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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

Since it’s hair metal week here at MetalSucks, it seemed only appropriate to consider a glamtastic question. So we asked our writers:

WHICH HAIR METAL BAND FROM THE ’80s BEST STANDS THE TEST OF TIME IN 2010?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

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After grunge got so popular that MTV’s 120 Minutes and Headbanger’s Ball somehow became practically the same show, a lot of hair metal bands tried to harden and “modern up” their sound — usually to disastrous results. Herein, a few of my favorite examples, presented in chronological order of their release.

First up we have Warrant’s “Machine Gun,” from the 1992 album Dog Eat Dog. This actually isn’t all that ridiculous, and came so early in the “let’s change our sound” cycle that I suspect it was intended more as a response to the success of bands like Guns N’ Roses and Skid Row than Nirvana. Still, it’s hardly “Cherry Pie” or “Heaven,” y’know?

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You’ve been reading the MetalSucks/Bring Back Glam! countdown of the 10 Best Must-Have Glam Metal Albums this week (part one here, part two here), so you’ve noticed that our Anso DF and BBG! chief Allyson B. Crawford’s Glam-crazy chemistry is like one of those Tarantino scenes where rogues trade passionate dissertations on Madonna or armed robbery. Or maybe it’s more like those Kevin Smith monologues about farting. One of those. Ahem. Oh, hey look it’s the number four album!

***

4. REST IN SLEAZE - Crashdiet

May 20, 2005 // Universal Records // p: Anders Ringman, Chris Laney, Grizzly/Tysper

The hits: “Riot In Everyone” “Knokk ‘Em Down” “Breakin’ the Chainz” “It’s A Miracle”

The heart: “Queen Obscene/69 Shots” “Tikket” “Out of Line”

Anso: I’ve been dying to talk to you about this record! Its appearance on our list blows me away for the following reasons:

Reason #1 – It was not released in the ’80s. Not even the ’90s. And yet you imply that it’s more vital to a respectable glam metal library than a hundred great records from the genre’s days of glory? Even here you rank it higher than freaking Appetite! Explain yourself!

Allyson: Total mind freak, right? I’m sure the haters will be out on this one! Singer Dave Lepard was simply way ahead of his time. Then again, Sweden is the fertile crescent of Glam Metal these days. The kids over there know how to write a catchy riff. Crashdiet was the first Glam Metal band to be signed to a major label (Universal) in over a decade.

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Yeah, sure, I could fall back on the whole Van Halen “they really pre-dated hair metal” argument and put this article to bed right now, but that would be too easy. And, besides, there are plenty of other reasons why you should cringe every time someone referes to Def Lep as “hair metal” or “glam.”

Sure, Def Lep covered some of the same thematic bases as a most hair metal bands — namely, sex (with and without love) and the awesome power of rock n’ roll. But those lyrical tropes date back as far as rock music itself, so they don’t really count. And, sure, Def Leppard had some of the slickest production out there — but they were sharing a producer with AC/DC and Foreigner (MUTT FUCKING LANGE — show some respect), not Warrant and Winger (hello, Beau Hill). And, yeah, it’s easy to find pictures of Def Lep dressed like idiots, but guess what? It was the 80s. Everyone dressed like an idiot. I literally cannot remember seeing a single person with decent fashion sense in the 1980s. It was just, like, a ten year period when everyone temporarily went retarded, attire-wise. (And, for the record, I can’t find a single photo of the band where anyone is dressed like a lady; even the amount of hair product they used seems to be fairly reasonable by the standards of the day.)

So what does that make Def Leppard? Oh yeah. Just one of the most awesome arena rock bands of all time.

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I don’t think you can actually be a transvestite if you’re an Amazonian, but I don’t know how else to describe Helen L. Simmons, the incredibly tall, incredibly unattractive woman who married Def Leppard guitarist Phil Collen this past Friday.

Here’s a photo that will haunt your nightmares forever:

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Suckalo Cody Barrick sent us a link to a massive repository of metal album covers (and a few others) in full MS Paint glory, a concept we explored a few months back with our Austrian Death Machine MS Paint contest (you should check out the results in the comments section… some of them are seriously awesome! Our readers are weirdly talented / have a lot of free time.). Not that using MS Paint to re-create simple versions of artwork is a new idea, but it’s a fun one that never seems to wear out. That program is what, 20 some odd years old? But it’s still around for a reason; something about its simplicity gives it mass appeal and keeps it useful in spite of today’s hi-tech graphics solutions.

Take a look at the collection of MS Paint album covers, and if you’ve got some extra time on your hands don’t be shy… post your own renditions in the comments section below!

-VN

Thanks to reader Steven Stamopoulos for reminding us that original Def Leppard guitarist Steve Clark died nineteen years ago today. That means that a significant portion of our readers weren’t even born yet when he died, which makes me feel old.

Clark’s death was tragic and a colossal waste of talent – the guy who was a terrible alcoholic who basically drank himself to death (with the aid of prescription meds) – but there’s no denying that he was a driving creative force behind the incredibly awesome pop metal Def Lep made in the 80s and early 90s. Before he died, he co-wrote about half the songs on 1992′s Adrenalize, which was basically the last worthwhile album the band ever made. The only things that really changed following Adrenalize‘s release was the absence of Clark and producer Mutt Lange, and I’d argue that both of those losses really, really hurt the band. (Anyone who tries to defend Vivian Campbell is a taint-licker.)

Here’s Clark a decade before his death, when Phil Collen wasn’t in the band yet, Joe Elliot was still blond, and Rick Allen still had both his arms . I love this song, and eat me if you don’t.

-AR

There are two kinds of people who watch cartoons:

1. Kids.
2. Stoners.

And I don’t think either one would be interested in a Def Leppard cartoon series that depicts “the five members of the group in a fictional, adventurous setting.” But that’s not going to stop the band from pitching one to the networks.

Let’s break down why this is a terrible idea.

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So what was your entre into the world where denim, leather n’ demonology reign supreme? Where you adore the goat and sway to the symphony of deee-struction? Every man (or woman) has a tale to tell. Here’s mine. You’re gonna hear a lot of names you might be unfamiliar with, especially if you’re a member of Attack Attack! (Or just plain anyone under 23!) You’re gonna be thinking, “Damn, this fucker is old!” Yeah, well just remember that I’ve seen seen stuff that would make you shit Perrier with jealousy. I’m definitely old enough to have seen Minor Threat, Cliff Burton-era Metallica… the list goes on… before most of you were a tadpole in yer pappy’s population paste.

Let’s start at Discharge. I could go back and trace the whole history of early 80’s hardcore for you, but neither of us have the time or attention span. Let’s just say, the minute I heard these Stroke-on-Trent monsters of the nuclear reactor riff on the monstrous Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing album, I nearly pissed my pants. It was the gateway to something far heavier than I had ever heard on a scratchy 7” from the new record store that had opened in Boston called Newbury Comics.

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Faith No Mania continues!

Following the news that the legendary Faith No More are, in fact, reuniting, it has just been announced that they will headline the opening night of this year’s Download Festival in the UK. Slipknot and Def Leppard will headline the following nights.

Oddly enough, the FNM-inspired nu-metal acts that Mike Patton has repeatedly professed hatred for, Korn and Limp Bizkit, will play earlier that same day.

Will Patton make fun of Fred Durst from the stage? Will Nikki Sixx throw a fit that Motley Crue’s umpteenth tour isn’t nearly as newsworthy? Can FNM’s performance even possibly live up to expectations? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out.

On a side note: I know some non-European readers have been freaking out because the band allegedly has no plans to tour the rest of the world right now. All I can say is: chill. We have it from a good source that this reunion is going to last quite awhile. Just be patient.

-AR

On several occasions I’ve heard someone refer to Def Leppard as part of the British New Wave of Heavy Metal, and that band’s inclusion into the genre never made sense to me; it’s not that I don’t enjoy vintage Def Lep (for better or worse, I do enjoy it, very much so), but uttering the words “Def Leppard” in the same breath as “Judas Priest” or “Iron Maiden” just seems… wrong.

Well, I guess the fellas in Iron Maiden disagree with me. Maybe this is old news, but in a recent interview with Inside Out, the Def Lep guitarist discusses how he almost ended up battling giant Eddies on stage:

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I’ve lost track of how many of these blogs I’ve done so far. I used to number them but now I don’t know what number I’m up to. Speaking on the phone with Vince, we both realized I’d been doing this blog for over six months and it blew my mind.

Where does the time go?

I let the cat out of the bag when I mentioned we were covering a MUSE song. I’m not sure if I should have told everyone but I don’t think that information needed to have a chastity belt on it. Just to clarify though, the cover is NOT going on the album. We just recorded the song for some extra diddies and maybe some extra sack action! Women love angelic voices and skinny dudes with pale skin. We’re the exact opposite of that but maybe sack action can be in our future because of that song! I’m sure MUSE will hear our cover and say in an English accent, “Ian, these niggas have ruined a fucking classic…”

Ok, enough heehawing. On to the real news! I was blown away by the Poison vs. Def Leppard debacle. I mean come the fuck on. What the hell is our world coming to? Remember East Coast vs. West Coast rap? Motherfuckers were getting shot. Back then it was who was the hardest most stone cold motherfuckers out there. With Poison and Def Leppard this shit reminds me of one of those Ben Stiller movies like Zoolander or Tropic Thunder. What are they fighting about? Who sucks worse? What over-40 chick wants you more?

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[Welcome to our new column Hair Metal Happy Hour, which will be manned by the fine writer Michael S. Robinson. Things have been admittedly less hairy around here lately, but we hope to rectify that situation with this semi-regular column. Huh huh, he said "rectum-fry." - Ed.]

It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost twenty years since glorious hair metal ruled the charts and MTV. Once the crispy, crunchity sounds of the Pacific northwest took over, many of our cock-rocking heroes from the 80s faded into oblivion, while others continued to record sporadically, enjoying varying degrees of success, or lack thereof.

Now it’s 2008, almost 20 years to the day since Stryper released In God We Trust, and we find ourselves in the midst of unarguably the greatest year for hair metal releases since the 1980s. I’m not sure what any of us have done to bring about this incredible turn of good fortune, but it’s worth pausing to analyze, and give thanks for the bounty of hair metal we have been given, and are about to receive, in 2008.

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Eventually, someone is going to adapt Motley Crue’s The Dirt (which I’m still fairly certain is the best book ever written in any language ever) into a movie. There’s too many greenbacks at stake for the project just to sit on the shelf forever.

But I’ve read screenwriter Rich Wilkes’ adaptation of the infamous tome (written by Neil Strauss under the guise of being written by the band members themselves), and it wasn’t going to make a good movie. In fact, I can guarantee you it was going to make a horrible, horrible movie. Wilkes is the writer of such gems as The Jerky Boys movie and xXx, so that news really shouldn’t shock anyone*; in fact, I have to guess that Wilkes got the job ’cause he wrote Airheads, which is probably the last Hollywood movie about metal that is only a semi-embarrassment to the film industry**. Still, Wilkes’ script was all set to go before cameras under the guidance of Borat director/Seinfeld executive producer Larry Charles, who is really way, way, way too talented for this lousy script. At various times, Ashton Kutcher and Johnny Knoxville were rumored to be in talks to play Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx, respectively, and Christopher Walken and Val Kilmer were alleged to have filled the roles of Ozzy Osbourne and David Lee Roth.

In other words, this thing really had about as much chance of being good as Lars Ulrich does of growing to be six five four feet tall.

So lucky for us all that the project, at least as we’ve known it, seems to be in jeopardy.

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Look: I know the new Def Leppard single, “Nine Lives,” is gonna suck, and you know the new Def Leppard single is gonna suck. Even if Def Lep haven’t grown into as monumental an embarrassment as, say, Motley Crue, they certainly haven’t written anything anyone should give a crap about in a long, long while. Plus, “Nine Lives” – which comes from the band’s forthcoming new offering, Songs from the Sparkle Lounge* – is a collaboration with country singer/Faith Hill fucker Tim McGraw, which places it squarely in the Sevendust/Chris Daughtry “Just Shoot Me in the Fucking Head” category.

But the band is releasing the single via Guitar Hero III, and I’m tired of playing “One” and “Raining Blood” over and over again. So, yes, I do plan to download the song and play the living shit out of it.

Besides, it has to better than Aerosmith’s “Nine Lives”… right?

-AR

*They couldn’t just call it Gay: The Album?

Def Leppard bassist Rick Savage* is auctioning off some of his stage clothes on DefLappard.com, according to Blabbermouth. Even when I think of the rock stars I’m most enamored of, I can’t really imagine wanting something they wore on stage** and did all kinds of sweating and who the fuck knows what else in. The worst part is that these aren’t even Savage’s stage clothes from back in the day, when he was still cool; this is the shit he wore on stage earlier this year. Sheesh.

No word on whether or not the clothes have been cleaned. I’m not sure if these duds being filthy would be a pro or a con for whatever nut job is surely gonna fork over an obscene amount of money for this shit.

-AR

*You remember Rick Savage, right? He’s not the lead singer, not the dead guitar player, not the guitar player who isn’t really the lead singer of Genesis, and not the one-armed drummer who beat his wife and may or may not have killed Dr. Richard Kimble’s wife; nay, Savage is the one who stutters.

**Okay, MAYBE I’d buy one of Slash’s top hats. Maybe.