MetalSucks

We had quite the debate about Christian metal and being pro-life versus pro-choice yesterday, and just in time to keep the vitriol flowing comes yet another list from our pal Carlos “I Must Really Enjoy Pissing People Off” Ramirez. He’s posted his picks for the top ten Christian metal bands of all time over at Noisecreep.

I wish I could get the ball rolling on this little argument y’all are surely about to have, but I literally have never heard of at least half the bands on this list. But there are at least three (As I Lay Dying, Zao and Believer) that I think are really good bands, so maybe I should check out some of these others.

Read the list here, then bitch and moan in our comments section below.

-AR

Some of you seem to find it shocking that we actually read your comments (and often reply to e-mails, for that matter). To which I say: why the fuck else would we even have a comments section? We love to read the comments. To wit:

• Daisy May Tinklepants accused us not once but twice of giving positive reviews to artists who granted us interviews. I guess poor David Bee Roth didn’t get the memo when he interviewed and then reviewed Believer. In any case, both of those interviews were actually offered, not granted, but we appreciate the conspiracy theories.
• disappointed called us “dickless jew faggots” because I apologized for a swine flu joke (but not really). We don’t mind being called “Jew faggots,” but to suggest that we have no penises is just uncalled for. Also, the word “Jew” is generally capitalized, you wide-set vagina’d Goy retard.
• teaches of peaches says that no one cares about Dallas Coyle’s column “The Hard R” now that he’s not in God Forbid. Comments left by 114 other people would suggest otherwise, but just to be safe, Dallas is joining the latest touring incarnation of Sha Na Na so that he can continue to write for us.
• Revealing themselves to be the anti-Matt McChesneys, the dudes from YEAH! Destroyer spent more time writing for the site this week than anyone on the MetalSucks staff did. Whatever keeps them from playing music…
• Cahiers du Cinema contributor CrapMcPoopin announced that he’s leaving us for our friends at Metal Insider. Then he left 13 more comments over the course of the week.
• Conduit is having a hard time reconciling the fact that we like “commercial crap” and “random bands from Europe/elsewhere.” Sorry, Conduit. But, yeah, we liked the most recent Slipknot album. Shrug.
• Ricky doesn’t like the fact that Dope are basically paying us to talk shit about them. Ricky, have you spoken with Daisy May? ‘Cause in reality, we only hate Dope because they won’t grant us an interview.

And next week we’re gonna try to really piss you cats off.

-AR

Now it seems to me that Believer have done it all wrong. We’ll get to the actual content of the album later, but for now let’s just talk about band reunions for a minute. What we’ve seen over that last couple of years especially is that metal bands usually reunite for the purpose of touring only; the bands do a couple of tours state-side, play top slots at European festivals where they get to rock the biggest crowds of their careers, prove that they’re not too old and that their music is still relevant even to a new generation, and then they slip off the face of the earth again after being handsomely rewarded in cold hard cash. Touring is hard work for old farts, you didn’t think they’d do it without some financial compensation, did you?

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I’ve been trying to download the new Marilyn Manson mp3, “We’re From America,” but navigating that guy’s website is more difficult than getting Rob Halford hard with a naked photo of Christina Scabbia . So, whomever designed that site… fuck you, and fuck your mother.

In other news, here’s what happened in the world of metal this week:

• We spoke to Believer’s Kurt Bachman and Nashville Pussy’s Blaine Cartwright.
• We listened to new releases from Malefice, Millions, I Killed the Prom Queen and Corpus Christi.
• Is this the worst music video of 2009 so far?
• We really like the new Isis song! Seriously!
• The screamo-crunk explosion has begun… and now we wish it would end.

Alright everyone. I know we’re all excited for the weekend, but try not to die of alcohol poisoning. See ya Monday.

-AR

Believer have made a downright biblical return from the dead this year with the release of Gabriel, their first album since 1993’s Dimensions. If you were still stomping and screaming at your parents for attention in the line for the Peter Pan ride at Disneyworld (and I know I was) you might not have been listening to Believer back in the day. However, you may have heard of one of their better known cohorts such as Atheist and Pestilence and much like those bands, Believer were experimenting with a lot of technical brilliance and progressive depth to make some very impressive metal. The day after Gabriel’s March 17th release, vocalist/guitarist Kurt Bachman was kind enough to talk to me about the making of the new record, kids these days, reunion mania and how they never really wanted to be known as a Christian band.

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