Making fun of juggalos is passe at this point; been there, done that, 100 times over, and everyone gets the point. But posting the annual infomercial Psychopathic Records puts out to promote the Gathering of the Juggalos is something of a ritual, always good for a few lulz, and possibly even entertaining.

Once you get through the so-uncool-at-this-point-that-maybe-it’s-cool-again Star Wars-style intro, you’ll discover that Vanilla Ice has sunken to an even lower low and is now a juggalo. In addition to the usual assortment of interchangeable clown-faced rappers, this year’s lineup also brings a whole new set of artists scraping the bottom of the barrel that’s become their career: CKY, Dope, Saliva, Vanilla Ice (obvs), Xzibit, Kittie and M.C. Hammer. In the “Are you sure you really want to stoop so low?” department we have Ice Cube, George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars and Busta Rhymes, who all must be getting hella paid. And last but not least, the comedy stage will feature Brian Posehn and classic wrestlers Iron Sheik and Rowdy Roddy Piper (zuh?).

Should be an interesting one. Perhaps an MS reader braver than us can go on an anthropological mission on August 11-14. I already had the juggalo experience of a lifetime, and I think that’s enough for me.

-VN

That headline doesn’t even make sense. So what? Seven of the Top 10 Hard Music albums on this week’s Soundscam charts are actually new(ish) releases! And only one is a greatest hits! Hallelujah!

Rise Against continued to dominate, while new releases by Soundgarden (sorta), Protest the Hero, Born of Osiris and Tesseract sold well. A bunch of other records came out, too (uhhh… Saliva, uhh…. CKY, uhhh… Straight Line Stitch) and some solid sellers from weeks past remained on the charts. Numbers after the break.

Click to read more…

Last week’s logo was for a band called Mortuorium. But once again, NONE OF YOU GOT IT RIGHT and MANY OF YOU SUGGESTED IT BELONGS TO SLIPKNOT. Jesus holy hell people. Why do you want me to be sad? Does it please you?

So now I still have two copies of CKY’s Carver City that are just sitting here, sad that they haven’t found a home. All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl AT metalsucks DOT net. We’ll randomly select two winners from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her names next week.

I give up. Y’all win. This is clearly what you wanted, so I’m giving it to you. If you guys can’t get this, I’m quitting metal forever.

-AR

First of all, I want to thank everyone who responded to my request last week to send me unreadable band logos to be used for future contests. No joke, I really appreciate everyone’s help in allowing me to continue to be a lazy prick.

Now, down to business: last week’s logo, for the band Killgasm, was super easy, so little wonder that everyone got it. And only one dipshit guessed Slipknot! Amazing.

But there can only be two winners, and those winners are John Pewo and Elizabeth Colbert. Congrats, kids.

Don’t cry if you didn’t win last week. I still have two more copies of CKY’s latest, Carver City, to give away (thanks, Roadrunner!), and then I’m spent. All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl AT metalsucks DOT net. We’ll randomly select two winners from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her names next week.

This week’s logo was sent to me by Samuel Hall. Thanks, Sam!

-AR

Okay, and we’re back!

First up, hats off to Julia Greenberg and Marty Coffou; they each correctly identified the last logo as belonging to the band Rammish Succus. Good work, kids!

I’ve got two more copies of the album to give away this week, courtesy the folks at Roadrunner Records. All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl AT metalsucks DOT net. We’ll randomly select two winners from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her names next week.

This week’s logo was suggested by reader Paul Pelkonen. Relatively speaking, it’s fairly readable, so I expect you people to nail it.

And Keep sending me logos, guys. Finding shit for these contests is a pain in my bum.

-AR

Pussies. That’s all I have to say to you all: you’re all fucking pussies.

Not a single person correctly identified last week’s logo, which, in case you’re curious, belongs to the band Hipermenorrea. Of course, someone did manage to guess it was Slipknot and some other moron decided it belonged to cKy themselves. But no one got Hipermenorrea.

So, let’s try this again. We’ve got two (2) copies of cKy’s latest, Carver City, courtesy the very nice people at Roadrunner Records, who are equally disappointed that you’re all pussies.

All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl AT metalsucks DOT net. We’ll randomly select two winners from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her names next week.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THE LOGO DOES NOT BELONG TO A BAND THAT IS CURRENTLY OR HAS BEEN IN THE PAST SIGNED TO ROADRUNNER RECORDS. You schmucks are gonna give me a freakin’ coronary if you don’t cut that shit out.

This week’s logo was suggested by Mark Moritz-Rabson. He, too, hopes you people aren’t too pussy to get it this week.

-AR

This week in Soundscan, supergroup Chickenfoot shifted a ridiculous number of records. I’m baffled too. Elsewhere, Iron Maiden had a solid debut and bands like Nickelback, Hollywood Undead, Shinedown, Slipknot, and Metallica continued on with business as usual.

Click to read more…

Horns up for the improbably named Jess Buttkus and Scott Deaner. They each correctly identified last week’s logo as belonging to the band Explosive Diarrhea, and for their troubles, they each win a special Roadrunner Records Top Shelf 2 Disc Edition of Type O Negative’s classic 1993 album, Bloody Kisses. Just remember, Deaner and Buttkus: you can’t go out if your boobs roots are showing.

This week the too too kind ladies and gents at Roadrunner Records have donated two (2) copies of cKy’s new album, Carver City, for us to give away. Alternative Press gave this album 4 outta 5 stars, and All Music called it “smart and unique,” praising its “seriously heavy riffs.” In other words, you need to check this baby out!

All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl AT metalsucks DOT net. We’ll randomly select two winners from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her names next week.

This week’s logo comes to us from Dublin reader Craig Duff. Normally I’d make some lame Irish joke here, but since Craig basically did my job for me, I’ll just wish you all good luck.

-AR

MetalSucks Maniac Tim Young e-mailed us over the weekend to suggest we spend some time talking about CKY. With all due respect to Tim (and not at all speaking for Vince, with whom I have not conferred on the subject), the reason I’ve never written about CKY is because I once had the displeasure of sitting through a CKY set, and I’d place the experience somewhere in between the time my dentist forgot to give me novocaine before he started drilling and the time I was thirteen and my old man found my cigarettes and went all Homer Simpson on me. Seriously. Not only did the music suck, but the band members were, by all appearances, total tool bags – especially the bass player, who kept making the kinds of “monster faces” one usually makes to get a giggle out of a little kid, lip synching along with the lyrics all the while.

ANYWAY, here’s CKY’s video for “96 Quite Bitter Beings.” It was directed to Bam Margera, who, if this clip is any indication, should probably stick to shoving things up his ass and whacking himself in the nuts for our viewing pleasure.

-AR