’m curious why it took him so long to finally get involved in this market.

Mr. Simmons’s new group, Cool Springs Life Equity Strategy, was launched last month to tap into a lucrative demographic: entertainers, sports stars and other people with a net worth of $20 million or more who need a life-insurance policy of $10 million or greater. The firm’s founders, who include David R. Carpenter, formerly of insurance powerhouse Transamerica, believe there is big opportunity to sell jumbo insurance policies to rich people.

Yes, undoubtedly there is.

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Poor Joey Jordison must get bored when he’s not busy with Slipknot; besides Corey Taylor and Clown, he’s easily the most visible member of the band, even when they’re on hiatus (as they are right now). This is extra-amazing when you consider the fact that, unlike Taylor or Clown, he doesn’t really have a side-project: the one he started, Murderdolls, released one album in 2002, did a whole bunch of touring behind it, and then promptly broke-up. (MD vocalist Wednesday 13 recently hinted at a possible Murderdolls reunion, but that doesn’t actually seem to be happening.) But Jordison constantly manages to stay in the spotlight, be it through producing gigs (3 Inches of Blood’s Fire Up the Blades) or, more often, guest spots with other well-known bands: he recorded some drums for Otep’s House of Secrets (as though Otep didn’t sound enough like Slipknot already), toured with Ministry, and did a few tour dates with Satyricon before a couple of their members got arrested on a kiddie-sex charge and that trek was canceled.

And now it’s been announced that Jordison will spend the spring and summer playing for Rob Zombie.

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The idea of Alice Cooper and Rob Zombie touring together is such a “Well, duh” kinda thing that I can’t believe it’s taken so long for it to become a reality. (In a press release Zombie says that “Me and The Coop have been talking about touring together for the last 15 years” – so at least it’s not like the idea just occurred to them or anything.) There wouldn’t even be a Rob Zombie if not for Cooper, the original dude to put on make-up to sing anthemic hard rock and pop metal based around the kinds of themes usually reserved for horror movies (The Universal Monster kind, not the Slasher-flick kind – that’s more Cannibal Corpse’s territory.). Cooper has likened this tour to Dracula Vs. Frankenstein, and that’s a dead-on assessment of the bill; the only thing that could make the line-up even more obvious is if they got The Misfits (or, at the very least, Wednesday 13) to open for them.

Unfortunately, the tour is only going to last all of seven dates. Hopefully this ends up being like that original run of Megadeth/Slayer Canadian shows, where it seems like everyone was just testing the waters before moving forward with a more extensive tour. And Zombie’s commitment to this summer’s Mayhem Festival may have something to do with why there are so few stops on this trek – he may be contractually obligated to stay away from certain markets for X period of time on either side of those shows. But this sounds like it will actually be a really fun tour. Hopefully the fall will bring round two… just in time for Halloween, perhaps?

Dates after the jump.

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All this talk about Slash’s upcoming solo album has got me playing “Fantasy Velvet Revolver” in my head once again. Though I still hold out hope that Axl’s idea of having Perry Farrell front the band comes to fruition, I know in my heart that there’s probably a better chance of Scott Weiland rejoining the band, which is admittedly a pretty remote possibility. Remote like Siberia.

So looking through the list of vocalists purportedly gracing the axeman’s new record, I see a number of qualified albeit unlikely candidates to fill Weiland’s still-vacant spot. Yeah, it would be a heavy music lover’s dream to have Ozzy Osbourne sing for the band, considering the craptastic nature of his last few solo albums. Realistically, that would be an unholy managerial nightmare with the potential capacity to yield a catastrophic clusterfuck to put the legal woes of Black Sabbath and Guns N’ Roses to shame. Dave Grohl’s too busy counting his money and playing geriatric rock with his idols to commit to yet another band. These days, Alice Cooper and Lemmy Kilmister have the commercial drawing power of, well, Alice Cooper and Lemmy Kilmister, and maybe would shift a few more units than a Velvet Revolver fronted by an unknown (anyone remember Eric Dover or Rod Jackson?) or that dude from Spacehog. Don’t even get me started on Fergie.

One other name on that list, however, actually makes sense…

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The Starbucks Incident

Yes, I am going to continue to bitch about Slash. I understand that Slash is not Jimi Hendrix but this might be the single biggest betrayal to my formative years since Metallica released everything they’ve released from Load on, and I need to mourn.

So. Some lady says that the following singers are all on Slash’s new solo album, How Could Taking My Cues from Carlos Santana Possibly Go Wrong? I have added my own thoughts because that’s what we do around here. Click to read more…

In honor of Alaskan metalcore band 36 Crazyfists’ new DVD, Under a Northern Sky (in stores October 27), a list of 35 other famous, metal, heavy, and/or crazy fists:

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So what was your entre into the world where denim, leather n’ demonology reign supreme? Where you adore the goat and sway to the symphony of deee-struction? Every man (or woman) has a tale to tell. Here’s mine. You’re gonna hear a lot of names you might be unfamiliar with, especially if you’re a member of Attack Attack! (Or just plain anyone under 23!) You’re gonna be thinking, “Damn, this fucker is old!” Yeah, well just remember that I’ve seen seen stuff that would make you shit Perrier with jealousy. I’m definitely old enough to have seen Minor Threat, Cliff Burton-era Metallica… the list goes on… before most of you were a tadpole in yer pappy’s population paste.

Let’s start at Discharge. I could go back and trace the whole history of early 80’s hardcore for you, but neither of us have the time or attention span. Let’s just say, the minute I heard these Stroke-on-Trent monsters of the nuclear reactor riff on the monstrous Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing album, I nearly pissed my pants. It was the gateway to something far heavier than I had ever heard on a scratchy 7” from the new record store that had opened in Boston called Newbury Comics.

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First, let’s just talk about how we arrived at this place we currently find ourselves:

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In case you didn’t know, Alice Cooper is a lame old man. How lame and old? He plays golf…

…and wrote a book about playing golf…

…and is friends with Pat Boone. Yes, that Pat Boone.

So how is it possible that a church group could still find this 61 year-old boring fart threatening?

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Last week, Elise at Reign in Blonde wrote a piece entitled “TOP 5 SONGS I WOULD PROBABLY USE AS MY STRIPPER SONG.”

Improbably enough, this led to a stoned think-session where I came up with a list of the top five songs I would probably use as my own stripper song. ‘Cause I know you all wanna see me strip so badly.

Okay, here we go:

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I’m not as offended by the idea of remaking/rebooting/rewhatevering Friday the 13th as I am by some of the other recent horror remakes; even though I grew up on the Friday films and love them to death (no pun intended), they were always crap, so what’s the worst that could happen with a remake?

So here’s Alice Cooper’s video for “He’s Back (The Man Behind the Mask),” which comes from the soundtrack for my personal favorite entry in the Friday series, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. I wonder what Jason Voorhees would make of it…?

-AR

Why the fuck would Alice Cooper make a ten minute plus music video for three separate songs? Why would anyone believe that a sixty year old man in make-up could overpower and murder a healthy woman a third his age? Why did someone feel the need to make sure Slash’s guitar was plugged in for a music video where he was only pretending to play the guitar? Ponder these questions and more as you watch the below. But be forewarned: IT’S TEN FUCKING MINUTES LONG.

-AR

[Via Bring Back Glam]

Need I say more?

[via Ain't It Cool News]

-AR

[Apparently this actually a clip from a movie I've never heard of, not a "music video" per se. Still, it's pretty fantastic. -Ed.]

In between stumping for John McCain and playing golf, Alice Cooper has apparently found time to take a trip downunder to Australia. Apparently even the muscle of love himself is prone to graying roots. [from MetalSucks reader Stephen B.]

-VN

(In addition to the highly wily ganja,) I’m pretty partial to ppppillz myself, but if alcohol was my vice (oh wait — it is too!) I would now know how to quit. Umm…golf??? According to spiderweb-cellar master darkman Alice Cooper (né Vincent Furnier), “more guys need to be addicted to golf.” Apparantly when Cooper got out of rehab and needed to figure out a way to get over his bottle-of-whiskey-a-day (and then some) drinking habit, he occupied his time by playing a lot of the world’s most boring sport.

“I used to get up in the morning, drink a beer, then another one, and watch The Price Is Right…but when I would wake up puking blood I knew there was something wrong” he explained to Craig Ferguson the other night on a rerun of The Late Late Show, “…and when I got out of rehab, there was just nothing to do. So I started playing golf, and I would play 18 holes in the morning, take a lunch break, play 18 more holes, and then practice for a few hours. I played 36 holes of golf every day for a year.”

I’m proud of Alice for kicking the habit of booze, really I am, but for the record — golf is much more fun when you drink. Seriously.

-KW

Visit Alice Cooper’s website

Visit Alice Cooper on MySpace

Buy Alice’s book — Alice Cooper, Golf Monster: My Twelve Steps To Becoming A Golf Addict

When LA transplant Scott Ian recently declared that “I come from a New York that doesn’t exist any more so there’s not much for me to miss,” you could hardly blame the guy; this city is rapidly dying and will soon be one big strip mall. Case in point: John Varvatos’ take-over of the space that was once CBGB. Even though we’ve known this was coming for a while, the press release Varvatos’ “peeps” put out yesterday made me foam at the mouth with rage all over again – mostly because it’s indicative of what a truly self-centered, disingenuous poseur Varvatos is. After the jump, the press release – with our comments in bold, natch.

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