MetalSucks

Things just haven’t been the same since Rosie left The View Attack Attack! The world has become a Bill Withers song – it feels colder outside, and the sun seems to be setting earlier than it was just a few weeks ago, as though it can’t even be bothered to shine. Life without the classic Attack Attack! lineup that changed the face of metal – nay, music itself – forever just barely seems worth living.

Luckily, Rosie promised “I will be starting something new soon,” and while we all assumed that this “something new” would be another gay cruise for HBO to inexplicably broadcast, Sergeant D at Stuff You Will Hate (by way of Weedsteeler) has discovered that Rosie has posted an ad on Craigslist looking for recruits for a new band. I’m not entirely sure how anyone knows that this posting is by Rosie, but I trust the investigative reporting skills of my fellow bloggers.

Here’s the posting:

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We loved the last tour blog that Bison B.C.’s Dan And did for us so much, we’re only all-too-happy to present another! Below, please enjoy part 1; check back tomorrow for part 2!

Sep 11 ‘09 (Vancouver BC @ Commodore)

I always love kicking off a tour with a show in Vancouver. It’s great to have one last chance to get completely loser pissed with our friends before we hit the road for however long. This time we were fortunate enough to finally share the stage with local good ‘ol boys The Golers and old pals 3 Inches of Blood. The Golers have been around forever and everyone should fucking hear them. They’re basically Vancouver’s Venomous Concept: relentless, break-neck speed pummeling. Is grind-punk a genre?

Show was fucking fun as all hell. It was 3 Inches record release show for Here Waits Thy Doom (which may or may not feature all of us doing backups on the song “Preacher’s Daughter”) and the place was packed! The cap of the Commodore is somewhere between 950 and 1000 and apparently it was like 15 tickets away from being sold out. Jesse from local grinders Zuckuss pointed out how fucking crazy it is that three local bands brought that many metal heads out of the woodwork. The night was bitter sweet though because not only was our good friend Ian unable to be there because of surgery but that night would also be my last chance to ever set foot in local punk/metal institution the Cobalt. I can’t even describe how awesome that bar and the staff are. The thought that it’s getting shut down by the fucking slum lords that own the building so they can cash in on Olympic fever makes me wanna tear someone’s head off. I’m consoled by the fact that I know bar legend/honcho Wendy 13 will soon enough have a new venue I can crawl out of at 5am reeking of Jager bombs. COBALT FOREVER!
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There’s a lyric in the song “Hour of Rats” from Fed Through the Teeth Machine, the album by The Red Chord, and this particular lyric has really taken hold in my brain as of late: “WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER TOO LONG TO BE FRIENDS.” What a simple, beautiful statement that I can 110% relate to these days. Hm.

Speaking of The Red Chord…

• We’re streaming The Red Chord’s new album, Fed Through the Teeth Machine, through Monday! It’s awesome, so definitely give it a listen, then go buy it when Metal Blade releases it on Tuesday, October 27! We also spoke to The Red Chord’s Mike “Gunface” McKenzie.
• We got a European tour wrap-up from Chimaira’s Mark Hunter, had a nice chat with Kowloon Walled City’s Jason Pace, and even played nice with Oceano’s Andrew Mikhail.
• Lord Gold from Horse the Band graced us with another awesome tour blog, Eyal discussed physical CDs, and Dallas explored the evolution and importance of deathcore.
• We checked out new releases from Converge, Ancestors, and Smite the Righteous.
• Janet Reno quit Attack Attack!
• We’re fairly certain that Dave Mustaine is still a Megadick. Actually, we’re positive.

Have a good weekend everyone…

-AR

Now skip to the 3:54 mark to get Mr. Weiland’s thoughts:

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Yesterday, October 19th, 2009 – a date which will live in infamy – Nick Barham, Rosie O’Donnell look-alike and lead vocalist for Attack Attack!, suddenly and deliberately quit the band. And only mere days before the group was scheduled to begin a tour with another one of the 21st century’s most groundbreaking musical acts, I Set My Friends On Fire.

There is terrible news, to be sure; indeed, I am having a hard time typing this through my tears. It feels like the days Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Stanley Kubrick, Norman Mailer, and Jesus Christ died, all rolled into one. It is a true, true tragedy.

When reached for comment, Barham said, “Like, what do you mean?”

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MS reader Ajax sent us a link to a video filmed in 2007 of the band In Truth Be Valor, showcasing what might be the first recorded instance of the crab-crouch.

This video is hysterical for a million reasons, BUT…

1. It’s hilarious when the camera zooms out around the 0:50 mark and there’s all of 6 kids (I counted) standing there watching, motionless!
2. “Everybody get your hands up!”
3. Crab-crouch around 1:10.
4. The “singing.”
5. Everything.
6. etc.

So there you have it. The unsung heroes of a generation. Blame them for Attack Attack!.

-VN

Awhile back, there was a fan-filmed video of one of the dudes from Attack Attack! getting hit in the head with a cup of water (or, hopefully, something much ickier). And I found that video hilarious. The video is down now “due to a copyright claim” by the band’s label, Rise Records, but that’s bullshit. There are dozens, if not hundreds, of fan-filmed videos of Attack Attack! all over YouTube, all of which, theoretically, violate Rise’s copyright claim. This video was clearly taken down because it’s embarrassing to Attack Attack!

But I digress. I’m really just admitting that I found that video funny, because I’m a huge hypocrite.

See, I don’t find the below video of Doc Coyle getting hit with a cup of water while performing with Lamb of God funny because, well, a) I like God Forbid, b) I like Doc Coyle, and c) I like Lamb of God. So, yeah, I’m biased. If that’s shocking to you, you either don’t read MetalSucks very much, or are not very intelligent.

ANYWAY, one thing I do find funny about this video: Doc taking off his guitar and leaping down off the stage to confront his attacker. No, he doesn’t actually hurt anyone, but, man, I bet he put the fear of God (Forbid!) in whomever that dick wad was.

Skip to roughly 4:22 to see the whole thing go down. Hopefully whomever threw that cup woke up the next day to find that his testicles had, indeed, fallen off in the middle of the night. Assuming he had a pair to lose in the first place.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

The below video is a collection of the “Best Keyboard/Synthesizer Breakdowns of All Time.” I saw it today on Sergeant D’s Stuff You Will Hate, which is certainly living up to its name. Because, y’know, I always thought “Gee, totally generic breakdowns could really use some irritating keyboards.”

A couple of good groups, like Horse the Band and Veil of Maya, seem to have snuck their way onto the list, but by and large, this stuff is just as terrible as you’d think. And let’s all thank the guy who made this for not even being able to come up with ten different bands to include – Born of Osiris and HTB are both on here twice.

Also, does The Devil Wears Prada really have a song called “Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over?” ‘Cause that would be an adorable sentiment coming from a three year old. A Christian metalcore band, not so much.

-AR

On Sunday night we caught the Beard Destroyer 2009 tour with Hull and Batillus (sadly for us, Salome didn’t play that date). It crushed even harder than we thought it would, so we asked our friend, Batillus skinsman Geoff Summers, to do a tour wrap-up for us. We hope you enjoy!

So, here I sit with a mild case of PTD (post-tour depression) writing up this wrap report for the so-called Beard Destroyer tour featuring Salome, Hull, and my band, Batillus. We had some good times, and we had some bad times. It rained. A lot. Everywhere we went. Fortunately, though, the good dwarfed the bad. Let’s recap…

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Luckily for Five Finger Death Punch, being total assholes who completely lack any musical talent isn’t hurting their record sales: their new album, War is the Answer, is apparently going to sell to somewhere between 35,000 – 40,000 copies in its first week of release… and that’s just here in the U.S. That probably sounds like a lot of units moved, and you’re right. It is a lot of fucking units moved. To put it in perspective with the sales of some awesome albums that came out this week…

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I don’t know who you are, Stefanie Heinzmann, but give yourself a big ol’ pat on the back. You’ve managed to make Avril Lavigne look like Chuck Schulinder. I’d rather listen to Attack Attack! cover Katy Perry, fer Chrissakes.

I’m saying this sucks.

MS Maniac Charlie Famer sent this to us, and claims that it was a big hit in Switzerland last year. Assuming that’s true, I’d just like to take this moment to say suck it, Switzerland.

-AR

First of all, major credit goes to reader Daniel Stalder for bringing this to our attention.

Attack Attack! have covered Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.”

There is nothing especially remarkable about this; shitty screamo bands cover crappy pop songs all the time these days.

However, the lyrics to this particular song make the cover that much more horrifying/hilarious.

Check it out:

-AR

At least two of you have emailed us about this kid’s bedroom guitar cover of Attack Attack!’s “Stick Stickly.” When we first looked yesterday, the video had about 1,000 views… now it has 11,000, and I’m about to make it climb even higher.

This video just confirms what we’ve all known all along, which is that Attack Attack! (and other bands like them) are popular amongst 15 year olds not because of their completely generic music but because of their look, crab-crouch, and synchronized guitar swings. Total gimmick. This kid even does it all just like the band does in their terrible video, right down to the retarded disco dance at the end.

And here’s the worst part… 3 years from now this kid is going to realize what shitty taste in music he used to have, and he’ll go on to listen to bigger and better things (hopefully). He’ll be ashamed of this ridiculous piece of YouTube detritus and he’ll probably delete it to avoid embarrassment amongst his new college chums. Then, 5-10 years after that when he’s all growed up and has a job and possibly a family, he’ll be reminiscing about the glory days of Attack Attack! with some buddies over a few beers — as will his peers elsewhere across the U.S. — and boom, the screamo-crunk-whatever-core revival is born. UGH. FUCK ME! Life sucks.

Anyway, here it is…

I don’t want to spoil the surprise… just keep in mind that this is Attack Attack!, and then fast-forward to 1:05.

Whomever threw that shit, please e-mail me to claim a prize.

-AR

Thanks to Elise at Reign in Blonde for the tip!

The above photo of Attack! Attack!, from the NY Times review of this past weekend’s Vans Warped Tour, has one of the funniest captions I’ve ever read.

Unfortunately, the author, Jon Caramanica, praises Attack! Attack! for having “one of the day’s best sets.” But he does include this tidbit, which made me giggle:

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Alright, people. I feel like fucking death. I just wanna go lie down and hopefully never wake up. Let’s get this over with:

• We finally finished the goddamn motherfucking list with “Albums We Wish Had Made It” entries from my man Vince (Soilwork’s Natural Born Chaos) and my girl Amy Sciarretto (DEP’s not-really-eligible Calculating Infinity).
• We got another exclusive world tour video tour diary from Misery Index. We also spoke with Johnny Kelly of Type O Negative and Seventh Void and got our bro-bros at Thrash Hits to do a video interview with Trigger the Bloodshed for us. Thanks, dudes.
• We lost IQ points just watching this video interview with the singer of Attack! Attack!
• We have it on good authority that there’s gonna be an Acid Bath reunion.
• Dallas Coyle is now answering your questions.
• So is Gwar’s Oderus Urungus.

We’ll be at Summer Slaughter on Sunday. If any of you spot us and want to buy us a drink, please, for the love of all things holy, don’t.

-AR

Interview with the lead singer of Attack! Attack! from hardtimes.ca:

There’s lots that I could say about this, but, really, the dude just hung himself, and it would be ungracious to kick him when he’s down.

Not that that will stop you from kicking him when he’s down.

And by the way, congrats to Ziltoid, whom I believe coined the phrase “crabcore,” on getting his shout-out as “some kid.” Zilty says he’s twenty and this dude is only eighteen, so, yeah, that’s funny, too.

-AR

Thanks to Mike Normandy for the tip.

Ever since discovering yesterday’s Shitstain subject matter Motionless In White, I’ve been borderline obsessed; I’ve watched the music video at least three times, as well as the video of their counterparts in suckitude, Attack Attack!. I’m fascinated; I just can’t get enough! There’s so much to be astounded and baffled by, and ENDLESS material to make fun of. Both videos have been making the Interwebs LOLz rounds rapidly. So I thought we’d take a look at the fine fashion sported by Motionless In White.

• Side-swooped haircuts: Here’s a tip guys, take back all the hours of your lives you’ve spent flat-ironing your hair and try writing some original music.

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This:

Also: this.

-VN

I’ve had the misfortune of witnessing the debacle that is Attack! Attack!’s new video, “Stick Stickly,” on Headbangers Ball the past two weekends. The only thing that comes to mind is D.R.I.’s “Slit My Wrist” with these thought-provoking lyrics:

Every day I get more pissed
Slit my wrist, slit my wrist

Here is the Satanforsaken video for your edification:

[Corey Mitchell writes books about serial killers, mass murderers, and the evil that men do. He is also the founder of the #1 true crime blog, In Cold Blog, and does not care about your "status" today.]