MetalSucks

Dane Cook, a comedian so devastatingly untalented that he makes terminal cancer look funny by comparison, is collaborating with Tommy Lee, the modern era’s single best argument for using a condom. The two have recorded a track for a new Cook album (I didn’t know there was an old Cook album, but only because I don’t hate myself), and Cook describes the song as  “a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein, a little bit funky, a little jazzy.”

Of course, both Nostradamus and the Mayans predicted such a team-up when they foretold of the apocalypse, and I’d heard that the twist to the upcoming end-of-the-world thriller 2012 was that all the destruction is caused by a Cook-Lee song that’s a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein.

But I thought we had more time. I thought we had more time, damn it!

I won’t be able to do any more posting today. I have to go say farewell to my loved ones, and hopefully get laid one last time, before our world is destroyed forever. Damn you, Cook and Lee! GOD DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

-AR

I can’t believe that there’s going to be a new Hellyeah album. I honestly thought we’d be rid of this insipid band after one phoned-in cash-in. I guess I don’t have any real reason to be too upset though, as not only will I never ever never listen to this record, but I honestly don’t know anyone else who ever will either.

In any case, here are some things I’d rather hear than new “music” from Hellyeah:

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