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…Max Cavalera recently revealed during a radio interview (video above) that he’s working on his autobiography with British journalist Joel McIver, who has previously penned such metal-themed tomes as The Bloody Reign of Slayer and Justice for All: The Truth about Metallica. The forward will apparently be written by Dave Grohl, who collaborated with Cavalera as part of his Probot project back in ’04.
Some will say that it’s hypocritical of me to make fun of Bret Michaels for launching Pets Rock, a line of “rock and roll pet gear” that will be sold exclusively at Pet Smart stores starting next summer, even though I love Ben Weinman’s Garmutt apparel for dogs. But I assert that there are three key differences between the two companies, besides the fact that, y’know, Weinman is brilliant and Michaels is not so much brilliant. And those differences are as follows:
I defy you to argue against my logic. It simply cannot be done.
-AR
[via Noisecreep]
I meant to remind you guys yesterday but I’m a dick so I forgot — Arch Enemy’s North American Khaos Tour, which we here at MetalSucks are very proudly co-presenting, is now underway! I’ve been trying to find fan-filmed footage from last night’s kickoff show in Baltimore to no avail, but I hear the concert was great… which is really no shock. Especially given that the three support bands — DevilDriver, Skeletonwitch, and Chthonic — are all as much fun as Arch Enemy! You can get dates here. If anyone is gonna be at the NYC show tonight, come find us. I’ll be the really, really not-sober guy in the back screaming for them to play “Savage Messiah” over and over again.
Now, here’s some stuff we did this week:
And, oh hey, did we mention that tickets for The Metal Suckfest are on sale now? We did? Okay, swell!
Have a good weekend, y’all. See ya Monday.
-AR
9/11 is obviously a complicated issue, and it’s one I feel no desire to make light of. So when discussing Bret Michael’s new 9/11 tribute video, “One More Day,” I am going to try to be sensitive as possible.
Fuck Bret Michaels in the eye.
Wait wait wait wait, that came out wrong. What I meant to type was –
FUCK BRET MICHAELS IN THE MOTHERFUCKING EYE.
This video isn’t reprehensible (just) because it’s a cheesy oversimplification of the aforementioned complicated issue. I don’t even really care that Michaels used it as an opportunity to glorify himself as a USO performer — he’s not the first celebrity to pat himself on the back for doing something nice, and he won’t be the last.
No no no, what’s really offensive about this video is inclusion of the following picture:
Vince and I are going to see the Mötley Crüe /Poison/New York Dolls tour tonight, and, yes, we are excited. And while it briefly seemed as though this would be a magically drama-free tour after Nikki Sixx allegedly apologized for some not-very-nice things he and at least one of his bandmates (Tommy Lee) said about Poison, it’s become increasingly clear that Nikki either didn’t apologize, or didn’t want that apology made public. In any case, he has continued to smack-talk Poison at every opportunity, which, of course, makes us drama queens at MetalSucks very happy.
But the really wacky thing about Nikki’s insults against Bret Michaels and company — and I’ve been saying this since November, when word of the tour first got out — is that Nikki seems to be operating under the impression that Mötley Crüe never dressed like this…
I am old and married to a kindergarten teacher, therefore, I can only go to concerts during the sweltering months of summer.
This is my summer vacation (Part I).
WHO:MÖTLEY CRÜE, POISON & NEW YORK DOLLS
WHERE: AT&T Center — San Antonio, Texas
WHEN: June 9, 2011
I can’t say I was too excited to check out this bill. I did give Mötley Crüe a solid review for their 2008 Crüefest that scooted into the now-defunct Verizon Wireless Amphitheater under the scornful eye of a vicious summer storm, despite the fact Buckcherry, Sixx A.M., and Trapt opened up for them. This time around, I can’t say their choice for major support would cause me to sport a woody. I mean, c’mon… Poison? 4srslz?
The Nikki Sixx v. Poison battle has gone to such ridiculous heights I’m starting to think Nikki and Bret Michaels are in cahoots and had this whole thing planned out from the very beginning. It’s certainly gotten them a ton of press, right? Who am I kidding… let’s not give either of these dunderheads too much credit for doing anything other than writing good songs 20 years ago.
There’s been so much yammering back and forth since the Motley / Poison tour was announced this Spring that I honestly can’t keep track of who said what anymore. But in the latest tidbit Nikki once again slams Poison as a second-place contender for this tour (emphasis added):
Okay so that’s not a direct quote, but still.
Last week I expressed some disappointment that everyone in Mötley Crüe and Poison seems to be getting along in advance of their upcoming summer tour, with Nikki Sixx apparently even going so far as to apologize to Bret Michaels for derogatory comments he had made about Poison in the past — y’know, like when he called Poison “fake bullshit” and declared that The Crüe “would never, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison.”
But guess what? As it turns out — shock of shocks — either Michaels is a liar or delusional, or Sixx is a liar or just an asshole. ‘Cause now Nikki has taken to Twitter to assure the world that, no, he never apologized for his comments:
An Open Letter to Mötley Crüe and Poison
Dear Members of Mötley Crüe and Poison,
Okay so look. Vince and I already have our tickets to your big summer tour with the New York Dolls. You have our money. You won that fight. It’s over.
So the least you could do is make the tour fucking entertaining. And, no, I don’t mean by playing “Live Wire” and “Ride the Wind” or whatever. I mean, you’re gonna play those songs, but that’s a given.
No no no no no no no. What we really, really want here is some DRAMA. Some FEUDING between the bands. You’re Mötley Crüe and Poison, fer cryin’ out loud! You chase trends. Star on reality shows. Contract and spread diseases. Release terrible records. This tour is not supposed to be some huge love fest. It’s supposed to be a total shit show.
Which is why I’m really pissed that, thus far, you seem to be getting along. You’re doing talk shows together. And now Bret Michaels says that Nikki Sixx has even apologized for the comments he and other members of The Crüe have made about Poison — y’know, the ones where they called Poison “fake bullshit,” swore that they “would never, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” and even yelled at a fan over Twitter for suggesting such a heinous concept. According to Mr. Rock of Love:
There was a brief moment when I was a kid first being introduced to glam during which I could not tell Vince Neil and C.C. DeVille apart for some reason. And at this point, Motley Crue and Poison are equally ridiculous — and now they’re touring together, too. So I’m just gonna put all the emerging news concerning both bands in one big heap after the jump. I’m sure of the five of you who still care won’t mind.
And so:
IF SOMEONE CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN I WILL HAVE A UTERUS SURGICALLY INSTALLED IN MY OWN BODY AND HAVE YOUR BABY.
-AR
You’d think with all the shit talking and back tracking Nikki Sixx has been doing about this whole Motley Crue/Poison tour, putting him in a room with Bret Michaels to do some terrible morning television (because Motley Crue and Poison fans are now so old that the media outlet they are most likely to get their rock news from is a morning show) would an awful idea. And by “awful,” I mean for those poor bastards. You’d think it would be a great idea for us drama enthusiasts.
But no. Sixx and Michaels have been making the morning show rounds, and not only do they appear to be getting along, but they are about as exciting a comedy team as Death and Taxes. I mean, holy shit, are these interviews boring. The only thing even remotely interesting about them is the fact that Michaels is now more media-savvy than Sixx. Sixx’s exploits with Kat Von D. have kept him in the tabloids, but Rock of Love, Celebrity Apprentice, the Tony Awards, Miley Cyrus, and a giant middle finger to the desires of The Almighty have made Michaels famous in a much bigger way — a “Sheesh even my grandmother knows who Bret Michaels is” kinda way — and he’s gotten good at giving these very bland talk show interviews.
ANYWAY, if you do wanna watch these, here’s the video I prefer, if for no other reason than because I thought the lady was saying “Yep, that’s my sexual future” at the beginning, and I was like, “Whuh-huh?” (she’s actually saying “my six year old’s future”). But Metal Insider, who first brought these interviews to my attention, have another one, too.
-AR
UPDATE: BOOO! Apparently these were part of an art project, and not a real advertising campaign. If the people who run the Smithsonian were smart, they’d purchase these. Anyways, thanks to Jonathan Delarosa for bringing the truth to light.
I saw these new posters for the Smithsonian on Badass Digest, and they amused me enough that I thought they were worth sharing. I don’t particularly have anything to say about them — I just think they’re a clever way to try and express that history is cool, which it is, despite how fucking boring your teachers were/are.
I know we give Bret Michaels a lot of shit around here, and rightfully so. But I actually do think he deserves a big pat on the back for this.
In case you haven’t been following the drama: Nikki Sixx has been saying no band of his would ever tour with Poison since as far back as 2004, and then in November Bret Michaels said that Motley Crue were going to tour with Poison, and then Tommy Lee was all “Oh no we’re not,” and then it turned out the tour was happening anyway, and then Nikki, rather than admit that The Crue are putting aside whatever hatred they have for Poison in order to please the fans/get paid, came out and was like, “Yeah, we’re just doing this tour with New York Dolls,” who will act as support on the bill.
Now, inevitably, Michaels has been asked about all the brewing drama in a recent interview. And he could have started some shit by smack talking Sixx right back, which I certainly would have found entertaining. Or he could have told some bullshit lie like Sixx did, which would have provided me the opportunity to make fun of him some more. But, no, he did something kind of unusual instead: he took the high road and told the truth.
Here are some choice excerpts:
Bret and Nikki in happier times
Clearly, Motley Crue (or, at least, Nikki Sixx) do not wanna do this tour with Poison. Nikki has been quoted as far back as 2004 as having said that The Crue “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” who he called “fake bullshit.” Even though both bands wore make-up and got by on their image as much as their music, Motley seem to think they’re better than Poison. And there’s a strong argument to be made that they’re correct — they were around when the Poison dudes were still living in Pennsylvania, and their music, although certainly dated, definitely holds up better.
But the fact is, they’re doing this tour with Poison, and now’s the time for them to man up and stop firing shots over the bow. Right?
Wrong.
See, when CNN’s website for Piers Morgan Tonight broke the story (via an interview with Bret Michaels) that the rumored tour was a go, they also ran a press release which distinctly says that the two bands will “co-headline.” But not so, according to Motley Crue’s Facebook page:
So in November, Bret Michaels said that Poison and Motley Crue were gonna do a big summer tour together, despite the fact that Nikki Sixx once said that there was “No way in fucking hell” that Motley “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” ’cause “That would be the death of us… I will not be attached to that kind of fake bullshit.” And then a couple of days later, Tommy Lee shot down the rumor with an enthusiastic “NO!”
Well, now Michaels has gone on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight and announced that Poison and The Crue will, indeed, do a big summer tour together, to celebrate the former band’s 25th anniversary. And just to make extra-sure that Nikki and Tommy now have to eat their words, the tour is going to be called “Glam – A – Gedon 25.”
Now, I’m of two minds about going to this tour:
I like music videos. I don’t mean just lame concert footage videos either. (I get it, Band, you can play your instruments like, really well. In front of people!) No, I mean the amazing, overblown, explosions and nonsensical storylines, holy shit is that a cameo by jailbait Keri Russell in bra?!, looks like it was directed by Michael Bay, epic mini-movies. In fact, Meat Loaf’s, “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That),” has pretty much all of the aforementioned, except one. I won’t say which one, just look it up*. It is the most amazing seven minutes ever. Except for the part where he prays to the god of, “Sex, and drums, and rock’n’roll.” Come on, now, you’re not fooling anyone.
The other night I couldn’t sleep. So I ended up watching music videos until the sun came up. I did not have a good day that day. Of course, I watched metal videos. (Okay fine, like half were Meat Loaf videos. He kind of hovers on the periphery of metal, right? He was in Rocky Horror Picture Show, he played a totally awesome biker named Eddie! Isn’t his daughter married to Scott Ian? Fringes, he’s on the fringes. Shut up, Meat Loaf is awesome. Even more so when I can’t type and write “Meat Load.” Good job proof-reading at 5:40 a.m.)
Videos were my first introduction to many bands. They were like trailers for records, and the more confusing and “deep” they were, the more interested I got. I’m not saying there are no good videos anymore, but I just can’t believe we live in a time where it’s no longer cool to shred shirtless on a cliff while your bandmate gets married but then it starts raining and the bride is dead and Axl Rose is swimming with dolphins while Stephanie Seymour beats up a girl in a bar. I mean, maybe it’s a good thing bands don’t go bankrupt after videos anymore. and the Guns N’ Roses trilogy more than borders on the ridiculous (Hi Shannon Hoon! I see you, there on the roof!) but let’s take a look at some that kind of stuck with me.
When setting out to do holiday shopping every winter, I’m reminded of this awful night that I accidentally sat on a greased traffic cone. I don’t recall the circumstances of my pantslessness, or what miniscule probability was conquered to allow for the weighted cone’s chance placement directly below my then-unbreached shit chute, but oh my I remember the discomfort and Kafka-esque strain to free myself from its orange deathgrip. You see, it’s impossible to get your footing cuz struggling only squeaks you further down the fucker’s widening shaft, so yeah let’s just say I could easily be swapping tips with Jack Russell today if that nice family from Gardena had not stopped to tip me over.
Few events in my life have resulted in such pain and horror, but that mess was still less traumatic than any December shopping trip. Cuz after the butt-cone incident, I merely had to gulp like eight painkillers (four each for wounded bum and ego); conversely, the amount of intoxicants necessary to soften the impact of stressful useless shit purchasing would render me unable to drive, speak, or even identify my wallet. So that’s out. Fuck.
It was a long weekend, and seemingly eight thousand fucking bands all decided to put out music videos while we were away. Let’s check ‘em out and see if any of them are decent, shall we?
First up we have a video for “Larvae” by Portal. This band pushes so many envelopes they were all offered jobs at the post office, so I’m disappointed they couldn’t come up with a more innovative video. This clip is seriously boring as fuck, as I have no idea what’s going on. Which is how some people feel about Portal’s music, I guess. So, in that regard, this video is a success!
Does Tommy Lee WANT me to hate him? When rumors of a Motley Crue/Poison tour in 2011 started to circulate earlier this week, I got all excited, both for the shows themselves, and for the rampant idiocy that would no doubt accompany those shows. Alas, Long Dong Tommy took to Twitter late Monday afternoon to put an end to my fantasies of Aqua Net and unprotected sex with strangers:
