I’m not inherently suspicious of the drug-free, sober, and straight-edge. True, I regard them as I would a Beta-max, a pager, or a non-fan of Devin Townsend: an anachronistic curiosity whose continued existence defies progress. All the same, when I’m told by, say, the lovely Allyson from BBG! that constant intoxication is not her priority, it seems believable.

Now, Ted Nugent on the other hand, kinda seems like a goddamn liar in his endorsements of a drug-free lifestyle. Now, sure, a lot about Ted screams “repressed homosexuality,” beit his wingnut socio-political beliefs, his mega-masculine urge to kill all that has no ability to counter-attack, and his participation in aesthetically dubious projects like Damn Yankees. Not to mention his entire early canon which casts Ted as history’s most annoying pussy-hound. Talk about over-compensating. But that’s a side issue.

See, some people crow about their finely-calibrated gay-dar, and likewise I’m boastful about my unbeatable high-dar. (Make no mistake, it’s in self-interest that I hasten to determine if anybody anywhere is indulging; with that knowledge, I can then launch mooching operations.) And despite his public opposition to drug-gobbling, Ted regularly sets my Spidey senses a-raging, and especially throughout the above Damn Yankees jam: the darting eyes, the working mouth, the extreme agreeability, the shot-hogging, the intrusive/cruddy guitar soloing. Plus, he came up in hard rock in the ’70s, a time when contracts were signed in nose-blood and tour buses were made of quaaludes. So is Ted‘s he-man act a smokescreen for his real secret shame? Is Ted an Elvis Presley to our Richard Nixon? Is it really plausible that any sober man would agree to spend five years as third fiddle in Damn Yankees? Is there any other explanation for that zebra-striped duster in the “High Enough” video? Have you heard that song “Little Miss Dangerous?”

-ADF

When pairing with Allyson B. Crawford of Bring Back Glam! this summer, I knew I was bringing in a heavyweight expert on one of metal’s most deceptively awesome movements, Glam Metal. However, I couldn’t have predicted the chemistry and kinship that marked our four-part Most Essential Glam Metal Albums roundtable. (Okay, technically it was a rectangulartable. Revisit it here.) Allyson’s pet bands know well that she is a patient, positive ally to even the most commerce-blinded artist. Perhaps what is so admirable is her adherence to basic decency standards on the consequence-free internet. But back in July, it was these same values that muzzled my more vile observations, like those regarding the English language prowess of Sweden’s fantastically rad Crashdïet. Here’s what we did talk about:

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We now rejoin Allyson B. Crawford (Bring Back Glam!) and Anso DF (MetalSucks) and their riveting analysis of Glam Metal’s Ten Best Must-Have Records.

Get caught up on yesterday’s action here.

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7. TRASH - Alice Cooper

July 25, 1989 // Epic Records // p: Desmond Child

The hits: “Poison” “Bed of Nails” “House of Fire” “Only My Heart Talkin’”

The heart: “Hell Is Living Without You” “Spark In The Dark” “I’m Your Gun”

Anso: So by 1989′s Trash, Coop had been in a booze stupor for like seven straight albums. The good news was that his successful comeback tour inspired some check-writing at Epic Records. But that support came with strict control, or at least that’s what the presence of Bon Jovi/Kiss/Aerosmith/Ratt hit-maker Desmond Child implies. So Allyson, what’s your stance on Desmond Child?

Allyson: I got to interview Alice Cooper once. One of the highlights of my life, I swear. The man rules. He was all about sobriety when we spoke and I think that’s awesome. Now, Desmond Child. Oh my. I’ve written about him before on Bring Back Glam!. I suppose he is — no, he is a genius, but damn. Aerosmith is my favorite band of all time and Child sort of took away their grit. So that hurt. But for some people he really, really helped and that’s Alice Cooper. Alice needed a hit for a new generation and Trash came along at the right time, didn’t it? Oh and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to meet and interview Desmond Child, so there you go.

Anso: Hey, same here! His stuff is mega-cheesy, but so are delicious Cheetos. Plus, Detonator rules, so it’s easy to forgive misfires like “I Was Made For Lovin’ You.” Oh and of course I warmed to him after VH1 aired that hilarious footage of his collaboration with (and antagonism of) Vince Neil. You saw that right? “Hello-o! Successs!”

Allyson: Yeah, I’ve seen that. Oh, I’ve seen it.

Anso: Okay, Trash was buffed up by a full whack of celebrity guests: Richie Sambora and Jon Bon Jovi, Kip Winger, Guy Mann-Dude, Steve Lukather, and 80% of Aerosmith. I suppose they helped pull chicks and young people to this old man record. Did these guys make Trash more attractive to you in any way?

Allyson: Because I’m a chick? Well, here’s the thing about me. I’ll agree there are some hot guys in rock, but that doesn’t mean much to me when it comes to music I like. If the song rocks, awesome. If not, okay. I like tons of music that is mocked — often right here on MetalSucks, ha! — and I always “go my own way if you will.” Trash is awesome to me because I love the songs. “Only My Heart Talkin’” is a great love song, a completely different type of power ballad. But, back to guests. I usually don’t care about guest stars on albums. I buy records because I want to hear the real band — not a slew of guests, you know?

Anso: Yeah. I’m not an Alice Cooper scholar, but I’ll wager that Trash is his sexiest record. It’s a bit uncomfortable to hear a 41-year old Coop describe passionate banging.

Allyson: As you know, my dear Anso, sexy is in the eyes of the beholder.

Anso: Hey, let’s talk about Trash‘s super-hit, “Poison.” Can you think of any single in history with such a memorably quirky riff? It’s awesome on its own and I love how they set it against different chords in the intro.

Allyson: So I’ve talked to Alice guitarist Keri Kelli a few times. Once I said I was frustrated trying to learn bass and guitar parts for some Alice songs. And Keri said something like, “Look, if you want to learn ‘Poison’ it’s just going to take awhile.” This frustrated me because I have little patience. I think I got off the phone with Keri, looked at the guitar and then sat down with a bag of chips or something. Anyway, yes, “Poison” is freaking epic. One of the best songs of the ’80s. Then again, Alice is a master. I love when the band performs “Poison” live. The crowd always goes batshit crazy.

Anso: What else makes you love this record?

Allyson: Hmm. It’s the sum of its parts I guess. I think all the songs fit well together, there’s not really a dud and the album helped push Alice to the top again. The cover photo is iconic. It was in magazines first and then Alice chose it as his cover — so I remember seeing the image of Alice everywhere as a kid. I had this instant connection to the record I suppose.

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Usually when a fad fizzles, its casual fans disperse and its faithful just hang tough. But no trend, including the macarena and Jewel, has been subjected to the hostility and convenient disgust that follows Glam Metal and its fans. Perhaps the extra-harsh reaction is proportionate to its success as an inescapable, nearly decade-long craze that dominated radio and TV. Perhaps a lot of macho dickheads and party-haters are defensive about what they consider a shameful episode of rock transvestism. Perhaps the haters just seem louder because Glam Metal’s fanbase has failed, unlike those of hip hop and classic rock, to perpetuate itself via self-righteous documentaries, a half-assed hall of fame, and/or positions of power within critical music media. Perhaps it’s all three.

But there’s no changing the fact that Glam Metal’s great moments are great. And millions of people paid cash to enjoy those great moments. How could it not have been fun?

To help us relive those hair metal moments, we welcome Bring Back Glam! scribe Allyson B. Crawford, America’s foremost Glam Metal scholar. Today, Allyson and MS hair rock apologist Anso DF assemble the essential Glam Metal library for beginners and veterans. An oral history, a time capsule, a how-to kit, a party starter, a cheat sheet to win the heart of hair rockers, whatever you want to call it — it’s all about the loudest, dirtiest, beer-chuggingest, drugs-snortingest records in music history. And you don’t even have to be glam to read it. But it doesn’t hurt.

Forget the hype. Forget the history. Forget the backlash. This is the real shit.

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We at MetalSucks are high-powered metal journalists, and we often use our clout to attract expert testimony on taco riffs and the 167/8 time signature. Even so, I am awed that Allyson B. Crawford from BringBackGlam.com has partnered with the MetalSucks L.A. desk on a hard-hitting exploration of the Ten Most Essential Glam Metal Records coming next week exclusively to MetalSucks. For real, me and Allyson make Frost/Nixon look like Rachtman/Bach as we demolish myths and mine truths about the poofiest, spandexest, must-havest hair rock records.

And there’s more! Yes, the DF/B. Crawford face-off is a mere spritz of the hairspray madness of the MetalSucks week-long spotlight on hair/glam/sleaze/crotch-metal. It starts next Monday and that gives you seven full days to go see your cousin’s boyfriend Troy for an eight ball to snort right off your screen. Oh, and to answer your first question: Yes there will be BulletBoys.

-ADF

Yesterday an advanced copy of the album by a certain nu metal band that shall go unnamed arrived at the MetalSucks Mansion. “Why the fuck would they send us this?” Vince wondered aloud, noting that we have never, ever, ever had anything nice to say about this particular group.

“Dude,” I countered, “At least we write about them. That’s more than I can say for most sites.”

Which got me to thinking: is there no one carrying the nu metal torch?

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As far as I can tell, in the year 2008 the Steve Stevens fan club consists of exactly three people: Vince Neilstein, myself, and Allyson at Bring Back Glam. So I was happy yesterday to find that Allyson had written something of an ode to Stevens, which included the below music video for the Billy Idol axeman’s Grammy award winning theme to that 1980s bastion of homoeroticism, Top Gun.

Y’know what? All these years, I had no friggin’ idea that Steve Stevens had anything to do with those infamous Top Gun guitars. I mean, the music was credited to Harold Faltermeyer, which means Stevens was probably just a session player, but still, if I know all the lyrics to the Stevens/Vince Neil collaboration “Sister of Pain,” I should probably have known that.

Gotta love Stevens’ hair in this video. It’s like Vince’s beard, if Vince’s beard were on his head instead of his face. And was gay.

-AR