Auditions week three
Cities: Austin (Wed), Los Angeles (Thurs)
Misery index: 10/10
Tyler-o-meter: 3/10

Let there be no doubt: This week’s fifth and sixth rounds of American Idol auditions were a trip into the fetid bowels of Hell. Not the Deicide-Danzig fun Hell — the bad Hell. The kind of Hell where L.A. loonies make Sly Stone and Lauryn Hill seem calmly sane. The kind of Hell where atonal country warblers make the “One Hot Mama” guy seem tasteful and talented. The kind of Hell that resembles a tranny-packed West Hollywood donut shop at the brink of total wingnut anarchy on a Friday night. The kind of Hell that no amount of pills can conquer. Friends, I am shaken, so deeply shaken and disturbed.

Before I plunge us into this Hades for fuckheads, let’s prelude our shared suffering with a recap of this week’s action surrounding our Steven Tyler and Aerosmith in which…

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Auditions week two
Cities: Milwaukee (Wed), Nashville (Thurs)
Misery index: 9/10
Tyler-o-meter: 7/10

Before Bradley Cooper played hunky douchelords in Wedding Crashers and The Hangover, he stole scenes as Ben, a drama queenly camp counselor in Wet Hot American Summer. In one of the hilarious movie’s hilariousest scenes, Ben warns would-be auditioners for Camp Firewood’s production of Godspell that, and I quote,

I’m only speaking from personal experience, but if you can’t carry a tune, don’t come into the audition environment and waste our time. For serious, okay?

…and let’s just agree that these words should be broadcast on a loop at face-scorching volume to all American Idol hopefuls/delusionals. It’s for their own good. They need to hear it.

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Which is a smart move on Fox’s part, because now people who have never watched American Idol in the past — like me! — will tune it at least once, just to sate our curiosity.

Stranger might be that J. Lo is also a new judge on the show. Various celebrity gossip sites claim that Lopez is a massive bitch, which doesn’t shock me at all, and it’s readily apparent that Tyler is no cupcake; hopefully this pairing results in some back-stage cat fights. My money would totally be on Lopez.

Here’s a Tyler quote from the LA Times:

“Tyler said he wanted to be a ‘part of something bigger than himself. I wanna bring some rock to this roller coaster.’”

So I guess Aerosmith isn’t “bigger than himself.”

Does this mean the end of the Boston quintet? Will they just hire a new singer, Velvet Revolver-style? Or will everyone make nice once they realize this is probably good for record, concert ticket, and merch sales? Stay tuned…

-AR

Ugh, I absorb a lot of insults from my elitist friends for loving Aerosmith. But the scary thing to consider is how often strangers casually slam Aerosmith. Anti-Aerosmith vibe is everywhere! Like, my Pump tee might as well read Who Farted? judging from the eye-rolls I got at the library yesterday. At the bar the day before, I rocked “Deuces Are Wild” on the jukebox and when I returned to punch in “Rag Doll,” it was requested that I not wreck a perfectly nice Sunday afternoon with, ahem, “faggot music”. (I face-blasted that guy with Boston’s “Foreplay/Long Time.”)

But please, good people, you don’t need to put me down for lovvvvvvvving Aerosmith with my entire being across space and time; I already feel pretty bad about it. Everybody everywhere holds you responsible for how they’ve overstayed their welcome by, um, two decades! They say the band is so corny and hideously dressed. And their songs are not theirs. And by the way what in the motherfuck is an aerosmith?

I know all that! And don’t bother pointing out that Aerosmith may reach a new apex in annoying if Steven Tyler is indeed to be a regular on American Idol. You non-fans think you’re annoyed by this new way Tyler has discovered to tunnel into your life, but the major beef belongs to fans like me, who squirm whenever Tyler devotes energy to non-Aerosmith activities. His resources are finite in an very real and very immediate way. This is a fact: Our days are numbered. So please, Steven Tyler, just make one last great fucking Aerosmith record, then go on and sack-tickle Randy Jackson under the table all you want. Eye on the ball, please, Steven Tyler.

-ADF

Suckalo Maxwell sent in the first of what I predict will be myriad metal remixes of Larry Platt’s “Pants on the Ground” American Idol audition.

Not bad, Maxwell, not bad at all! Though I could’ve done without the vocoder parts.

For the original Larry Platt version of “Pants on the Ground,” click on through to the other side…

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Our email boxes have been blowing up about this for the past week, but until the BBC and Billboard reported that it actually had legs I just thought it was another ridiculous Internet campaign.

The campaign is an online effort to get Rage Against the Machine’s 1992 hit “Killing in the Name” to grab the top spot on the U.K.’s Christmas Singles chart, a spot that’s been dominated by winners of the “X Factor” TV talent show (similar to American Idol) for the past four years. As of right now the RATM classic actually holds a 10% margin over Joe McElderry’s cover of Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb,” which occupies the number 2 spot at the moment.

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I’d seen this clip of some brat whose highest aspiration in life is to be in Attack Attack! once before, but completely forgot about it until MetalSucks Maniac Daisy May Tinklepants reminded me.

Not only does this kid suck, but you have to wonder what in the fucking fuck he thought was going to happen here. Is there any world in which anything even remotely resembling screaming would do well on American Idol? Did he think winning would up his street cred? The simple fact that he tried out means that no respectable band in the world should ever want to work with him, ever, under any circumstances.

Simon and Paula and the other one are still massive tools, but give credit to this dude for making them look good.

-AR

I mean, it’s not like the dude has been some bastion of artistic integrity the past, oh, decade or so. He’s performed with Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/whatever the fuck his name is now, and Fergie, and done an AmEx (or was it Master Card?) commercial, and a car commercial, and wrote an autobiography primarily based around years that, by his own admission, he doesn’t really remember all that well. Obviously, the guy comes from the “You Pay Me I Show Up” school of decision making.

Yet our inbox has been flooded with e-mails of outrage that $lash would “sell-out” and appear on America’s most annoying television program. What can you do? Just blast Appetite as loud as possible and try to forget that this shit ever happened, or remember that this American Idol episode(s? I didn’t watch) is probably at least 30% less irritating than a Slash-less AI.

-AR

Hundreds of thousands of eager would-be metal gods* turned out this past weekend to audition for Metal Idol, the hot new show that does for metal what American Idol did for douche turds. Our pals at Metal Injection were there to capture all the shenanigans of host Ryan Seebreast** and the illustrious panel of metal judges. Check out the action below!

-AR

*Did you know I owe Rob Halford a nickle just for typing the words “metal gods?” It’s true. And now I owe him a dime.

**Alas, you don’t actually get to see her breasts.

Can Chris Cornell please take his midlife crisis out of the public eye? If the guy wants to drive a sports car and fuck an eighteen year old, that’s between him and his psyche, but why does he feel the need to foist his desperate attempts to remain relevant upon his loyal fans?

Mere months after the announcement that Cornell was working with Timbaland comes the news that the once-great rock singer has now written a song for American Idol winner David Cook. The press release forwarded to us by MetalSucks Maniac “Porkspam” didn’t feature a comment from Cornell himself, I imagine because even he knows there’s nothing he can say at this point that won’t come across as total bullshit. ‘Cause while I don’t know Cook’s other “work,” I do know that anyone and everyone who has ever won American Idol is bankrupt artistically, spiritually, ethically, and in every other way imaginable. If you simply love to sing, you can do that in the shower; people go on Idol ’cause they wanna be famous so badly they don’t care if they have to sign their soul away (And I’ve see the contract Idol contestants have to sign – you might as well allow the show’s producers to surgically attach marionette strings to your arms and legs.).

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