I’ve always wanted to ask Brian “Head” Welch if the Jesus tattoo on his hand has been a success as a masturbation deterrent, ’cause I feel like if I really, really wanted to jerk-off, no picture of a deity could ever really stop me. To that same end, I’ve never been sure if having an “X” tattooed on my hand would prevent me from having a drink or smoking weed or putting any number of other substances into my body. But I’ve never gone to rehab, so maybe I just don’t understand the power symbols can have when helping one fight his inner demons.

So. James Hetfield’s struggles with addiction have been about as well documented as any rock star’s struggles with addiction; in Some Kind of Monster, you can watch the guy morph from a grumpy, introverted, inarticulate alcoholic to a talkative, bespeckled and frosted, touchy-feely whimp right before your very eyes. (That’s not a criticism of his sobriety, by the way; his music lost its appeal for me long before he went to rehab, so I’m not someone that believes we’re just a few beers away from Master of Puppets Part II. And I actually appreciate that Hetfield seems to have become a more self-aware and articulate man since he stopped drinking.) But according to Double Cross Webzine, in latest issue of Metallica’s fan club magazine, So What!, Hetfield identifies himself as “a reborn straight edge,” and even got a new “X” tattoo on his hand to prove it.

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What could possibly be funnier than the fact that Korn guitarist-turned-Jesus-freak Brian “Head” Welch is releasing a solo album this September? Oh, lots and lots of things. For instance:

1. The Jesus-themed artwork adorning his MySpace page (including but not limited to the tattooed cross on his cheek).
2. This sentence, taken from his bio, describing Korn: “The band was credited with being the major influence in the rise of the New metal movement.” Things that are funny about this:
   1. The emphasis of “the.”
   2. The fact that this is boasted as a good thing.
   3. Use of “New” instead of “Nu,” and the capitalization thereof.
3. The high school diary-like lyrics of his new song “Flush.” Really, you have to listen to believe it.
4. Did I mention the lyrics?
5. White-boy dreads in 2008.
6. The fact that we’re probably giving him a traffic boost by writing this article.
7. Etc.

What? You mean this wasn’t supposed to be a joke? Oops, my bad. But then again, neither was Korn.

-VN