So the other day I was walking down 34th Street, and who did I see, Torah in hand, davening outside of a DMV Express but MetalSucks’ own esteemed Rebbe Anton Mofo’n Oyvey! Now obviously I didn’t want to disturb the man during his holy time, so I figured I’d catch up with him at the synagogue in the East Wing of the MetalSucks Mansion for our regular Shabbat dinner.

But then I realized that both Scion Rock Fest AND South by Southwest are coming up this week, and……could it be that Metal’s Most Brutal Rabbi will be hitting the road and rocking out with Vince & I for one or both of these adventures?!?

Come to think of it — Vince did tell me to buy a plane ticket to Columbus, Ohio for Scion and another ticket BACK from Austin, Texas 10 daze later without making mention of how we would be getting from one to the other. “We’ll figure it out”, he said, in typical Vinzian fashion.

Hmmm, I wonder…

Jews in Space? Nah — Heebz on the HIGHway!!

-KW

It may slow in the doldrums of summer, but it’s always hot here at the MetalSucks Mansion. This week in metal:

• You all argued about the merits of booze vs. drugs vs. soberness at shows.
• Ladder Up An Ass stole the show at Rockstar Mayhem Fest; best supergroup EVAR!
• At All Cost went on hiatus. We cried.
• You asked Anton OyVey, and the MetalSucks Mansion resident Reb responded.
• Math dorks After the Burial get super-dorky with math dorkfest.
• Axl uses the phrase “Snore de Force” to describe Norma Jean’s new album.

See you Monday. Have a good one.

Hi there my children, it’s your favorite metalhead rabbi, Anton OyVey. Thanks for submitting all your questions to me over here at the Metalsucks Mansion. Axl and Vince took hours scouring through the thousands upon thousands of desperate pleas for help and asked me to answer these lucky few below. Enjoy my pearls (or is it really perils) of wisdom, and remember… don’t mix your milk and your meat!

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“If Roadrunner and Revolver can have their own advice columns, why not MetalSucks?”

This is the question Axl posed to Vince one recent, typically bong smoke-filled evening at the MetalSucks Mansion, and thus the search for a new MS columnist began.

Luckily for all you, Axl and Vince managed to find the perfect person, a sage rebbi known to the world as Anton OyVey (see photo, right). Starting in the next week or so, the right honorable OyVey will be answering any questions that might be bouncing around in that noggin of yours: Should I break up with my girlfriend? What do I do if I hate my parents? Are Axl and Vince real people? Metallica or Slayer? Chicken or fish? If you have a query, the all-too-wise Anton OyVey will point you in the right direction.

So send your questions to the latest member of the MetalSucks Militia at antonoyvey [at] metalsucks.net, and check back here for the answers (or you can, y’know, just leave a question in the comments section below). Anton OyVey’s advice is guaranteed to fix your entire life!*

-The Ever-Growing Team at MetalSucks

*Advice may not actually fix your entire life.