You thought that Sergeant D.’s line of Burzum clothing was all some bullshit joke? Well think again: the Sarge himself e-mailed us this photo he found on Tumblr of a nice young lady making her daddy proud by modeling this Burzum skirt. And the pic is already a million times better than any Burzum album (although we hear that the skirt, too, hates Jews).

Hopefully her next pics will feature her modeling the Burzum yoga pants or, better still, the Burzum thong.

-AR

Man, I really, really hope that some day, some Korean animators see fit to make a short about MetalSucks. And that it is one-eighth as awesome as the above video.

ANYWAY, here’s how we kept ourselves entertained this week:

• We debuted new music by Revocation, White Arms of Athena, Goreaphobia, and Sixx A.M.
• We did not debut, but got really excited about, new music from Mastodon and Opeth.
• Unearth’s Ken Susi and Dethklok’s Brendon Small told us all about their live rigs. BONUS: Brendon Small also gave us the skinny on his new solo album!
• We spoke to All Shall Perish’s Fracesco Artusato and Kaoru and Die from Dir En Grey.
• We checked out the latest releases from All Pigs Must Die and Axel Rudi Pell.
• We were easily able to come up with twenty-five things we’d rather do than listen to the new Five Finger Death Punch song.
• We tried to figure out which label will snag Gojira.
• Gary Suarez urged metalheads to cut the shit and stop supporting Burzum.
• Sergeant D. wondered if breakdowns are the new guitar solos.
• Corey Mitchell discussed his ten favorite albums of the year thus far.

As many of you know, my highly successful BURZUM clothing line is now available at Hot Topic, Spencer’s, and Zumiez. I am proud to announce that we have also signed a deal with black metal legends IMMORTAL to create another line exclusively for indie rock retailers URBAN OUTFITTERS!

Our first design is now available, featuring an illustration showcasing the whimsical side of the iconic black metallers. Designed with the the female customer in mind, this graphic shows the band with their heads replaced by those of grizzly bears- it’s our own, fractured take on the exclusive, “kvlt black metal” scene that has long relied on bands like IMMORTAL for direction. We’re excited about the potential of this brand, and hope that you are too!

CLICK HERE to buy one for yourself – act now, supplies are limited! (Sorry, the item is only available in womens’ sizes.)

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. is the tip of fashion’s sword every day at Stuff You Will Hate.

1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

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Nobody should have been surprised. Varg Vikernes’ odious, conspiratorial, anti-Semitic commentary on the Norway tragedy is just the latest statement of ignorance from the man behind black metal’s most infamous project, Burzum. You’re welcome to read it if you’re into swastikas or crackpot theories for the tinfoil hat set. Your time would be better spent watching dubstep remixes of Charlie Sheen interviews on YouTube.

Interest in Vikernes’ music appears to have spiked in the wake of his 2009 release from prison, having served twenty-one years for arson and murder. A new Burzum record emerged in 2010, and another one followed just this past March. Music journalists have leapt at the opportunity to interview Vikernes, with print venues like Decibel giving the man the cover treatment and inducting his Filosofem LP into its “Hall Of Fame.” I’ve sat dumbstruck at the fawning softball questions posed to him by writers for outlets like Guitar World, Invisible Oranges, and, much to my chagrin, this very site. (Full disclosure: The interviewer on that last one is a personal friend.)

Why do metalheads choose to support Vikernes?

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My usual source for Soundscan info is on vacation this week (asshole!), but thankfully the always-reliable Metal Insider is there for me with their weekly Metal by Numbers column. Rather than go through the whole chart since I don’t have it at my fingertips, let’s just focus on new releases that came out last week:

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I’m at the point where I pretty much prefer animated movies to live-action ones. I passed up some big deal, hotshot movie that came out recently, whose name I don’t even remember, to see Rango. I’m usually a pretty good judge, too, because I knew Rango was going to be awesome ,and it was. It looks absolutely amazing, and if you’re a nerd for animation detail, the gross, crusty animals will thrill you. Not to mention the classic movie references from Chinatown to Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. It’s also damn violent for a “kids movie.” And well, I’m a movie nerd with a deep love for filmic violence. My dad didn’t have any sons, ok? He raised me to love his Fab Four; Arnold, Bruce, Sylvester, and Jean-Claude. And Dolph, on days he felt generous.

This might be odd, but I always liked to think about what various characters’ personalities would be like. Down to their music and movie taste. I especially try to pick out the metalheads, because I want to find my animated brothers and sisters in arms. It was while musing on the subject on Twitter that I found out the talented Ms. Elise over at Reign in Blonde kind of does the same thing. Apparently, all my acquaintances are online these days. She actually compiled a list of the most metal Disney characters, and with her help, I’ve expanded the list. Here are the Ten Most Likely Metalheads in Animated Movies (excluding anime and other international releases, as the author has not done enough research on the subject.)

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Burzum’s second post-prison release tops the list of records coming out today. New ones from Vintersorg, Power Quest, Glen Drover, Artillery and others finally see the light of day as well. MS New Release Czar Vic Vaughn gets on it after the break.

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Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli…

From Roman Polanski to Eminem to a billion pricks before and after, the argument of an artist’s personal merit versus the merit of his or her art will never go away. Varg Vikernes is the rarest of political footballs in our subculture, a man whose misguided ideology and criminal history balance precariously against an almost universally renowned discography. It was a big deal when we put his bushy raised eyebrow on the cover of the May 2010 issue — some metal outlets avoided reviewing or featuring Belus entirely, some bloggers dubbed us racist. (A magazine with two Italian editors — how could they say such a thing?) The reality is, like it or not, Vikernes and his dynamic interpretation of black metal are of historical importance then and now. There was nothing sensationalist about the cover story or our ensuing reporting. And as for spiking newsstand sales, well, let’s just say that Varg’s no Phil Anselmo. Shit, the thing barely outsold the Deftones issue (clearly the highlight of my tenure at this job).

In May, we formally induct Burzum’s Filosofem to the dB Hall of Fame. You may recall it appearing in our Black Metal Hall of Fame Special Issue, but it’s absolutely worthy of the main wing. This was the last full-length he recorded before his 15-year stay in the pokey, released in 1996. Naturally, Varg himself regards it as a failed “experiment,” with only the iconic eponymous leadoff track and a few successors meeting his standards. Judge for yourself.

And if you think this is all bullshit and just want to laugh at funny-looking old dudes, the cover story should more than suffice.

-AB

You can buy the May 2011 issue of Decibel here, or get a full subscription to ensure you never miss a Decibel Hall of Fame, or of those awesome flexi discs!

Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli…

J. Bennett stopped by Decibel HQ last month; naturally, we took the opportunity to grab some adult beverages. It didn’t take long for me to punch up some Kylie in a jukebox that was doing just fine with Use Your Illusion and Ride the Lightning. Nor did it take some random backpatch hombre long—like maybe a second and a half—to cleanse the bar of Ms. Minogue’s exotic stylings with something off of Relentless. Little did this kid know that my drinking comrade was in town specifically to meet up with Bobby Liebling for our May cover story. Ah, the seren-dipshittery—a nice bit of low comedy before an interview that I assume blew even Bennett’s mind.

Said cover story is an instant favorite for multiple reasons, but I think number one is this brief aside from Sean “Pellet” Pelletier, longtime Liebling supporter/sufferer, describing the abode of the Pentagram mainman’s parents.

“There were Cocoa Krispies stuck to the ceiling because Bobby threw a bowl of cereal.”

That’s what I call living. I mean, you don’t need heroin and crack to do that shit, although I suppose it helps. On a moderately more serious note, while the cover’s in simple black and white, the issues detailed therein—loyalty, hedonism, spirituality—span a broad, colorful spectrum. Liebling has defied the odds in virtually every facet of his life—despite endless, infamous struggles with addiction, he’s concocted an absolutely essential proto-doom canon, and lived long enough to see a lethal cocktail of self-sabotage and bum luck transform into international adulation. Worthy subject matter—funny, heartbreaking and, again, sometimes mind-blowing.

And the rest of the issue is no slouch. We’ve covered the Napalm Death flexi already, but there are outlandish and informative features on Burzum, Gridlink, Kylesa, Krallice, Darkest Hour (specifically John Henry’s metal mutha), Obscura, the Scion Rock Fest and shitloads more. Hit it or quit it.

-AB

You can buy the May 2011 issue of Decibel here, or get a full subscription to ensure you never miss an issue, or of those awesome flexi discs!

Hey studs and foxes, Anso here. Please accept my most gracious hugz in return for partying with me these last two days. Running this site in the absence of Axl and Vince has been so superfun thanks to you, our cherished MetalSucks readership. I learned a lot of stuff too, for example that I should hereby refrain from “ass fucking [my] boyfriends cock” [sic]. K I’ll work on that while you all re-live some hilarious, informative, and sexy moments from this week:

• We debuted new music by Maruta.
• We spoke to Rob Arnold from Chimaira/Six Feet Under/The Elite, Jack Strong from The Acacia Strain, Varg Vikernes of Burzum, and Takis Kinis from prog-thrash legends Realm.
• We checked out the latest releases from DevilDriver and Wino. Plus, hot hardcore 7″s and all the stuff that Corey Mitchell rocked in February.
• We reveled in official confirmation of the System of a Down tour story we broke ahead of everybody.
• We proffered scientific evidence that to be in a band is a poor life decision.
• We were wowed by Evan Brewer, player of two basses!
• We peeped Devin Townsend’s nod to Sinatra and incredible new jams from Scale The Summit, Between The Buried And Me, Graviton, and All Shall Perish.
• We cheered Taylor Momsen and her desire to “fuck for Satan.”
• We met the new Dragonforce singer. It’s not Corey Taylor.
• We took a stand against D.R.U.G.S.

You’ll have a couple days to de-Anso yourselves, but please do rush right back to MetalSucks on Monday for more hot action when the bosses return from muling heroin in from Ecuador their business trip and we resume our regularly-scheduled action. You may now put your pants back on!

-ADF

When word spread that Burzum only-man Varg Vikernes was doing a limited number of interviews — via email only — to support his latest work Fallen (out on March 7th), we knew we couldn’t pass up the opportunity. “Grim” Kim Kelly took charge and put together a batch of thoughtful questions about Burzum’s legacy, the lyrical and musical themes of Fallen, the current black metal scene, Varg’s relationship with classical music and more. Vikernes’ answers are, well… you’ll have to read them to find out.

Click to read more…

How come Miss Piggy can’t count to 70? ‘Cause every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

ANYWAY, here’s how we amused ourselves this week:

• We debuted new videos from DevilDriver and Intronaut.
• We also debuted new music from Battilus and VYGR.
• We started a cool new series of tour blogs from Eluveitie and learned fifteen new things about Crowbar’s Kirk Windstein.
• We spoke to Josh Scogin from The Chariot and Mark LeVine, author of Heavy Metal Islam.
• We checked out the latest releases from Regicide, Dragged Into Sunlight, Macabre, and Abraham.
• We helped Burzum launch a new clothing line.
• We learned a sexy new stage move from Dr. Acula.
• We continued to feel embarrassed for Slash.
• We pleaded with record labels to start using Bandcamp and stop using MySpace.
• We mourned the loss of Guitar Hero.

Speaking of 69ing: Monday is Valentine’s Day. I’m just reminding you in case you’re a burnout and you forgot to get something for your woman. Don’t say I never did nuthin’ for ya.

-AR

My bros from the popular easycore/pop band Fight Fair

Spend a few minutes observing the crowd at a metal show, flipping through the pages of Decibel, or reading MetalSucks, and jot down the first words that come to your mind. If you’re like me, your list will contain many of the following phrases: “low self-esteem,” “poor social skills,” “inferiority complex,” “outcasts,” “doughy physique,” “repellent personality” and “virgin.” It’s not just that I’m an ignorant, elitist dick, I also have the support of the world’s leading scientists:

Social animals in a hierarchic community have a certain rank. Three of these ranks have attracted special attention in ethology and been given special names: alpha, beta and omega.

A beta animal is an animal that will act as a new alpha animal if the old alpha dies. In some species of birds, the males pair up in twos when courting, the beta male aiding the alpha male. The beta male does not generally get to mate with the female birds, but if the alpha dies, he takes over the alpha’s females, becoming the new alpha. Omega (usually rendered ω-male) is an antonym used to refer to the lowest caste of the hierarchical society. An omega is subordinated to all others in the community. The omega is commonly the last allowed to eat.

Lettuce be reality, brahs: listening to metal is beta as fuck. But it begs the question: is there a way to be alpha, yet still listen to metal??? In short, the answer is YES, as long as you play your cards right. Because I find it so rewarding to give back to the community, in this post I will give you all the tools you need — details after the break!!

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Apologies for the blatant self-promotion, but I think this is something MS readers will actually be stoked on: I am starting a BURZUM clothing line! It’s been a crazy six months or so of negotiating with Varg’s people, designing the product, coordinating with all our vendors in Asia (did you know they take Chinese New Year off for like two entire weeks?!), but we are only a few months away from launch! The clothing line will be available this spring at Hot Topic, Spencer’s Gifts, and Journeys, but we wanted to give you a sneak preview of some of the most exciting SKUs.

Think of it as somewhat of a re-imagining of the BURZUM brand — a fresh update that makes the brand relevant to the new generation of consumers. With metal more popular than ever, and bands like Suiside Silence and Bring Me The Horizon moving massive quantities of merch, we figured that it was time to for BURZUM to get the recognition they deserve for all the amazing music (and ideas) they’ve produced over the years. We’d like to think that these items breathe new life into the brand, while never losing sight of the brand’s heritage. But enough about us — check out this exclusive sneak preview and let us know what you think!

Click to read more…

So remember this past summer, when Vince Neil — who has literally killed and maimed people while drunk driving — was arrested in Vegas for DUI, and then subsequently flaunted his love and of boozin’ n’ cruisin’ not once but twice? Well, the Long Arm of the Law is not just gonna let this shit pass. No no no, assholes like Vince Neil need to be taught a lesson, even if they are famous. And so Vince is being handed a punishment only slightly more severe than the one I received when my parents found my cigarettes in the tenth grade. From Metal Insider:

“Neil will plead guilty to the DUI on January 26, and then will turn himself over to Clark County Detention Center in Las Vegas on February 15, where he will spend the next 15 days in. Following that, he will serve another 15 days under house arrest.”

Click to read more…

Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli.

In 1998, there was Lords of Chaos. In 2008, there was Until the Light Takes Us. Somewhere between that, aired amongst a bunch of shitty Victory ads on Headbangers Ball, there was this. One might logically conclude that, between this biography, documentary and $100-budget commercial, the history of black metal has been comprehensively documented.

Not so! With this much personality, talent, vision, rampant egotism and disdain for non-Aryans, the genre remains entertainingly unstable — the more you talk to its original practitioners, the more weird new anecdotes bubble up to augment a perpetually-contested whole. That — along with the need to finance multiple third-term back-alley abortions for the staff’s favorite strippers — is why we’ve concocted our second exclusive Decibel one-off, the Black Metal Hall of Fame issue.

Our staffers busted ass to bring you eight tales from black metal’s vast crypt. Three of them you’ve never seen before — touchstones from Burzum, Satyricon and Rotting Christ — and the Darkthrone feature was only previously available in our HOF anthology, Precious Metal. This monster’s not included with subscriptions and is only available online and at select indie record retailers starting around November 8.

The final roster is, as you can see above, Immortal, Burzum, Venom, Darkthrone, Emperor, Satyricon, Enslaved and Rotting Christ. I’m too lazy to copy and paste the album titles, but are there any bands you’d prefer for a prospective round two? (Bear in mind that everyone’s gotta be alive to do these things, so no dice on Bathory and Mayhem.)

-AB

Please help the staff of Decibel finance all the necessary third-term back-alley abortions for their favorite strippers by purchasing the special Black Metal Hall of Fame issue here. You can also help contribute to this tremendous cause by buying yourself a copy of the December 2010 issue of Decibel or, better still, buying yourself a full subscription.

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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

With seemingly every band in the world now less-than-hesitant to replace a departed member, no matter how seemingly important that member was to the band’s success, this week we asked our writers:

IS THERE ANY STILL-ACTIVE METAL BAND THAT COULD NOT AFFORD TO LOSE A SINGLE MEMBER OF ITS LINE-UP?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

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As far as I can tell, intellectual racist types just love to lure accommodating non-idiots into passionate arguments. Forever citing research both arcane and mainstream, these misguided lunkheads are awesome at wearing down the most patient conversant. It’s always “Oh you don’t get it, man. The Jews are responsible for this. The Blacks are more likely to that. Illegals from Mexico are just waiting for the right moment to blah blah blah. You don’t even know!” Yawn. Why subscribe to a belief system that could be logically disproved by a reasonably sober pre-teen and then act all civilized about it? That’s like doing a PhD thesis on your shameful third-grade pants-shitting episode. What a waste. To disarm these fools, who seem goofy even compared to their frothing toothless hillbilly counterparts, the most effective weapon is laughter. Howling, sputtering laughter. I’m giggling even now!

And that’s why I hope someone has acquainted silly-billy Varg Vikernes of Burzum with the “Burzum Marley” split by Brazil’s Mukeka Di Rato (with Hero Dishonest of Finland). I haven’t tracked down the tune  – a bud in Brazil assures me it’s both black metal and reggae — but the cover art (above) is like freakin’ Nobel Prize-level awesomeness. It’s a total negation of Vikernes’ entire life right there on one obscure 7″, and a reminder that, in the proper context, his imbecilic mission is a farty squeak lost amid the thunderous roar of peace-lovers like Bob Marley. Politics aside, the track also makes you wish for some more philosophically compatible musical collisions: How about some sweaty Afro-beat folk metal from EnsiFela? Or the no-justice-no-peace rage of SepulTosh? Shit, I’d kill for some Sade-dle of Filth about now.

-ADF

Mega-hugs to CSS for the tip!

If my father had utilized reverse psychology when I was a kid, there’s a good chance I would never have latched onto metal; as it stands, his anti-metal stance was probably a big part of the genre’s appeal when I was younger. But now that MetalSucks is what Vince and I do full-time, he’s doing his best to be supportive. For example, he has only ever sent one text message in his entire life. It was to me, and it read as follows:

“Metallica riot see news”

Frickin’ adorable, right? Still, it’s not as though I expected my dad to start listening to Metallica. I mean, he’s probably heard …And Justice for All more times than Lars Ulrich has just from having me blast it around the house when I was a teenager, but I don’t think he can tell the difference between Metallica and The Offspring (I know for a fact my mom can’t).

So I was more than a little surprised when my old man e-mailed me a link to the below video and asked “Know the group?”… because he actually dug the music!

Unfortunately, I had the unenviable task of explaining to my father all about Burzum and Varg Vikernes’ long history of, uh, political idealism, thus promptly ending his too-brief relationship with the first metal band he’s ever actually enjoyed. Oh well. Maybe I can slip him the new Enslaved album or something…?

-AR