Poland’s Crystal Viper are the best thing to happen to metal since the invention of the electric guitar. They’re so fucking good that I’m not even sure why any other metal band is still trying. Everyone should just quit, and we should change the name of this site to “CrystalViperSucks,” and just report all Crystal Viper news, all the time, in a sincere manner, with absolutely no tongue-in-cheek humor whatsoever.

And if you doubt my claims, check out the band’s latest video, for the song “Greed is Blind.” The clip tells the moving story of a Homeless Beggar; a Well-Attired Man stops to give said Homeless Beggar some money, and the Homeless Beggar rewards the Well-Attired Man for his kindness by literally stabbing him in the back. After discovering that Well-Attired Man’s wallet is empty, the insidious Homeless Beggar decides to steal the Well-Attired Man’s Crystal Viper guitar pick instead! OH NOES! Those devious homeless people. You have to keep one eye on them at all times, ’cause they’re always trying to steal your priceless Crystal Viper shit!

What I really appreciate about this video, though, is that the band only spent two dollars to make it, so as to ensure that we understand that Crystal Viper practice what they preach.

“Greed is Blind” will be on Crystal Viper’s latest, Legends, which comes out October 22 on AFM. It promises to be the best metal album of this or any other year that another Crystal Viper record wasn’t released.

-AR

I’ve written about Poland’s Crystal Viper before, but if you’re new to MetalSucks and aren’t hip to this band, well, you need to become hip to them ASAFP. This band defines metal. If aliens came down to earth and were all, “Hey, Axl, what is this metal of which you speak?”, I’d give them a Crystal Viper album to take back to their home planet. And then they’d play it on the mothership during take-off ’cause they’d be just that curious, and then the mothership would explode, and charred alien carcasses would rain down all around us. And then Crystal Viper would write a concept album about it.

And now’s a good time to get on board the Crystal Viper train, ’cause they have a new album coming out October 22 on AFM. They’ve named the album Legends, because they’re humble. The cover is art is by the great Chris Moyen, and is so fucking metal I hear it put King Diamond in the hospital.

DUDE. It’s a fucking werewolf with a scythe riding a horse in front of a castle. Like, every other band should just quit. Seriously, just go home. It’s over. It’s done. Crystal Viper ended it. Time to start trying to make country music or some shit, ’cause this ship has muthafuckin’ sailed.

-AR

I first wrote about Crystal Viper back in March, and they’re still one of the most amazing discoveries I’ve made this year. Now they have a new video and… I mean… Have you ever seen a video more metal than this?!?!? I mean, more metal and also made for two dollars U.S. and the band’s best ass. ‘Cause I think that’s what they traded for the pyro.

-AR

HOLY SHIT, THERE’S A BAND CALLED CRYSTAL VIPER.

And they look and sound more or less exactly the way you’d expect a band called Crystal Viper to look and sound.

Plus, they’re Polish, and their singer’s accent is so strong that at first I thought she was, in fact, singing in Polish.

(I know what you’re thinking. Does this make me a stoned idiot, or make the singer unintentionally hilarious? To which I say: Can’t it be a little of both?)

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