I WAS MADE FOR LOATHING KISS, BABY
Friday, January 29th, 2010 at 10:14am by Anso DFI don’t want to jinx it, but lately it seems that society is drawing closer to a public consensus that Kiss sucks donkey ass. There’s a social parallel: Time is disposing of the fearful kooks who oppose gays/non-whites/drugs/Nergal, and as a result the day is in sight when we’ll all be cool/high with each other while enjoying scarier Behemoth records. Likewise, the time will come where no Kiss fans will walk the earth puking money into the wallet of Gene Simmons for no other privilege than to perpetuate a shitty band’s shitty brand. And really, thank you, poor deluded children of ’70s disco-rock crossover, for proudly snapping up those Kiss shirts, thongs, enemas, pizza pans, and diapers; the rest of us can identify/destroy you with none of the effort it takes to flush out a fan of, say, The Scorpions or Bullshit For ValKilmerTime (or whatever).
It’s amazing that such a charmless, joyless band could enjoy such sustained suck-cess. Cuz sane people will tell you that those Kiss records don’t even achieve the absolute bare minimum of being performed, produced, or mixed well — whether or not their cynically manufactured songs themselves are any good. (Save for the delightfully retarded “Heaven’s On Fire” and actual scores like “I Love It Loud” and “Detroit Rock City,” the entire catalog could be catapulted into the sun.) Only Earth’s most resentful and contemptuous dickfaces could charge money for such sub-garbage product. I mean, shit, I gobble Tums in the lobby of Jack In The Box, knowing that tonight’s pre-dinner will tax the capacities of my crap factory; but for my money I am certain to receive burger-shaped food. If Simmons ran that dump, you’d order and then be handed a blurry picture of a barf puddle photocopied onto a dryer sheet.
