I don’t know what to say about this tour that you wouldn’t be able to guess I’d say if you read this site on a regular basis. Black Label Society are boring and all their songs sound the same and Zakk Wylde seems to be going out of his way to prove my thirteen year-old self wrong and demonstrate that, yes, there is such a thing as too many guitar squeals. And Phil LaBonte can’t sing, and that’s a problem when half your songs require you to do just that. So, uh, yeah.

What I can tell you that I’ve never told you before is that Hail the Villain, the world’s 72-millionth Verb the Noun band, are pretty bad, too. Take, for example, their song “Runaway.” Now, this would be a fairly generic radio-friendly alt-metal song one way or the other, but it happens to be doubly offensive because it proves that Hail the Villain (who will hitherto be known as “H the V” for the sake of my developing CTS) do not know how to spell good. The spelling of the song’s title would suggest that the band is concerned about the fate of someone who has fled his or her home, but the words to the chorus are, “When I say ‘Go’/ run away, run away” — “run away,” in this instance, being two words, because you don’t “runaway” from someone, you “run away” from them.

Also, I dunno if they’re all wearing contacts in the video for the song, or if whatever is going on with their eyes was done after the fact in post-production, but either way, it’s dumb.

In any case, if you recently pledged a frat and would like to attend one of the stops on this tour, dates are after the jump, courtesy of Metal Injection. It looks like Rev Theory are playing some of these shows, too, just to make them extra-not-worthwhile.

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As promised, last night’s Super Bowl saw the debut of a Best Buy commercial starring Justin Bieber and our favorite sexagenarian celebrity slut, Ozzy Osbourne (whose last product endorsement commercial was released less than a month ago). And the commercial actually turned out to be kinda funny. Not because of the lame jokes about how Ozzy doesn’t understand technology or how Bieber looks like a girl (although I appreciate the acknowledgement that Ozzy has no idea who Bieber is), but, rather, because of the simple but true implication that the Biebers of the world will soon usurp the Ozzys of the world as Lords of Whoring.

“Ozzy’s in the background!” a crew member complains from off-camera, making explicit that which we were all already thinking anyway; even though he’s a sad, dithering old man, the Ozz Man refuses to leave the set, not because he actually has anything to contribute, but because, goddamnit, he’s got crap to hock!

But Bieber nails it on the first take. He’s the guy who’s gonna be trying to sell you shit for the next however many years, until he’s finally out of touch himself, or the sun dies, whichever comes first. Someone thought to toss in the “Bieber looks like a girl” gag to make sure that the Zakk Wylde chapter of Mensa doesn’t get too offended — “Huh huh, yeah, Bieber’s a fag, huh huh!” — but the subtext of the ad isn’t even subtle.

-AR

The once-great Zakk Wylde and has recorded a new version of “Iron Man” with William Shatner, the Canadian sex symbol and star of National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1. Wylde had nothing to do with the creation of the original “Iron Man,” of course, but he does know Ozzy Osbourne, so it’s appropriate. It’s a real thing.

ANYWAY, in-the-studio footage of this blessed event has now surfaced (above). You get to hear Wylde do lots of guitar squeals, but that’s about as uncommon as taking a breath, so it’s not really the good part of this video. No no no no no no no. The good part of this video comes around the :58 second mark, when Shatner tries to direct Wylde’s performance thusly:

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The once-great Zakk Wylde and has recorded a new version of “Iron Man” with William Shatner, the Canadian sex symbol and star of National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1. Wylde had nothing to do with the creation of the original “Iron Man,” of course, but he does know Ozzy Osbourne, so it’s appropriate. It’s a real thing.

ANYWAY, in-the-studio footage of this blessed event has now surfaced (above). You get to hear Wylde do lots of guitar squeals, but that’s about as uncommon as taking a breath, so it’s not really the good part of this video. No no no no no no no. The good part of this video comes around the :58 second mark, when Shatner tries to direct Wylde’s performance thusly:

Click to read more…

Well here’s a pair of tweets from William Shatner — yes, that William Shatner — which will most certainly catch you off-guard:

I don’t even know what to say about this. I’m not offended because at this point I really don’t care what Zakk Wylde does, but I am kinda worried about the guy. I don’t know if he’s really hard up for money or is a just a huge fan of the Esperanto classic Incubus or what, but… I know that this is no less ridiculous than something Ozzy would do, but I think that Ozzy was about ten years older than Zakk when he started embarrassing himself this badly. So I guess I’m just saying that Zakk should slow his roll, y’know? He’s got years and years left yet to convince us that No More Tears was a fluke.

-AR

[via Metal Underground]

Yesterday, Sergeant D. posted a Metal Edition of the classic parlor game Marry, Fuck, or Kill, and you guys responded, uh, enthusiastically, surprising no one. And because we’re equal opportunity offenders — don’t forget that this is the site which posts leaked naked pictures of women and men alike — we decided that today we should post a metal d00dz edition.

So we sat down with the Mansion’s resident feminist, Leyla Ford, and presented her with some hot metal d00dz for a new game of MFK. Check out the results after the jump…

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So Yahoo! has Ozzy Osbourne’s personal list of the Top Ten Metal Albums of 2010, and it may or may not surprise you to learn that it’s a really, really interesting mix of terrible and brain dead. (By the way, if you don’t like MetalSucks articles where I can really, really, really angry about something of less than no importance, then you should stop reading now.)

Okay so check out his list, and then I’ll tell you my thoughts. And before we begin, I should point out that it’s theoretically possible Ozzy didn’t actually choose these release, but, rather, than one of his handlers did it for him. But since it’s being labeled as “Ozzy’s list,” I am going to treat it as though it were written by Ozzy.

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With the holidays right around the corner — and all the best of, greatest hits and holiday comps that come therewith — this past Tuesday was the last big date for new album releases in 2010, though there are still a few stragglers coming down the pipe. The world of hard rock and metal made a big showing last week, with new releases from Underoath, Dio, Cradle of Filth, Oceano, Gwar, Helloween, Volbeat and a smattering of others making the Soundscan charts. Rankings, sales figures and commentary after the jump.

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Yep, it’s true: The Amazon mp3 store is selling a twenty-six song (!!!) Black Label Society Berzerkus Tour Sampler for a whopping sixty-nine cents for today and today only. What’s really extra-amazing about this deal is that not only is it legal, and not only is it dirt cheap (Metal Insider correctly points out that sixty-nine cents won’t even allow you to purchase a single song from most digital retailers), but it’s basically a “Greatest Hits” collection for BLS — the vast majority of their most well-known recordings, including “Stillborn,” “In this River,” and “Fire it Up” are all included. And that terrible cover of “No More Tears” isn’t! Terrific. Jussssssssst terrific.

As you know if you read this site regularly, I don’t think very highly of BLS, but for sixty-nine cents, well, I wouldn’t mock anyone for taking advantage. I’d never pay that much for anything from Attack Attack! or ICP or any of the other bands we routinely prey upon here at MetalSucks, but sixty-nine cents for music from a dude I thought might be God when I was in junior high? Sure, why not?

Go here to download the comp. Like I said, this is a one-day deal only, so if you want it, get on it.

-AR

Congrats to grand prize winner A.J. Gregory and runner-up Erin Wood; they correctly identified last week’s logo as belonging to be Beatus. A.J. wins a sweet Helloween 7 Sinners denim jacket, PLUS a 12 x 12 7 Sinners poster signed by all the members of Helloween, PLUS a copy of the album; and Erin gets the same, minus the coat. MetalSucks: Where Kids Can Really Win!

This week we have another super-awesome prize to give away — a signed copy of Mosh Potatoes: Recipes, Anecdotes, and Mayhem from the Heavyweights of Heavy Metal, an incredible new book from Moth Eater bassist Steve Seabury that spotlights 147 (!!!) recipes for mouth-watering “opening acts” (appetizers), “headliners” (entrees), and “encores” (desserts), including dishes from such metal titans as Lemmy, Zakk Wylde, Joey Belladonna, Dave Ellefson, Jason Bittner, and Ron “Bumblefoot” Thal… PLUS lots of great backstage stories and other metal-related shenanigans. Seriously, I’m salivating just typing about the book!!!

All you gots to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail at axl AT metalsucks DOT net with your answer, your name, and your address. ALL ENTRIES WITHOUT AN ADDRESS WILL BE DISQUALIFIED. From everyone who gets it right, we’ll randomly select one winner announce his or her name next week.

Of course, if you’re too pussy to play my little game, you can always just pre-order a copy of Mosh Potatoes before its release next week. Also, our pals at RED Distribution are having their own excellent contest, “The Metal & Meat SweepSTEAKS,” in which they’re not only giving away a copy of the book, but also a customized autographed Skeletonwitch Epiphone guitar and a $150 Gift Certificate to Omaha Steaks. You can enter that contest here. And that’s in conjunction with The World’s Loudest Metal Sale at f.y.e. presented by Revolver, which is offering a shitload of metal albums for just $9.99, including the most recent releases from Between the Buried and Me, Skeletonwitch, Kingdom of Sorrow, Within the Ruins, and more. So get on that shit.

This week’s logo was recommended by reader John Lindmeier… thanks, John!

-AR

While the rest of the NY-based MS staff was partying it up at the MetalSucks / Metal Injection / 1000 Knives CMJ showcase featuring A Life Once Lost, Car Bomb, This or the Apocalypse and Last Chance to Reason [pictures taken by BBG here], photo master Jacqueline Cheng trekked across the East River to the airy Hammerstein Ballroom, where Black Label Society, Children of Bodom and Clutch were busy rocking Manhattan. Her photos after the jump!

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The song that goes with it, “Overlord,” not so much. I mean, it sounds exactly like every other BLS song.

But I’m always game to watch Zakk goof off, and this video is nothing but pure Zakk goofiness. (Whatever else you wanna say about the dude, you can’t accuse him of taking himself too seriously.) Zakk is probably the favorite father of all of his kids’ friends; even though none of his jokes are really funny (“Dick Assman?” Really, dude?), when you consider how much energy he’s putting into it and who his audience is, you have to just smile.

“Overlord” comes off of BLS’ latest, Order of the Black, which is out now on E1.

-AR

Me BIG PIMPIN with a couple of my biatches at school lol, not everybody who listens to metal is a nerd!

Hey guys what’s up, thanks to Axle and Vince from Metal Sucks (link to their site) for letting me introduce myself to you guys!  I am a Junior in High School at Canyon Ridge High in Hesperia California, and pretty much just getting into metal. My uncle introduced me to these psyhcos of metal, he was in “Axle”s wedding (Axel isn’t his real name haha but I’m not telling you what his real name is you will have to find out!) and he has always been into metal, so I guess it runs in the family that we like Metal! I have been listening to metal of all kinds for like a year and a half now but I know there are a lot of bands I should check out but don’t know about and wanted to ask you guys for some ideas about what bands you think I should check out. I know you all are the experts lol!

BTW I only have dial-up 56K internet so I can’t use MySpace, Youtube, or BitTorrid or any of that so if you can just tell me stuff to buy that is what I’m looking for. My town doesn’t have a Hot Topics but they have a lot of stuff at Walmart so anything they have there they should also have at Walmart.

I like pretty much anything that is cool and heavy, so if there is anything you guys think I should check out just let me know (you can send an email to the comments and I will see it when I look at this), here is what metal bands I already like:

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A little over a year ago, Zakk Wylde was admitted to the hospital due to blood clotting in his leg (pic above); now Black Label Society have been forced to cancel two shows of their current tour due to “a reoccurrence of an issue first diagnosed” at that time. In other words: The poor guy had more clotting in his leg, and had to once again go spend some time in the hospital.

This issue must be at least sorta-kinda under control, though, as the band will resume the tour tomorrow night in Milwaukee.

What else is there to say about this? We hope Zakk is okay. I know we give him and BLS a lot of shit around here, but we obviously don’t wish the dude any ill will. Hopefully this issue is resolved, and Zakk can now continue to do that which he loves: Playing lots and lots of guitar squeals for drunk metal fans.

-AR

We’ve gotten a lot of e-mails these past few days about My Darkest Days’ video for “Porn Star Dancing.” I don’t know why the sudden interest in this clip — it’s been around for weeks, we just never posted about it before. In any case, the song and video feature guest appearances by Ludacris, Nickelback’s Chad Horseface (seriously, he looks like Sarah Jessica Parker with a goatee, and SJP looks like a horse), and… Mr. Zakk Wylde.

And people seem really, really put off by Wylde’s presence. One reader even declared that he was “losing respect” for Zakk. And I’m totally confused by all the outrage. Has no one else heard what Zakk has been doing for the past decade? Did everyone miss his guest spot with Dope? People are talking about this as though Picasso rose from the dead to design posters for Vampires Suck or something. I mean, it’s not like Zakk’s artistic credibility was still in good standing, y’know? This is just one more nail in the coffin that holds his coolness.

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Look. It’s entirely possible that I give Zakk Wylde more shit than he deserves. We hurt the ones we love the most, and vice versa. When I was a kid, Zakk was a GOD; Vince and I worshiped the ground he walked on. I can’t quite tell if his playing has actually gotten more boring or my tastes have just matured as I’ve gotten older, but I don’t think he has the old magic; Slash isn’t exactly breaking any new ground artistically, but at least he still sounds more or less like Slash. Zakk’s playing has turned into a parody of itself; nevermind that it doesn’t have the grace or scope of No More Tears - it just sounds, at least to my ears, like mindless noodling, with a laughably silly number of those guitar squeals to remind us who’s playing. It would be like if every modern Woody Allen scene had a moment where the Woodman jumps from the bushes and yells “I’M JEWISH! REMEMBER ANNIE HALL?” Yeah, dude. We remember. It was awesome.

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Listening to my parents talk is increasingly hilarious, because their conversations are starting to closely resemble a George and Gracie routine. They’re both going deaf, and neither one’s memory is worth a damn, so “Please pass the salt” can become a thirty minute discussion; trying to remember the name of the movie they saw with the guy I like who does the thing that’s so funny that they think I should rent will absorb a week of our lives, easy. And my mom got an iPhone, which I told her would be a total waste of money, and it is, ’cause I keep having to re-explain how she can do complicated things, like add a contact. “It’s the icon that looks like an address book and says ‘contacts’ beneath it, Ma,” I keep telling her, but it’s like telling Zakk Wylde to cut it out with the guitar squeals already: totally futile.

I mention it ’cause, speaking of Zakk Wylde, he made a startling discovery over the weekend. From his Twitter account:

Yes, Jason, do tell: what is torrent????

I actually find this kind of adorable, the way I find it kind of adorable that I have to reassure my Uncle Lenny that alien robots aren’t invading, they’re just showing Transformers on television. Zakk resembles his former boss more and more with each passing year; it’s only a matter of time until he’s puttering around the house, playing a continuous game of “Why did I come in this room again?”

-AR

[via SMN]

Here’s a fun pull-quote from a recent Zakk Wylde interview, regarding the blood clots doctors found in his leg last year:

“The doc was like, ‘You have, what, a drink a day?’ Six? 12? A case?’ I’m like, ‘It’s a liquid diet’… I mean, I’d drink beer while lifting weights. That’s Black Label Society style for you right there. But the doc told me if I kept this up, I’d be dead by the time I was 50. So I stopped drinking. No big deal.”

Wow, dude. You really needed a doctor to tell you you can’t subsist on a liquid diet? When my doctor walks into the room, I can pretty much hit all the high points before he even opens his mouth — lower your cholesterol, exercise more, stop playing with yourself so much, etc. (Oddly enough, my doctor has never ever been expressed concern over my weed intake. Neither has my shrink. Go figure.) Back when my diet consisted of bacon for breakfast, burgers for lunch, and cheese steak for dinner, I was never like, “Mm, this is good health food!” I was 110% aware that I was slowly killing myself with the delicious tastes of clogged arteries.

I’m glad Zakk has sobered up and is gonna live past 50, but… sheesh, dude!

-AR

[via Blabbermouf]

As I got to the end of Axl’s piece yesterday about the latest Ozzy/Zakk shenanigans, I was fully expecting him to post the new Black Label Society song “Parade of the Dead” and proclaim it a respectable return to form for the Zakkman. I was right that he posted the song, but I was wrong about his thoughts on it: “it sounds exactly like every fucking BLS song you’ve ever heard.”

I politely disagree with my fellow MS Mansion inhabitant, and I was happy to see that the majority of commenters disagreed too. Axl’s not wrong that the song isn’t a major departure for Black Label Society; but I think he is wrong for calling Zakk “crazy” for sticking to his sound — I mean, Zakk’s always gonna sound like Zakk fucking Wylde and that’s why we love the guy.

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Ozzy’s injustices against Zakk Wylde are getting to be so heinous that I hear Mel Gibson is planning a revenge movie with himself starring as Zakk. Last July, Ozzy fired Zakk after twenty-one years of loyal service (not counting that brief period of time when Joe Holmes was in the band). And that’s Ozzy prerogative, of course – hell, it might have even been a good idea – except that Ozzy told the press Zakk was done before he told Zakk, and even after Zakk got the news secondhand, Ozzy was too pussy to call him.

Now Ozzy is trying to re-write history. Here’s a recent Ozzy Osbourne quote from an interview with Goldmine (via Blabbermouth):

“I don’t want anyone to think for one minute that I fired [Zakk Wylde]. I never fired him. He never left. There was nothing to leave. Because all he was doing was his gig and mine. It kind of got to us crashing into each other. But I had to let go, because it’s me rather than him.”

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