It’s time: MetalSucks, in association with Chuck E. Cheese, needs to sponsor a symposium of metal’s greatest up-and-coming critical thinkers — the Albert Mudrians and Cosmo Lees of the future, if you will. Obviously, The Crud Wizard should be right at the top of the speaker’s list; and, Kevin Stewart-Panko’s son, Sam, has been doing some brilliant work over at The Deciblog, so he should obviously get an invite, too. But this is metal, so the event shouldn’t be allowed to get too stodgy; there needs to be, like, a Minister of Partying or something, someone to really get the booties shack-a-lack-a-lackin’ in the ball pit.

Enter the young men in the below video, sent to us by a reader calling himself simply “Scott.” Scott is not the father of these five- and three-year-old grind freaks — he’s not even a blood relative, apparently — but surely, he is the boys’ favorite “uncle” nonetheless.

Part of me thinks these little dudes are too young to be listening to Pig Destroyer and Agoraphobic Nosebleed, the same way they’re too young to see A Clockwork Orange and Silence of the Lambs — I mean, they’re great works of art, but not intended for people who don’t yet know what the phrase “tuck it back” means.

But the other part of me just now wants a son really, really bad.

-AR

The Crud Wizard has quickly become of my favorite blogs to read, not just because it’s fun to read a 9 year-old’s opinions of metal but also because of the candor, simplicity and purity with which it’s done. Sure, the kid is the son of Agalloch / Ludicra drummer Aesop Dekker, but Dekker assured the MS readership in a comment here that The Crud Wizard’s (his mommy and daddy call him Ezra) musical interests and blog posts about them are entirely his own. And having followed the blog for several months now, I totally believe it.

So let’s see what Crud Wizard has to say about Metallica’s Master of Puppets:

This is no album for wimps. This is a great album. My favorite part of this is the lyrics ” the weak are ripped and torn away…” That’s awesome. What makes it awesome is how James Hetfield sings it. It is also about batteries. Interesting… The subject of drug corruption runs deep in ” Master of Puppets.” It is an interesting topic as well as batteries.

Amen. Crud Wizard also gets deep with an H.P. Lovecraft reference and ponders whether Metallica are or are not death metal. Sheesh… when I was 9 I doubt I even knew what death metal was, and I definitely didn’t know who H.P. Lovecraft was. Read the full post here.

-VN

Download Master Of Puppets on Amazon for only 8 bucks!

Last week we introduced you to Crud Wizard, the blog of 9-year old metal scribe Ezra Lux. We admired the straight, no BS approach of Ezra’s writing; a 9-year old is gonna pretty much call it as he sees it instead of getting caught up in what’s “scene” or tr00/br00tal/kvlt, ya know?

Ezra’s most recent musing is a review of Slayer’s Reign in Blood. Check this snippet:

The sound of it is so chaotic, that it just stuns you a makes you say, “I like this. I want to hear more!” Their music makes me think of a boat on rough seas, and that boat has me on it. The reason I say that, is the riffs give you a sort of up and down feeling. If you think about it too much you might get nauseous.

I mean, right? So true. I won’t ruin the rest for you; read the full review here.

-VN

Hi I’m Ezra Lux and I’m 9 and my dad is helping me with Crud Wizard. I like to listen to music and learn. My favorite band is Iron Maiden and I hate Reagan, and hippies, and Jesus.

So reads the blogger profile of Crud Wizard, a new metal blog helmed by aforementioned 9-year old Ezra Lux. Since we also love Maiden and hate hippies and Jesus we can totally get down with Crud Wizard; we’ll make an exception at the mis-directed hippie hatred. Ezra’s approach is surprisingly accurate in its simplicity, and (I’m being totally serious here) you’ve got to appreciate it for its pure, direct language. Sample post titled “My Metal Weekend”:

I had a very metal weekend. Here it is. On Friday I saw Dysrhythmia, my dad’s friend Colin’s band at the bar Slims. I had an awesome time. Dysrhythmia was very rhythmic and intricate. Colin played bass, and was quite good. On Saturday I went to Tidal Wave, the metal festival in McLaren park. The first few bands weren’t that good but when Stone Vengeance played they were o.k. But then they played “I Don’t Know” by Ozzy Osbourne, it was cool. Then came Giant Squid who I’d never heard, and they were good. The second day my dad’s friend Sarah gave us a ride. And the best band by far was Amber Asylum, Sarah’s band. But during the whole thing I had a lot of fun, like rolling down hills, exploring in the park, building log forts and climbing trees.

I mean, right? He’s also got some choice entries on his favorite album covers (including Cannibal Corpse!) and his thoughts on classic albums by Thin Lizzy and King Diamond. It’s all interspersed with highly entertaining “State of the Day” pieces that take a look at, you guessed it, one glorious United State per day, each paired with an ’80s hardcore band — and hey, I’ve really learned a lot!

-VN